Ugly Ain’t a Thang
I was reading an interview with Jermaine Dupri recently. In it, he was doing his usual song and dance about not receiving the props he deserves. He feels as if he is slighted by not being mentioned along with Dr. Dre and Diddy when people name the best hip-hoppity producers that the world has known.
Having a resume that includes multi-platinum albums from Mariah Carey, Usher, Jagged Edge, Bow Wow, and many more, the lil’ fella does have a reason to beef. He feels that the reason he gets snubbed is because people pay less attention to R&B production. Others say that its because he did far too much work with kiddie acts, i.e, KrissKross and Lil’ Bow Wow.
I however offer a different argument.
He’s not taken seriously, nor will he ever be…why?
Because he’s a grown man who looks like a twelve year old.
Look at him, doesn’t he look like he just showed up to take your daughter to the prom? He’s like 40, and that’s creepy.
Ugly Ain’t a Thang Part Two: Ugly Walks
Have you ever heard of RhymeFest?
I thought not.
Here’s a quick introduction, courtesy of his bio…
Fresh off his 2005 Grammy win for co-writing the rap song of the year “Jesus Walks” with Kanye West, Chicago native Rhymefest is set to release his highly-anticipated debut album Blue Collar Poppin on Allido Records/J Records. The sharp-witted MC is expected to have fellow Chi-town representatives Kanye, Twista, Common and Carl Thomas as well as Q-Tip and the late Dirt McGirt (aka ODB) featured on his album. Despite the great guest appearances, it’s Rhymefest’s sharp wit and lethal sense of humor that sets him apart and carries this opus driven album from track to track.
An underground and mixtape mainstay, Rhymefest can currently be heard on Mark Ronson’s Presents Rhymefest in A Star is Born, which features “exclusive freestyle battles” by 50 Cent vs. Ghostface and Nelly vs. KRS-One, all remarkably impersonated by Rhymefest. Other standout tracks on the A Star is Born include “Some of These Days,” “Dirty Dirty (Remix)” featuring Dirt McGirt and “Chi-Town,” an ode to Chicago featuring Kanye and Twista.
Rhymefest’s foray into hip-hop began as a battle MC in Chicago, which led him to traverse the world winning battles against such notables as Eminem, Juice, Swann and many more. With an impressive discography of guest appearances, singles and mixtapes, Rhymefest has been honing his craft for years and is poised to be the artist to watch out for in 2005.
Important points are Jesus Walks, J Records, Chicago, and won hella battles. He even beat yours truly in a battle in ’95, but nobody remembers that but me and my homies. One of those homies said something about ‘Fest recently that never occurred to me before. In a single comment, my homie not only doomed ‘Fest to a B-list career but gave an explanation as to why one of the single greatest emcees in Chicago history may never get any shine. The statement?…
…You know Rhymefest’ll never get on, right? He’s too ugly…
Until that point, I’d never really considered looks as a hindrance to his success, but the next time I saw a picture of him it was clear as day…
Yep, clear as day…and ugly as sin.
Ugly Ain’t a Thang Part Three: Ugly In Da Club!
Wanna see something funny?…
Keep that chin up ‘Fest. If this guy can make it anybody can…
…like a god-damned sea horse…
In fact, as a service to ugly un-beautiful entertainers…let’s make a list of the gnarliest folks who’ve “made it” in the industry!
Ugly Ain’t a Thang Part Four: World’s Ugliest Colored Entertainers
This is a public service to all the little ill-favored boys and girls in the world who spend hours in the bathroom with a pumice stone trying to scrub the ugly away.
You too can be a star!
Just ask this guy…
Craig Mack
Yes folks, donkey-ass ugly and had the nerve to name himself Mack
Or this stud…
Cash Money’s Baby
Let us all pray that our babies won’t have to wear diamonds to compensate for their genes.
You could even make a career out of being ugly, like this hunk…
Biz Markie
The ugliest rapper and DJ stuffed into one body.
And finally, to prove that homely cuts across all genres of black music…
The man who paved the way for all ugly that was to come…
James Brown
…the Godfather of Unsightly…
This sour column has been brought to you by a general sense of angst and self-loathing. Hit up my Myspace page and make me feel better…
OpenMikeEagle
Out.
