The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #112

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Fluidmaster, which is the world’s largest manufacturer of toilet replacement parts. Fluidmaster recently named October as National Toilet Repair Month, so get it done soon, otherwise you’ll have to wait until next year.

This special HALLOWEEN edition is also brought to by InsidePulse’s Culture Section, where I launched a new food column last week. It contains references to things that you love, like Mathan Erhardt and the Wendy’s Bacon Mushroom Melt, so check it out!

This is quite possibly the greatest weekend in the history of weekends. First of all, it’s Halloween, which is my favorite holiday, as I’ll be drinking copious amounts of alcohol dressed as priest later tonight (as my girlfriend will be a dominatrix). Secondly, thanks to Daylight Savings Time, I get an extra hour of sleep drinking. And last, but certainly not least, my favorite baseball team has won the World Series after a resounding sweep to end 88 years of title drought in Chicago. I cannot believe it, honestly. I knew they were a good team, but I never expected this. I cannot imagine a team that deserved this more. It was a team without egos or superstars (save for Frank Thomas, but he was on the DL), a team that worked so well together, where someone different stepped up in every game, and several of the players could have been awarded the MVP. Bullshit calls notwithstanding, this is an outstanding team (except for Damaso Marté, who should’ve never been allowed to pitch in the World Series, even if he was the winning pitcher, thanks to Geoff Blum, Mark Buehrle, and Ezequiel Astacio). No one will burst my bubble, not you, not my Cubs fan friends, and certainly not Steve Coogan. Don’t even try, for you will be wasting your time and energy. Yes, I know it was the lowest rated World Series ever, and that nobody outside of the South Side of Chicago gives a shit, but I don’t care. The White Sox are the champions and I am happy as a clam. Bite me.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE (SCARY HALLOWEEN PICTURE EDITION)

NEWS TO USE

Several people are proposing a class-action lawsuit against Apple Computer Inc., claiming that the screens on their new iPod Nanos are defective, as they are very easy to scratch, which has in some cases has rendered the display on the music player unreadable. After a number of dissatisfied consumers filed complaints with the company, Apple released a statement explaining that a particular batch from a specific manufacturer were the only ones affected, and included less than one-tenth of 1 percent of the devices that had been sold at that point. They also offered to replace the defective screens but added that the screen on the Nano—a smaller, thinner version of the popular iPod—was just as susceptible to scratching as previous models. The plaintiffs are asking for return of the cost of their iPods, as well as the $25 replacement fee, and part of the company’s “unlawful and illegal” profits from the sales of the item. The suit is being spearheaded by Jason Tomczak, who bought the Nano in September, and says that the screen on his device was so easy to scratch that things like rubbing a paper towel across it, putting it in a pocket with car keys and coins, and punting it across a vacant lot into a pile of broken glass left a considerable mark.

Los Angeles County officials have demanded that Paramount Pictures take down several billboards in the area for the upcoming 50 Cent movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin’, especially focusing on ones that were placed near school zones. The billboards show 50 Cent from behind in a crucifixion-like pose, with a microphone in one hand and a handgun in the other. “This billboard conveys to the students a disturbing message actively promoting gun violence, criminal behavior and gang affiliation,” Los Angeles County supervisor Michael Antonovich wrote in a letter to Paramount Chairman Brad Grey. On Thursday, the distributor said that they would be complying with the complaints and billboards and posters will be pulled, starting with one outside of a public school in L.A. suburb Altadena, where the community had recently launched an anti-rhinoceros campaign.

R. Kelly was unable to get a Cook County (Ill.) Criminal Court Judge to dismiss his child pornography charges on the argument that the period of time (between Jan. 1998 and Nov. 1) given in which he allegedly filmed himself having sex with an underage girl is too broad. Judge Vincent Gaughan said that the indictment would continue as planned (Dec. 9) and that “the evidence is sufficient for Mr. Kelly to prepare a defense.” Kelly’s attorneys had claimed that he would not be able to properly defend against the charges as he could not provide an alibi for any random date in that time, and because of the fact that everybody, including him, knows that that was him eating that chick’s asshole.


Svengoolie doesn’t really have anything to do with the iPod Nano, 50 Cent, or R. Kelly eating some chick’s asshole, but since this is a special Halloween edition, I could think of very few other people who deserve to be here.

In a stunning gesture at Power 105.1’s Power House concert at the Continental Airlines Arena in New Jersey, long-time rivals Jay-Z and Nas “squashed their beef,” and performed a song together, after which time they embraced and proceeded to passionately make out. The Saturday Swindle Sheet is very happy for them, and would like to offer the two our best wishes. And don’t worry, Beyoncé and Kelis, I’m here for both of you, and yes, I’ll even do that.

