The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #111

Meredith Vieira: Okay, for $32,000, which of these is not an insect… A. Bee, B. Ant, C. Earthworm, or D. Scorpion.

Me: Actually… a worm is an annelid and a scorpion is an arachnid. So it’s both C and D. It’s a trick! This question is a sham!

Meredith Vieira: That’s it. You’re off the show.

Me: I read on IMDb that you don’t wear underwear… HAHAHA

The following was a dream that I had the other night. Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up. And I still really want to be on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Time-Life’s ’70s Music Explosion CD collection. Now for the first time ever, all the one of a kind ’70s radio hits are together on one convenient collection. You’ll relive all the memories from top 40 radio, along with your favorite .45s and 8-tracks. If you’re looking for the ultimate 70s collection that has all of your favorite songs, and then some, this is the collection you. Do it for Mungo Jerry and John Sebastian! They need your money! Plus, if you buy it, Erica Shaffer might have sex with you.

So I was getting ready for work the other day, and I needed to bring my training binder with me because I had to go to our Plainfield location to learn about the proper ways to write up and fire people. It was great. Anyway, I grabbed my binder from the second-to-top-shelf in my closet and started putting on my socks. As I did this, I was facing the closet, and helplessly watched as two half-full containers of Pringles came crashing down to the floor. Apparently, I had positioned them precariously as I’d moved them out of the way to get my binder, and another folder shifting caused them to fall. Now, if you’ve ever dropped a container of Pringles, or even had it in a bag that caused it shuffle around a bit, you know that the Pringles container is quite possibly the worst performer when it comes to crash tests. Sure, they keep the chips fresh, crispy, and delicious for weeks on end, but the top pops off extremely easily. Just try it, grab a Pringles container that has had the foil removed and drop it on the ground from 2 feet or higher. The damned thing is guaranteed to open spilling all of its delicious contents on the ground, dashing them to pieces in the process. So there I was, 10 minutes until I had to leave, and I had two half-containers’ worth Pringles broken all over the floor of my closet, which happens to be carpeted. Being the neat freak I am, I took the time to gather the larger shards and DustBuster the remaining crumbs. It sucked, and as a result of my having to make up that time, I forgot to put on deodorant, and was uncomfortable for the rest of the day. Plus, I’d lost chili cheese and ranch Pringles in the accident, which are two of my favorite flavors. The moral of the story is: don’t keep food in your closet—that’s what pantry cabinets are for.

Oh yeah, and I saw KMFDM on Wednesday, and although Sascha is the only one from the original lineup left, they still put on a pretty good show. More notably, though, was a band called Bella Morte, that I’d heard of but never heard. They’ve got a punk/industrial fusion thing (kind of like if you mixed Killing Joke with Nekromantix) going on, and put on a really good live show. They also did a cover of “Earth Angel” for all of the Bettie Page wannabes in the crowd, which was surprisingly good.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE (WACKY MAD LIBS EDITION)

I am going to be revamping my plugs section sometime in the next month, in the meantime, here’s a rehashed idea…

Despite suffering from a _NEBULOUS_ flu, which he caught from _JARED FOGEL_, That_Bootleg_Guy manages to _APPREHEND_ a good _BANANA SPLIT_ without _MASTICATING_ all over himself (see El Pollo Loco). This week’s _PILLOWCASE_ features IM conversations with _G.E. SMITH AND THE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE BAND_, with topics ranging from _THE MAGNA CARTA_ to the Cosby Kids to _ARMPITS_.

Mathan had a crazy _CALIFORNIA ROLL_ this past week, too, except while mine was about Meredith Vieira, his was about _DEF LEPPARD'S "ARMAGEDDON IT"_. In this week’s _SNOWSHOE_, he explains how he changed his opinion on _SHOVELS_ after finding himself specifically _MARINATING_ the new Fiona _BLACKCURRANT_ album on DualDisc, because of the exclusive _TRILOBITE_.

D.P. Wieland _CHOPS WOOD_ this week, with a _FLYING BUTTRESS_ chock-full of music to _BAKE A CAKE_ to. After rummaging through his _WIGWAM_ collection, he comes up with some vintage _STEGOSAURUS_, courtesy of _GENERAL NORMAN SCHWARTZKOPF_ and _BILLY BLANKS_. He also proclaims Pink Floyd’s The Final Cut to be one of the _SQUISHIEST_ albums in the history of _THE ANGLO-SAXON RUNIC ALPHABET_.

