ENTRANCE SPIEL:
And we’re back, thus conclusively proving why democracy simply cannot work. In theory. Or something. I’m writing this part of the column first and so the beer has already started to launch a hostile takeover on my brain. It’s the liver and the bladder that deserve the most sympathy though. They’re the ones that feel the pinch of this bidding war, so I think it’s fair to say that George Bush doesn’t care about Crab People.
Anyway… excuse me while I try to act sober here… the most important thing in all of this is that this weekend sees the biggest TNA PPV of the year. In all actuality, it’s pretty much the most important monthly PPV that they have ever done since they have never had such a good opportunity to win some new fans with their product and, really, with Styles/Daniels and Joe/Liger on the card they’re certainly doing a good job with it. Well, except for the rather less enticing Jarrett/Nash match… the full preview’s down below.
Plus, there’s all the rest of the news, as subdued as it has been. Something about a TNA primetime special on Spike TV, Gail Kim posing nude, a WWE board game, someone getting arrested and people being punished for wearing the wrong clothes, as I recall.
Anyway, some e-mails.
First up, a couple of brave souls attempted to answer my query last week about why the hell John Cena is so popular…
“To find the answer to the question of why the audience finds John Cena entertaining, we must look at Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. The way I understand the theory (and I’m far from an expert) is that the speed of an object in motion can only be measured in relation to another object. For example, I am currently sitting at my desk writing this letter on my computer. If you ignore things like my fingers moving to type, breathing, etc., I do not appear to be moving relative to the room I’m sitting in. But in reality, I, along with everyone else on the planet, am travelling over a thousand miles per hour relative to the Earth’s axis due to the Earth’s rotation, thousands of miles per hour relative to the sun due to the Earth’s orbit, the whole solar system is moving even faster around the center of the Milky Way galaxy, etc. But since we can’t see or feel those types of motion, we say that if someone is sitting down, that person is not moving.”
Yes, but that’s assuming that there actually is an Earth or a reality to relate to or a sun to revolve around or a solar system to be a part of or a motion to see or feel that we can’t actually see or feel… Well, there are ways of feeling it at least, possibly seeing it too but I didn’t… Anyway, f*ck it, it all boils down to what you can bring yourself to believe in, I suppose. Personally, I wouldn’t believe a f*cking word of it. I’m rapidly forgetting what ‘it’ actually is, but I’m confident that it wasn’t worth the time of day anyway. If you think this is bad, you should have been around for my tirade about how light doesn’t exist.
“What the hell does this have to do with John Cena? Well, in the 80’s, we (by “we” I mean wrestling fans in general) enjoyed Hulk Hogan because we were young and wrestling was new to us. In reality, it was not Hogan we loved, it was wrestling. We grew tired of Hogan by the 90’s and cheered for the Undertaker and Sid because they were fresh and interesting relative to the stale old Hogan. In other words, Undertaker and Sid sucked, but at least they weren’t Hogan. We cheered Bret Hart because he was the anti-Hogan: a guy who could perform more than three moves and didn’t say “brother” an average of 15 times per interview. We still watched through the mid 90’s because it was better than recycled Hulkamania in WCW. When Nitro began, we switched to it because the NWO and Cruiserweights were new and interesting when compared to Raw. When Austin vs. McMahon started, we went back to Raw because it was fresh and new and it made WCW look old and stale. We hated Rocky Maivia because he was just another generic babyface getting a push. When he became The Rock, we loved him because he was so much better compared to before. When the Invasion happened, we thought it sucked because the actual outcome paled in comparison to the way we thought it should or could have gone. Now that there’s no WCW, Raw looks bad all the time because we can’t say, “at least it was better than Nitro.” The same type of comparison still goes on with the brand split. Ironically, the split was supposed to keep the spirit of competition alive to bring out the best in both. But since both shows are part of the same company, there’s really no competition going on, they’re not trying to outdo one another, and they’ve become extremely stale.”
I still love Sid. Not this Sid, but our beloved master and ruler of the world…
Can I keep it, maw?!
“The point is, the only way we can rate wrestlers, feuds, storylines, etc. is by comparing them to other ones from the past or present.”