DMX (né Earl Simmons) pled guilty on Tuesday, at the Queens Criminal Courthouse in New York, to violating the terms of a conditional release. The rapper had previously pled guilty to reckless endangerment after he reportedly tried to steal a car at John F. Kennedy International Airport, in June of 2004, and claimed that he was a federal agent after being discovered by authorities. As part of that plea bargain, Simmons was released with a conditional discharge, which required that he stay on good behavior. However, after two subsequent driving-related offenses, he was forced to appear in court again, after which time he and his attorneys devised the latest plea bargain. His next court date is scheduled for Nov. 17, where he will be sentenced to 60 days at Rikers Island, which more than likely be reduced to 40 days. According to his attorneys, DMX is doing well, and is currently trying to figure out what rhymes with “Rikers,” for a track on a his upcoming album.

Janet Jackson recently denied that she has an 18-year-old daughter from her marriage to James DeBarge, telling Access Hollywood, “I do not have a child and all allegations saying so are false.” The claim was made on a New York City radio program last week by James’ brother, Young DeBarge, who may have actually made up the story just to get his name in The Saturday Swindle Sheet.

The two-disc, 22-track set, The Notorious B.I.G. Duets: The Final Chapter, is set for a Dec. 20 release, according to Bad Boy Records. It will feature previously unreleased songs with other musicians’ verses layered over them. Featured artists include The Ad-Hoc Award-Demanding Shithead, Tupac, Jay-Z, Eminem, Fat Joe, Pig Pun, Nas, Nelly, Jagged Edge, Snoop Dogg, Redman, Missy Elliot, R. Kelly, Twista, Nate Dogg, Ludacris, Krayzie Bone, Matthew Michaels, The Game, Faith Evans, Freeway, Mary J. Blige, Korn, and several others that I don’t feel like mentioning.

Slipknot has cancelled four concerts and postponed another so that they could attend the funeral and mourn the death of band member Shawn “Clown” Crahan’s father. The cancelled performances are for Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday in New York, and Thursday in Lewiston, Maine, while the postponed show for this past Friday, in Philadelphia, has been rescheduled for Nov. 8.

Rykodisc is planning to re-issue Nine Inch Nails’ 1989 debut, Pretty Hate Machine (which has been out-of-print for over three years), on Nov. 22. The album will be exactly the same as the original, with the tracks and artwork unchanged. The record label has licensed the rights to the album from Prudential Securities, which acquired it and numerous others from TVT Records as part of collateral against a $32 million loan that they could not repay. According to a representative for Rykodisc, the label also has plans to re-issue some early material by KMFDM. If one of those re-issues happens to be the original Naïve album, I will kick my neighbor’s dog in glee.

When asked about Babyshambles singer/incredible melt Pete Doherty, Sharon Osbourne recently told a reporter for Attitude magazine, “Pete Doherty? Well he needs a bleedin’ good slap, that’s what. He needs locking down in rehab for a couple of months. And the truth needs to be told to his face. … There’s nothing harder to take than the truth. It’s not hip to be in that state he’s in. It’s not cool, it’s pathetic. … He needs to be knocked out a couple of times and, get the shit kicked out of him and thrown into rehab.” The reporter then proceeded to tear the skin off of his face after being subjected to more than 5 seconds of Sharon Osbourne’s voice.

Quick Bits

Cam’ron is recovering at home after being shot once in each arm during a carjacking attempt outside of a nightclub in Washington, D.C., last week.

Mary J. Blige will receive a lifetime achievement award at the upcoming Vibe Awards ceremony, scheduled for Nov. 12 at Sony Studios in Culver City, Calif. Also scheduled to make appearances are Ludacris, Pharrell Williams, Ciara, David Banner, Young Jeezy, and Lil Wayne, who is scheduled to be stabbed.

Nine Inch Nails has been announced as the headliner for this weekend’s Voodoo Music Experience, a concert in New Orleans that is exclusively for volunteers, police, firefighters, military, National Guard, and rescue personnel worked to help clean up after Hurricane Katrina.

Jessica Simpson recently told Teen People that she was driven to see a therapist after a year which saw her marriage being overanalyzed by the press, and being chased around by the paparazzi where ever she went. I blame Lil Jon, who is responsible for everything bad in the world. Everything.

Bob Geldof will receive the 2005 Nobel Man of Peace Award—which is voted on and presented by all of the living Nobel Peace Prize winners—at the World Summit of Nobel Laureates, on Nov 24 in Rome. When asked for comment, Bob Geldof told reporters, “That’s f*cking big.” No, really… he did say that.

