ENTRANCE SPIEL:
Huh.
Well, that was quite a week. I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the McMahons and their trusted associates for managing to plummet their product into levels of out-and-out inanity that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have to suffer through again. Raw. Smackdown. No Mercy. Jim Ross. Any of it, it’s all gone to hell and it’s all explained below. Thankfully there’s some encouraging comments from Batista to give us some hope and three shiny DVDs of excellence from Bret Hart to look forward to, otherwise I’d just call the whole thing off.
Next week: happier times. Honest. There should also be a new Anti-Nexus column up in the next few days.
Before we get down to it (do we have to?) some e-mails need answering…
“‘Somebody that’s been watching these shows for one week could cobble together a joint event that’s fun, so why is it so hard for people who have been watching them for their entire lives to do the same?’
You could change that around to make it about comic writers and it would be just as relevent. The answer is probably the same in both cases; lots of political bullshit, working by committee, and a lack of perspective about what will actually work. That said, you’d think booking a match would be easier than writing a story. Although that igonres the storylines. I’d better drop this analogy. Good column, at any rate.”
So says Brad Curran. I think that even the comic books the WWE put out a few years ago for The Undertaker and Chyna were better written than Raw has been lately. Honestly, how hard is it to come up with some good storylines and advance them one week at a time?
“Pretty much in agreement with the top 50. Another stellar job by you and the boy Williams, if I may be so sycophantic. Ross steals line of the year when referring to Maven as a “beetle-browed numpty”, but I think I prefer to read your more considered reviews of each wrestler. Personally, my top five in the US would have been 1. Daniels, 2. Benoit, 3. Styles, 4. Michaels, and 5. Angle…but I think my top ten would have had an extremely similar population, minus Dave, who I just can’t bring myself to enjoy.
And that’s all for now, I think. Keep up the good work on the Anti-Pulse. You’re eroding some of my cynicism regarding internet wrestling columnists, and firmly establishing yourself – in my mind, at least – as the Captain Charisma of IP.”
Thanks to Michael O’Mahony, whose cynicism will no doubt come flooding back after this week’s edition of the Anti-Pulse. Ross certainly did have some classic lines in the Top 50 this year. My favourites would either be his one about Vince “sinking his teeth into Monty Brown’s firm, chocolatey buttocks” or his suggestion of “Let’s get him a lollipop” for The Undertaker. I can just picture Taker doing his patented kneeling pose with his lolly raised proudly into the air…
There was a special message from Ross as well…
“I’ve decided to stop writing for IP and anywhere – I’m just not interested, I’m not going to bother watching RAW or SD any more either, I’ve got so many better things to do with my time, such as making buckets of cash.”
I would hope that somewhere there is one WWE employee who feels bad that people who have been closely following their product for over twenty years are now so very deeply tired of it. Anybody, even the guy that cleans the toilets. Just as long as there is one out there, somewhere… Anyway, we all hope to see the return of Ross Williams sometime soon – although I really do understand his complete lack of interest. Anyway, Ross is off to invade the USA this week, so you lot better be careful.
On with it…
WWE NO MERCY 2005: AFTERMATH
This PPV makes me feel bad. It doesn’t make me angry at the incompetent writing or sad for the competent wrestlers dragged down by it. It doesn’t even make me stand back in amazement at the thought of actual real people handing over actual real money in order to watch this. It just makes me feel bad because… well, I don’t even need to explain why, it’s self-evident from just looking at the card. Sure, most of the Smackdown-only PPVs are fairly worthless but they tend to at least have one or two redeeming features that lift them up onto a proud working class level in relation to the middle class co-brand PPVs and the overbearing glamour levels of WrestleMania. No Mercy, sadly, didn’t even make it that far. This was the equivalent of some homeless guy begging for money next to an ATM. Sure, you feel sorry that he is in such a mess but you’re in no position to help out because, judging by that overwhelming odour, he would just waste any money you give him on cheap booze anyway. Nontheless, there’s still some lingering guilt about not trying to help him out, but then you don’t even know if he’s tried to help himself or not, and pretty soon it all just turns into an unlimited blind rage of negativity at the state of the world in general that left him there and you here with a shotgun in your mouth.