Well, sure, if you think of it that way. It’s still perfectly possible to just say “I like this” or “I don’t like this” without bothering to overcomplicate things by… ugh… thinking like we unfortunately tend to do. It’s the first step on the cliff to insanity, you know. Luckily I found salvation in the temporary solution of the bottle! Bonus!
“Which brings me to Cena. The reason he gets cheered so much is because although we know his “raps” are lame, they’re much better than a 15 minute HHH interview. HHH’s interviews really aren’t that bad, but we’ve been hearing them for most of the past five years, so they’re stale. Austin and Hogan get pops, but that’s because they only show up occasionally (and go over the rest of the locker room), so they seem like something special. If they were back full time, we’d be sick of them again. If the Rock’s acting career never took off, and he kept wrestling full time, we’d be tired of him unless he was able to reinvent himself.”
I wouldn’t say that his raps are actually better than a lengthy Triple H diatribe against everything that isn’t him. He’s beginning to remind me of Grandpa Simpson, actually. I keep expecting to start reminiscing about the good old days and calling for President Nixon to stay in office. Cena’s raps are different and there’s nobody else in WWE doing anything like them at the moment. That’s not saying very much, though. There’s nobody else in WWE trying to build a career out of a haircut either, but it still doesn’t make Carlito particularly interesting.
“The only person who’s been able to do pretty much the same gimmick and never become stale is Ric Flair. That’s because he’s God.”
No, but he’s close. God is Optimus Prime. Flair would be… I dunno, the serpent in the Garden of Eden or something.
“Anyway, if Cena keeps doing his same gimmick a few years from now, he’ll be the most hated guy in WWE, hands down. We might even be hoping Hogan and his plastic hip would come back and shut Cena up. But for now, he seems awesome when compared to, say, Chris Masters. That’s the theory of relativity in the world of wrestling.”
The stuff that clogged up my toilet seems awesome when compared to Chris Masters, and the hairy plumber with the suspicious odour that came to fix it would make for a better WWE Champion than John Cena.
“I think Vince knows this, hence the brand split and current state of the WWE. Even a mediocre guy like Cena looks great considering the piles of crap he’s surrounded by. And if someone good does emerge on his own (Christian), Vince does whatever he can to bury him and push useless guys (Masters) with horrible gimmicks (Rob Conway). I swear, he’s trying to bring the standard down so low so nobody has to work very hard.”
Vince knows nothing. Seriously, he doesn’t have a f*cking clue and hasn’t had one for at least one decade, possibly two. Pretty much all of the good ideas come from other people – Heyman, Shane, Russo, Austin, Foley, Bischoff etc. The business side of things seems to be largely kept out of his hands by Linda. He just kind of yells at people and spreads false enthusiasm to try and keep things ticking over until things get a bit better.
“Let’s hope TNA ends up amounting to something.”
Indeed. Thank you, Rob Dow.
Next…
“He never raps anymore. I hate John Cena and his raps, and I hate the people who cheer for him for liking them. However, at least before he became champion he did his stupid raps regularly, and I could say, “They like him because they like his stupid raps.” This made me angry, but then he stopped rapping, and his matches got worse and worse, and people still liked him. This made me even more angry. In summation, I am less frustrated by idiots liking a rapper who raps than idiots liking a rapper who doesn’t.”
So says BlessedBadger, he of the strangely amusing name. Again, liking something because it’s not quite as bad as it usually is does not bode well for someone who just so happens to be the WWE Champion and the lynchpin for the company’s hopes for the future.
Next…
“I thought that Transformer that turned into a tape deck was the coolest.
On Matt Hardy you said:
“Well, not if the Grammar Demon sends his squadron of telepathically trained killer monkeys after you first.”
Shortly after, you commented about DAVE and Eddie:
“Thankfully, him and Eddie Guerrero are doing a lot better with one another.”
You’d better look out for those monkeys yourself.”
Frank Baldwin points out my moronic bad side anti-smart. Me can sometimes drink magic juice brain no like that, but so? Brain no like me, I no like brain. I had made my choose and stand buy it. Monkeys come soon. Brain help monkeys. Monkeys like brain yum yum banana.
The Transformer in question was the Decepticon communications officer Soundwave. There was an Autobot counterpart named Blaster who also turned into a tape-deck but he was a complete cock. Speaking of which, Soundwave may have had a cool look but he was quite clearly a closet homosexual who fancied the pants off of Megatron. Not to mention the fact that he used to have at least four other Decepticons inside him at any one time.
