LEADING OFF
Happy Bosses Day!
Snaps to Aaron Cameron for writing one of the damn funniest and truest things I’ve ever read. In his Friday Music News Bootleg column, when he commented on Bosses’ Day (it was this week), saying:
“For those that don’t know, I work for the one of the largest defense contractors in the world. I’ve been there for six years, scored three promotions during that time and I still need about three retirements and a workplace assassin in front of me if I’m ever gonna have anyone working under me.”
Oh it’s damn true. There are a lot of middle aged people in case you haven’t noticed. And they all have the nice management jobs you can’t figure out why you don’t have.
It doesn’t matter if you have an MBA, CPA, or nice TNA (well maybe that one helps), if you are age 25-35, chances are you’ve got a long, miserable road of serving as a drone in a cube for the next 15 years before you can sniff the corner office.
And if you haven’t given up, committed suicide, caught bird flu, or been blown up in the subway by then, congratulations to you, your spiffy new position will probably be eliminated in 3 to 5 years, leaving you with the awesome task of being over 50 and looking for a job. It sucks. Hats off to Aaron for summing up in one paragraph the overriding angst a lot of us feel.
Okay is everybody happy!?!?!?!? No? Well I’ve got the cure for that. Let’s opiate ourselves with some FOOTBALL!
WEEK SEVEN
DETROIT LIONS (2-3) AT CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-3)
1PM Eastern, FOX, Browns Favored by 3
The Storyline
Both teams enter this game with a 2-3 record, but that same record means very different things to each team. For the Browns, it means they are making progress. They have played solidly all year, and the early indications are that they made a great decision in turning the team over to Romeo Crennel. The Lions, meanwhile, should be running away with the NFC North. They’re not. The Detroit fans have taken to chanting “Joey Sucks” at Lions QB Joey Harrington.
Key Questions
What are the Lions’ alternatives to Joey at QB?
Bachelor #1 is veteran Jeff Garcia, he has a broken leg. Bachelor #2 is Dan Orlovsky, a rookie from U Conn. The Lions would probably be better off putting a helmet on Ben Gordon and sending him out there.
What’s the best joke I’ve heard this week?
From the Detroit Free Press: “The Lions’ offense has gotten so bad, it probably couldn’t even score on a Vikings cruise.”
How about the Browns, how’s their QB situation?
A mere week and a half after throwing palm branches at the feet of Trent Dilfer, the media is now speculating on whether his job is safe. Crennel was asked in a press conference whether he was thinking of making a switch to rookie Charlie Frye, and his response was, “”What we’ll do is that we’ll look at it, and we’re looking at everything. And if we determine that a personnel move needs to be made, then we’ll make a personnel move – at whatever position it is.” That’s not exactly a vote of confidence in Dilfer.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
This game is not appointment television. Both teams are offensively challenged, and if you’ve seen either of them play this year, chances are you don’t want to see them again. In the last 3 seasons the Lions are 3-15 on the road, and 1-12 on grass. In that same time, the Browns are 5-5 against the NFC, and 6-21 against their AFC brethren. Cleveland has already knocked off two NFC North teams this year, the Bears and Packers, and this Sunday they will add Detroit to the list.
BROWNS 17, LIONS 14
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Lions Win-
Somebody has to win the NFC North, and a win in Cleveland would be a big step towards being that team for the Lions. Next week they face the Bears, who beat them 38-6 in Week Two. The game will be a very crappy showdown for first place in the division.
Lions Lose-
It’s going to be difficult for the Lions to make the playoffs if they can’t win on the road. If they can’t beat Cleveland, maybe the worst home team in the league, then they’ll be hard pressed to beat anybody away from Ford Field.
Browns Win-
The Browns have an outside chance of having a winning record at the midpoint of the season. A win against the Lions evens their record at 3-3, with games against Houston and Tennessee on deck. The Browns at 5-3? It could happen.
Browns Lose-
Romeo Crennel’s team has done a good job of bringing home the W in games against opponents they can beat. This game falls into that category, and a loss here would be a step backward from what they’ve been doing so far this year.
Can the Lions Grab A Road Win?
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (6-0) AT HOUSTON TEXANS (0-5)
1 PM Eastern, CBS, Colts favored by 16
The Storyline
The unbeaten Colts face the winless Texans. While this game won’t do anything for the Colts’ BCS rating, barring a change in the tilt of the Earth’s axis, they should be 7-0 on Monday morning.
Key Questions
Who’s the most underrated player on the Colts?
That would be linebacker Cato June. June had 2 picks on Monday Night against the Rams, giving him 5 on the year. By way of comparison, the Texans as a team have 1 interception all year.
Is Peyton Manning getting on your nerves?
He’s kind of getting on mine. ABC had him mic’ed up for the game this week, and it seemed like the referees couldn’t scratch their ass without Manning telling them when to do it and how vigorously. If I have a zebra shirt and white polyester pants on, I’m telling Peyton to mind his own business and let me do my job.
What was worse, the Houston Astros choke job on Monday Night, or the Houston Texans giving up 320 rushing yards and losing 42-10 on Sunday Night?
