The Weekly Pulse: The Gatekeeper's Guide to Movies

The Weekly Pulse: The Gatekeeper’s Guide to Movies

Hi kids. Welcome to another exciting edition of the Guide here on IP Movies. The Guide comes to you from beautiful northern New Jersey this week, and by beautiful I mean downright awful. I haven’t seen non-stop rain like this for a while. And, while it does a number on the upper sinuses and allergies, it does make it easier for one to pound out his standard “better late than never” column for the weekend. And, who better than my always hung over yet constantly smilin college self to bring you all of the pimps from these fine gentlemen and just a taste of news in movie land (that’s all you need, really). So, let’s get to it then.

Movie Review Pimpin

Scott Sawitz has two reviews for everyone to check out again this week, seeing and delivering on both Oliver Twist (average), and Waiting (bad). This actually disappoints me because I was really looking forward to Waiting…, and now it’s getting blasted pretty much everywhere. I’ve come to appreciate Sawitz’s opinion, and if he thinks it’s a dud, well, that just sucks. Good stuff as usual from Scott.

Brendan Campbell checks in from way up there in Can-eh-da with a solid review of A History of Violence. If I had the time to hit the new flicks right now like I used to, this would definitely be in the top three of my list.

DVD Reviews

Holy hell, we have a LOT of DVD reviews this week. **Deep breath** Let’s do it:

Campbell has reviews of both The Jerk: 26th Anniversary Edition (Good movie, subpar DVD) and Witness: The Special Edition. Again, great movie, terrible DVD set up.

Scott Sawitz definitely steps up this week. Let’s see everything we’ve got here: Mindhunters (Good flick & DVD), The Longest Yard (Great movie & DVD), No Direction Home (Perfection), Clueless: Whatever! Edition (Perfection), Monster-in-Law (Below average here), and finally Star Trek: The Motion Pictures DVD Collection (Perfection)

Tom Pandich has a triple shot for everyone this week: Hide and Seek (Slightly above average), Ben-Hur (Perfection) and Rumble Fish (Good).

Last but most definitely not least, Travis Leamons sends in a review of a gem of a film. The Outsiders: The Complete Novel. This is his number one pick for September, and it really is a hell of a film. Check out the review and then go check out the DVD.

Columns Too!

Brendan Campbell reviews last weekend’s box office Get caught up if you need to.

You know what time it is? That’s right – it’s Bad ass cinema time! Rob Sutton brings the badass on this week in style with an in-depth look at Braveheart. For freedom! And for crazy Mel Gibson in a skirt!

Have you seen A History of Violence yet? If you haven’t, you definitely should. Brad Torreano chronicles the early years of director David Cronenberg with Mondo Culto XXXXII. It’s a fascinating read about his early work in horror and is definitely for fans and non-fans alike. Great stuff.

John Cavanagh brings you another edition of What a Tease! Clerks 2! Cheaper by the Dozen 2! Doom! and so many more. Gotta love the teaser trailer column.

ML Kennedy, the man you love to hate, returns with another Contradicting Popular Opinion. This week, he goes after Disney and, more specifically, The Little Mermaid. Can’t say I disagree with any of his points here this week, as he really hammers home why he hates that flick. Good times.

Newz…..”Quality” Over Quantity

Peter Jackson to Produce Halo Film – Norty has fan-boy Heart-attack

Peter Jackson and Fran Walsh, the creative duo behind the Lord of the Ringstrilogy and the upcoming King Kong, have boarded Universal Pictures and 20th Century Fox’s big-screen version of the video game Halo as executive producers. Jackson and Walsh will give creative input on all aspects of the film via their WingNut Films banner, and Jackson’s Weta Digital Ltd. and Weta Workshop Ltd. will provide creatures, miniatures and visual effects for the production. This marks the first time that Jackson and Walsh have performed these services on a major studio film that Jackson is not directing. It also extends Jackson’s relationship with Universal, for which he made the upcoming King Kong