Gloomchen discusses how she’s found a _SLIDE RULE_ through _ROSICRUCIANISM_, starting with _LA PARKA_ when she was a child to _DICK VAN PATTEN_‘s _PINEAPPLE_ in Guyville when she was a _FOUR-BAGGER_, on which she was able to _PREEN_ to almost every single _SOUP DU JOUR_. However, it seems as if when _LISA BONET_ changed her _KID-GLOVE_ style, Gloomchen outgrew her _PLEXIGLAS_.

Mike Eagle has made a triumphant _TOMATO AND BASIL RISOTTO_, and a _ENDOMORPHIC_ admission in that he is a _JEHOVAH'S WITNESS_, and readily downloads _RIBOFLAVIN_, movies, games, and _SANDPAPER_. However, I cannot _STEREOTYPE_ him for this, because I _CROSS-CONTAMINATE_ just as much _MEDICINE BALL_ as the next _COMMUNITY CHEST_. Check out the new _AGUA DE JAMAICA_ for Eagle’s _CHIMNEY_.

KDP lauds _NEW EDITION_, and goes on to _ENCOMPASS_ that once you’ve heard of them, you’ll have _MISAPPROPRIATED_ a childhood _SNAP PEA_ from him, and that you’re a _IGNOMINIOUS_ _HYPERCUBE_. But seriously, check out _MILLARD FILLMORE_, because he is _SATURATED_. Sorry, KDP…

NEWS TO USE

Tommy Lee was injured on Wednesday when some pyro from part of Mötley Crüe’s show in Casper, Wyo., went awry and burnt him as he was suspended from a cord from the ceiling rafters. The incident occurred near the end of the band’s set, and they were able to play one more song before being forced to cut the show short. Lee was taken to local hospital, but his condition was not immediately disclosed to reporters. As result, reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet were forced to guess what his condition is, so… Tommy Lee’s face has been melted off, he was impaled on a swordfish, and he somehow sprouted another foot from his left shoulder. You heard it here first!

Bizzy Bone recently told reporters for MTV that when he spoke gibberish on a Houston radio show a few months ago, it wasn’t because he’s crazy, but because he was having a religious experience and was speaking in tongues. “You hit them with that, they be like, ‘This muthaf*cka is kinda crazy but he keeps on talking about Jesus! He keeps on talking about the Lord!'” he told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “I know who I am; I’m the Lord’s baby. That’s just real. It’s good to be the Lord’s child. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to saw my eyelids off with a butter knife in order to keep the Devil out.”

Sharon Stone and Denise Rich have penned a track to help raise money for hurricane relief, called “Come Together Now,” which will be unveiled at a press conference on Monday in Hollywood. The song will be a collaboration among several artists, including Wyclef Jean (who is also doing another benefit song with Norah Jones), Angie Stone, Joss Stone (no relation), The Game, Celine Dion, Ruben Studdard, John Legend, Chingy, Mya, Nick Carter, Jesse McCartney, and Jojo. Hrmm… one of these things is not like the other, and she looks like an Afghan Hound…

Separated at birth? Seriously, though, last time I compared Celine Dion to an Afghan Hound I got hate mail for it, but come on... this is more uncanny than anything involving 50 Cent.

Some rube stole a van full of sound equipment and vintage guitars belonging to the Raveonettes while they were inside getting ready to play a gig at Brooklyn’s Warsaw club. Fortunately, they were able to borrow instruments from another band in order to play their set. “So much has been lost, but there were four guitars and basses that are truly the things that matter most to us,” singer Sharin Foo said. “Like [Sune Rose] Wagner’s Jazzmaster from 1961, that he has lived and traveled with, played and written on for the past 12 years. … If you see or hear anything about these two guitars and two basses please email us immediately at info@theraveonettes.com. You will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.” We here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet believe that finding Lil Jon and beating him with pillowcase full of bars of soap will break this case wide open, because he is a f*cking shitstarter and probably had something to do with it.

Quick Bits

Rapper Foxy Brown has diagnosed with sudden sensorineural hearing loss in both ears, a usually irreversible condition, which causes the patient to go deaf without any warning. She hopes that she will rap again, and I hope that Wendy’s still has that Bacon Mushroom Melt, because I could really go for one.