They’re both really bad, brah.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Let me preface my prediction by pointing out that even though they are 6-0, on offense the Colts have been playing like a bunch of vaginas this year. Week after week they line up against horrible, horrible teams, and play like they are scared to death of losing to them, rather than playing with confidence and blowing them off the field. They are not going to reach the Super Bowl playing the way they have, and I’ll go a step further and say they won’t win a playoff game playing the way they have.
A piece of advice to Tony Dungy and the Colts; the football is not a fabrege egg fellas, you don’t have to worry about breaking it. For the love of God it’s easier passing kidney stones than watching you try to pass the ball into the end zone. Take the stick out of your asses, play aggressively on offense, and get your timing down in the passing game. You’re going to need it badly in the second half of the season, because the Bengals and Chargers, and yes probably the Patriots too, are going to kill you if you come out against them with the namby pamby offensive game plan you’ve been using this year.
The Texans suck really, really bad though, and the Colts are going to win by a lot. Most likely they will follow the same script they have all year, pussyfoot around and struggle for a half, then pull away in the 3rd and 4th quarters.
COLTS 34, TEXANS 10
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Colts Win-
The Colts are 7-0, but have gotten there playing some really bad teams. They will have two weeks to prepare for their Battle Of Mogedo in Foxboro.
Colts Lose-
If the Colts lose this game, I will carry a bird flu suppository inside my person for the entirety of next week.
Texans Win-
This team needs a win desperately. This would do nicely. But it’s not going to happen. Maybe next week, when Cleveland comes to town.
Texans Lose-
The Texans have to get ready for next week’s game against the Browns as if it is their Super Bowl. They won’t have as good of a chance of getting a win until Week 15, when the Cardinals come to Reliant Stadium. Nobody wants to be the first team to go 0-16.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-4) AT ST. LOUIS RAMS (2-4)
1 PM Eastern, FOX, No line currently
The Storyline
Both of these teams need a win to keep their seasons alive. Both are also without key components of their offense. The Saints lost RB Deuce McAllister for the season, but Antowain Smith and Aaron Stecker filled in nicely last week, combining for 174 yards on 28 carries. The Rams will be without QB Marc Bulger, and hope that career backup Jamie Martin can step in and get them a win.
Key Questions
Are the Saints going to move to San Antonio permanently next year?
San Antonio wants the Saints bad, and the mayor of the city, Phil Hardberger, has said as much. What is interesting is that the Saints’ owner, Tom Benson, floated the idea of moving the team to San Antonio to Hardberger three months before Katrina hit New Orleans. This week, he fired team executive Arnold Fiekow, who is strongly against officially moving the team out of New Orleans. 24 of the league’s 32 owners would have to approve the move, and you can bet that it will come to a vote. Keep in mind that San Antonio is currently considered Dallas Cowboys country. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones may have something to say about the Saints horning in on his territory.
Who’s Aaron Brooks going to be throwing to in this game?
Running back isn’t the only position where the Saints have suffered injuries. There’s a good possibility that both of their starting wideouts, Joe Horn and Dante Stallworth, will miss this game. If they’re out, that leaves Az Hakim and Devery Henderson as the starters.
How’d Joe Vitt do in his debut as interim head coach of the Rams?
Pretty well actually. The result was a blowout loss, but the Rams looked a lot looser in the early going than they’ve looked for most of this year. We’ll see if that carries over this week.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
These teams met in St. Louis last year, and the Saints, minus Deuce McAllister, stunned the Rams with a 28-25 overtime win. The loss was one of only 3 the Rams have suffered at home in the last 3 seasons. You can expect another tight game this year. The Saints are again without McAllister, but they showed last week that their offense doesn’t skip a beat without him, and last year Aaron Stecker rushed for 106 yards against the Rams.
The Rams will be without their quarterback, Marc Bulger for this game. Their longtime backup, Jamie Martin, will get the start. Martin started one game last year, and the Rams got drilled 31-7 in Arizona. In 2002, Martin saw significant playing time in 5 games, and the Rams lost 4 of them. The Rams haven’t shown they can win with Martin at QB, but the Saints keep finding new ways to lose every week. The Rams are 15-3 at home since 03, and they’ll find a way to make it 16-3.
RAMS 34, SAINTS 27
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Saints Win-
Beating the Rams in their house twice in two years is a pretty impressive feat. The Saints will ride that much needed win into Week 8, when Nick Saban returns to Baton Rouge to lead his Dolphins into a half empty Tiger Stadium.
Saints Lose-
It’s looking more and more like this team is heading toward pressing the reset button next year, and beginning a new life as the San Antonio Saints. A 2-5 start means there’s a good chance they’ll be doing it without coach Jim Haslett, and many of the current crop of underachievers on this team.
Rams Win-
A win keeps this team on life support for one more week. They have another home game next week, against Jacksonville, and could have a chance of being 4-4 heading into their bye week. They should have a healthy Marc Bulger when they resume their schedule in Week 10 with a huge game at Seattle.
