Welcome back to The Bootleg. Thanks to Little Boy Bootleg, I’m sick as hell as I type this. So, instead of an unfunny non-music opening or a recycled one from an old column, I’m offering up some never-before-read private IMs from the dozen or so I’ve saved with our own Movie Joe Reid.
The regularly scheduled all-new Goodness appears below, in its usual spot.
What?
Oh, don’t look at me like that. Hell, at least you’re getting about 98% new material and that’s a hell of a lot more than this IP writer gave you.
Adventures in Instant Messaging
The End of the Baseball Season
That_Bootleg_Guy: Hey, how’d that Randy Johnson thing work out for y’all?
Joe Movies: About as well as that . . . oh wait, the A’s don’t sign free agents.
That_Bootleg_Guy: $200 million got you the chance to play five more games than Oakland in 2005.
That_Bootleg_Guy: Hope you got an “AL East Champs” t-shirt before they sold out.
Joe Movies: That’s true. I’m sure the A’s fans are psyched about all the money their owner’s saving.
Joe Movies: I heard he’s treating everyone to a Big Mac next week.
The end of the Red Sox Baseball Season
That_Bootleg_Guy: I think Coogan died a little today
Joe Movies: awesome
Joe Movies: Now I can die in peace.
The Joy of Sex
Joe Movies: I’m still wondering how Tobias Beecher wound up in the middle of (Wayne’s World 2).
That_Bootleg_Guy: Yet, he can’t get a steady gig on one of the eight Law n Orders.
Joe Movies: That’s what happens when you’re the bottom in a prison relationship; no one respects you anymore.
Cruise n’ Kim
That_Bootleg_Guy: The Film Experience is great, it’s like Joe Reid with a professional sheen!
That_Bootleg_Guy: And a NEW forum for your tired and hackneyed Tom Cruise humor!
Joe Movies: I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you, what with your last Lil’ Kim news report ringing in my ear.
Catholicism
That_Bootleg_Guy: Off-topic: we live across the street from a church…it’s 9:40 PM and the organs are STILL playing…do you Catholics ever go home?
Joe Movies: Let me see, is it a holy day of obligation . . .
Joe Movies: The Feast of Our Lady of the Blessed Frankfurter?
Joe Movies: Wait a minute, these are southwestern ingredients!
That_Bootleg_Guy: But, all the standing and sitting and kneeling and standing and sitting…
Joe Movies: Trust me, the Catholic Mass is something I thankfully only have to endure once or twice a year
That_Bootleg_Guy: We see the “Christmas and Easter only” folks about the same amount of times”¦
Joe Movies: This year I jettisoned Easter but my sis graduated from 8th grade this year so I make it up on the back end, as it were”¦
That_Bootleg_Guy: Yikes…are the Reid kids like ages 8-80 or something?
Joe Movies: Yeah, (she) was a . . . surprise
That_Bootleg_Guy: Like the 4 French fries in the order of onion rings?
Joe Movies: Ages 8-80: if it’s good enough for Scrabble, it’s good enough for us
Cosby Kids
That_Bootleg_Guy: Sondra = light-skinned…Denise = translucent
That_Bootleg_Guy: She looked like a sautéed onion for god’s sake
Joe Movies: Carmelized?
That_Bootleg_Guy: Not quite cooked long enough for carmelization
Joe Movies: Steamed, then?
That_Bootleg_Guy: Hey, that’s what we call hamburgers in Utica
Joe Movies: Utica, no, it’s more of an Albany thing
That_Bootleg_Guy: Just don’t ask me to explain the grill marks
Joe Movies: Or the smoke emanating from my kitchen
That_Bootleg_Guy: And I can’t even SPELL aurora borealis
Joe Movies: Aurora Borealis? At this time of day? At this latitude? Localized in your kitchen?
That_Bootleg_Guy: (pause) Yes.
Joe Movies: May I see it?
That_Bootleg_Guy: Why am I laughing at this?
Sin City
That_Bootleg_Guy: Quick Bootleg moment…the wife and I are watching Ebert n’ Roeper review Sin City…based on all their commentary, (Mrs. Bootleg) turns to me and says, “So, is everyone in it a hooker?”
Joe Movies: Ha!
Joe Movies: Oh man, that’s the kind of quote you want to open a review with
Kevin Spacey Sucks
Joe Movies: God, first K-Pax, now this; will Kevin Spacey ever stop ruining people’s lives?
That_Bootleg_Guy: Depends…is he making a Pay it Forward 2?
Joe Movies: Pay It Forward 2: If By ‘Forward’ You Mean ‘To My Bank Account’
That_Bootleg_Guy: This IM is my whole column…I’ve just decided that”¦
I think IM ready for some Goodness”¦! IM, like “I’m” or “I am”. Get it?
Why Come Kanye Don’t Return My Calls”¦?
