InsidePulse’s WWE Velocity Report


No e-mails about new Velocity codenames as in last week’s report. Doesn’t anybody read the Velocity reports anymore? Is the broadcast evil?

Actually I get a benefit now, I get to multi-task and watch Velocity on my computer while watching the Penguins-Lightning game on TV, so cool.

– Hosts: Josh “what did I do on Tough Enough to deserve this job?” Matthews and Steve “what did I do PERIOD to get this job?” Romero

Simon Dean v. Paul London
Nova is becoming the new Sho Funaki of Saturday nights i’m afraid. He did move a step up the corporate ladder this week though, taking on London rather than a jobber. Simon talks about eating the cheeseburgers at the PPV and then tells London that he still has some calories to burn off. He offers him a cheeseburger (which kind of defeats the whole buring calorie purpose) and London takes a bite then throws it at him. Dean tries a blind charge but gets hiptossed. Dean whips London to the corner and misses a charge as London lept over him, and then London hits another hiptoss into an armbar and then sweeps him. London with a snap belly-to-belly suplex. London goes in for a charge but Dean backdrops him onto the apron. Dean then guides him to the corner and slams him face-first onto the ring post sending him down and Dean follows him out and gets a kick, resulting into a 1 count back inside. Dean stomps a mudhole in the corner and follows with a mule kick. London gets a sunset flip out of the corner for 2. Dean fights out of a whip and stomps on London’s head for 2. Dean locks in an abdominal stretch but London quickly knees out of it. London gets a spinning heel kick and follows up with an enzigiri for 2. Dean reverses London’s whip but gets elbowed and toe tapped. London proceeds to hit the Dropsault and rolls him up for 2. London tries the standing Shooting Star Press but to no avail as it connects with Dean’s cast. That allows Dean to hit the Simonizer for the 3.
Winner: Simon Dean
*1/2, mediocre opening match and Dean actually got over for a change.

A pre-taped promo sees Kid Kash say he is the best cruiserweight in the world. Which leaves me with this question: why the hell would you go to WWE?

Funaki v. Kid Kash
By God, it’s the return of the the Undisputed Velocity Champion! And he’s about to show this new Kid a lesson. Funaki tackles a hammerlock off the get-go. Kash reverses it into one of his own, so Funaki grabs a headlock. Kash then reverses that into his own headlock, but Funaki shoots him off to the ropes and hits a dropkick. Funaki with another headlock and snapmares Kash down in it. Kash reverses it into an armlock . Again Funaki whips him off, but this time Kash, in diva style, HAIRMARES Sho down. Funaki goes with a grounded side headlock yet again, and Kash gets to his feet with it. Funaki whips him off to the ropes breaking it, leapfrogs over Kash on the return, but receives the Bankroll which gets a 2 count. Snapmare takedown by Kash followed by kick to the spine. They brawl for a bit in the middle of the ring, resulting in Kash hitting a rewind DDT over the knee. Kash locks in a bow & arrow stretch submission. Funaki is able to fight to his feet and hit an enzigiri. Kash reverses Funaki’s whip and sends him to the corner but gets kicked on the return charge. Funaki gets a back drop and then bulldog for 2, then goes up top and nails the top rope crossbody. That’s that vintage champion offense we like to see. It gets 2. He whips Kash to the corner then and goes in, but Kash climbs up and hits a moonsault for 2. Kash fights out of the attempted Rising Sun and nails the modified muscle buster for the win.
Winner: Kid Kash
**, we knew who was going to win, it was too slow to start to actually call cruiserweight action, but it is cruiserweight action nonetheless, and that counts for something these days.

Not sure if it was from SmackDown or not or a Velocity exclusive so I threw it in here, but Chris Benoit says he’s looking forward to defeating number one contender Booker T.

Sylvain v. Bobby Holly
Match was so dull and lifeless I couldn’t even recap it. Life’s too short, right? Those same old warn out chest chops from Hardcore, punch-kick combos from Sylvain. The finish saw Holly reversing a suplex into a rollup for 2. Yeah, cool finish. Not.
Winner: Hardcore Holly

While this show had the chemistry to be average at the least, it sucked royally. And that indeed sucks considering the show got pack on the right path — or so I thought, last week.

– Well, don’t forget to read The NeelDown: iMPACT Zone tonight, which will hopefully pick up the slack from a bad show that was this week’s Velocity.

See ya in 7.