Next…
“I have a serious question about what they are going to do with Nick Dinsmore. Isn’t the fact that he’s been playing the Eugene character too long, killing the chances of him having a serious career in the WWE? From what I remembered reading in the forums and columns about Dinsmore’s “pre-Eugene” days, he was quite talented. Wasn’t the guy OVW Heavyweight Champion several times? Why in the world are they wasting talent like his?!”
Ronald Savoy asks the question that we’re all thinking. To solve it, we have to understand that there are two distinctly different ways of seeing wrestling – the fan’s way and the idiot’s way. The former puts the emphasis on sports; the latter puts the emphasis on entertainment. Unfortunately, since they are idiots the entertainment tends to usually be nothing more than a misleading term and, since we are but mere fans, our opinion does not count and will be gradually beaten out of any of us that attempt to change things from within. That is the truth.
Anymore e-mails, send them on over.
Now, onto other things…
Like Michaela Strachan!
The show your telly was made for
NWA-TNA BOUND FOR GLORY 2005: PREVIEW
X Division Championship Iron Man Match:
CHRISTOPHER DANIELS vs. A.J. STYLES
Yes, please. Wash it all away… all the pain of the Masterlock Challenge… all the heartbreak of the grounded Cruiserweight Division… all the suffering of the McMahon family reunion and the faded copy of the Stone Cold nostalgia trip… it’s 2005 and not 1998 and somebody has to free us from the straightjacket of the patented Main Event Style. That’s too big of a job for one man to handle alone though, so now we have two. Well, three if you include Samoa Joe, but we’ll get to him in a minute. For now, let’s just bask in the anticipation of Styles and Daniels stealing one more show, for old time’s sake. Hopefully the powers-that-be will see the same sense they saw at Unbreakable and allow the X Division to take the main event slot once again because nobody is going to be able to top this, no matter how many titles they may have won in WWE, and the audience should be allowed to go home with nothing but happy memories of getting to watch two of the finest wrestlers in the world today shining up another golden treat with every athletic fibre of their being. I’m going to have to stop myself from shooting up on hyperbole here but, f*ck it; they deserve as much praise as we mere humans can give them. When we did the Top 50 one of the few bones of contention was just how highly we ranked Styles considering that “he’s not a speaker” and, according to Batista, he has “car wreck matches… doing his stunts.” Unfortunately for the dissenters, they have yet to realise that speaking and having a personality are not always one and the same. Someone like Edge can ramble on and on all he likes but even if he had a gun to my face I would still find him as threatening as a damp towel. Someone like Samoa Joe doesn’t need to say one word to make you want to run away and hide in a bathroom and do urgent bathroom things. Styles doesn’t have the same threatening presence as Joe does, but he does have a silent, sneering way to him that makes it blatantly clear that we are living in his phenomenal world because he just cannot accept our inferior one. As for those people who just cannot grasp the beauty of the X Division… yes, well, some people like Adam West and some people like Christian Bale but I would hope that they can still put their differences aside to mock those who like Val Kilmer. Face it, in a decade’s time we are still going to be looking back on the finest that wrestling has had to offer us and when we do we are going to mention Styles/Daniels in the same breath as Flair/Steamboat and Austin/Hart as a fine example of everything that we love about this crazy-ass addiction of ours. Its thirty minutes of bliss that cannot be bettered without the involvement of nudity, women or Homer Simpson. Bring it on.