Kern: Ah, the dreaded honorary Exec credit…You’d think most people would learn after their first burn – for me, it was John Woo’s name over The Big Hit – but i guess there are still some people out their think that a good director attaching their name to a POS film is anything more to them than an easy paycheck.
Norty: Gee Kern, I bring you back for some of the best news I’ve heard in some time, and silly me for expecting you to be anything but negative and depressing about it. It’s Peter Jackson man – the guy is a hell of a geek. Have some faith – I know I joygasmed when I found out.
Kern: You poor, poor rube. You’re the sort who goes to a movie premiere hyping a Baldwin brother expecting Alec. In the real world, when somebody hypes a Baldwin brother, you’re lucky to get the fat one; usually you end up with Zeppo Baldwin or Gummo or RoboBaldwin …
Kern: On a side note, Adam Baldwin is not a Baldwin, but he’s easily as awesome as any four Baldwin brothers put together. And he’s in Serenity, now playing at a theater near you. Go see it.
Norty: Oh come on – as if there’s anything wrong with RoboBaldwin! Hell, he might even be playing the Master Chief. Your lack of faith is disturbing, young Kern. Jackson has proven himself – he could be attached as some random dude in the audience and I’d still see his flick. And….well, yeah, Serenity rocks, we know it already.
Kern: The vanity Exec credit is like an honorary Ph.D. It’s got nothing at all to do with your qualifications as an academian and everything to do with the amount of money your mug’s going to pull in when they slap it all over the alumni newsletter. i think PJ’s great, but if he wants to see my ass in a seat for Halo, he’s gonna have to A) use his producer muscle to hire Scarlett Johannsen and Salma Hayek for a 40 minute girl/girl scene or B) get Weta to CGI my ass into a seat at Halo.
Norty: I see. So the only way you’ll see Halo is for some lesbian action that has nothing to do with the film, plot, story or characters?
Kern: Ha! You’re seriously expecting plot, story or characters?
Norty: Yes. Yes I do. It’s only been just announced but my hopes are already higher for this film than for the next Batman and Spiderman put together. If they get a great director, I’m buying my ticket two years in advance. Period.

Remade Halloween…….and Who Cares, Really?

The Weinstein Brothers are apparently considering remaking the cult horror hit Halloween. Whether it’s taking the place of the previously announced Halloween 9 is unknown, but some feel they may have decided to ‘go back to the beginning’ rather than keep repeating themselves. One thing’s for sure, Jamie Lee Curtis won’t be hiding in the closet from a Shatner-mask wearing maniac in the remake. It is assumed more news on the remake front will flow once the Weinsteins finish setting up their new situation.

Kern: “They might have decided to ‘go back to the beginning’ rather than keep repeating themselves”? Am i the only one who caught the logical fallacy there?
Norty: As if the beginning, being remade, isn’t a repeat?
Kern: Eff franchises. i’m done with franchises. If i want a goddamn sequel, i’ll watch TELEVISION because that’s what it’s for. A season of Gilmore girls is like an awesome movie with twenty-two sequels, only i’m not paying ten bucks a pop for it.
Norty: There you go. Unfortunately, originality is pretty much DOA in Hollywood these days, so franchises are where they think the money is. Though, last weekend was a hell of a weekend for film, if I do say so myself.
Norty: But, back on topic. Halloween, even remade, probably isn’t that great of a cash cow. It really has been pretty wrecked by everyone with the past oh, nine films or so.
Kern: There are only two ways they can get my ass into a seat at the next Halloween movie, sequel or remake. A) Hire Scarlett Johannsen and Salma Hayek to do a girl/girl/girl scene with Jamie Lee Curtis because that woman still floats my boat (oh, Lifetime, why oh why did you stop showing episodes of Anything But Love with Jamie and Richard Lewis?) or B) Get Joss Whedon to write and direct, get the cast of Serenity together, make a Serenity sequel and call it Halloween 9.
Kern: By the way … Serenity? Go see it. It needs the money.
Norty: I get your love of that flick – it runs so deep even you made the same joke twice in two newz bytes.
Kern: And the “joke” won’t get old until Serenity clears 80 mil.
Norty: Ten mil was a pretty weak opening – I bet Halloween 9/V 1.0 would do better.
Kern: i bet two gerbils f*cking would do better than 10 mil if it had Adam Sandler attached to it. Doesn’t mean it’s worth a good goddamn.
Norty: Just saying – there’s hope for long term, money-making progress. I just have my doubts. Kinda like doubt for any new Halloween film. Ever.
Kern: You know what? There is a third way they could get me to see it … If underneath the Bill Shatner mask is … BILLL SHATNER. That’s so totally meta.
Norty: I can’t see that happening…..Shatner is sitting pretty these days with TV and the billions I’m sure he has stored away. Why ruin that by being Michael F
Norty: ‘n Myers.
Kern: Yeah, but what if it turns out he’s returning from the future to save the whales? How could you turn that down?
Norty: And in the process has to kill Jamie Lee Curtis and all the neighborhood wives and stuff?
Kern: The whales, man! The f*ckin’ whales!
Norty: Would he be saving the whales and killing everyone else?
Kern: The needs of the many!
Norty: Outweigh the lives of….everyone else?
Kern: You’re dead inside, Norty.
Norty: …..I fill the void with booze and freshmen girls…
Kern: That makes you alright in my books.