Y’all must be hard up for heroes in Chicago. Two nights ago, Doug Eddings hand-fed your city a Hickory Farms holiday beef log of bad calls and, in just about two more weeks, hometown hero Twista is going back to school.
G.E.D.? N*gga, please.
On October 27, Twista will be participating in something called the “Principal for a Day” program at Choir Academy Charter School in Chi-Town. Basically, it’s all about celebrities (cough) coming into schools to teach the kids about their respective professions, while providing a side order of
Inspiration, sumptuously served alongside school staples like “random shootings” and “self-loathing”.
In a recent interview, Twista said, “Hopefully, I can inspire these young students to stay focused and never give up.” Translation: “If you wait long enough, Kanye West and Jaime Foxx will make you famous for a hot minute in 2004, too.”
So, now the qualification for kiddie inspiration is one hit song? Quick”¦Alannah Myles needs someone to switch shifts at the Dippin’ Dots mall kiosk, so she can tell an auditorium of 12-year-olds to stay in school.
Not so fast Right Said Fred”¦you guys can’t drop tonight’s cash register closeout shift with Kris Kross and Kirk van Houten. You’re my best guys.
911 Ain’t the Only Joke In Yo’ Town”¦
No, really”¦there was once a time when Public Enemy was the most dangerous group in music, instead of the sad self-parodies that they’ve become. And, now, these modern-day “caricatures with a cause” are coming to comic books. The entire crew will be featured in their own self-titled page turner from”¦American Mule Entertainment?
Well”¦I guess it’s a start.
Besides, we all know that this animal has always been associated with winners. Winners, I tells ya. Anyways, the storyline will depict Chuck D, Flavor Flav and Professor Griff as international entertainers by day and heroic agents fighting injustice and oppression by night. Luckily for the oppressed, they get an extra hour of the P.E. Justice League when we turn the clocks back in two weeks.
Each comic will include”¦whoa, wait a minute. Where have I heard all this before? Animated African-American entertainers who do side work as super heroes”¦? Oh yeah”¦these guys. Better known as the 2:30 to 3:00 AM leg on Boomerang’s 2-hour block of Blaxploitation Animation.
It’s basically set up for all of us who haven’t had our fill of Hong Kong Phooey, The Gary Coleman Show and the episode of Fat Albert that shoved a dividing social topic down kids throats, only to teach them that, in the end, liberalism wins n’ everyone’s still friends.
Ancient, uh, “Something” Secret”¦!
Everything you’re about to read in this next news item is entirely true.
Retired rapper, Jay-Z, is continuing to make moves as the head of Def Jam Records. His latest label signing was even ready-made for The Bootleg, as Ilmari, Ryo-Z, Wise and Verbal came on board with designs on dropping their Def Jam debut on November 16.
Did I forget to mention that these four cats form an actual all-Asian rap group? And, did I forget to mention the crew calls themselves The Teriyaki Boyz?
Well, I, for one, am shocked“¦that anyone still uses that ridiculous “Z” in an effort to be equal parts “hip” and “plural”. As for the name of the group, it’ll probably create merely a minor, not-so-hot and sour stir amongst the aging Asian-American community.
Hell, they got over Gedde Watanabe, Gung-Ho the movie and Chris Tucker taking top billing“¦although, they’re still pissed that Steve Park didn’t get more speaking parts on In Living Color and it’s certainly U.S./Asian dual distaste over Mr. Baseball.
Anyways, the new album features production by The Neptunes, DJ Premier and others. Oh, and the name of the album is”¦Beef or Chicken.
Seriously.
So, will the album be sold in stores or is someone going to hook a copy of it to my doorknob?
Is That Sand Through the Hourglass or Mick Jagger’s Bone Marrow?
The Rolling Stones have joined forces with NBC television to hype the video for their new single, Streets of Love. The video will debut, deservedly, during one of the network’s longest running jokes shows, Days of Our Lives. Both tired acts are celebrating 40 years of entertaining the middle-class masses.
And, our friends at NBC are taking it a step further, by using the song (not just the video) during Days”¦ in an effort to underscore the on-air storylines. See, apparently the soap opera’s overwrought drama isn’t enough on its own. Nope, NBC needs to sell these on-screen crotch novels, dammit. And, what better way to do that than to cue up a quartet of amorous arthritic hips?
OK, OK”¦I know that soap opera jokes are older than the 30% left of Susan Lucci’s original organs n’ appendages, but whaddaya want from me? It’s been three decades since the seminal sitcom Soap set the standard for satire and all it left us with, in the way of relevance, is Oscar Host Emeritus Billy Crystal.
Now, don’t get me wrong”¦I love the little boy shrew, but has any other heterosexual in Hollywood come close to his portfolio of unintentionally gay photos?
