The Crucifix, Opinions, Etc.

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Fuck off and die asshole. – J-Bone

So you think you’re hilarious and some sort of f*cking internet GOD dushbag…u’re a asshole with no readers – Mike

Nobody likes you…dickhead – Sammy

Heh,,smartass… – From the desk of Smitty, Anna Marie and Stir fry, the idiot cat. Ride safe.

You better hope that I never find out where the f*ck you are, because you wasted my f*cking time you smalldick – Jon

Cocksucker – Ryan

Well, those are just some of the emails I got when I decided to make you f*ckers think you would get some porn, but instead got Stewie:

Are you really that hard up for some porn that you have to rely on a wrestling site to get it? You’re more likely to find a picture of Flair’s bare ass than any decent porn on a wrestling site. I know Smitty needs his fill, hell he watched the Chyna tape and can describe it for you, but come on! And seriously, J-Bone? That’s like having “Dickhole” for a nickname…outdated, useless and not practical at all. At least my nickname at my firehouse is D-Hevz. It works with my last name. Unless your last name is “Boner” or “Bone” or anything remotely close, STOP GIVING YOURSELF A “COOL” NICKNAME. Do something stupid to get one. Rob a bank; f*ck a hooker and get herpes; shit your pants; wet the bed; blow a load on Scherer’s forehead. Just do something to get a better nickname. By the way, if you have no clue what I’m talking about because you read PWInsider or 1Wrestling, I’m talking about this news post.

Speaking of those sites, especially PWCuminsideme, they DROPPED the ball on Nash’s injury, reporting it a full 5 and 6 hours after us, respectively. But the bullshit came from Scherer, of course. This is his “initial” report on Nash:

TNA’s website is reporting that Kevin Nash, who is scheduled to take on Jeff Jarrett in the main event of tonight’s “Bound For Glory” PPV, was hospitalized yesterday in Orlando, FL.  The report stated that Nash began to feel ill yesterday afternoon and called 911 from his hotel room.  Doctors are running tests on Nash.  All I have heard is that he was reportedly having chest pains.  His availability for tonight’s show is not known.

See, if he had posted what every other site posted, which was TNA’s announcement on it’s website, it would have been all well and good. But not for 10am Scherer! He says that all he has heard was that he was having chest pains! Never mind the fact that he had choices to play with: chest or knees. He chose chest because Nash wouldn’t go to the hospital for his legs the night before a show because he probably knows his legs aren’t going to get any better. Besides, without the big fluffy pants his lower half looks like Calista Flockhart’s. But I digress. Scherer has an EXCLUSIVE! CHEST PAINS! ROLL THE DICE! And he was right! Because Scherer is the ONLY person who could’ve guessed that Nash was having chest pains! But he has INSIDER information!

Maybe he did. Maybe in between calling Bubba and D-Von asking for free tickets and the privilege of giving them a hand job he said “…of course I swallow! Oh you’re so silly…gerbils? SURE! Oh oh oh…is Nash ok?” Yeah, that’s possible. But when you have Trish Stratus take you to task on your “reporting”, you’re done. D-O-N-E done done done. The Rock of the Divas rocked you son. Not to mention getting bitched out by Coach. I’m sure that Scherer feels differently and “loves” the attention, much like he loves getting “hardcore” with the boys of ECW. Oh, in case you missed it…I hate Scherer.

– On the heels of Nash going to the hospital, TNA put on it’s “Wrestlemania” last night, Bound For Glory. Let’s put aside the fact that the closed circuit audience for Wrestlemania 1 was probably bigger than the number of buys for last night and see exactly what TNA did for us last night.

– Samoa Joe def. Jushin Liger: For a match that was built up so big to be given such a short period of time was a crime. From the outset it seemed as though TNA freaked when Nash went down.

– Diamonds in the Rough def. Apolo, Siaki and Shark Boy: Again, too rushed. It reminds me of Hardy and Mysterio at Wrestlemania over and over.

– Monty Brown def. Lance Hoyt: I can see why people think Monty is the next big thing and all that. I can see why people hate Hoyt. Either way I could give a shit about both of them.

– I do not speak of anything that involves Billy Gunn…take THAT PK!