Rams Lose-
A 2-5 record means this team is dead as Liberace. This is another team that could be getting an enema this offseason if they don’t pull it together fast.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (3-3) AT PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (3-2)
1 PM Eastern, CBS, Eagles favored by 4
The Storyline
If I can watch one game this week, this is the one I want to watch. Two teams with exciting offenses that don’t play each other very often will square off in a game both teams need badly.
Key Questions
Are the Chargers going to part ways with backup QB Phillip Rivers?
It sure is looking that way. Earlier this week, the Chargers performed an exchange of one player’s contract for the contract of a player on another team. In other professional sports leagues, this is known as a “trade”. In the NFL, this is unheard of, but the Chargers did it, swapping 3rd string QB Cleo Lemon out to the Dolphins for AJ Feeley. This would seem to indicate that Rivers could be on his way out, with Feeley moving into the backup spot.
The Jets could be the destination. In return, the Chargers would get disgruntled defensive end John Abraham. Of course, if you at some point in your life have picked up and thrown a football, you probably have been rumored to be headed to the Jets to be their new quarterback, so take that particular rumor with a grain of salt. One thing seems clear though, something is up here.
The Eagles had a bye last week, why is that important?
It’s important because they are 6-0 following a bye week since Andy Reid’s been the coach. They are also 41-10 in games played after they have had their bye week in that time.
Who is going to finish with more TD passes this year, LT or Drew Brees?
Probably Brees, but maybe not. Through 6 games, Drew has 8 TD passes, Tomlinson has 2.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Eagles just don’t believe in running the ball, and it’s gotten them mixed results this year. Lucky for them, they are facing a team that ranks 27th in the league in pass defense. This promises to be one of the more entertaining games we’ve seen so far this year, and there should be a lot of offense from both teams. I don’t think the Chargers can contain the Eagles passing game though, and that’s why the Eagles will come out on top.
EAGLES 31, CHARGERS 27
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Chargers Win-
Sometimes the Chargers are good, sometimes they’re bad, but they are always fun to watch. Maybe a win here gives them critical mass to get them unstuck from the mud of mediocrity they’ve been in this year. A win at home against the Chiefs next week takes them to 5-3 and in the thick of the playoff chase.
Chargers Lose-
A 3-4 start isn’t the way the Bolts wanted to begin their defense of their AFC title. With the Broncos off to a red-hot start, they’ll be playing for a wild card the remainder of the year, which is hard to do in the AFC.
Eagles Win-
To the surprise of everyone, the NFC East is probably the best division in the league. A 4-2 record is good, but it won’t give the Eagles any breathing room in that division. They’ll need to keep the pedal to the metal all year.
Eagles Lose-
If the Eagles can’t get a win this week, they could be in big trouble. Not only will they be 3-3, and at the bottom of the division as the season nears the halfway point, but in their next 4 games they have roadies against Denver, Washington, and the Giants, and a home game against a Cowboys team that embarrassed them two weeks ago. If the win/loss record takes a turn for the worse, stand back because this team’s mojo is going to get real bad real fast.
“You Sure Did Beat the Crap Out of Us Today”
GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-4) AT MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-4)
1 PM Eastern, FOX, No line currently
The Storyline
For years this rivalry has determined who will win the Black and Blue division. This year, it’s a matchup of two teams that have combined to win only 2 of 10 games. Oddly enough, the Packers have a lot to feel good about. They are coming off a 52-3 win, and are only a game out of first place. The Vikings are also only a game out, but they have nothing to feel good about. Their well publicized nautical misadventure has scuttled their season, and not too many of the Purple Headed Warriors are going to escape this season with their jobs.
Key Questions
What’s the good word from Planet Nuthouse, I mean, the Vikings?
There’s article in this week’s issue of SI that reports Vikings owner Zygi Wilf reportedly uncorked a “profanity laced tirade” at the team in a meeting last Friday, chiding them for the Boat Ride from Hell. One of the Vikings comments on the party in the article, saying, “That shit has been going on every year, and every year it has escalated.” Apparently, the party is a party paid for by the team’s rookies, planned by the veterans, which takes place every year during the team’s bye week.
Good thing the Vikings solved that character problem when they got rid of Randy Moss huh?
Oh yeah, big time.
Why is there no betting line on this game?
That’s an interesting question. There aren’t any key injuries, which is normally why odds makers would hold off on setting a line. What this suggests is that Vegas could know something the media doesn’t know yet, and that’s that there are going to be some big time suspensions/players being shown the door coming down from Admiral Zygi to his seamen.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
There’s a good chance something’s going to come down for the Vikings between now and the time the game is played, and it’ll be something that results in the Vikings missing a lot of players for this game, but I’ll make my pick independent of that information. Sex boat or no sex boat, the Vikings have lost 8 out of the last 10 regular season games they’ve played.
The Packers roused themselves from the realm of the walking dead sometime in the second half of their Monday Night loss in Carolina, and since then have played like they are going to take this NFC North title. The Packers are hot, the Vikings are in a bigger mess than any team in recent memory has ever been, so I’ll take the Pack.