Okay, so maybe No Mercy wasn’t quite that bad but it was certainly nearer that end of the spectrum from the fluffy kittens and chocolate marshmallows and buxom wenches on the other end, which in wrestling PPV terms would probably be… oh, I dunno… Canadian Stampede or something. I do seriously wonder why people continue to encourage WWE to peddle this mediocrity so regularly though. Have you actually seen the fine tradition that No Mercy has built up for itself? Here, just think how much time and effort has been wasted in bringing us the glorious spectacle of these previous “supercards”:
1999 – The inaugral No Mercy kicked off with Mideon and The Godfather, which says everything about this show really. It continued with Fabulous Moolah winning the Women’s Title in her fifties, Jeff Jarrett getting a $250,000 bonus to drop the Intercontinental Title to Chyna, and finished with Triple H holding the WWE Championship. The sole redeeming feature was Edge & Christian and the Hardy Boys stealing the show in a Ladder Match (which the Hardys won, no matter what Edge might be saying these days) but since they went on to have even better matches with one another, it isn’t enough to make this card worthwhile.
2000 – Kurt Angle won his first world title, automatically making this one a keeper, even if we did have to suffer through seeing Chyna & Billy Gunn as a tag team, Austin fighting Evil Rikishi and Mideon challenging for the European Title. Okay, so it’s barely a keeper.
2001 – Oh, f*ck, no… the Invasion… I’m just going to bang my head off the desk and move on because it would make my head hurt less. Yes, Jericho and Rock had a good match – but they had a better one at Vengeance 2001 and an even better one at Rumble 2002, so it doesn’t make up for Austin squashing RVD in the main event when RVD was the most popular man in the company at the time.
2002 – Crap, I’m actually going to have to stick up for this one. The exceptional stupidity of Triple H beating Katie Vick’s necrophiliac boyfriend Kane and killing the Intercontinental Title is quickly forgotten after the wonderful match pitting Benoit & Angle against Edge & Mysterio. I also really enjoyed the Lesnar/Undertaker Hell in the Cell, although I seem to be in the minority there.
2003 – Matt Hardy lost to a guy with one leg. Vince McMahon spent a good ten minutes beating up Stephanie McMahon. A-Train was getting a fairly serious push at the time. Another Lesnar/Undertaker match was met with rampant apathy in a Biker Chain Match, whatever the hell that was. Utter crap all round.
2004 – Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree, WWE Tag Team Champions anybody? Booker T trying and failing to imitate his finest hour in the finals of a Best-of-Five Series for the United States Title against John Cena? Another Undertaker main event, this time against JBL in a Hearse Match? Thought not.
So in six years of this crap there is a grand total of five matches that are actually worth your valuable time. Eric S said No Mercy used to actually be a pretty good PPV but I don’t think he’s remembering them properly. There’s not even enough material to fill up a Best of No Mercy compilation tape, should anybody actually be dumb enough to try such a thing. Actually, the tally is now five matches in seven years because this year’s effort offered up absolutely nothing worth keeping…
“Fly, Forehead, Fly!” Match
Christy Hemme & Animal & Heidenreich vs. MNM
Just so we’re clear, I was watching this in Skip Mode. That doesn’t mean bleaching my hair and f*cking an exercise junkie, that just means that anything that didn’t interest me I just went right ahead and skipped. It’s the only way I have been able to watch WWE shows in recent weeks and I made it through this show in record time. If I hadn’t felt obligated to watch the main event out of respect for Eddie and DAVE then I probably could have fit the whole thing into under half-an-hour – and that includes Taker’s entrance. This match I just skipped altogether, although I did suffer the misfortune of seeing Forehead doing the Doomsday Device, which was just horrible. The ’80s version of the Legion Of Doom may well have been channelling the spirit of Mad Max 2 but the 2005 version has gone Beyond Thunderdome and straight into the firey pits of an unredeemable hell. This PPV certainly has an apt name at the very least.
“Another World, Another Life” Match
Simon Dean vs. Bobby Lashley
We all know that Nova Bucci Dean is a very talented wrestler. In fact, he’s talented enough to get stuck with this insipid gimmick and play it to such absurd sincerity that I actually kinda like it. If WWE went really over-the-top with it then they could actually get some decent comedy going. Eating a lot of dirty hamburgers is not decent comedy. They should get their hands on some DVDs of The Brittas Empire if they haven’t already done so. Chris Barrie’s character is basically exactly what Simon Dean should be, right down to the fuzzy haircut.