NWA World Heavyweight Title Match (Special Guest Referee – Tito Ortiz):
JEFF JARRETT vs. KEVIN NASH
I am sure that I don’t have to point out the faults with this title program… well, title ‘match’ at any rate, they haven’t exactly had enough interaction for it to count as an actual ‘program’. It didn’t set the world alight when they tried the exact same thing – right down to the involvement of Ortiz – a few months ago. It didn’t do a damn thing for anybody when Jarrett and Nash were the top dogs ruling over a terminal WCW a few years ago. It can’t possibly have any positive outcomes in the here and now but… still… it’s unlikely to have any significant negative outcomes either. Plus, it doesn’t involve John Cena. Okay, so that’s a given for any match that takes place in TNA or Smackdown but it’s still worth mentioning, I feel. Besides, when it comes down to watching bad wrestlers with supposedly cool personalities being involved in title matches, I would pick Nash over Cena any day of the week and twice on Sundays. For one, Big Kev actually does have a cool personality as opposed to Cena, whose feeble attempts to convince us otherwise are akin to a spoiled brat trying to whinge his mother into buying him something shiny from Toys R Us. Plus, his limited in-ring action combines the comedy value of The Undertaker’s Surly non-participation with the anticipation of the next random injury occurring, as was perfected by Scott Steiner during his WWE tenure. All in all, he’s reasonably entertaining for all the wrong reasons – as opposed to Cena, who is still not even sure what the reasons are. Plus, I am curious to see if Jarrett can make this into at least an average contest. Jarrett is quite possibly the most under-rated wrestler going today. People have a strange tendency to just automatically criticise the guy because of his backstage politics, business deals, booking decisions and the awful memories of what he and Vince Russo conjured up in WCW. I’ll give them the Russo one but let’s face it – Jarrett went out there, put his balls on the line, launched an alternative wrestling promotion in utter defiance of the McMahons, and he is actually making it work. He’s doing what we all like to kid ourselves we could do. Yes, the booking is infuriatingly Jarrett-centric but, hey, that’s wrestling. Yes, the company’s flagship PPV should not feature Jarrett/Nash as their World Title match but if there was any long-term booking plan then it was rashly scrapped as soon as the ink dried on the Spike TV deal. Yes, it could be better… but it’s not. Don’t let that fool you into thinking that Jarrett is not still a good wrestler though. He has proven himself many times to be perfectly serviceable against lesser opponents and capable of great things when facing better opponents, much like his old Nitro counterpart Booker T. This match will be okay, provided you can handle the screaming while Don West tries to establish Nash and Ortiz as legitimate threats. The real intrigue does of course lie in the Raven storyline, which surely needs to be progressed at some point during this match to build up to a more genuine challenge at a later PPV.
Ultimate X #1 Contender’s Match:
MATT BENTLEY vs. CHRIS SABIN vs. PETEY WILLIAMS
Is it wrong to feel so utterly apathetic about such an exciting and dangerous match? I couldn’t bring myself to give a crap about Bentley if my life depended on it… Sabin is undeniably good and Williams is even better, but the latter really needs to finally ditch Team Canada to regain my interest and the former has done nothing truly memorable lately to merit a potential title shot. So, bring on the bumps and I’ll try not to feel so guilty for being so blasé about them all.
Monster’s Ball 2:
ABYSS vs. SABU vs. RHINO vs. JEFF HARDY
Right… what? If you want to do an “anything goes” match then just do it already, don’t try and dress it up with this crap about being locked in the dark without food or water for 24 hours beforehand. Christ, if they did that then Hardy would cry himself out a poem, Rhino would start eating his own thighs and Sabu wouldn’t even notice. Abyss, being Abyss, is easier to picture in such a cartoony scenario. He can get away with it much like The Undertaker can still get away with vanishing from inside a burning casket and Batman can get away with breathing on the moon (see IDENTITY CRISIS #1). However, Batman has plenty of garish opponents in his rogue’s gallery and Taker’s antics have long since crossed over from “weird” to “expected.” The only person that can go head-to-head with the hardcore styling of Abyss and make his more far-fetched antics is Raven but he can’t do it all the time. If they can’t find another big man on the underground scene who could be a credible opponent for Abyss under a mask and strange back-story then they may as well just take the comedic route with him, as they did with that funeral parlour skit. Go read SHE-HULK and check out Awesome Andy. You’ll see what I mean…
“Shut Up And Watch, Bitch” Match:
SAMOA JOE vs. JUSHIN LIGER
Joe deserves all of the praises bestowed upon Styles and Daniels up above. I still can’t bring myself to delete their three-way match from Unbreakable. It’s still there on the hard drive, preserved in its perfection in a folder marked “Open In Case Of Emergency” so that when things get even worse in WWE in the coming months, as they surely will, I can just delve back into the righteous glory of that bout. Hell, it’d be worth keeping for the “Stop kicking me!!!” part alone, never mind the actual match. Anyway, here we are again and Joe gets to show what he can do against a real Legend. Oh yes, Liger deserves the capital L status. Fuck the clown. I haven’t actually seen any new Liger matches since about 1995 or so and have absolutely no idea if he’s still capable of great things in the ring or if this is going to be as disappointing as The Great Muta’s final appearances in WCW. Then again, Muta was going up against Vampiro and not Joe, who would have to really go out of his way to let down those of us expecting great things from his matches. Let’s be having greatness, guys. Oh, and if TNA could somehow persuade Liger to work on the Spike TV Thursday special next month against Daniels then I would literally piss myself with glee.