PACKERS 27, VIKINGS 23
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Vikings Win or Lose-
Win or lose, this season is a lost cause. The Vikings make the team from ESPN’s late, not so great “Playmakers” show look like a pretty harmonious bunch of guys by comparison. I’m getting a feeling that there is a nuclear option along the lines of what came down against the NBA’s Indiana Pacers after the infamous Detroit brawl getting ready to be exercised on this franchise, and it’ll be interesting to see what the fallout will be.
Packers Win-
The Packers justifiably feel they can rebound from an 0-4 start to win the NFC North and make the playoffs. Their next 3 games after this will play a big role in determining if that can happen. The Pack travels to Cincinnati in Week 8, then has the Steelers and Falcons after that.
Packers Lose-
If the Packers lose to the Vikings in the state the Vikings are in, they may as well go ahead and charter their own Sex Boat too.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (3-2) AT MIAMI DOLPHINS (2-3)
Friday Night, 7 PM Eastern, , Dolphins favored by 1
The Storyline
With South Florida bracing for Hurricane Wilma (and possibly erstwhile Miami Hurricane Jonathan Vilma), this game has been moved to Friday Night. Despite the odd timing of the game, it will be a crucial game for both teams. They are both trying to get a leg up in the AFC playoff race, and need to avoid a loss in this game in order to do that.
Key Questions
How big a deal is it for the Chiefs that this game is being played on Friday?
Actually, it’s a pretty huge deal. Back in another lifetime, I worked for a real, live, actual NFL Franchise. Well, more accurately, they were a real NFL franchise when I worked for them, how they are something less than that, you might know them as the Chicago Bears. Anyhow, the Chiefs are going to be flying into Miami this morning, and playing the game tonight. This is something you never, ever, ever do.
It’s never been done in the history of the league. SOP in the league is to fly into the city you are playing in the night before, at the latest, check into the team hotel, have a team meeting, have a team breakfast the next day, then bus over to the stadium the next morning. This is going to be totally different.
The fact that this game is moved to Friday is going to have a big impact on the outcome of this game.
That Dave Wannstedt is a great judge of talent isn’t he?
He sure is. Back in 1997 he traded the Bears’ first round draft pick to the Seahawks for QB Rick Mirer. Seattle used another trade with Tampa to parlay that pick into two time All Pro OT Walter Jones. Tampa used the Bears’ pick to pick a guy you may have heard of, RB Warrick Dunn. Mirer was gone from the Bears by 1999. That worked out awesome. Last year, he traded a second round pick to the Eagles for QB AJ Feeley. Feeley was a bust as the Dolphins’ starter, was demoted to third string, and was traded to the Chargers this week for QB Cleo “CALL ME NOW!” Lemon.
But Wannstedt lost his job in Miami because Ricky Williams took a year off to treat his mental illness, not because he is a terrible person to have running your organization. No, really, Tom Jackson told me so on NFL Countdown last week.
Tony Gonzalez chirped for the ball during the bye week, then caught only 2 passes last week. How’s he feel about that?
Gonzo insists he is happy, because the Chiefs won the game last week. He told reporters after the game, “See this smile?” Gonzalez said. “As long as we win, that’s all that matters.” Dick Vermiel insists that the Chiefs are trying to get him the ball, telling the KC Star, “Tony Gonzalez carries an unbelievable reputation. From week to week, people do a really good job trying to shut him down. We’ve got to do a better job of putting the ball in his hands. But it wasn’t because we didn’t try.”
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Dolphins showed some alarming inability to stop the run last week against Tampa, and that’s not a good thing heading into a game against the Chiefs.
Dolphins Stadium is turning into a difficult place to pick up a road win, and its going to be even tougher given the goofy itinerary the Chiefs will have just to get themselves on the field for this game. But, the Chiefs will use their tandem of Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson to control the clock, and the game, and grind out a win in a tight game.
CHIEFS 20, DOLPHINS 17
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Chiefs Win-
Despite the fact that they really haven’t played very well this year, a win will improve the Chiefs’ record to 4-2. Next week they travel to San Diego for a game that could be the determining factor in whether or not they make the playoffs.
Chiefs Lose-
The Chiefs can’t afford a loss in this game. Their schedule after this week is murderous, and includes 2 games against San Diego, road games at Dallas, Buffalo, and the Giants, and difficult home games against Cincinnati and New England. They need to put this game against the mediocre Dolphins in the left hand column.
Dolphins Win-
The Dolphins are trying to improve on a week to week basis. After winning 2 out of their first 3 games of the season, against pretty good teams (the Broncos and Panthers), they have regressed the last two weeks. A win this week gets them back on track, and puts them at 3-3 heading into an interesting matchup with Saints that features the return of former LSU coach Nick Saban to Baton Rouge.
Dolphins Lose-
A loss here means the team is continuing to backslide, and that’s not what Saban wants to see. Next week’s game becomes an important indicator of whether or not this team is making any progress. If they’re not, the housecleaning that began with the trade of Feeley is going to continue on a larger scale this offseason.
