Here to babble…
Guess who’s back…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Yes yes yes.. we are back. Thank you all for understanding. Later I’m going to show you all of the hatemail I got for not having a Rabble last week…. so here are our Rabbleteers.
Has been heffed up on Percocet since Monday… ERIC!
Has been crying on my answering machine since Monday… HERNANDEZ!
Has been out at the store buying tissues for Hernandez.. JENNA!
Has been wondering why I still WATCHED wrestling last week.. DANI!
Probably will be arriving soon: Bill and Michael!
So to start, a quick set-up for Taboo Tuesday… go check out the main page for a full match list.
Hey! Kane’s back! SO ARE WE!
And here comes Shaawwwwwwwwwwwwwn Michaels! He apparently has the looks that drive a girl wild! He is in fact dressed to wrestle. His opponent is, the Big Show! He’s a Big Bad Show All Night Lonng. And Hey! It’s Kane!
I guess it’s a 3 way..
“It’s a curtain jerkin debate facedown!” – Hernandez
SHOW vs. MICHAELS vs. KANE
Kane wins? HBK wins? Either way.. Show doesn’t..
So it starts with the other two going after the Big Show.
“This is the end of the show already?” – Hernandez
Show starts taking down Kane, and Michaels tries to stop Show, but headbutts say no. Both men try to get some up on each other, but the fact is that Show keeps getting it over on them.. until finally as Show is going for Kane, Michaels clips his leg.
Both men roll Show out and now Kane is on top of the game going after Michaels. An elbow drop. Kane hits the ropes, gets his leg caught by Kane and pulled out. In comes Show. Press slam to Michaels… he walks to the ropes.. drops him to the outside to Kane.. AND KANE DOES NOT CATCH HIM!
OUCH!
“That was Owen-tastic! Blazerific!” – Me
Dead men outside the ring… that means..
COMMERCIAL
We come back with Kane in the ring with Big Show, who is bleeding down his nose. Big Show sends Kane to the corner… charges and eats boot. Shawn finally stumbles in and gets a boot from Kane – and again gets tossed out. Kane gets the upperhand on Big Show now, charging in and leaping up for the 10 hits to the head.
Show pushes Kane out and as Show walks in, eats a side suplex! Kane runs up to the top turnbuckle, Shawn comes up – eats a fist to the face (sending him to the outside again) – Big Show charges in, and a SUPERPLEX from Show to Kane! OWWIE OWWIE!
Both men are totally out as Shawn comes in.. the flying elbow to Show…
J E S U S *WHACK!*
The kick to Show…
“Is that the Big Show Stopper? Write that down.. that’s comedy gold…” – Bill
“We’ve all thought it before.” – Eric
“Never, I have scruples..” – Me
TWO COUNT! Kane shortline clotheslines Michaels and then heads outside and tosses four or five chairs into the ring.. as the ref is distracted – Show walks over to the ring ropes and eats one of those chairs.
Kane climbs to the top. Goes to leap.. Shawn goes for the superkick out of nowhere.. but both miss. Show gets up, he eats a superkick.
Shawn pins Show. 1 – 2 – 3 !
WINNER: Shawn Michaels
COMMERCIAL – HARRY POTTER TRAILER!!!!!
So Coach and Lawler sit and talk – going for a fan poll and apparently the people who are in the audience (who can’t actually HEAR the commentary) don’t like Coach either.
We get a flash from Stone Cold embarrassing Coach. And now Lawler tells us the choices for Coach’s match versus Stone Cold:
A Verbal Debate
An Arm Wrestling Match !OR!
“A Japanese Death Match!?” – Me
“Barbed Wire match” – Eric
A Street Fight
“Wow, that makes for an unfair match.” – Hernandez
Coach is through with being laughed at.. he’s going to the ring…
“To be laughed at there..” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Hey, we’re back… Coach is calling out Stone Cold. He calls him out…. anddddddd CRASH.. hey there we go! Here comes the truck!
Annnnnd outcomes Stephanie McMahon.
“I was wondered why there were tinted windows..” – Hernandez
“Titted windows?” – Me
“TINTED!” – Hernandez
Stephanie explains that Stone Cold will NOT be here tonight.
“…boohoo….boohoo….” – Dani
Coach calls out Stone Cold for next week. Stephanie congratulates Coach on being the new voice of Raw. The crowd chants slut and Steph mocks them for not being more creative.
“..BIG f*ckin’ slut.. BIG f*ckin slut” – Me as the crowd
She explains the rules of their Taboo Tuesday match, and how Coach will be doing her a service..