“Three Men And A Baby” Match:
SONJAY DUTT vs. AUSTIN ARIES vs. ALEX SHELLEY vs. RODERICK STRONG
Okay, Williams and Strong provide the exceptions to the rule but the competitors in this match are far more worthy of being given an X Title match than the competitors in Ultimate X. Of course, Aries is a relative newcomer to TNA and Shelley hasn’t exactly competed there for a while either. They’ll get their brushes with the championship at some point in the future. Dutt, however, really should be getting a bigger push at the moment. Judging by the various reports, TNA has built a rather nice following in India and they have, quite rightly, taken Dutt as one of their own. I’m not saying he should automatically leap ahead of Styles and Joe in the rankings, and we’re certainly well past the point when teaming him with Sabu would be anything less than a hindrance, but I’d certainly like to think that there is something a bit more substantial coming Dutt’s way before too long. At any rate, this match should make for a cracking opener.
“He’s Not Ahmed, He’s Not Test” Match:
MONTY BROWN vs. LANCE HOYT
Two TNA’s most popular power wrestlers faced off against one another with substantially less popular/charismatic/interesting/talented partners in a tag team match at the last PPV. This time around, they just go at it in a singles match. It’s certainly an unorthodox way of booking the two of them, especially since Monty’s heel credentials have effectively been reset to face status for no particular reason other than they could get away with it. This should lead to a very hot, if technically basic, match for the fans but it also has the rather tricky problem of deciding who wins and who loses. Well, it’s tricky if you’re a wrestling booker who likes to overcomplicate things, I suppose… and if they really are intent on becoming WWE then the loser will just win a rematch on the next edition of Impact anyway… but, let’s face it, Monty should win this one. If anybody can live up to the name of this PPV then it’s not Nash or Raven or even Styles… its Monty. He got a raw deal this past year but since TNA is basically treating the dawning of the Spike Era as a clean slate, it shouldn’t stop him from winning the big one at some point within the next year… the next six months… the next month? Who knows? If it means sacrificing guys like Hoyt then, well, so be it. He’s more of a cult figure than a genuine contender anyway.
“Six Degrees Of Interest Separation” Match:
DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH vs. APOLLO/SONNY SIAKI/SHARK BOY
Yeah, um, that’s… well, that’s surely something. Let us all pray to Urinaryan, the pagan God of Bladders, that the good men and women of Total Non-stop Action wrestling can see the light and schedule this match at a suitable point in the evening’s festivities that will allow people to relieve themselves at an appropriate time and in an appropriate place without hurting themselves. Save us, Urinaryan! Unclog our pipes and wipe away our stains!
TOP 5 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO:
1. Cure arthritis
2. Tell… someone… something…
3. Trish Stratus
4. Draw
5. Fly
ANTI-NEWS:
“Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
As you are hopefully all aware by now, Spike TV recently announced that they would be having a two-hour TNA PRIME TIME SPECIAL on Thursday 3rd November at 9pm. This is because Impact is apparently surpassing their ratings expectations by drawing in a steady minimum of 0.8 on their 11pm Saturday night time slot. This is, in case you were somehow not quite sure, what we like to call A Good Thing. Match details will no doubt come out after Big Friendly Giant is over. All that has emerged so far is that there will be a “strong” Samoa Joe match in addition to the World and X titles being defended.
***
“So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.”
