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Bad News

I’ve spent entirely too many hours playing my latest video game The Warriors. This game is everything the recently released DVD should have been. It’s all encompassing, it features gang bios (they may be brief but they’re better than nothing.) It also makes the Baseball Furies even more menacing (the immediately post blackout level is insane!) Thus I’ve not watched too much television (I think I missed two shows).

What I Watched Last Week

Real Time With Bill Maher – I’m sorry but the former politician who happened to be missing an arm monopolized my attention. I was completely distracted by his nub moving around violently in his coat sleeve. I can’t remember anything else about the episode, I was damn near hypnotized.

Rome – Dope episode, even if I missed Gaius. Caesar was a bit harsh on the kid king and his eunuch. This was the first episode where I found the English accent distracting. I didn’t really care for the Egyptians speaking with it. And I know that the Romans didn’t speak in it either, but as proudly ignorant American I can accept that accent because they’re both in Europe. But Egypt isn’t, thus should have it’s own accent.

My Name is Earl – Funny episode. I like how karma isn’t just a theme on the show, but rather almost a character. Giovanni Ribisi did a really good job. I dug his accent. Like I said, funny episode.

The Office – I really do love this show. Sure I don’t laugh out loud, but I’m still finding it terribly funny. The Halloween costumes were funny (even Jim’s costume was funny in a lame way.) Michael toying with Dwight was hilarious. The ending was touching and really gave Michael some more depth. I’m afraid to say it, but I actually care about these characters.

Lost – Ugh. I’m already dreading the flashbacks this season. Last seasons theme was “how they got on the flight”, this seasons theme is “how they became the person they are today.” It’s dreadfully boring. This week’s episode was “eh” we got a glimpse of an “others” (I’m not convinced they are the “others”.) Echo was going to eventually be my favorite character, so I might as well make it official.

As for characters I want dead; Jack (since last season), Sawyer (because he’s trying too hard to be hard), Michael (because he’s whining about a kid that he’s been with for all of two days before the flight), Hugo/Hurley (because I’ve not tolerance for cheap comic relief) and Charlie (because he should have died last year).

Boston Legal – Denny Crane is dope. It took me awhile to warm up to the character, but I’m so diggin him right now. He’s hilarious and vulnerable. He’s dead serious and cocky. I love it. But the show is floundering with the other characters. I love the writing and many of the characters, but I’m not confident on the survival of this program.

Nip/Tuck – Can a show really go from 100% to 25% in only seven days? Yup. If this show were a tattoo artist, it wouldn’t get any return work because it’s so heavy handed. God, it’s barely watchable.

The dramatic entrance of Christian’s mother would have worked so much better if I knew/remembered that he was adopted. And was it awful direction or acting when Christian saw the latest carver victim? He should have had some reaction; surprise, sympathy, horror, smugness. Something. Instead he had a nearly blank face, which did nothing to build up the reveal that everyone knew was coming.

Over There – I really enjoyed this episode. I dug Tariq’s overcompensation. I liked the vote, I liked the near screw up. I could have done without the “scenes from home” but the near adultery worked. The ending was a surprise and seemed pretty cruel. I mean, he was about to score (I keed, I keed.)

Grey’s Anatomy – I hate this show. So help me if Dr. Bailey doesn’t have a healthy relationship with a Black man, I’m going to be pissed. Just like last season when I wanted to pretend that I didn’t see the seeds of a Burke/Christina relationship, I pretended not to see a Dr. Webber/Dr. Grey Sr fling in the past. I thought, “there’s no way one show would have two Black men who had relationships with co-workers who weren’t Black.” Foolish me, for thinking that a show that basically avoided the whole abortion issue, would tiptoe around another issue.

Desperate Housewives – I loathe this show. Lynette is barely likeable. The story with the battle between Bree’s boyfriend and son was oddly entertaining. And did Alfre have the week off, or did I miss something. You’d think that the main mystery of the season would have it’s players appear every episode, and you’d be wrong.

Reunion – I love hating this how. The third episode was not that bad. 1988 was almost tolerable. What was up with “the one crime I committed” as a line? Um did breaking and entering from the second episode not count as a crime?

The writers of this show seem to be the laziest in the world. Every line is predictable. Will telling off Sam was horrible awkward. I’m almost curious what could make the survivors form a conspiracy pact, but I’ll honestly watch the show just to hate on it.

Greatest Show Ever…this week Oz

How does a show that’s not even on HBO anymore get such an honor? Well it should be obvious; DVD. I watched both of the Season Four episodes with commentary (by Rita Moreno, Dean Winters and Lee Tergesen) and they were hilarious. Who knew that Rita Moreno, who was probably near menopause when I discovered her on The Electric Company had such a libido? Who knew that Adebisis asked to be killed off? Who knew that Dean and Lee would off the most consistently entertaining commentary since Old School? Who knew that Keller leaves Beecher voicemails to this day? Well the commentaries were insightful, entertaining and informative. Who could ask for more?

Ok, I would have liked to know who was bigger; Vern or Adebisi.