“..Um?” – Me
…if Coach beats Stone Cold.
“Oh.” – Me
Hey.. here comes Mick Foley! Claiming that Stephanie is full of crap. Steph makes a colon joke. He then references the McMahon Helmsley era, how horrible of a life they made for him.
“CONTINUITY!??!” – Me
Foley then discusses how it upsets him that Steph and the McMahon family are destroying the business he loves. So, without Steph’s family.. we wouldn’t HAVE that business. So she then introduces Carlito, who spits in the face of those who are not cool.. in case you didn’t know.
As Carlito stumbles into the ring, Steph lowblows him.
“He’s beating the hell out of beloved children’s book author, Mankind.” – Bill
Carlito eats an apple… spits it… same schtick.
“Mick Foley who hurts himself more when he uses his barbed wire flaming toothbrush in the morning..” – Michael
Umm.. up next.. Triple H versus Viscera…
“I guess he is a man on a mission” – Hernandez
“Did him and Stephanie get in a fight..” – Dani
COMMERCIAL
Predictions for the next match:
“Viscera bursts open and maggots consume the legs of Triple H” – Bill
“Viscera falls on Triple H and Triple H starves to death” – Michael
“Starves to death, underneath that?” – Bill
“Would YOU eat that?” – Michael
“It’s GOTTA taste like funnel cake or something..” – Bill
“Does it really matter” – Dani
“..we are all lost.. Dani’s been reading alot of Nietzche lately” – Michael
“..BLOODBATH!” – Eric
“Something happens.. I don’t know what or why, but something” – Jenna
“Can I just predict your NEXT what the f*ck match? Kurt Angle versus Savio Vega.” – Hernandez
“Ric Flair hides WITHIN Viscera to blindside Triple H” – Me
We’re back! Mick’s in the back .. coughing. Bischoff comes and giggles at Foley.
In the ring is Viscera! Here comes Triple H!
“How are Viscera and Lillian in the ring together?” – Eric
“..continuity?” – Me
TRIPLE H vs. VISCERA
Comedy Gold!
So before the match begins… Trips is heading down and Flair blindsides him.
“AND STARTS BLEEDING!” – Hernandez
The refs come down to seperate them as they just go nuts at each other, and Triple H begins to just pummel refs, Flair, medics, anyone who they throw at him.
“Viscera is in the ring eating popcorn” – Eric
“And out of nowhere… here comes SIDNEY PORTIER!” – Michael
Triple H gets pulled all the way back to the curtain, and Flair gets in the ring. Flair takes off his shoe and throws it.
“..You fight like a woman…” – Me
His match with Triple H is going to be in a cage… A CAGE.. A CAGE?!?!? A CAGE A CaGe EGAC A?!
“My kingdom for a cage!” – Michael
Flair then leaves.. and nobody is any smarter because of it.
In the back parkinglot, JBL’s limo has arrived.
“On the not so steady cam” – Michael
JBL is here…
“Hey, white shoes!” – Jenna
“White hat!” – Michael
“Cadillac… the boy’s a time boommmbbbb..” – Me
COMMERCIAL (Where discuss if it’s ‘The Poison’ or ‘The boy’s’ a timebomb)
Back outside JBL and arguing with Bischoff about JBL being allowed in the arena. Why isn’t he let in? Because of what happened last week on Smackdown!
Back in the ring, Edge is hanging with Lita and Chris Masters. Why did Edge spear Rey and NOT JBL? Because nobody cares about JBL. Rey is a bigger star than you. Oooooo snap. They give Masters the microphone and after word two.. nobody is listening.. but making fun of him.
Edge after mentioning Matt Hardy:
“I didn’t know they could invent another match for me to beat him in.” – Edge
They make fun of Rey Rey.. Christian.. Bob Holly.. Chris Masters with the greatest lisp in wrestling history.. oh and JBL.
When they give JBL the mic again.. he shoots on Masters very nicely, finally calling him monkey boy.
“..that’s actually fairly accurate” – Michael
Masters charges to the back.
“His knuckles dragging all the way there?” – Me
The only thing that saves this entire bit is JBL. As Masters gets outside and laughs that he fell for the oldest trick in the book. In the ring, Rey Rey dropkicks Edge and 619’s Lita.
“BROKE HER NECK! KILLED HER BABY!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL – A new commercial for the Ultimate Warrior! Awesome!
It’s Diva Time!
Here comes Ashley, Trish, and Mickie James
“I’m Mickie James, bitch!” – Michael
“It’s like a new Molly Holly” – Hernandez
“Without all those Christian values” – Me
And now..