– The last thing you want for your “Wrestlemania” is for one of the centerpieces to get botched. Ultimate X was good for what it was, but the screwed up end is a signal that they need to find a new way to secure the X. Additionally, don’t break kayfabe boys…c’mon…rule numero uno.

– Didn’t Gail Kim come close to killing people and herself in WWE? Just a thought. By the way, TNA Knockouts is a dumb name for the ladies. It sounds like a DVD release.

– Jeff Hardy is indeed psychotic. The Monster’s Ball match was fun to watch, but I really need to question how TNA names their matches.

– Styles and Daniels have had better matches, but they were still pretty good in the Iron Man match. Thank God they couldn’t cut from this one.

– So you’re telling me after all the bullshit about needing Jarrett or needing a recognizable (in a positive way) star to lead the company they decide to hotshot the title onto RHINO? This is how you make up for not having Kevin Nash there? First off, I doubt 99 percent of the buys, that’s 99 people by the way, bought this for Jarrett-Nash. Second, I doubt anyone would give two shits if Jarrett walked out with a title because they have come to expect it. On top of that, it would make Jarrett seem more powerful because he had no clue who he would face. Now you have Stevie Night Heat star RHINO win 3 matches in one night…and nobody cares.

Folks, mark out for this promotion all you want. Hope and pray for new Monday Night Wars. The only war you will see is the choice between sleeping and watching Raw. Sometimes the pillow is more exciting, yes, but if TNA ever challenges anything other than a bunch of indies, I’ll be shocked and maybe I’ll buy a TNA shirt.


Taboo Tuesday card sucks balls. Ok, not totally, but it isn’t THAT good. Outside of the main event with Cena, Michaels and Angle and Flair-HHH, it doesn’t seem too interesting. Why? Well…

– Mick Foley returns to face Carlito and put him over. Problem is that Carlito has no skillz. HHH and Orton had some skillz when Foley got them over. Carlito has nothing to play up to. He isn’t aggressive and it would be out of his character to be aggressive.

– A retired cripple, Steve Austin, will take on an announcer. ‘Nuf said.

– The Divas, who are all beautiful and a few who are fantastical in the ring (Trish, Vicky, Micki), will be subjected to being sluts for the second year in a row. If they hadn’t jettisoned half the division they could have some great matches and some good angles instead of having all of us cream to choose what they wear. Besides, half the time they wear better stuff for normal matches.

– The tag title match is the normal “the fans don’t like you enough…here! Have the tag titles!” match. Boring.

– Eugene and a “Legend” will battle Conway…by the way, these guys were MAIN EVENTERS in OVW.

– Edge and Chris Masters will take on two Smackdown superstars. WWE wants you to vote for JBL and Rey Mysterio. DON’T. Please vote for Matt Hardy and Christian.

And that’s it. Once again, for the record…Myself and 3 IP Staffers could book this better within A MONTH. Just gimme the Women’s Division and I’ll show you what I can do.


– Tajiri, when he retires, soon apparently, wants to be a reporter. Ten bucks says he gets over bigger than WWE ever could.

And that’s it for news. Shocking right? No news in the wrestling world? That means that we reporters are having THE BEST WEEK EVER!


RAW

– I am required by Eric S. law to say I hate the show. So, I HATE RAW TONIGHT…ok, now let me watch it…

– Open with HBK coming to the ring for a…MATCH!? I thought you needed someone to talk for 20 minutes to “kick things off”!?

– HBK takes on Kane who takes on Big Show in a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH! WOWZERZ! I’m kidding. Big Show with a HUGE chop on Michaels, which HBK sells like a champ. Ok, I’m not doing play by play. I need a nap…so I’ll just comment when it’s all done. Big Show throws Michaels outside onto Kane…1 problem: Michaels isn’t caught and BOUNCES off Kane…nice guys…good game of kill the Christian. SUPERPLEX from Big Show on Kane…the ring does not, DOES NOT, implode. HBK wins, which is just like I said last week: They need Kurt and Shawn to cover for Cena…done…

– Video of Cena in a NASCAR racer…doesn’t he have a match soon?