Shagability

I was talking to my best friend about the shagability of cast of Girlfriends. This is kind of a coincidence because he’s the one who got me watching it in the first place.

Anyway he said that they were all shagable. And I agreed to a degree. Here’s how I’d rank them.

Jill Marie Jones would be first. I picked her because she’s the tallest. And she’s a bit more than brown. If I had a type, she’d be it. And those lips!

Golden Brooks is next. She’s more of an “around the way” girl. She’s a bit short for my taste, but she’s not unattractive so it almost balances out.

Persia White comes in third. If you had to guess my type based on recent relationships, she’d be it. He’s a bit light for me, but the height evens things a bit. However her wacktoos are certainly a demerit.

Reggie Hayes is next. Yes Reggie Hayes is man, but he’s infinitely more attractive than Diana Ross’ daughter. I’d much rather have sex with him (either way) than spend any quantity of time with her.

Tracee Ellis Ross comes in dead last. Maybe it’s because I love comic books and her angular features could give The Joker a run for the money. She does absolutely nothing for me. Here are the images (here and here) that Jason Torres used to try to convince me that Tracee Ellis Ross is shagable. It’s still not working.

But I can say that with those pics he sent she has moved into a three way tie with Bea Arthur and Abe Vigoda.

Animated Conflict

Last week I posed the following scenario;

Good News; you’re a celebrity. Bad News; you’re Black (and before I get any letters, let’s take Michael Jackson, Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson and any rapper into consideration). Maybe you’re a retired athlete. Maybe you’re a world wide musical phenomenon. Maybe you’re an honest to goodness actor. Who knows, the point is; you’re famous. Good News; you’ve got your own show. Bad News; it’s a cartoon.

So would you rather be Mr. T or Gary Coleman?

Aaron had this to say.

No contest, Math…make mine Mr. T. First and foremost, in his cartoon, he’s alive. It seems like such a little thing, but as we all learned from Patrick Swayze in Ghost, being dead sucks and then Luis Guzman tries to kill your wife. Secondly, T gets to kick it with a team of gymnasts in his show, while Coleman gets a middle-aged white angel and a 10-year-old girl voiced by Kim “Tootie” Fields. OK, call that one a “push”, but it’s not like Gary’s getting the hot-for-a-minute Kim Fields from Living Single circa 1994. Finally, Mr. T’s cartoon led to a short-lived breakfast cereal, while Coleman just couldn’t bring it with the bowl. I pity the fool who
don’t agree.

Colin, concurred;

No question. T. Coleman’s aight, but he has no chance here.

Let’s look at the facts: if someone’s gonna get in your face about how you’re washed up, do you wanna ask what they’re talking about, or do you wanna just whip they as$?

Plus, the guy’s beaten breast cancer. MR T BEAT UP CANCER! That’ll get you some major trim. Something about shared pain.

And let’s pretend we’re going back to the A Team days. I bet T could get George Peppard to introduce him to Audrey Hepburn. I got a thing for Miss Golightly, and sure, she was a bit aged in the 80s, but it’s not like you have to tell people WHEN you got her.

Lastly, Mr T’s after-school special back in the day was the illest. T rapping, trying to pop-lock, telling you to not do drugs and respeck yo momma. And, oh yeah, TRACKSUITED, JHERI-CURLED, NEW EDITION SINGING A KIDDIE SONG!

No amount of Gary talking to the president and telling Lisa she’s being glib can beat this.

Both Aaron and Colin make strong points. Aaron almost won me over with the “pity the fool line.” But I’m going with Gary on this one. First of all, Gary’s got the typical “animators don’t know how to draw Black people’s hair” mini fro going on. I can deal with that. But Mr. T’s hair is terribly dated. I’m talking Flock of Seagulls dated. Plus as Cam pointed out, if I’m dead, I’m that much closer to Luis Guzman, which would place me like two degrees from everyone in Hollywood.

Of course this brings us to…

Good News/Bad News/Question of the Week

Good News; you’ve got a lead on a huge story. Bad News; you kind of lack proof. Good News; your story will have wide reaching ramifications. Bad News; everyone believes you’re on a wild goose chase. Maybe you think aliens kidnapped your sister. Maybe you are on the trail of a green monster and a “dead” doctor. Maybe you’ve actually figured out Lost. Either way everyone thinks you’re a kook. Good News; your gig gives you some pretty nifty clearance and an expense account. Bad News; you’ve yet to show any “results.”

So would you rather be; Fox Mulder (The X-Files or Jack McGee (The Incredible Hulk)?

Links

I’m way too beat and this column is an hour late at least.

J.A.M.

My column is so late that Aaron’s new Bootleg is up. I’ve yet to read it. But he teases with Foxy Brown, so it should be exemplarily as always. (Wait I actually tried to use his link to my last column for my “last week…” section, and I’ve got to respond; doesn’t the fact that it was a “swerve” really eliminate any need for a soapbox?)

Joe Reid gives you one less reason to buy Entertainment Weekly has he has his Fall Movie Preview. It’s amazing.

Here is where Joe admits that he couldn’t relate to the reason why my column is so late. It’s a great read, but I think that Joe’s New York ID might be in question.