InsidePulse’s WWE Velocity Report


Hello all. Welcome back. You know, I was thinking, and all of you know that I used to codename the reports Saturday Night Fever, but now they are available on broadcast at like 10am. Got any ideas for a new codename? E-mail me at the new e-mail address( via the link below and tell me what you think. Winner gets a special prize and all that jazz. Maybe even mention in a future column. That’s cutting it close though.

– Anyone catch the Central Michigan-Army game on ESPN Classic today? I know this is pretty random, but I support my CMU Chips. It’s just odd to see them on TV.

– Read The NeelDown iMPACT Zone tonight.

– Read Zarur’s HEAT report on the first broadcast.

– Josh “I seriously hate my job nowadays” Matthews and Steve “Yeah, me too but at least I get paid for watching jobbers” Romero.

MNM v. Jason Plisken & Jared Steele
Big tag team title match at the PPV tommorow, and Mercuy & Nitro work Velocity? The OPENING CONTEST at that. Snapshot.
Winners: MNM
– no rating –

Ken Kennedey v. Russell Simpson
And just when I think Kennedey might be getting a worthy push and even being one of the selected superstars to invade RAW (getting mention before hand by Angle also)it’s back to the basics- jobber squash 101. Only offense Simpson got was a schoolboy to start things off. Oy.
Winner: Ken Kennedey
– no rating –

Simon Dean came out on the segway (I refuse to call it the Dean Machine) and brought out a hot chick in a XXL WWE No Mercy t-shirt. Simon comments that she used to be an overweight slob and proceeds to take off her shirt. He says she used all of his products but the cellulite cream, so he puts some on her chest. He then throws that whole event out of proportion by randomly igniting the feud with Bobby Lashley on the mic. Insults ect, all the good stuff.

Battle Royale: Paul London v. Juventud Guerrera v. Psicosis v. Super Crazy v. Funaki v. Brian Kendrick v. Scotty 2 Hotty
Winner of this one gets a cruiserweight title shot agaisnt Nunzio at No Mercy. Nunzio & Vito watch from the stage. The typical battle royal brawling ensues to start, and settles down when Super Crazy tries dumping London but to no avail, so London gives him a taste of his own medicine and sends him the first one packing, or no. Crazy hangs in. Everybody tries to eliminate Scotty (but why?)in Royal Rumble Big Show tradition. Kendrick surprised Psicosis with a lariot that sends him outside as the first elimination. The Mexicools have each other’s backs though, as Juventud whips Kendrick into the corner for a clothseline. Fuanki hits the traditional bulldog on Super Crazy. He tries the Rising Sun but gets dumped. To Spanky’s advantage, London & Hotty double team Juventud. Scotty gets the 10 punch on Juventud and then gives Kendrick a double axe handle. Scotty on the apron now, and Super Crazy just dropkicks him out for the elimination. Thank you God. With Juvientud on the apron, London whips Super Crazy into him, but Juvi uses the ropes to pull down and not get hit, however eliminating fellow Mexicool. So now we are down to the final three, Juventud, Kendrick, and London. Staredown results in friends Kendrick and London duke it out while Juvi takes a breath. Juventud attacks so London and Kendrick try to eliminate him but no cigar. Kendrick climbs to the second turnbuckle to attempt something on Juventud in the corner, but London runs up and tosses him outside. The fresh Juventud langs on a headscissors on London, but he retaliates with the toe tap. They exchange near eliminatations from the apron. London gets settled on the apron and Juvi tries a dropkick but London ducks it. London comes back in from the top rope but Juvi hits him wit a mid-air dropkick. London tries to dump Juvi over the top rope fireman’s carry style, but the cigars just aren’t getting lit. He tries it a couple of times. Since it never works, he just slams him down. He tries dumping him again, but Juventud skins the cat from the apron. Juvi tries a suplex to eliminate London, but London lands on the apron and won’t budge. They meet up on the top rope, and Juventud tries a top rope powerbomb, but London holds on. After a leg sweep and trying eliminations, both men dangle on the top rope. London is finally able to crawl back onto the apron, and Juventud gets this off the wall idea to KICK London, causing him to fall outside for the final elimination. That was the ending? Wow.
Winner and NEW no. 1 contender: Juventud
**1/4, easily one of the worse battle royals i’ve ever seen. The typical brawling and super fast eliminations at the beginning just made it slow. It’s also crap that they think they need to narrow it down to Juvi and London to be capable of doing “big cruiser spots.” Ending was equally stupid.

End of bad show.

Don’t forget that codename.