GAIL KIM took time out from her busy schedule of not wrestling to be interviewed by Audio Wrestling. First and most obvious question was the one about the nude photos from a while ago (such as this). She stands up for them as it was a ‘first-rate production’ and that some people might have gotten the wrong idea about them because they were foreign photos and not the typical Playboy/Diva stuff. Well… you’re either nude or you’re not and you’re either letting someone else make money from your nudity or you’re not… I’m not really sure where the confusion could possibly be. Other than that, there’s nothing particularly interesting. Molly Holly is very nice, Matt Hardy and Edge and Lita are in poor taste, yadda, yadda, yadda… Shut up and get in a match already.
***
“Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other medical films as ‘Mommy, What’s On That Man’s Face?’ and ‘Alice Doesn’t Live Anymore.'”
Plans are afoot for a WWE DVD BOARD GAME. Actually, the plans have come to fruition already because the game is already out. I seen it in Toys R Us a couple of days ago and it looks just as crap as you would imagine it being. Don’t ask me what I was doing in Toys R Us because I’m not really sure. I just remember we were very angry that some little shit-stained wastes of DNA, I mean, adorable wee darlings were playing the Burnout 4 game on the PS2 stand. Then I just got started on a little rant about the inherent flaws in a society that wouldn’t tolerate somebody physically besting a child in the name of a video game. I mean, really. It’s not too much to ask is it? After all, it’s about time I became an exception to another rule. I’m not trying to provoke utter rebellion here. We still deserve our bananas. But our children do not deserve our entertainment. That’s our time and, besides, they’re not my children so I’m damn sure not going to suffer for their sins in silence. To the battlements!!!!
***
“As punishment for your desertion, it’s company policy to give you the plague.”
KID KASH was the first prominent casualty of the notorious WWE dress code after some agents seen him at an airport wearing jeans and a T-shirt at 5am. This led to him being dropped from planned Cruiserweight Title matches against Juventud Guerrera at the weekend house shows and replaced by Nunzio. Even worse, he has been sent back down to the Deep South Wrestling developmental territory after making his Smackdown brand debut just last week. And they say romance is dead… In further dress code related hijinks, it emerged that John Cena, Mick Foley, Kane and The Undertaker are exempt from it on the grounds that it might ‘damage their characters’ should they be seen in a suit and tie. Okay, well, Foley doesn’t even have to be a part of the show anymore so it doesn’t really matter what he wears to travel in and ditto for Austin, who is no doubt exempt from this rule too. But if they want to go all the way with this then, hell, let’s go all the way with it. Cena can continue to dress like a baggy ponce. Kane has to start a fire before entering a room (or at the very least yell BOOM really loudly to get the desired effect). The Undertaker must refuse to do anything, ever (including paying for purchases, going to the bathroom, and sleeping). They shouldn’t stop there either. Edge must be seen with a briefcase in his hands at all times. Nick Dinsmore must die and Eugene must live. The Mexicools must trade in their cars for their lawnmowers. Christian must be ignored at all times. Chavo Guerrero must go to great lengths to point out how inadequate all non-white people are. After all, if they don’t do these things and more then how will our poor simpleton brains ever be able to determine what is fiction and what is fact? I mean, look at Tom Cruise for crying out loud!
***
“You can’t let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.”
CHRIS KANYON was arrested in Florida a few days ago for disorderly conduct and obstructing an officer. This happened shortly after it had been revealed he had been diagnosed with manic depression. It was only last week when I was writing about Bam Bam Bigelow being in a serious motorbike accident. Then there was the former Hardbody Harrison getting charged with running a prostitution ring recently. If only the madness could stop for once. Let there be love, at least during an intermission from the continuing adventures of the madness. Come on Kanyon, you can get through this. Hell, if I can do it then anybody can. Hell, there would be a job in TNA opened up for you yesterday if you wanted it.
***
“What are you two laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I’ll know you’re lying!”
JIM ROSS made it through his colon surgery and is doing well, according to his wife Jan:
“Yesterday and today have been a little tough, but we are very happy with how the surgery went. He is in great hands and is being taken care of.”
There’s not a lot to say about this other than it is another example of A Good Thing. Let’s just hope that if Austin goes to visit him in the hospital he doesn’t snap and start having Attitude flashbacks to certain hospital scenes involving him, Vince McMahon, and the inserting of objects into body parts…
***
“I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman!”