Eeeexcellent…
I’m not sure what this would have to do with wrestling, but that’s quite obviously the least of their concerns. Let’s take bets on where Lashley will be in five years time though. Hugely popular, multi-time champion with his own burgeoning movie career? Killing time in between shooting up on junk by rambling incoherently on his Live Journal about Triple H? Seems like he has a better chance than most of the newbies, although I still can’t figure out why they didn’t throw a wad of money at Monty Brown instead.
United States Title Four-Way
Chris Benoit vs. Booker T vs. Christian vs. Orlando Jordan
Well, that’s that. Now we’ve still got Benoit doing his thing as BIG SCARY CHAMP MAN and it’s doing wonders to make that title he’s sporting seem meaningful. Unfortunately, we’ve also got to think about how little we’ve actually moved on from 1998 and that Best-of-Seven Series with Booker T over that very same title (in name). The fabled seven-year gap for recycling storylines is all very well and good for updating an old gimmick for a new audience, but not when those same two guys have been working with each other so many times in between then and now. I guess there’s the thing with Sharmell but… I just don’t care. Where will that one end up? Booker finds out what she’s been up to and either turns heel or they split up. Probably the former. Then what? Another feud with Benoit? His annual defeat by the World Champion? Unless they actually go ahead and reform the Cabinet with Booker in Orlando’s place, I really don’t care. I would comment on Christian but, really, at this point why bother?
“Fire Grenier” Match
Ken Kennedy vs. Hardcore Holly
Firstly, I really hate it when people try and put that “Kennedy… Kennedy” thing into their posts, e-mails, etc. It just doesn’t work in print, people. Hell, it barely works out loud. I skipped over most of this match too. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong with it and Holly did put Kennedy’s finisher over well but… well, there’s nothing particularly wrong with the four commentary tracks on each of those Lord of the Rings DVDs I have but I’m still not going to listen to them, you know? And for the love of all that is sacred and pure, someone find Pat Patterson a new asshole to violate so we can all put Sylvain Grenier out of our misery.
“Racism RULES!!!” Match
JBL vs. Rey Mysterio
Remember last week when I compared this one to that notorious HHH/Booker T feud? Well, here we are. Same result. Marginally better ending. You just gotta wonder…
Handicap Casket Match
The Undertaker vs. Butch & Sundance
Okay, there are two very different ways of watching WWE shows. One is the usual, regular way that we all tend to stick to most of the time. The other is when we not only suspend our disbelief, but we stick it in a glass-box above the River Thames for a month and starve it. This second method is the only way that watching The Undertaker is possible whilst sober, and it relies on the very important factor of his opponent being on the same wavelength. The Undertaker gets to do all the funky cartoon shit. So does Kane. Back in the day, Mankind could do it too. Hell, you could even make a case for Abyss. Anybody not in that gaudy, four-colour comic book zone of perplexity doesn’t participate in it. They just stand around and look concerned and bewildered and try as hard as possible not to laugh. They don’t do what they had Randy Orton do and participate in the nonsense and try to enter the zone. They’re on the outside, looking in. We know that there will never be an answer as to why The Undertaker got away with burying Paul Bearer in concrete at the nadir of the Great American Bash because that’s just the way that it is. Orton blatantly attempting murder in front of thousands of witnesses simply doesn’t work. It’s stupid. Undertaker has disappeared after losing these kinds of matches on many an occasion. He doesn’t need to be set on fire, he just needs to be gone. That’s it. No fancy effects needed. My disbelief can starve itself enough to believe Teddy Long won’t exert his authority over “The Phenom” but it’d need to start halllucinating from malnutrition before it could believe Long wouldn’t prosecute the Ortons for that.
Cruiserweight Title Match
Nunzio vs. Juventud Guerrera
Ah, I see how it is. The Mexicans can defeat the Italians, but they just can’t defeat the Caucasians. Riiight… I guess I should insert my monthly statement about hoping that this will lead to a bright and prosperous future for the Cruiserweight Division but, really, who cares? Just change the channel and watch Styles and Daniels instead, it’s much better for your blood pressure.
