ENTRANCE SPIEL:
Oh, dear.
A little tip for you all – if you drink a lot of Guinness on a night out then you damn well better have enough toilet paper for the day after.
Also, I really do need to find a decent pop-up blocker. If any of you good people know of one, then let me know.
Ugh. Okay, busy, busy. Let’s get on with this.
TOP 5 BEST FRUITS:
1. Apples
2. Pineapples
3. Peaches
4. Strawberries
5. Bananas
NWA-TNA BOUND FOR GLORY 2005: AFTERMATH
Oh, dear.
“Blink And You Miss It” Match:
Samoa Joe vs. Jushin Liger
Oh, dear.
When I wrote the preview for this show last week I said that I didn’t know if Liger was still capable of great things in the ring because I hadn’t seen him wrestle in several years. Well, after watching this match, I still don’t know. This was the first sign that the show was going to disappoint. Well, the second one really, since there was no need for the X Division four-way to be bumped to the pre-show instead of the amateurish six-man tag match (either one). I mean, honestly, they take a legend like Liger and the company’s newest star, give them both suitably impressive entrances and then just cut the whole thing off at the knees by ending it so quickly. Even Joe has apologised for disappointing the fans over on his blog. I understand the need to keep Joe looking strong but it’s not going to tarnish his reputation in the least by needing a good fifteen minutes or so to put someone of Liger’s calibre down. In fact, it would only strengthen it. However, the chance to have perhaps the greatest opening match to a PPV since WrestleMania X was wasted by the panic-booking going on backstage thanks to Nash eating one pork chop too many. I’m not sure who is heading the TNA booking team these days but whoever it is – D’Amore, Jarrett, Zbysko, Konnan’s Shoe – they appear to have the attention span of a gnat and the intellect of Homer Simpson when he was on the panel of the Springfield Film Festival. At least Homer had the perfectly reasonable excuse of wanting to watch a man getting hit in the groin by a football, which, as we all know, works on so many different levels. The mysterious TNA honcho instead decided to deprive their audience of one of the two real attractions to this show because, as we all know, Gauntlet Matches are what people really want to see. Well, I would rather be hit in the groin by a football than think the same way those fools do, and I would certainly have rather seen a proper Joe/Liger match than the disposable filler the came afterwards, the prime example of which is…
“Disposable Filler” Match:
Diamonds in the Rough vs. Apolo, Sonny Siaki & Shark Boy
Huzzah! I skipped this one. I still don’t even know who won it, yet somehow I still manage to sleep at nights. It truly is a funny old world, which is as good an explanation for Sonny Siaki as I can offer.
“Monty Brown” Match:
Monty Brown vs. Lance Hoyt
I can just picture Hoyt doing that bizarre entrance walk of his in his day-to-day life. He’s just standing in the queue at the cinema, hitting the air and chanting “Hoyt! Hoyt! Hoyt!”, staring at nothing in particular and frowning terribly with all the concentration of a genuine idiot trying hard not to forget his name. Then he’s sitting in his seat in the theatre with his popcorn and his super-sized soda, wearing his little hat and stomping the floor because his hands are full, banging his head against the air and whispering “Hoyt! Hoyt! Hoyt!” while he tries to watch the movie. Actually, he strikes me as the type of person that would just stay to watch the adverts and the trailers and then leave because he thinks that was the film. I really, really hate all of those adverts and anti-piracy skits that they show. Hell, they’ve even managed to combine the trailer for The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe with an anti-piracy skit, thus reaching a new low, even for a movie studio. It’s got some hideous voice-over telling us all that it’s “the experience that counts” when we go to see a movie, which would be absolutely true if they replaced the word ‘experience’ with the word ‘profit’. I’m going to make it a point to download that movie when it comes out on purpose. I’m not going to actually watch it, just download it and share it with my good ol’ buddy Azureus. Then I’m going to go and nick a copy of the book from some shop and stand outside and burn it, just on principle. Then, since it’s all the fault of those damn kids anyway, I’m going to find some really fat child and punch him in the face. That’ll teach the little bastards. Um… right, yeah, Monty Brown… Fair enough, good point, well made, hard to argue with that… Carry on…
“It’s In My Racoon Wounds!” Match:
3 Live Kru vs. Team Canada