Dr. Phil in Scary Movie 4 – Film to Still Suck as Bad as Two and Three

Dr.Phil will cameo in the next Scary Movie sequel. Entertainment Tonight apparently visited the set of the Weinstein Bros release, and got the first word on the film’s opening sequence. Apparently it will be a piss-take on Saw, with Dr.Phil and Shaq waking up in a deserted, dirty bathroom together.
“It all takes place in this nasty, filthy bathroom [where] Shaq and I are chained up together,” explains Dr. Phil, “and the way out is you’ve got to cut body parts off to get loose, so he and I are wondering which one of us will wind up doing it.” It’s the doctor’s first movie. “I want people to know I don’t take myself too seriously as it might seem when I am into a heavy issue,” says Dr. Phil. “I always try to work with humor as much as I can because it diffuses a lot of [people’s] defensiveness. I think it’s good to make fun of yourself.”
Does he ‘like scary movies?’ “They say you have to have this suspension of disbelief, and I can totally get into a movie and have that,” he says. “When I am in it, I totally immerse myself in that movie, and the goofier they are, the goofier I get; the scarier they are, the more chicken I am.”

The film stars Anna Faris, Regina King and Leslie Nielsen.

Kern: Is it wrong to hope for a Brandon Lee with Dr. Phil accidentally getting shived? Oprah’s already giving Rachael Ray her own show … It would do my heart good to see my 30 Minute baby take over for that insufferable bastard.
Norty: I cannot say I am a fan of the man. I think he’s a big ole fake, actually. That being said, I hope Shaq rips his heart out of his chest and eats it in front of him. “They made me do Kazam! KAZAM!”
Kern: See, you wanna see that in a crappy comedy; i’m hoping to see that scene on the news.
Norty: I’ll take what I can get. Seeing is believing, as they say….
Kern: You know waht’d be even better than that? Rachael Ray, Jamie Lee Curtis, Scarlett Johanssen and Salma Hayek in a girl/girl/girl/girl scene to open the Serenity sequel.
Norty: Wouldn’t that be just perfect……..and then they kill Dr. Phil?
Norty: Ah, the perfect cinema…..
Norty: And then those four open the sequels to Batman, Spiderman, Superman, X-Men….
Norty: Pretty much every decent film from now until I go blind.
Kern: i can’t believe Hollywood doesn’t come to us when they run out of ideas..
Norty: I can’t believe they still let us write here….


Another week come and gone. Thanks to Kerny for comin back and doin what we do….and to everyone at the Pulse for still being awesome. There was a lot to cover this past week and the crew really nailed it, as usual. I love me my pimping duties, I really do. But, on that note, I’ve got to go back to filling that void inside…..I’ll catch everyone next week. Go out and watch some good flicks until then.

Until Next Time…

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