World Heavyweight Title Match
DAVE vs. Shiny Happy Eddie
He won the match with a spinebuster for f*ck’s sake. I need something that makes me feel bad in a very different, very special way…
Throw your love around… love me, love me…
Bingo Hand Job to the rescue.
And in case you thought that Raw was doing any better than Smackdown, well, they’re actually doing worse…
RAW IS WRONG:
I don’t normally do a feature on the weekly TV shows and this isn’t going to turn into a regular bit but I just had to highlight how completely and utterly atrocious this was. Seriously, I gave No Mercy a bad time but the main event wasn’t that bad, the Cruiserweight and United States title matches were tolerable and they did try fairly hard to get Lashley and Kennedy over. I can respect that. If I wasn’t in such a cranky mood due to a week-long feud between me and the dastardly evil that won’t let me sleep in peace (I call him Insomnior and I shall struggle mightily to escape his vice-like grip!!!) then I might have even actually… you know… liked bits of it. Maybe. If I had some good reason to do it. Like a fridge full of beer or a gun to the head. Or if I had watched it before watching Raw, which soured me so completely that I just want to throw my shoe at everybody involved, even Trish. Well, okay, not Trish. Maybe she could make do with a sock. I mean, I have sat through some dreck in my time as a wrestling fan. I’ve seen Triple H violate a mannequin in order to piss off Kane. I’ve seen Mean Gene dancing with the Gobbledygooker. I’ve seen Sting rescued by RoboCop. I’ve even Chyna’s suspiciously large clitoris. This? This was right up there with the f*cking worst of them. Well, except the Chyna thing… Ugh…
Anyway, let’s go over the show segment-by-segment:
– Stephanie McMahon takes up the opening segment and screeches incoherently for a while about how her dad is going to be here later tonight to fire somebody. I’d think that he should fire himself for being late, but whatever. I’d also think that if they really wanted to have Stephanie there to get people caught up on what was happening and build up to the McMahon reunion that they could have done the exact same thing by having her meet Eric Bischoff backstage and threaten him about his job security. They could have done that in under a minute, it would have had the exact same impact and it would have actually played on the character history between Stephanie and Bischoff. It also would have had the added bonus of not having to see so much of Stephanie for so long. It’s hard to believe now, but back in 2000 or so she was actually really pretty. Now she’s starting to look like Triple H circa 1995, which does not bode well for their kids. She doesn’t look quite as bad as Christina Ricci though, so that’s something…
Tara Reid, eat your heart out…
– Then we got the pleasure of Rob Conway beating up Doink the Clown with Eugene making the save. This ties back into what I was saying last week about there being two levels of WWE Legends – the legends and the Legends. Doink most definitely does not fit into the second category. They then proceed to have Conway call out more legends as wrestling fans the world over immediately wonder exactly what Randy Orton has been doing for the past three years. Even worse is that they had given themselves a perfect out for the Eugene character here and then blew it immediately. Eugene is a simple sort of chap who loves old wrestlers and, presumably, loves clowns. Therefore he just starts dressing up as Doink. Everybody knows who is under the make-up and so they just humour him. Gradually, however, Eugene gets far too carried away by the gimmick and begins to stop speaking in his usual voice and moving with his usual mannerisms and just starts acting a little creepy. Then, over time, we’ve left Eugene behind completely and now all that’s left is Doink the Evil Clown. Those of you that watched the original, evil version of the gimmick will hopefully agree with me that it was, in the words of Shakespeare, totally f*cking rad. Eugene then fades out of memory and continuity quite harmlessly and leaves a weird but entertaining gimmick in his place. Without any midgets. Unless we got an Evil Dink too. Now that’s class. Better than Eugene and The legend Killer at any rate.
– After this little mishap, we get Carlito’s Cabana and we get Carlito, Angle, Michaels, Show and Edge all wanting to challenge for the WWE Championship. However, none of them get picked as the top contender. No method of selecting a top contender is formed. Instead we just get a load of gay jokes from John Cena that would have quite rightly entered Tumbleweed County had the audience not contained so many idiots. You people really found that entertaining? Why, exactly? Please, let me know because I am genuinely interested in what makes this guy so popular when everything he does is so mediocre. Have we fallen that far? Would it have killed him to just make some passing reference to letting the fans choose his opponent at Taboo Tuesday? Or to have Bischoff appear to do the same thing?