Victoria, Candice, and Torie
“Xena and her wenches” – Jenna
AND THE WINNER OF THE LETCH AWARD OF THE NIGHT ISSSSS… Candice
MICKIE JAMES vs. VICTORIA
Me and Lawler are the ONLY pigs… sure!
Lock up between the two. Headlock slam down from Victoria. Victoria sends Mickie to the ropes, shoulder check sends down Mickie.. another toss to the ropes and a sunset flip for 2. Mickie sends Victoria to the ropes and misses with a dropkick.
Victoria grabs her legs and kicks her in the vagina. They then have themselves a nice slapfest, Victoria chops her down for two. Mickie then gets some offense, a throwing faceslam, a boot to the gut. Victoria rolls up Mickie though – but here comes Tori to roll it the other way. Trish rolls it the OTHER way… for the pin.
The battle rages in the ring and the bad girls bail.
In the back though.. a sexy man.. Vince McMahon.
COMMERCIAL
During the commercial break, Dani has announced that she wants to start an online petition to bring back Shane McMahon.
The CEO is heeeeeah!
YOU GOT NO CHANCE IN HELL!
Vincey is out to ask why people are arguing with the McMahon family decision to fire JR. Why? Coach is the man! Vince always knew that JR was full of crap. Wheeee intestine humor.
The crowd chants Asshole… Vince spins it to MORE intestine humor.
Vince is now going to show us footage of JR’s medical procedure… and it’s Vince as the doctor… Dr. Heiney.. and Nurse Slobberknockers…
“He’s going to shit out a hand…” – Me
“That left cheek is actually Stone Cold’s head..” – Michael
And inside JR’s ass.. they find JR’s BBQ sauce… and nobody’s laughing.
..and a football… and nobody’s laughing
“And Lita’s Fetus!” – Bill
..and a hoot owl?! Yep.. that’s the hand of the night.. so to speak.
..Vince uses a plunger.. and takes out.. AND IT’S ACTUALLY A HAND!? OKIE That almost made me laugh.
..and a bag with a goldfish…
“AND THE FABULOUS MOOLAH!” – Michael
..he uses a crowbar.. and pulls out… an Oklahoma College Football Helmet… and nobody laughs…
…and he uses a jackhammer.. and pulls out a Stone Cold water bottle.. and it’s still not really funny.
..and he uses the jaws of life… and everyone joins in… and it’s JR’s own head… and even the punchline isn’t funny…
Back in the ring.. he suggests that everyone in the audience also has their head stuck up their ass.
Wow. Did I say that I was happy the McMahon’s were back.. Sorry.
COMMERCIAL
Hey, Cade and Murdoch are in the ring.. assumedly defending their tag team champs. They will be facing whomever is NOT in the main event.
LANCE CADE & TREVOR MURDOCH vs. ROSIE & HURRICANE
…….didn’t we SEE this?!
There is no Hurricane coming down.
“Heel turn coming?” – Hernandez
“Why? HUrricane Why?” – Audience’s sign.
Rosie in the ring now alone… and that last bit with Vince has killed all heat everywhere. So now Cade sends Rosie to the corner and up at the top of the ramp comes Hurricane.
“He looks all right when he doesn’t look like an idiot.” – Michael
“One member of 3 Count” – Hernandez
Rosie sees and yells out to him and goes after Cade. Charging, but Cade drops, and Murdoch drops the ropes sending Rosie outside. Murdoch and Cade doubleteam Rosie back and forth. Shoulder check from Cade. Elbows from Murdoch. Murdoch climbs out to Rosie’s corner and waits for Rosie to tag HIM in… funny spot.
Tag to Cade, elbow right to Rosie’s head. Rosie finally gets ahead… hits Cade, but then gets a flying shoulder to drop him.. then eats a doubleteam suplex. Tag to Murdoch. Clip the leg from one. Clothesline from the other. Pin. The end.
WINNER: CADE & MURDOCH
COMMERCIAL
Okay.. it’s Main Event time! Here comes Foley! Here comes Kurt! No Dr. Seuss chant! The Champ Is Heah!
CENA vs. ANGLE
Foley Is The Ref… Mama Foley’s Baby Boy
Kurt Angle starts it up with the headlock takedown. Angle fights up and pulls back and Cena tosses out Angle to much craze.
Angle gets back in and a lock-up, sending Cena to the mat again with a headlock. Cena fights to his feet, and then the crossover-leapfrog-rope-to-rope funtime! Cena drops Angle, gets the fist drop and tosses Angle out of the ring to the chagrin of the rest of the world.