PITTSBURGH STEELERS (3-2) AT CINCINNATI BENGALS (5-1)
The Storyline-
The Steelers are wounded, and the Bengals want to sink their teeth into them and make the kill this Sunday. This fact is not lost on Pittsburgh, and they will have their starting QB, Ben Roethlisberger, back after last week’s Tommy Maddox debacle, and hope to avoid falling waaaay behind the first place Bengals in the AFC North.
Key Questions
This is the biggest game for the Bengals since when?
Too long ago to know for sure. All we know is that it probably involved an Ickey Shuffle.
How did Steelers fans react to backup QB Tommy Maddox’s very, very bad performance in last week’s loss to Jacksonville?
By throwing garbage on his lawn, and telling their kids to make fun of Maddox’s kids on the school bus.
Maddox’s agent took a stand against this behavior, saying this week, “Having your kids deal with it at school and on the bus is a very, very tough deal. People quickly forget that the Steelers were nowhere near going to the playoffs (in 2002) and Tommy stepped in and guided them there and to a win against Cleveland. They forget how he was paralyzed (partially, during a game in 2002) and came back and put his body on the line for the city and the Steelers.”
Any word on what Chad Johnson has planned for a TD celebration this week?
News that security will be performing pat-downs on all fans entering Paul Brown Stadium on Sunday has inspired Chad. He told the Cincinnati Enquirer, “Maybe I could pat down the ref. Like when he raises his hands, I could tickle him or something. I won’t touch him, but I’ll pretend, and everybody will get the point. I like that.”
Riiiight. You won’t tickle him, it’s like, pretend. Maybe then you can “pretend” to do like, a cavity search or something. Isn’t football gay enough with the spandex pants and the men huddling together and chasing after a “sack” and such?
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Steelers have won 3 out of the last 4 meetings between these teams, and won both meetings last year. When these squads met in Cincinnati in Week 11 last year, the Steelers were able to strangle the Bengals running game, holding them to only 62 yards on 16 carries. The Bengals played the Steelers tight the whole game, but eventually the Steelers were able to outlast them because the Bengals couldn’t get anything going on the ground.
Pittsburgh dominated time of possession in that game, winning it by a whopping 18 minutes. Pittsburgh’s run defense is ranked 6th in the league this year, and is surrendering only 3.4 yards a carry, so I think they be able to use a similar gameplan in this contest.
The Bengals thrive on creating turnovers, but Ben Roethlisberger is a smart quarterback who has not thrown an interception all year. The Bengals lone loss this year is to the Jaguars, another team that relies on a strong rushing game and a strong defense. I think the Steelers match up in the same way, and will win this game.
STEELERS 23, BENGALS 20
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Steelers Win-
As I mentioned earlier, the Steelers need this game badly. A win puts them at 4-2 and ½ game behind the Bengals. They will have a great chance to close that gap next Monday Night when the Ravens visit Heinz Field.
Steelers Lose-
A loss here, and the Steelers are relegated to playing for the wild card. That’s a risky proposition in the AFC.
Bengals Win-
This game can be a backbreaker to the Steelers, and the Bengals know that. They could be 6-1, with a great shot at 7-1 with Green Bay coming to town next week.
Bengals Lose-
Just as a win against Pittsburgh would send the Bengals’ confidence sky high, a loss would let a lot of air out of their big orange tiger striped balloon. They’ll be in for a long, hard, slog if they are to stay on top of the division.
The Bengals Can Grab A Commanding Lead in the AFC North
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (1-4) AT WASHINGTON REDSKINS (3-2)
1 PM Eastern, FOX, Redskins favored by 11 ½
The Storyline
The Redskins return home following a pair of hard fought road losses to AFC West royalty Denver and KC. They get a welcome respite from a difficult schedule, facing a Niners team that has resumed its role as league whipping boys after winning its season opener.
Key Questions
Is Alex Smith ever going to be any good?
Well, let’s take a look at the success rate of QBs who were drafted in the top 10 in the last 10 years, and we’ll grade them on a pass/fail/incomplete basis:
Eli Manning, Pass. Philip Rivers, Incomplete. Carson Palmer, Pass. Byron Leftwich, Pass. David Carr, Fail. Joey Harrington, Fail. Michael Vick, Pass. Tim Couch, Fail. Donovan McNabb, Pass. Akili Smith, Fail. Peyton Manning, Pass. Ryan Leaf, Fail. Steve McNair, Pass. Kerry Collins, Pass.
So by my count, that’s 8 Passes, 5 Fails, and 1 Incomplete. So going on that alone, he’s got a little better than a 50/50 chance of being good. Wasn’t that fun?
How did 49ers coach Mike Nolan contradict himself this week?
He did it by trading deposed starter Tim Rattay to the Buccaneers. Nolan has repeatedly stated that his goal is to win right away, and that he thinks his team is capable of achieving that goal. The Niners have not only traded away their opening week starting quarterback, but also one of their starting linebackers (Jamie Winborn). A team that did indeed win its season opener is now much weaker than it was when it started the season, and it’s not consistent with the line that the team was selling its fans when Nolan was hired.