– Coach calls out Austin and gets Stephanie in a pickup…with boobs looking ALL FUCKED UP. She says the Coach deserves and Emmy for something, which is just too funny because she writes the show and it sucks. Steph is on a Smart Mark ROLL tonight, saying that we fans are tired of the SAME OLD STUFF. Would that be Austin vs. McMahon or almost every angle on Raw? Foley comes out to put a stop to this, which brings out Carlito. Steph nut shots Mick and Carlito beats him down. Funny thing: Like I said above, Carlito has NO INTENSITY.

– HHH makes his way to the ring to face Viscera but gets jumped by Flair. They fight and get broken up by the refs and Flair hits the ring. He grabs a mic and pleads to have the cage at Taboo Tuesday. Good passion from Flair…again. Take notes kids.

– JBL shows up, gets verbally punked out by Edge. JBL calls out Masters to the parking lot and Masters responds. This allows Mysterio to hit the ring with a springboard dropkick on Edge and get the 619 on Lita, which I’ve personally been waiting for.

– Micki James def. Victoria via small package. Victoria was SMOKING hot tonight by the way. Trish and the girls clean house afterward. At one point it looked like Candace was trying to get Ashley to fornicate with her, wrapping her legs around Ashley’s head and pulling. I have no clue what they call that move but I certainly enjoyed it. Trish didn’t. She dumped Candace out of the ring. Bad Trish!

– Big Show’s father. Mae Young’s birth. Katie Vick. Add JR’s “surgery” to that list. First off, it was WAY too long. It had it’s moments, but this kind of thing has been done before and it was dumb before as well. Just after Stephanie tells us we don’t want to see the same old thing we get this. By the way, if JR was still head of talent relations, there would be no need to use this as filler. Yes, I’m staring at you once again, Laurenitis!

– Murdoch and Cade def. Rosey, who no longer has Hurricane for a partner after last week. Showing how much they care, they merely mention that Hurricane decked Rosey and show no footage, sliding by the fact that they didn’t air any footage of it last week. He is now known as Gregory Helms. Give that man the IC Title! Program him with Benjamin!

Kurt Angle def. John Cena via forced tap out by “referee” Eric Bischoff. Foley, the original ref, cut taken out by Carlito and Bischoff ran down. He picked up Cena’s hand and made him tap. Cute.

Well, my better side didn’t want to go into the show thinking negatively. But Eric wins, as this show sucked. Aside from the women, including my boo, this was just bad. I can also honestly say that I have seen Foley in almost every situation, and for the first time he looks completely not motivated. I wouldn’t be either.

On that note, you WWEers that are reading this, my email is danhevia@4sternstaging.com. I would like to write this show, because as Foley is not motivated to do anything with the shit he’s been handed, I’m barely motivated enough to write about this shit anymore. Help me help you. Because this show is sucking dick the size of Chyna’s penis right now.


Victoria Alert:

Saturday, November 05 10 a.m. to noon
Staten Island, NY
“¨Don’t miss your chance to meet Victoria on Saturday, Nov. 5, from 10 a.m. to noon at the Time Warner Cable Billing Center in Staten Island, N.Y.”¨Phone: (718) 816-8686
Ridgewood, NJ
Victoria and Lillian will be participating in an Autograph Signing of Divas Uncovered  at  Bookends, 232 N. Ridgewood RD, Ridgewood, NJ 07450 from 3-5pm.


So on Saturday, November 5th, my boo comes to visit me. I will indeed be in Staten Island. Now I have to put this out there for all of you to see so you can better understand who I am as a man…

Lisa,
I know it’s been rough on both of us. You traveling, me not. Distance is hard on the heart. But you and I both know that our hearts combined are a force so powerful that not even the WWE could tear us apart. That cute little face you make on TV, to ME, let’s me know just how you feel. I see the love. You dress provocatively to get me excited. You used to jiggle your ass because you knew I liked that sort of thing. Both of us know you are the TRUE Playboy Diva, even if Hugh Hefner doesn’t get it. Lisa…you…complete me. I’ll see you soon snuggle bunny.

XOXOXO
Danny Pumpkin


See you next week…by the way it would have been really funny from a sick and twisted standpoint if Nash had died, considering how Jarrett said he was leaving in a casket. Just saying…Adios!