“KHAAAAAAAAAN!” – Michael
“HEEEEIIIIIIL!” – Bill
COMMERCIALS (You don’t go to Grandma’s cuz yer high… bastard.)
Back in the match, Cena is outside, and Angle is coming outside to toss him into steps and rip off his nose. He brings him in the ring, a nice strong suplex for 2. A kneelift. Lots of stomps. A backbreaker.. Nice offense.. for 2. Some arguing with Foley.
The leg scissors. A bunch of pin set ups, and 2 counts. Kurt pushes Foley.. Foley pushes Kurt RIGHT into a roll-up from Cena for a two count. Cena gets a quick sunset flip for two! Kurt tosses Cena to the ropes, and then throws the german suplex for a slow 2 count.
Angle wraps his arms around Cena’s waist, belly to back style.. and after a long hold spot – we get Cena getting to his feet, ducking a clothesline, and a SNAP DDT sends down BOTH men.
They both get to their feet and the punch fight starts… Cena getting over Angle. Clotheslines. Flying shoulder. Santiago, Chile Suplex.. and Carlito runs down to take out Mick Foley!
Cena gets the fist drop, and the F U… but Referee Eric Bischoff (?!?) comes down and pulls Angel’s leg out. Angle twists it into a German suplex for a FAST 2. A roll-up for a FAST 2. Angle grabs the Ankle Lock! Cena crawls to the ropes….. alllmossst… alllmooosstt… Bischoff takes Cena’s hand and drops it to the mat to ring the bell.
WINNER via UBER CHEATING: KURT ANGLE
Okay.. so not bad – just nothing note worthy.
What did the Rabble Think?
“Increase from the last few weeks.. better is better.” – Eric
“Yeah.. blew.” – Dani
“Decent, could have done without the McMahon segment” – Hernandez
“I didn’t like it so much.. not funny.” – Jenna
“whazzupwitdat…” – Bill
“I have no opinion” – Michael
“Pushed towards Taboo.. JBL gets the highlight of the show for me” – Me
So, that’s that. Now I give you the emails I recieved this past week about not having the Rabble up. Followed by my commentary. This is like the Rabble Bonus DVD feature:
FIRST! Coming on Tuesday, from Santiago, Chile:
James:
Dude, this is he 3rd time I’ve written to I.P, because I’m not that big of a fan of giving my opiions to the whole I.P reading community… But this time I had to. All I’m gonna say, is that anybody who dares to diss you, only because you couldn’t write The Rabble last night, is a major asshole, everybody has a life besides reading or writing here, and we should all understand that. Well, James, good luck on your problem, I really hope you can solve it soon, and like you said, brighten our Tuesday morning, but if you can’t, no problems, we, your more sensible readers will understand.
Greetings from south america (Santiago, Chile)….
Francisco Ubilla
—–
DO YOU PEOPLE HEAR THAT! IF YOU DO NOT LIKE MY CHOICES IN LIFE – PEOPLE IN SANTIAGO CHILE WILL FUCK YOU UP!
Thank you Francisco for the kind words. Last week I didn’t so much have a problem, as I had a LOT of work I needed to catch on – both Inside Pulse related, and personal. By the time wrestling started, I had written two comic based columns and got my webcomic ready for the next two weeks.
I don’t generally have much time during a week, so it was either do it on Monday or have it all be crazy late. Plus a very special project that, if you are comicky, you will totally be into. More on that another day though…
Thanks again Francisco, it’s cool to know that people understood.. and it’s also damn cool to know I have fans in Chile.
—–
And now, the email I recieved WHILE this week’s Raw was going on.
Hi James,
I am just writing to to let you know how let down I was when I went to read the Monday Night Rabble last week and was confronted with the message saying that there would not be one.
I was very disappointed in you. How could you let your fans down like that. All you do is type what is going on, on the TV. How hard can that be?!
I can’t believe you felt the need to deprive the internet community the fine rabbling qualities of one Dani. She is comedy gold. The one shining moment, in a rather bleak wrestling show.
Oh, and the other guys are pretty good too.
But you Mr Hatton, felt the need to deprive us of these fine people and their comedy genius. Stop pretending you had more important things to do. We all know you were just to busy playing City of Vilians to write your column last week.
Shame on you Mr Hatton, shame on you.
Love,
Dani
—-
Francisco… there is your target! GET HER!
Okay, so there you go. Hope y’all enjoyed. Til next week, Rabble on.