– Chris Masters?
– Triple H gets the cold-shoulder treatment from the locker-room or, more specifically, the guys in the locker-room. The locker-room itself is actually quite a big fan of Triple H and has the entire Motorhead back catalogue ready to roll at a moment’s notice. Anyway, since not a single one of these guys lifted a finger to help Ric Flair during the ten minute beat-down from Hunter last week, the whole point of the segment was lost. The lengthy speech by Hunter failed too, because I still don’t know why he attacked Flair. He spends two years trying to help Flair get his confidence back and when he finally does, he just appears out of nowhere and flattens him? Riiight… Not buying it. I could have bought into him getting pissed off at Flair teaming with Shawn Michaels. I could have bought into him being revealed as a huge fan of Chris Masters, playing on Hunter’s bodybuilding fascination, and then getting pissed off at Flair embarassing the newbie. I could have bought into him simply being jealous that Flair could be so successful on his own without his direct involvement, which I think was what they were going for but it still wasn’t very clear. Hell, I could have even bought into them resurrecting the “she was mine before she was yours” thing with Stephanie had they chosen to go down that road, strange as it may have been. This segment had the very simple tasks of explaining Hunter’s motivations and telling us what was going to happen to the Intercontinental Title. It failed in the first and ignored the second altogether. Not good.
– Now we reach the high point of the entire show. When you can say that about a women’s match, you know the show is in serious trouble. That’s not sexist, it’s just good sense. It’s a shame, since Trish and Victoria are perfect examples of how to get good looking women involved in good wrestling matches rather than just prancing about in lingerie pillow-fight soft-core nonsense that does nothing for nobody. I’m sure there must be other talented women wrestlers out there with the looks… right? Alexis Laree or whatever her name is may well turn out to be one of them – and can’t be any worse than Torrie Wilson at least – but we’ll just have to wait and see on that one. It still doesn’t excuse them bringing her in as yet another crazy stalker chick just like Victoria and Tori and Nidia. Fuck, go and buy some originality cookies already. And “The Matrish”? No. Just… no.
– BIG FUN SIX MAN TAG PARTY! EVERYBODY DISCO DANCING! I HAVE VERY GOOD TIME! Yeah, yeah, and the rest. Remember when JR said on his Ross Report that it was refreshing to see a big tag match in the main event for a change because it was just fun and not at all lazy booking? That excuse works once. It doesn’t work for continuing the lazy booking on both Raw and Smackdown rather than actually trying to get some straightforward feuds going on.
– Now it all wraps up in a McMahon family reunion party! Wow! I am so honoured! So the point of this and the entire show and the storyline they are trying to make the lynchpin of Raw boils down to this: the Chairman of the Board and the CEO of WWE Inc. and their daughter, who in storyline terms doesn’t even work here anymore, turn up to ramble on about how Steve Austin, who hasn’t been on the active roster regularly since 2002 and never will be again, gave them all a Stunner last week and then they proceed to take out their frustrations on the announce team and fire one of them by kicking him in the balls. This doesn’t involve any of the active wrestlers whatsoever. The only person who has been positioned into standing up for JR is someone that has only one match left in him and that’s reserved for Hulk Hogan. The thought of having a heel McMahon faction making things difficult for the valiant babyfaces is nauseating. The aforementioned seven-year cycle means they are trying to regurgitate this from the Austin/McMahon feud of 1998… except that feud never ended and has been repackaged numerous times in practically every single show they have run since that point, right up to the Cena/Bischoff feud that has been dominating Raw lately and will be completely overshadowed by anything the McMahons choose to do, even though it’s all based on the exact same f*cking point. There is just no redeeming quality in any of this. I said last week that I was pleased JR wouldn’t be announcing Raw anymore and I stand by that… but not having a replacement signed and going ahead with such a stupid angle regardless is as stupid as it is arrogant. Do they really expect people to be sitting at home saying “Oh my god, they fired JR! Damn them McMahons! I must watch next week to see what they do next!”? Are there actually people sitting at home saying that? Are you that dumb? It just makes me feel ashamed to be watching. In fact, I’m not watchiing anymore. Fuck it. I can’t cope with anymore of this and I’m not going to encourage it. If it starts to infect Smackdown too, as it surely will with this idiotic “brand war” they have deluded themselves into thinking is a good idea, then I’m just going to tune out of that show too. Fuck it, I’d rather watch Jarrett/Nash than watch Vince, Stephanie or Linda. The rumour of Shane turning into the “good” McMahon and making WWE.com into some bizarre “third brand” is laughable, if only for the idea that the McMahons would turn the internet into the good guy at long last. It still doesn’t give me any viable reason to watch Raw.