Again with the inconsequential six-man tag matches… Actually, that’s a bit unfair since this one did at least have a point to it in getting Kip James to ally himself with the Kru. Still, anything to do with the formerly professionally homosexual James is not enough to interest me, so I skipped this match too. It’s a nice twist to the ongoing Not-The-Outlaws storyline and shows an unusual deal of restraint and pacing for TNA, particularly on this show, but the participants are astonishingly mediocre in the ring on their best days and are about as cool as getting a Dominos pizza without the dip, so colour me bored. I’m not sure what colour bored is but I think it is probably somewhere in between grey and brown. The other day I seen a billboard advertising some new range of paints and, no joke, one of them was described as being “toffee flavoured”. That’s missing the point (albeit hilariously) and hitting itself in the groin all in one fell swoop, much like TNA continuing to make references to things that happened a long time ago in a promotion far, far away. They have the right intentions in trying to hook the odd casual viewer into sticking around and maybe seeing a Not-The-Outlaws reunion at some point but a) I doubt the odd casual viewer is that stupid, and b) it just makes people think of better times and better matches and better shows and makes the TNA product look inferior in comparison. Plus, there’s just something sad about the idea that their big-picture plan is to wind up with Not-The-Outlaws vs. Not-The-Dudleys. Of course, I will quite happily change my tune and watch any number of dull and repetitive matches if they follow up on this development with numerous skits in which Konnan attempts to explain the subtle nuances of shoe-throwing to Kip. We’ll get Konnan a classroom and a blackboard and have him set assignments for Kip, who will be sitting down at his little desk, taking notes and bringing Konnan apples. We’ll then build it up to the next PPV, when Kip gets to throw his very first shoe in public. Will he manage to throw it? Who will be hit by the shoe? What will Konnan make of his performance? Oh, come on, that’s money and you all know it…
#1 Contender’s Ultimate X Match:
Petey Williams vs. Matt Bentley vs. Chris Sabin
Oh, dear.
I’m told that the X fell down in a previous Ultimate X match, which makes it all the more inexcusable for the same thing to happen here at all, let alone twice. They can chalk it up to bad luck if they want but they really should have managed to come up with a better way to secure the damn thing by now. Hell, the arena is in Universal Studios, I’m sure that there are plenty of people round about with the necessary tools and expertise to properly set-up the wires and such. It’s even worse that they didn’t take the blatantly obvious step of establishing a proper contingency plan for this. If the X falls down, you either have to get a ladder and be the first person to tie it back to the wire to get the victory, or you just forget about it altogether and try to pin your opponent instead. Neither option is perfect but it’s better than having to stop the match while the ring crew attempts to salvage it, which left Bentley, Sabin and Williams at a complete loss for what to do. Really, what would they have done if Williams hadn’t been in the right place at the right time to catch the X when it fell the second time? Stop the match once again? We all make mistakes but it is nice to learn from them once in a while. According to the reports from the rematch that was taped recently, however, the damn X almost fell down once again. Methinks that it is about time to put the gimmick to rest for a little while until people start to forget this sorry mess and they find a better way of producing the match.
Monsters Ball 2:
Abyss vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Sabu vs. Rhino
Well, f*ck me sideways and call me Shirley. That was quite possibly the most insane Hardy bump ever. There’s not much else to the match but that’s kind of the point with these things. They certainly did a good job living up to everybody’s expectations here, so kudos to them for that.
X Division Championship Iron Man Match:
A.J. Styles vs. Christopher Daniels
My expectations for a hardcore brawl are never particularly high though, especially when compared to my expectations for thirty minutes of five-star wrestling like this. These two guys are just operating on a completely different level from the rest of the roster right now and, unlike comparably awesome WWE wrestlers like Benoit or Guerrero, they are free to do whatever they want to in the ring and get plenty of time to do it in. This match was definitely the best Iron Man Match in years, especially since they actually stuck to a sensible score. It’s always been a pet peeve of mine that so many of these matches have so many falls in them when in a regular main event match it takes a good fifteen minutes at least to get just one. It’s just not believable, especially during the Angle/Michaels effort from a few weeks ago. They played it absolutely perfectly here, going for twenty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds before the first and only fall came. I guess that they used up all of their bad luck with Nash and Ultimate X because a tricky finish like this needs nothing but good luck if it is to come off as smoothly as it did – proving once again that the gods look favourably up at Styles and Daniels. Also, the bump that Styles took on the steps was probably even more painful than the Hardy Swanton was.