Speaking of trades, how’s that Santana Moss for Lavaernues Coles trade working out for Joe Gibbs and the Redskins?
Moss has 33 catches for 631 yards and 4 TDs. Coles has 26 catches for 289 yards and 1 TD. I’d say it’s worked out pretty good for them.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Niners just aren’t capable of beating anybody on the road right now. Going back to 03, they are 2-16 away from the Stick. Throw in the fact that the Redskins are a much better team than the Niners, and this game is going to be a blowout win for the Skins.
REDSKINS 37, NINERS 10
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Niners Win-
A win would go a long way towards giving the Niners some confidence in their young quarterback, it’s just not very likely.
Niners Lose-
The 1-5 Niners return home to face the Bucs, and wouldn’t it be something if Tim Rattay was Tampa’s quarterback in that game?
Redskins Win-
A team led by players their former teams deemed expendable (Mark Brunell, Clinton Portis, Moss), is 4-2, and has a huge roadie against the Giants in Week 8.
Redskins Lose-
After a 3-0 start, a home loss to the woeful Niners would be a big, ugly period at the end of the following sentence: This team is done.
DALLAS COWBOYS (4-2) AT SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (4-2)
4:05 PM Eastern, FOX, Seahawks favored by 3
The Storyline
This game is a rematch of one of the more memorable Monday Night games in recent memory. That came in last year’s meeting, when the Cowboys battled back from a 10 point deficit with less than 2 minutes remaining in the game to beat the Seahawks 43-39. This year, both of these teams are 4-2, and in first place in their divisions. It’s entirely possible that these teams could meet again this year, in the postseason.
Key Questions
Is Julius Jones going to play this week?
In last year’s game, Orange Julius juiced the Seahawks for 190 yards. Jones missed last week’s game with an ankle injury, and is questionable for this week. He practiced on Wednesday. The Cowboys need him badly. Marion Barber and Anthony Thomas got the bulk of the team’s carries in his absence last week, and they both averaged under 3 yards per.
How did Seahawks safety Ken Hamlin celebrate the team’s big win last Sunday Night?
He went out drinkin! Hamlin went to a Seattle nightspot called Larry’s Nightclub. After leaving the club, he got in a fight with two other men, and he lost. Hamlin was apparently knocked unconscious, and then the beating got worse. The two men reportedly beat his unconscious body with a magnetic street sign. Hamlin suffered a fractured skull and a blood clot near his brain. He is going to pull through, but he’s lucky to be alive.
W
hy was last week’s win over the Giants a costly one for the Cowboys?
It was costly because their Pro Bowl left tackle, Flozell Adams, was lost for the season with a torn ACL. The tentative plan is to replace Adams with Torrin Tucker. Tucker started 13 games for the Cowboys in 2004, but was beaten out by 6th round rookie Rob Pettiti this year.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Last year’s collapse in the final minutes against Dallas was illustrative of what many said about last year’s Seahawks team, that they lacked heart. That doesn’t seem to be a problem with this year’s team. The Seahawks are 16-3 at home in the last 3 seasons, and they’re not going to let the Cowboys win in their house two years in a row.
SEAHAWKS 34, COWBOYS 27
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Cowboys Win-
The Cowboys remain alone top of the NFC East, and should remain there after they beat the Cardinals at home next week.
Cowboys Lose-
A loss knocks the Boys off their precarious perch on top of the division, and into a 4-team scrum for what could be one playoff berth.
Seahawks Win-
The Hawks exorcised one big demon by winning in St. Louis two weeks ago, and they can take care of another one by avenging the awful 04 loss to the Cowboys. At 5-2 they can pretty much put it on cruise control, they will win their second straight NFC West title.
Seahawks Lose-
A loss would hurt, but it won’t seriously damage this team’s prospects. They have a bye next week, then have a stretch of 3 straight division games, and their division ain’t good.
BUFFALO BILLS (3-3) AT OAKLAND RAIDERS (1-4)
4:15 PM Eastern, CBS, No line currently
The Storyline
The Bills offer a ray of hope to the Raiders, because they have rebounded from a bad start and find themselves in first place heading into this game. If the Raiders are to pull a similar turnaround, it is imperative that they start it this week.
Key Questions
Is Randy Moss going to play this week?
You can pretty much take it to the bank that he won’t. He’s listed as doubtful with assorted injuries. His listed injuries are to his ribs, pelvis, and groin. What, did he give birth last week or something? With Moss likely out, Doug Gabriel will start in his place.
Why might this actually be a good thing for the Raiders this week?
Because their offense has been weighted too heavily towards the passing game, and the results haven’t been good. Lamont Jordan put down his box of donuts long enough to complain about not getting the ball enough earlier this week. Against a Bills defense that is giving up over 5 yards a carry this year, Norv Turner might want to listen to him.
Now that the Bills have corrected their QB mistake, are they going to remain on top in the AFC East?