JESSE VENTURA is apparently in discussion with NBC about getting his own sitcom. Well, that’s what the internet told me anyway and he has proven time and time again to be a reliable source. That’s how I know that Pearl Jam were responsible for Michael Moore being allowed to eat and that Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon to take a dump in his suit. The plumbing was backed up in the TV studio that day, you see, and he really had to go. He had just drunk a pitcher of espresso coffee in preparation for his all-night poker game with the illegitimate Dutch offspring of a raging homosexual Nazi officer who had mistakenly tickled the front-bottom of a rather attractive butch lesbian at a wedding reception. Many people blamed Vince Vaughan for this error in judgment but only those with the ability to… see… through… time dot, dot, dot. If you’re not like that, well, you’ll just have to make do with prank phone calls instead. After all, if we don’t have the capability to make a prank phone call in the proud tradition and fighting spirit of our fore-fathers then what are we? What are we? We’re homeless, that’s what we are. Homeless and broken in Minnesota. And who will you turn to then? Superman? He doesn’t care; he’s too busy believing in things like young boys. Pearl Jam? They don’t care, they only want you to try and sex them up on the inside, real good, yeah, there, yeah, faster, yeah, yeah, yeah… No, after all that, you will be left alone in this life unless you turn to Jesse Ventura for guidance. So if, after all of that, you want to channel the spirit of the treacherous Predator and try to deny him his dreams then you better pull down your trousers and just accept your fate lest you ruin a perfectly good pair of trousers. Let the old man sit on the sidewalk outside the ice cream parlour, ranting and raving at that billboard with an NBC logo on it. It makes him happy and outside of tomato soup, nothing else can these days. Not even bosoms. And you know how those wrestlers like their bosoms! Hit me baby, one more time, it’s Chinatown and you can’t handle the truth because “I broke the dam.”
***
TABOO TUESDAY continues to astonish and amaze in its ability to not interest me. Now, according to some radio interview Mick Foley did this past week, people are going to be able to vote for whether or not he wrestles Carlito under the guise of Mankind, Dude Love or Cactus Jack. That’s very considerate of them, offering up three alternative ways of doing the exact same boring match – only with the important distinction of a sock, bad dancing, or B-52 impressions. Well, they’ve certainly convinced me to give them my money now. Additionally, it is expected that the two losers in the vote for the WWE Championship Triple Threat will compete in another match – either against each other, presumably for a title shot, or teaming up to take on the Tag Team Champions. The chance to see Kane and The Big Show work alongside one another would undoubtedly excite me were I five years old. It’s a bit too late for that though, and so my apathy remains undefeated on Raw. Well, undefeated in singles matches on Raw. Well, unpinned on Raw. Maybe. Whatever, shut up.
TOP 5 ENEMIES OF MINE:
1. Time
2. Boredom
3. Science
4. Politick
5. Religion
EXIT SPIEL:
– IAIN BURNSIDE reviews the latest edition of JLA. He will probably also stop talking about himself in the third person long enough to review the new editions of Superman and Batman in the coming week. Or maybe he won’t, whatever…
– WWE RANKINGS are up, thanks in large part to the hairy-lipped wonder that is Matthew Michael. For the first time since we started doing these things, we haven’t had to invent tag teams for the Smackdown side of things! Progression! Wow!
– What wrestling promotion do you belong in? Apparently, I should be heading for ROH…
– GRAHAM HANCOCK wrote a book that you should all read, despite his unintentionally humorous name…
– JEREMY LAMBERT wants Kevin Nash to win… yeah, you heard me…
– JED SHAFFER reviews some book for wrestling or something…
– GORDI WHITELAW kicks people in the face, or at the very least contemplates it. And really, at the end of the day, isn’t that what we’re all thinking? Who can I kick in the face? I know that’s what I’m thinking… although mine would involve just throwing the shoe rather than kicking with it. It would distract them long enough to allow a swift barefoot kick to the groin, thus ruining their two favourite areas – the face and the groin – and leaving me mightily amused and relatively sweat-free. I think too much sometimes.
– PHIL CLARK wants respect for Carlito like I want ring-side tickets for WrestleMania, but we’re both just shit out of luck, right?
– DAVID BRASHEAR remembers the Jung Dragons… oh, happy days…
AIM: KingKongBurnside
Iain Burnside is currently not talking about himself in the third person…