NWA World Heavyweight Clusterf*ck:
Jeff Jarrett vs. Rhino, via some kind of Anti-Rumble contest…
Oh, dear.
And now for a short e-mail interlude featuring yours truly and the once and future king of the Ross Report, Ross Williams…
ROSS: Well, I think it’s fair to say the NWA World Title means nothing anymore…
IAIN: It probably hasn’t since they weren’t able to pay Flair that deposit money back but… yeah, they’re really just not even trying now, are they? That show was the biggest letdown in a good long while. Gotta love Nash setting new standards for himself though. Getting injured before even leaving the hotel room? Awesome.
ROSS: He could have at least done it backstage… But seriously, how the f*ck are we meant to take Rhino seriously as a World Champion? Dave absolutely smashed him in about 3 minutes on RAW earlier in the year!
IAIN: I know. Raven would have made the most sense from a storyline standpoint. Monty Brown could easily have done the match, got screwed, and then built up to the big win at the next show. Samoa Joe could have given Jarrett the ol’ Orlando Jordan treatment and become the most deadly champion they’ve ever had. Abyss could have at least given a decent brawl. Hell, Tito Ortiz could have done that. But Rhino? Sheesh. He hasn’t changed his clothes in about six years.
ROSS: I believe that’s actually six years he’s been wearing them inside the ring and out – he NEVER changes them, he sleeps in them, eats in them and probably smacks the odd one out in them.
IAIN: I can just see him waddling around Farmfoods in his costume, trying to find a bag of frozen chips to keep himself going through the lean winter months and then getting so upset by the lack of crinkle-cut chips that he tries to gore the freezer. Berk. WWE should start little animated shorts on their website called The Moronic Man-Beast. Sure, they’d probably get in legal action over it but I’m sure they could fall back on the well-researched defence of Vince waving his dick around.
ROSS: How very droll. I should point out that whilst I think Rhino is a general waste of time and is going to be very damaging to the image of TNA, I love seeing him waddle around on those stumpy little legs like an overgrown toddler. Let’s give him a lollipop!
[the next day…]
IAIN: Well, the Reign of the Rhino sure did last a long time…
ROSS: Oh Geez!
I don’t know whether the hotshot of the title makes it better or worse! So Rhyno now finds himself on the same level as Kane in that he can claim to have been a bona fide World Champ but for about as long as he was having a toss?
IAIN: Maybe the two of them could form some kind of a support group for Premature Title Loss.
ROSS: No, no, there’s premature title loss (before they should have lost it – Kane, Mr. Backlund) and just plain Title loss (Rhino, Randy Orton, Raven). Then you can have another group for those who held belts for far, far, far, far, far too long (Yokozuna, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Jarrett, Bob Backlund doubling up nicely, John Cena, Triple H, Diesel) and then have a club for chubby little blokes that shouldn’t have been World Champs in the first place anyway (Rhino). And then a club for Kevin Nash, called Kev’s Kwality Kripples. And they can all wear white hoods, long robes and pin Booker T after a pedigree and 23 seconds of stalling.
IAIN: We need to have a club for people that could have been good champions but got f*cked up the ass for some reason or another (Jericho, Luger, Booker). And the Nash club would need to take field trips to Mexico to throw small people into trucks from time-to-time as well. You know, in between f*cking fat chicks at their fanclub.
ROSS: Did I miss something about fat chicks and fanclubs? I like the idea of field trips. I’m not sure about Luger being a potential good champ; his two World Title reigns were shitty.
IAIN: I dunno, if Luger had gotten a decent reign back in his early WCW days he
might have done something better.
You haven’t seen the Nash fat chick fanclub? It’s hilarious.
ROSS: Jim is the best one.
TOP 5 SIMPSONS EPISODES:
1. “Homer the Heretic”
2. “Homer the Great”
3. “Selma’s Choice”
4. “You Only Move Twice”
5. “The Way We Was”
WWE TABOO TUESDAY 2005: PREVIEW
Oh, dear.
