Post Scriptum: Everybody Hates (Insert Your Name Here)

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As I watched an episode of UPN’s new sitcom Everybody Hates Chris this past week, I couldn’t help but contract a tiny case of nostalgia.

You see, I too am the smushed middle-child to a family of three siblings, eccentric mother and single-minded father. Not to mention the fact that the bully scenario on last week’s episode reminded me of my own tormented past.

Back in Junior-K, I had numerous occasions when I’d be reading (or attempting to) after school, when a slightly larger, middle-eastern girl in my class would tackle me to the class floor and do a jig on my back. I still remember what the carpet fibers felt like getting snuffed up my oh-so-tiny nose. To make matters worse, the teacher would always conveniently miss her attacks and my own friends would make like Chris’s Greg and leave me to be smothered.

I know– you’re reeling from the inhumanity of it all.

Yes, these aren’t the most memorable moments of my life, but the fact that Everybody Hates Chris vomits them back to technicolor reality makes me really appreciate the show. It’s humbling, the type of thing you could be watching when you’ve superstar-ed your way to a mansion in the Hollywood Hills, but still feel like you’re back home in the crusty suburbs with Mom frying some chicken, and noisy kids playing outside.

Chris’s character validates just about everyone who has ever considered the world an iniquitous, heartless place. Of course those feelings are more exaggerated as a kid, but those childhood moments never fail to resonate, which is why Everybody Hates Chris works so well.

My mom never tried to stuff left over sausage down my throat, but she HAS forced me to eat sunny-side up egg-yolks which she is convinced will cure my every ailment, irregardless of the fact that they taste something akin to grandpa ass. And of course, Dad has his own theories.

The point is, when I watch that show I become Chris Rock, and it’s not nearly as scary as it sounds. Everyone has that kid with a good heart who never seems to get a break deep inside them, despite the world’s undying efforts to make us all cold-hearted cynics.

I don’t think I’ll ever develop Chris Rock’s great comedic prowess, but at least his show grants me my own sitcom.

Oh and that buggy-eyed thing he does so well? I’ve mastered it to a tee.