R. Kelly asked a judge to postpone his upcoming pretrial hearing on child pornography charges when he appeared in a Chicago court on Friday. The judge granted the request, so that the singer could perform at a hurricane relief show in Los Angeles, and urinate on a few infants while he’s at it.

Eric Clapton sold the publishing rights to his autobiographical manuscript to Doubleday, as was announced on Wednesday. The publisher plans to release the memoirs in 2007.

Tom Petty will be presented with the Century Award for outstanding achievement at this year’s Billboard Music Awards on Dec. 6. In a related story, the Billboard Music Awards are worthless and as expendable as slipper socks at the beach.

A Static Lullaby bassist Phillip Perrone is in intensive care after being seriously injured in a car accident in Chino Hills, Calif., on Wednesday. The spokesperson for the band, however, told reporters that Perrone is expected to make a full recovery.

Nelly will receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame next month. Hopefully, somebody has the sense to break it over his head. Wait a minute… oh, it’s just the St. Louis Walk of Fame. I guess that’s all right then, because Phyllis Diller and Ozzie Smith need some company.

MTV will premiere Madonna’s new documentary, I’m Going to Tell You a Secret, on Oct.21. The movie contains footage from last year’s Re-Invention Tour, and will… eh, you can’t possibly care about this, so I’ll stop now.

Interscope Records announced plans on Tuesday to release Curtain Call—an Eminem “best of” compilation—on Dec. 6. If this album does not contain anything from before 1999, then everyone in Detroit is going to Hell, including the Insane Clown Posse. Good.

Big Boi recently announced that the new OutKast album, Idlewild, is slated for a Dec. 6 release. It will more than likely be insanely overrated, even if it does turn out to be good.

Former Big Audio Dynamite guitarist Nick Hawkins died last Monday after suffering from a heart attack. He was 40.

Babyshambles had to cancel three of their UK shows—in Norwich, Coventry, and London—after volatile singer Pete Doherty got frustrated after he was held by police in Shrewsbury after being found with 15 kg of heroin stuffed up his ass. Okay, I made that last part up, but I’m probably not very far off.

Jessica Simpson is debuting her footwear line next month. Pamela Anderson and Bryan Adams are shooting a video for their duet, proving there is no God. Tegan and Sara are making a appearance on that lesbian show.

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

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For more info email press@astralwerks.net.

iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Sheila E., “The Glamorous Life”
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, “Runnin’ Down a Dream”
Dajae, “U Got Me Up” (Cajmere’s Underground Goodies Mx)
Björk, “Army of Me”
Bush, “Everything Zen”
George Michael, “One More Try”
Dead Kennedys, “Terminal Preppie”
The Only Band That Matters, “Straight to Hell”
Paul McCartney & Wings, “Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five”
.38 Special, “Caught Up in You”
Megadeth, “Angry Again”
Beck, “Loser”
EPMD, “Strictly Business”
Felix Da Housecat, “Rocket Ride”
Ocean Colour Scene, “Hundred Mile High City”
Garbage, “Only Happy When It Rains”
Nikka Costa, “Like a Feather”
Machine, “There But for the Grace of God Go I”
Underworld, “Push Upstairs”
Boyz II Men, “Motownphilly”
Rolling Stones, “Miss You”
The Damned, “Would You Be So Hot (If You Weren’t Dead)?”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

Ex-action movie star actor guy Steven Seagal is shelling out $300,000 of his own money to record a blues album, tentatively titled Mojo Priest, which is already underway at his studio in Memphis. The album is slated to feature cameos by Bo Diddley, Koko Taylor, members of the Muddy Waters Band, James Cotton, Louisiana Red, Robert Lockwood Jr., and David “Honeyboy” Edwards, and will feature both blues standards and Seagal originals. Seagal told reporters that he hopes to have the album completed by the end of the year, and is filming the recording sessions for a possible DVD to be released with the CD. “Blues is my real passion, and I’ve always wanted to do a blues record. … I’ve had very close relationships with a lot of the great legends, many of whom I got to play with.” he told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “I decided to fund the record myself, which is always much better, then shop it and see who wants to jump in. … This will cost me at least $300,000 to do it right. But I want to do it right, because I’m a perfectionist. So, as a result, I will not appear on it at all, because I am a poison, to be avoided at all costs.”

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I believe in a thing called love; just listen to the rhythm of my heart…

Cheers
-JF2k5!