WWE Championship Triple Threat:
John Cena vs. Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels
Come on, we all know that Michaels will win this ‘vote’. Given the strange interpretation of the word ‘democracy’ that seems to be doing the rounds among the upper echelons of American society, they would have been just as well to announce this as a triple threat in the first place. After all, it would have made perfect sense considering the outcome of the Angle/Michaels Iron Man Match from a few weeks ago to have both men be granted a title shot. Then they could have just thrown on another meaningless stipulation for people to ‘vote’ on so we can all have that same giddy thrill of ‘democracy’ in action. I would have done something spectacularly devoid of merit, such as picking a special guest referee – Bull Buchanan, Bob Backlund or Marty Jannetty. And was Austin really trying to steal B2’s catchphrase the other week? Booyah, indeed… Anyway, there’s not much chance of there being a title change here. At this point, it’s looking more and more likely that both Cena and Batista are going to get year-long title reigns – though, regrettably, the most logical thing to do at this point is probably to have Triple H win the title in the coming months and then drop it back to Cena at WrestleMania, thus giving their tragic ‘big star’ the shiny moment of glory he just couldn’t muster up with JBL. It’s also looking increasingly likely that this Angle/Michaels thing is going to be dragged out until WrestleMania too, which again proves that repetition is only ever acceptable in the classiest of circumstances. If that were the case then I hope that they finally send Michaels over to Smackdown in the next draft… I’m getting way ahead of myself here but fantasy booking is a far more comfortable thing to waste my time on than this PPV.
World Tag Team Titles Match:
Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. Kane & The Big Show
How badly do they need to keep these tag team titles? Given the amount of wrestlers that they have in OVW and DSW, not to mention those relegated to Heat and the occasional dark match, it can’t be that difficult to just pair a few of them up, call them a tag team and then stick them on Raw. Even if the wrestlers weren’t particularly talented it would still surely be more beneficial than splitting up one of the three teams on Raw in a storyline that nobody could possibly care about since this is the third, possibly fourth, time that they have tried it. The death of the superheroes leaves the Heart Throbs, who are on course to be jobbed out more often than Tekno Team 2000, Val Venis & Viscera, who could be quite entertaining if they developed them as a team more than as singles wrestlers, and the reigning champions, who can currently be seen in a far superior version in TNA under the name “America’s Most Wanted”. For this, apparently, we need to keep tag team titles… The solution by the writers is to once again go for the cheap fix of two singles stars winning the belts en route to a singles feud. Unsurprisingly enough, they tried to do an almost identical thing at the last Taboo Tuesday with Chris Benoit and Edge. At least that one was somewhat tolerable because they could use the indisputable defence of “Hey, it’s Benoit.” This time around it’s that ol’ favourite argument of Vince’s – “Hey, he’s big.” Yeah, I’m sure that will be enough to please the audience… provided they are under ten years old, that is.
Cage Match:
Ric Flair vs. Triple H
Again, just like last year, we have Ric Flair taking on another former member of Evolution in a Cage Match. Batista better start preparing for October 2006. Of course, it’s not ‘officially’ a Cage Match… yet… but it surely will be. After all, who could possibly vote against the wishes of a crazed Ric Flair yelling “Cage! Cage! Cage!” on Raw? Well, except for me. I voted for the One Fall To A Finish Match out of pure belligerence. That and the fact that it is such an incredibly lame stipulation… a wrestling match that ends in a pinfall! Wow! This is a WWE style Cage Match though, so it will probably just end in a pinfall anyway. By rights, this should be an Intercontinental Title match to boot but the last time Triple H won it the title was dead for a good eight months so it’s probably just as well that they have chosen to forget it outright instead. If they are feeling particularly generous, however, they might want to consider Flair dropping the belt this Monday, furthering his feud with Hunter and maintaining the illusion that the belt actually means something. Just a suggestion…
Raw vs. Smackdown Match:
Edge & Chris Masters vs. Christian & Matt Hardy