Bassist Zak Sally has left the band Low, saying on the band’s Web site, that “for now, there are more important things than music.” His band mates replaced him with Matt Livingston shortly thereafter.

Jawbreaker drummer Adam Pfahler has been compiling old footage of the band, with plans to release a documentary on DVD through his Blackball Records label.

Kid Rock will make a cameo as a deliveryman in the season premiere of ex-girlfriend Pam Anderson’s sitcom, Stacked, on Nov. 9. Man, is this a shitty news week…

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

From Gearhead Records…

GEARHEAD SIGNS THE LORDS OF ALTAMONT!
In an amazing turn of events, it just so happened that one of our favorite bands – who just happen to be the best garage band in California, The Lords of Altamont, needed a label to put out their first new release in years, so that’s exactly what we are doing. Mark your calendars, because on November 15th we’ll be unleashing
Lords Have Mercy (RPM064) 11 new tracks that will have you taking a chain to your Grandma if she dares to tell you to turn it down! Liner notes by Michael Davis of the MC5, which is pretty much the equivalent of Jesus coming off the cross to give these LA-based bad boys the ultimate thumbs up! Lots of live shows in The Lords’ immediate future as well, so be sure to check out their own great website right here, and hear them on their MySpace page right here. At Gearhead, we couldn’t be prouder if it was 1968 and we just signed The Rolling Stones, it’s that big kiddies.

From Astralwerks…

The Beta Band – The Best of the Beta Band

In stores now, The Best of the Beta Band is a two CD package featuring highlights from all four albums – The Three EPs, The Beta Band, Hot Shots II and Heroes To Zeros – along with a live recording of one of their final shows on their farewell tour last autumn. Kicking off with “Dry The Rain” taken from their debut release, CD1 features 15 tracks including “Squares,” “Human Being,” “To You Alone,” “Broke” and “Assessment” along with classics such as “She’s The One” and “Gone.” CD2, recorded at Shepherds Bush Empire on Nov 29th 2004, features 12 tracks and includes live favorites “Dog’s Got A Bone” and “Inner Meet Me.”

Also available separately November 1: The deluxe double DVD retrospective, which kicks off with four short films made specifically by the band for this release. Also included are a selection of their single promos, three documentary clips and four tracks filmed at last year’s Shepherds Bush gig. Look out for the videos for “Squares,” inspired by classic 70’s movie Capricorn One, the one take video for “Assessment” documenting ‘the history of human warfare’ and their take on The Professionals – Chalk and Cheese – featuring Steve Mason and Stone Roses/Primal Scream bassist Mani.

ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.

For more info email press@astralwerks.net.

iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Bizarre Inc., “I’m Gonna Get You”
Sparta, “Cut Your Ribbon”
Sylvester, “You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)”
The Chemical Brothers, “Let Forever Be”
Lacuna Coil, “Stars”
Duran Duran, “Save a Prayer”
Genesis, “That’s All”
Thompson Twins, “Doctor Doctor”
Depeche Mode, “Shake the Disease”
Liam Lynch, “United States of Whatever”
The Pharcyde, “Drop”
DJ Rap, “Bad Girl” (BT’s Spoken Progenitor Mx)
Everything But the Girl, “Missing” (Todd Terry Club Mx)
Elvis Presley, “(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear”
The Rascals, “A Beautiful Morning”
The Zombies, “She’s Not There”
Felix Da Housecat, “Happy Hour”
Rollins Band, “Liar”
White Zombie, “Thunder Kiss ’65”
Q-Tip, “Vivrant Thing”
DJ Shadow, “The Number Song”
Pretenders, “Message of Love”
U2, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”
Electric Light Orchestra, “Evil Woman”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

Victor Willis, who played the cop in The Village People, is being sought by real police after being a no-show at a scheduled sentencing at a San Mateo County (Calif.) Superior Court, for a drug case. He was arrested in July after a routine traffic stop turned up a gun and an undisclosed amount of crack in his car. The judge in his case issued an arrest warrant last Thursday for the case, as well as for Willis having violated his parole, although his attorney claimed that Willis told him on Wednesday night that he wasn’t able to go because he had to have surgery.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m here to tell you there’s something else—the afterworld—a world of never-ending happiness. You can always see the sun, day or night. So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills—you know the one—Dr. Everything’ll-Be-All-right, instead of asking him how much of your time is left, ask him how much of your mind, baby. ‘Cause in this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld. This life you’re on your own, and if de-elevator tries to bring you down, go crazy—punch a higher floor!

Cheers
-JF2k5!