Hold off on that for now. The Bills had a pretty fortuitous schedule coinciding with the anointing of Kelly Holcomb. Beating the Dolphins at home isn’t that great of an accomplishment, and neither is beating Vinny and the Jets in your own house. The Bills have struggled on the road in recent years, this game is going to be a big test.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Bills run defense has been horrid this year, giving up 5.3 yards a carry. Given that fact, it may actually be a good thing that Moss will miss this game, because it will force the Raiders into running the ball more against a team that can’t stop the run.
It’s far from certain that the Raiders can ride their running game to victory, though, only the Eagles have rushed for fewer yards this year. This matchup is almost too close to call. The deciding factor is going to be that this game is being played in Oakland, and the Bills are a bad road team (6-12 on the road since 03 vs. 12-8 at home). The Bills also struggle on grass, winning only 3 of 11 games playing on God’s Astroturf in the last 3 seasons. Based on that, I’ll give the Raiders a slight edge.
RAIDERS 20, BILLS 17
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Bills Win-
It took almost a whole month, but the Bills have fully recovered from the ill advised JP Losman era. They face the Patriots next Sunday Night in a game that could determine who leads the AFC East at the season’s midpoint.
Bills Lose-
3-4 with a game in Foxboro on deck isn’t a very good place to be, but that’s where the Bills will find themselves if they lose this week.
Raiders Win-
Players are playing for their jobs, and coaches are coaching for them too in Oakland right now. A win would be a much needed tourniquet for a team that is hemorrhaging losses right now.
Raiders Lose-
A loss means that any realistic hopes the Raiders had of competing for a playoff spot this year are gone. They’re 1-5 and there are going to be big changes next year.
The Raiders Are Sad
TENNESSEE TITANS (2-4) AT ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-4)
4:15 PM Eastern, CBS, Cardinals favored by 3
The Storyline
These teams aren’t very good, but it shouldn’t stop this from being an exciting game. The Cardinals have the #1 ranked passing game in the league, and are averaging 324 yards per game through the air. They welcome a Titans team that also has a wide open style of offense, and has averaged close to 30 points a game the last two times out.
Key Questions
Who’s going to play QB for Tennessee this week?
That’s likely going to be a game time decision. Steve McNair, aka “Mr. Glass”, missed practice on Wednesday and Thursday, suffering from back and ankle problems. He is listed as questionable for this game. If he can’t go, Billy Volek will start, and Volek showed last year that there is little to no dropoff in performance on the frequent occasions he plays when McNair is hurt.
Who else is hurt for the Titans?
The list is long and distinguished. WR Drew Bennett is going to miss the game, he is recovering from thumb surgery. That leaves Tyrone Calico and rookie Brandon Jones as the Titans’ top wideouts. Bennett and Derrick Mason they ain’t. The defense is also banged up, with 2 starters possibly missing this game. Cornerback Andre Woolfolk is listed as questionable, and linebacker Patrick Sirmon will be a game time decision with an ankle injury.
What’s the big secret in Arizona?
The big secret is who is going to play quarterback for the Cardinals this week. Kurt Warner is healthy and ready to go, but Josh McCown has played really well in replacement of him. Cards coach Dennis Green has said that he has made his decision on who will start, but he’s going to keep it a secret until kickoff on Sunday. He is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a fat man.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Since Josh McCown replaced Kurt Warner at quarterback, the Cardinals have had the most electrifying passing game in the NFL. The Titans, meanwhile, have allowed 13 TD passes this year, and that’s the most in the league.
The Cardinals will keep throwing the ball, and the Titans are going to have to stop them. That’s not something they have shown they can do, and the Cardinals are going to win this game.
CARDINALS 34, TITANS 23
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Titans Win-
A win here would be big for the Titans, and the reason is that their next 2 games are games they can win. Following this, they have a home game against Oakland, and a trip to Cleveland. This game vs. Arizona is arguably the most difficult of their next 3 games, so if they win this one, it’s possible they could get to 5-4 heading into their bye week.
Titans Lose-
If the Titans fall to 2-5, it’s going to be time to start playing for 2006. That means seeing what guys like Volek, Calico, Jones, and Jarrett Payton can do with a the offense placed in their hands.
Cardinals Win-
A win would be nice, but the Cards have 3 road games coming up in the next 4 weeks. That’s bad news for a team that has won only 1 road game in the last 3 seasons.
Cardinals Lose-
The Cards are 1-5 and on their way to probably their most disappointing season ever, and that’s saying a lot. It’ll be 1-6 after a trip to Dallas in Week 8.
DENVER BRONCOS (5-1) AT NY GIANTS (3-2)
4:15 PM Eastern, CBS, Giants favored by 2
The Storyline
This matchup is a good one. Both of these teams are off to good starts. The Giants need a win to keep pace in a tough division, while the Broncos are looking to put more distance between themselves and the rest of the AFC West.
Key Questions
Is Champ Bailey going to be able to play in this game?
Against the Giants, potent passing game, the Broncos could really use their Pro Bowl corner. He has been battling a hamstring injury for about a month now, but he is listed as probable for this game.
Who might be looking across the field at his future self, ala Stan Marsh, this weekend?