In fact, I asked that very question in the Top Ten thread over in the forums the other day – why the hell should I watch Raw this week? Here are the answers I got…
“Because it’s the same thing we do every week Pinky.” – Grr_Argh
Yeah, well, “tradition” seems to be a word that angers WWE in general right now, so I won’t bother with it either.
“Because Flair still has a title.” – benoitisgod
True, but if it’s not a token one-day World Title reign before he finally retires then it’s not a good enough reason for me.
“If you don’t watch, you won’t see what everyone is complaining about.” – Renfield
That’s kind of the point, really…
“De Ja Vu.” – RVD4Ever
Oh no, there’s a glitch in the Matrish!!
“For the same reason you stop and look at a car wreck.” – ROWSDOWER
Never done that. Never actually seen a car wreck.
“I hear HHH is going to give a great 20 minute promo. Again.” – Hollywood
Again? When was the last great one?
“Because I need to watch something on Monday night’s whilst enjoying the precious herb.” – soybot
Hell, you could find great fascination in your own fingernail by that point.
“Trish Stratus. Nuff said.” – soybot
Sure, but the internet has my back on that one…
I can’t get no, etc.
“because you can be like every other IWC geek and claim to hate what you can’t stop to watching (sorry had to rip off Kevin Smith a little)” – sbbrbnhood
Stupid sexy Kevin Smith. Anyway, that’s a half-truth. I’m a geek but I’m not in the IWC. I just work here.
“We can’t miss the McMahon family reunion!” – Grr_Argh
Well, no, not now that I’ve already seen it. I can sure as hell miss the continuation of it though.
All in all, I’m not convinced. I’m just really tired of it all and, frankly, insulted that they could offer up so little and expect so much in return. I’ll probably check out Taboo Tuesday and continue to watch Smackdown in full-on Skip Mode but as far as Raw itself is concerned… no more.
TOP 5 TRANSFORMERS:
1. Optimus Prime
2. Grimlock
3. Megatron
4. Starscream
5. Jetfire
ANTI-NEWS:
“He’s not the first psycho to hire us nor the last. You think that’s a commentary on us?”
Thankfully, there isn’t a great deal of wrestling news to get through this week. I really don’t think I could take writing this particular column for much longer, it’s just breaking my heart to see WWE going around in circles the way it is and the people with the authority to set it off in new directions just too afraid to do so. Well, maybe something that doesn’t sound quite so emo, but you get my point. Besides, I have a copy of ABSOLUTE WATCHMEN to get through and that’s just far more entertaining. There’s no Ross Report either this week and it’s not just for kayfabe reasons. Unfortunately, JIM ROSS has been hospitalised for colon surgery. In his own words – “They found something massive in my intestines. They don’t know what it is, but they will have to cut out part of my intestines.” According to backstage rumours, this is an entirely separate situation from JR being “fired” from Raw and they would have gone ahead and done that angle even if he didn’t need to take time off for surgery. I’m not sure I believe that. Still, forget the mind-numbing awfulness of Raw and forget what your opinion of JR’s current announcing skills might be, because this sure as hell knocks it all into perspective. I wholeheartedly wish him all the best and hope he makes a speedy recovery.
***
“You know, they tell ya to never hit a man with a closed fist but it is, on occasion, hilarious.”