Ironically Enough, He Was Wearing a D.A.R.E. T-Shirt”¦
Boy George was arrested last Friday and charged with drug possession after police found 3.5 grams of cocaine in George’s New York apartment. The coke was reportedly divvied up into a dozen cellophane bags and stacked neatly next to his computer.
Y’see, after a party, earlier in the evening, George called the cops to report a burglary. When the police arrived, they found the nose candy”¦no signs of a burglary”¦and charged George with filing a false report, to boot.
Well, all things considered, it’s still not the worst thing that Boy George has ever done in the state of New York. Or, have we all forgotten the sample he cleared for Harlem’s favorite son in 1997? Anyways, George was arrested and spent the night”¦in a jail cell?
Nah, too easy. Besides, the whole “unattractive men who dress like women while in prison” angle is pretty played out, now. We’ve all seen the Queen, kids”¦everyone else has to settle for second.
Sometimes the News Just Writes Itself
Bobby Brown and the Bravo network are reportedly far apart financially on a deal that would bring a second season of Being Bobby Brown to the air. The show was a surprising hit this past summer, as it gave Black folk the rare opportunity to actually relate to a reality show, while white folk could point and laugh at us without fear of getting shot”¦for now.
Early reports indicate that the two sides could be as much as a million dollars apart, which probably means that’s it’s “one n’ done” for the first family of food stamps. Hopefully, Bravo will begin casting for a replacement reality show”¦but, who in the African-American community can offer up the unintentional hilarity of Bobby n’ Whitney?
Well, who else but Dwayne Wayne n’ Whitley?
What do we have to do to get an eight episode reality run with Kadeem Hardison and Jasmine Guy under one roof? Gee, I hope the both of them can clear their calendars.
I’d sit through 30 minutes of them dishing on A Different World (“Did ya know Dawnn Lewis was once a man? All built like Angela Bassett”¦”). Besides, the built-in tension between the two could come to a crest in the season finale, as Kadeem derisively jabs Jasmine with all the unsold copies of her self-titled CD. In response, Jasmine asks Kadeem, “Which Wayans brother are you, again?”
Someone get this deal done”¦now.
General Haberdashery”¦Fun Fact Edition
Fernandez dusts off the corpse of Candyman and places his bet on the future of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. Fun fact: The name “Jessica” was the 21st most popular name for baby girls born in 2004. From 1993-95, it was 1st, while in 1996-97 it was 2nd. In 2004, “Jeffrey” was ranked 149, while “Jalen” was ranked 190.
Gloomchen dedicates her column to the fair Elizabeth and reveals”¦for the first time“¦that she played with Transformers, as a kid. Fun fact: In 1986, Transformers: The Movie hit theaters. Children were so traumatized by the death of the heroic Optimus Prime, that G.I. Joe: The Movie (from the same production company) was rewritten with Joe leader, Duke surviving a point blank shot to the heart (with a snake, but still”¦).
Mathan flip flops on the concept of dual discs, then proceeds to use the word “nutty” more times in his column than anyone else has used it this century. Fun fact: on average, most dreams last about 45 seconds and almost never run in chronological cohesion. Believe it or not, when we’re retelling or remembering a dream, we often “fill in the blanks”, subconsciously, after the fact.
Shawn covers Gorillaz, Pearl Jam, Dr. Dre, Tom Petty and prescription drugs. He also gets more feedback from his mom than I ever have. Fun fact: An easy way to remember which muscles make up the rotator cuff is SITS (supraspinatus, infraspinatus, teres minor, subscapularis). Shawn’s column is SITASS. Freaky!
Mike Eagle sings the praises of downloading and doesn’t give a damn who knows. Fun fact: GZA was born Gary Grice on August 22, 1966 in Staten Island. In 1999, he released Beneath the Surface, which me and five other cats bought, despite its understated excellence.
J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. He’s got thoughts on this week’s Lost, the longest 10-word movie reviews you’ll ever read and an occasional contribution from the Inside Pulse African-American contingent. That’s right, kids”¦both of us! One more and they’d call us a “gang”.
Also, be sure to check out Joe over at The Film Experience. Just posted”¦Joe has a brilliant take on the “white people save the world for Black people” genre of films, but loses serious points for never having seen The Warriors. Wait, he says he never heard of it? Mathan, break his legs. Oh, and Joe knows who’s been cast as The Joker in the next Batman flick.
A is for me.
M is TV Mathan. Last year, it was Oz“¦this year, it’s Six Feet Under“¦so, does anyone have any idea which off-the-air show Math will provide us updates with next year? Freaks & Geeks, perhaps? Nah, no one gave a sh*t about that. Math’s got takes on actual shows that are still in production, including”¦well, at least one show you watch regularly”¦go read him.
I’m sick and I still give y’all eight pages of Goodness. When I’m on death’s door next week, get at me on Yahoo or AOL IM: ajcameron13.