There’s a good chance it could be Giants RB Brandon Jacobs, looking across the field at Broncos RB Ron Dayne. Both were big power backs drafted by the Giants to be the Mr. Inside to Tiki Barber’s Mr. Outside. Dayne failed, and was cut. Jacobs fumbled on the goal line, costing the Giants the game last week. He’s headed down the same path.
What record can the Broncos achieve this week?
If the Broncos can get through this game without a turnover, they will break the NFL mark for the longest stretch without committing one. The Broncos haven’t turned it over since Week 2 against the Chargers.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Broncos showed last week that they can use their passing game to beat a team who has a weak secondary. Jake Plummer found Rod Smith and Ashley Lelie on deep patterns against the Patriots’ depleted units, and those plays turned the tide of the game in the Broncos’ favor.
The Giants pass defense ranks 31st in the NFL, and they are going to have to dedicate a lot of resources to containing Tatum Bell, Mike Anderson, and the Broncos 3rd ranked running game. This is going to create opportunities for Smith and Lelie to get open, and Plummer should be able to exploit them. The Giants have won only 2 of 9 games against the AFC in the last 3 years, and they aren’t going to get their 3rd win this week.
BRONCOS 24, GIANTS 20
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Broncos Win-
A lot of people will be calling next week’s game, when the Eagles visit Mile High, a Super Bowl preview.
Broncos Lose-
You won’t hear as much “Super Bowl Preview” talk, and the Eagles game becomes much more critical for a Broncos team trying to avoid a repeat of last year. Last year they started 5-1, just like this year, but they faded down the stretch, finished 10-6, and got bounced easily in the first round of the playoffs.
Giants Win-
The Giants’ loss to the Cowboys last week was a big one. They need this game to avoid falling to 3-3, and behind the rest of their division.
Giants Lose-
Next week’s game at home against Washington becomes a game they have to have to keep their division title hopes alive.
BALTIMORE RAVENS (2-3) AT CHICAGO BEARS (2-3)
4:15 PM Eastern, CBS, Bears favored by 1
The Storyline
Both of these teams are relics of an era where teams espoused the philosophy that said even if your offense sucked horribly, an excellent defense could still take you to the top. The fact that both of these teams come into this game with 2-3 records should tell you how viable that strategy is in 2005.
Key Questions
What’s my favorite condiment?
About a month ago I was introduced to malt vinegar. I don’t know how I ever lived without it.
Is Rex Grossman going to play again this year?
It’s looking more and more like he will. The oft-injured, doughy, Bears QB is recovering nicely from the broken ankle he suffered in preseason, and he’s hoping to being practicing in about two weeks. Given that timetable, it’s possible he could be available to play possibly by Week 13, when the Bears will try to beat the Packers at Soldier Field for the first time since 1993.
Are the Ravens phasing out Jamal Lewis in favor of Chester Taylor?
It would make sense to say that they are. Lewis is a free agent after this season, and he has averaged just 3 yards a carry this year. Taylor has averaged 5.8 yards per carry. Chances are that Jamal is not going to be back with the Ravens next year, so why not see if Taylor can carry the load? If he can, it will save the Ravens some money, and maybe translate to some wins this year.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Ravens are a pretty putrid road team. Since 03 they are 6-12 in away games, versus 15-4 at home in that same time. That said, I wouldn’t want to put my eggs in the basket of a rookie quarterback playing against the Ravens 3rd ranked pass defense, and that’s exactly what the Bears are doing in this one. I just don’t see the Bears being able to generate enough offense to win this game.
RAVENS 16, BEARS 10
Time and Punishment- Looking Ahead
Ravens Win-
Losing is not an option for Baltimore this week. They play at Pittsburgh next week, and the season’s over if they can’t bring this one home. A win puts them at 3-3, and keeps them afloat another week.
Ravens Lose-
The Ravens almost certainly will be 2-5 after the Pittsburgh game if they can’t win this one. That’s going to signal the end of the Brian Billick era in Baltimore, and things could get ugly with this volatile team.
Bears Win-
If the Bears can continue to defend their home field, they’ll have a shot at winning the NFC North. A win sets up at Detroit next week, where they could conceivably put 3 games of distance between them and their closest competition in the division (they could have a 2 game lead in the standings, with 2 wins over the Lions).
Bears Lose-
A loss sets up changes next week’s game at Detroit from a “nice to win” game, to a “have to win” game. The Bears haven’t won in Detroit since 2001, so they don’t want to be in that situation.
The End Zone Could Be Elusive on Sunday
PIMPS UP HOS DOWN
Well that does it for this week! Check back on Monday and we’ll relive all the magical moments from Sunday. Until then, check out :
Patrick, who has a great video of a man running into a soccer goalpost. I’ve watched it 100 times and I am not sick of it.
Todd Rogers lets you know who’s Fantasy Stock is up, and whose is down.
Jay calls me out on my White Sox waffling, which I feel no shame in. Even Ozzie Guillen went so far as to say “We Stink” when I wrote my White Sox Suicide Note. If I was to write about how great they were, at a point when they were so obviously bad, that would put me on the same level as a Cubs fan.
Okay that’s it have a great weekend. GO WHITE SOX.