After all this negativity I could sure use a crash-course reminder in why I even bother watching wrestling at all. Thankfully, BRET HART has my back and his DVD, The Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Ever Will Be is now available for pre-order and due for release in December. There are three discs and approximately 549 minutes of the very best Pink & Black Attack moments from throughout his career. Here’s the match listing:
– Hart Foundation vs. British Bulldogs (Madison Square Garden, 13/07/85)
– Hart Foundation vs. Killer Bees (Madison Square Garden, 17/02/86)
– Bret Hart vs. Ricky Streamboat (Boston Garden, 08/03/86)
– Bret Hart vs. Ted DiBiase (Odessa, TX, 08/03/89)
– Hart Foundation vs. Rockers (Saturday Night’s Main Event, 28/04/90)
– WWE Tag Team Championship Match:
Hart Foundation vs. Nasty Boys (Wrestlemania VII, 24/03/91)
– WWE Intercontinental Match:
Bret Hart vs. Mr. Perfect (SummerSlam, 26/08/91)
– WWE Intercontinental Match:
Bret Hart vs. British Bulldog (SummerSlam, 29/08/92)
– Bret Hart vs. Bam Bam Bigelow (Barcelona, Spain, 24/04/93)
– King of the Ring Semi-Final Match:
Bret Hart vs. Mr. Perfect (King of the Ring, 13/06/93)
– Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart (Wrestlemania X, 20/03/94)
– WWE Championship Match:
Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart (White Plains, NY, 29/09/94)
– Bret Hart vs Hakushi (In Your House, 14/05/95)
– WWE Championship Match:
Bret Hart vs. Diesel (Survivor Series, 19/11/95)
– WWE Championship Match:
Bret Hart vs. British Bulldog (In Your House, 17/12/95)
– Submission Match:
Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin (Wrestlemania 13, 23/03/97)
– WWE Championship Match:
Bret Hart vs. Undertaker (One Night Only, 20/09/97)
– Owen Hart Tribute Match:
Bret Hart vs. Chris Benoit (WCW Nitro, 04/10/99)
There are some notable omissions, of course, but you would expect that when trying to compress a career like Bret’s into just three discs. Personally, I would have included Bret/Savage from SNME, Bret/Piper from WrestleMania VIII, Bret/Michaels from Survivor Series ’92 (or their Ladder Match), Bret/Lawler from SummerSlam ’93, Bret/Backlund from Survivor Series ’94, Bret/Flair when he won his first title, and possibly something involving Bad News Brown or Goldberg. Still, I’m not complaining, this is one hell of a fine line-up. I’ve never seen those Bret/Steamboat or Bret/Undertaker matches and the Bret/Austin classic is still the greatest wrestling match of all time in my eyes. It’s gonna be an excellent Christmas, alright…
***
“That means you’ll have to rely on your winning personality to get women. God help you.”
Continuing the surreal experiment of making big announcements on WWE.com, the latest one is that MATT HARDY has been signed by Smackdown and will make his debut next week on the Peep Show. Hands up everybody who didn’t see the Hardy/Christian feud coming? One… two… three… okay, fine, you lot can pay close attention to the following:
Anyway, Hardy spends his interview time ranting about Edge some more (just, you know, to be different) and includes some unintentionally golden comedy such as “…it’s just time to move on to bigger and better things and move onto my ultimate goal and that’s to be World Heavyweight Champion.” Oh, Matt, you so crazy…
He then moves on to comment about the nature of online wrestling fans and how “…at a moment’s notice they’ll be the first to be hypocritical. Instead of looking at the glass half full, they’ll look at it half empty.” Sure, but glasses are for wimps. Drink from the bottle.
The most important part is of course the recent Raw/Smackdown bad blood and the potential for yet more Edge/Hardy antics – “I would almost bet money that there will be another or more Matt Hardy vs. Edge matches.” Well, not if the Grammar Demon sends his squadron of telepathically trained killer monkeys after you first. Then you’d be f*cked, wouldn’t you? Huh? Yeah. But if the monkeys don’t get the call then, yes, there will be more Edge/Hardy in the future, as I’ve covered many, many times.
Then he rounds it all off with yet more soap opera goodness, this time concerning the rumours that he and Ashley have been sharing moments – “We spent some time together and I think each one of us made the other happy. We definitely enjoyed each other’s company.” I want to start a petition to get Edge to ditch Lita and shack up with Ashley. It would very possibly be the funniest damn thing this side of a bird standing on the head of a statue. C’mon, now that’s just great fun.
***
“We’re not gonna die. We can’t die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so… very… pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.”
Not to be outdone by the boy Hardy, DAVE recently had a curiously good interview with The Sun. Those of you not up to speed on British newspapers might not know it, but The Sun is the newspaper equivalent of Paris Hilton. Still, they seem to have a decent track record with the wrestling interviews they do. Here are some choice quotes from our World Heavyweight Champion…
“I’m a huge fan of Christian – I enjoy every aspect of his work, the fans love and appreciate him, he has a great attitude, awesome work ethic, is always in shape and is very smart about the business. I feel very strongly that he’s underutilised.”
Okay, so the fans quite clearly enjoy watching Christian (and not just some online cult of Peeps, the reactions from the crowds are clear enough), the World Heavyweight Champion quite clearly wants to see Christian get more opportunities, and Christian is by all accounts generally well-liked backstage, is naturally talented at wrestling and has a winning personality… and yet none of this convinces the people in charge to do more with him? I just can’t understand that at all, to be honest.
“Vince told me: ‘I want you to got out there and be this insatiable camera hog.’ So I modelled and posed and hogged the camera as much as I could. When I came back Vince was so fired up and was screaming: ‘That’s money, that’s money, I smell money.'”
I bet you Vince does the very same thing in bed with Linda too. “Money!! I smell money!! I’M VINCE MCMAHON, DAMMIT!! ONE, TWO, HE GOT IT!! Oh, no, no he didn’t…”
“It was very difficult and I was a little disappointed with our matches. JBL and I have absolutely zero chemistry. Enough said about that.”
He’s not wrong there and his displeasure was clear to see in his half-hearted post-match celebrations. Thankfully, him and Eddie Guerrero are doing a lot better with one another.
“There are still people brought up without the right preparation. Look at Bobby Lashley – I don’t even think he’s close to ready. Bobby Lashley, if held back for a while, could have been another Brock Lesnar. He’s got the amateur accolades and he’s an incredible athlete.”
Don’t worry, he makes people eat cheesburgers! That’s money!
“Muhammed Hassan, a different person would have made that character work. He was helped a lot with his promos and in the ring I don’t think he held his own at all. Daivari, on the other hand, was perfect – if only we could have taken Daivari’s mind and stuck it in Muhammed Hassan’s body.”
Again, our benevolent champion takes the time to stop and praise the little people. Bless him. I hope Daivari returns sometime soon.
“I did like The Ultimate Warrior, but I was always more a fan of The Warlord and Ricky The Dragon Steamboat. My rope shake is a total Warrior rip off – I’ve never denied it!”
That may very well be the only time I have ever seen Ricky Steamboat and The Warlord on a “my favourite wrestlers” list.
“Brock Lesnar, without a doubt. It’s a dream match for a lot of people, including myself. We could have the bout that Goldberg vs. Lesnar should have been.”
This was in response to a question about his dream opponent for WrestleMania XXII and there’s quite simply no arguing the point. Given Lesnar’s current employment, it is looking less and less likely to happen by the day, in which case they would be best off using Ross Williams’ idea of a Batista/Undertaker match. Realistically however, we’ll get stuck with Batista/Orton. Joy. By the way, why exactly did New Japan just cave in and give their belt to Lesnar in his first ever match for the promotion? Do their fans actually accept that, or is it the Japanese equivalent of Hogan/Flair in ’94? I know there’s this grand myth about Japanese wrestling fans getting throbbing erections at the thought of seeing a large, well-built American wrestler but is it actually true?
TOP 5 GREEN LANTERNS:
1. Guy Gardner
2. Killowog
3. Kyle Rayner
4. John Stewart
5. G’Nort
EXIT SPIEL:
– IAIN BURNSIDE will be here next month. Anybody else?
– STACY KEIBLER plays with a dildo to keep fit.
– VINCE RUSSO apologises to JR by way of shamelessly plugging his new book, Forgiven.
– KEVIN BUFTON has his Final Raw Main Event problem sorted out.
– DAVID DITCH clarifies the Lesnar/NJPW situation.
– DAVID BRASHEAR blames Kurt Angle for JBL.
– MARK NEELEY reviews the Ultimate Warrior DVD.
– MATT BASILO continues his Smallville recaps.
– JOHN DURAN does the cluckitycluck thing for Lost.
– ROBERT SUTTON reviews the first volume of Transformers: Cybertron and, well, it just ain’t good news.
AIM: KingKongBurnside
Iain Burnside is currently in dire need of a drink…