I really still do not understand the booking of this Raw/Smackdown feud whatsoever. Just a few short months ago Edge and JBL were standing side-by-side in the ECW Arena, mocking the One Night Stand PPV with the enthusiasm that can only be gathered from drinking a shitload of beer together. Hell, they looked like they were such good friends that they would have gone back to Hardy’s place and gave Lita the ol’ finger-cuffs routine. She would even have gotten to wear JBL’s hat. Now, just because Vince ordered there to be a Smackdown match on the Raw Homecoming show that was scrapped by Eric Bischoff, they are suddenly mortal enemies. Forget the fact that Bischoff disobeyed a direct order from Vince and was not punished for it at all while the commentary team received the full-on Grapefruit Juice treatment for daring to just, well, commentate… Forget the fact that inter-brand matches should be reserved to WrestleMania and the Royal Rumble and nothing else besides the occasional surprise appearance during the draft lottery month… Forget the fact that the writing staff is so incompetent that they think everybody should forget that Edge and Christian were established as being storyline brothers back in 1998… Forget the fact that Edge actually appeared on the same edition of Smackdown that saw Matt Hardy make his Smackdown debut and yet neither of them even dared to mention one another’s name, let alone have another brawl… Forget the fact that out of all the people directly involved in this the only ones not to have appeared on both shows are Rey Mysterio and Chris Masters, the former for good reason and the latter not worth bothering with… Forget the fact that the only true way to blow off this feud in the ring would be to get Bischoff and Long to have a match with one another, something that nobody could possibly want to see… Forget the fact that this whole thing could be ended by Vince with one swift squeeze of the Grapefruit Juice if he really wanted to because, even in storyline terms, there is no reason for his character to want to sit back and watch both brands feuding with one another, ruining each other’s shows, and just generally behaving in an unprofessional and unprofitable manner… Forget the fact that both Raw and Smackdown are prominently advertised and referenced on one another’s broadcasts anyway, not to mention sharing the same website at WWE.com and sharing multiple PPVs throughout the year, so the fans would have to be even dumber than I consider them to be to forget about one brand or the other… Forget the fact that time being wasted on go-nowhere storylines such as this one could be spent trying to further develop worthy mid-card talent like Shelton Benjamin or Ken Kennedy, or trying to bolster overlooked areas such as the Raw Tag Team or Smackdown Cruiserweight Divisions… Forget the fact that putting Raw over Smackdown will only further damage the already tainted reputation of the Friday night show, and that putting Smackdown over Raw will still not lead to any dramatic increase in ratings for them… Actually, no, you shouldn’t forget all of those things. You should remember them, come to terms with them, appreciate them, and then just hope that JBL and Rey Mysterio are not sent out here for this match instead, because only the presence of Christian and/or Hardy could possibly even dream of redeeming this one.
“Some Fat, Hairy Guy With A Sock Who Can’t Dance But Likes The B-52s” Match:
Mick Foley vs. Carlito
I can’t believe they managed to start a Foley/Carlito feud and didn’t go for the “Loser Gets His Head Shaved” stipulation… Sheesh… I’m also slightly perturbed that this PPV allows you to dress up the Divas – and Mick Foley. He isn’t sharing the outfits with the Divas though, so that’s slightly better. Apparently the contract that Foley signed recently specifies that he has to wrestle a minimum of two matches per year if management wants to use him. I guess that sending him out to lose to a younger wrestler is about as good a use for him as there could be, so thumbs-up for that one. It doesn’t mean that I give a shit about watching him and Carlito attempt to work together though – and it certainly doesn’t mean that bringing back a true Legend like Foley to work a program with someone else while Rob Conway and Eugene are having a feud based around appreciating Legends makes any sense whatsoever. Honestly, do they even watch their own shows anymore?
Special “Steve Austin Butt Fucks The Coach” Feature:
Steve Austin vs. The Coach
Hey, look! It’s Steve Austin and he’s butt f*cking The Coach! Wow! Please, Mr. McMahon, please take my $40!
Handicapable Match:
Rob Conway vs. Eugene & Duggan/Snuka/Kamala
Yeah, yeah, f*ck off.
“Pick Your Fantasy” Diva Match:
Trish Stratus and a crapload of anonymous whores… and Victoria
Are we done yet?
TOP 5 MORE ENTERTAINING WAYS TO SPEND TUESDAY NIGHT:
1. Unnecessary surgery
2. Watching Batman & Robin
3. Pulling out your nostril hairs
4. Compiling a Best of Al Snow tape
5. Banging your head against a brick wall for three hours straight
ANTI-NEWS:
“Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.”
JERRY JARRETT recently turned up at WWE HQ, which got the internet’s knickers in a twist once again. As it turns out, he was there to introduce Vince and Johnny Ace to some Russian guy called Oleg Prudius – a model with some MMA experience apparently with aspirations to be a pro-wrestler who, at over six feet tall and over three hundred pounds, will no doubt be given the opportunity. Luckily, we managed to get a picture of him…
I must break you.
Oh, okay, you can see the real photo here. Of course, the bigger story is why the hell Jarrett was there in the first place – something that apparently not even Jeff Jarrett knew about. It has nothing to do with WWE trying to secure the rights to old Memphis wrestling footage because he no longer owns it. It all stems from Jarrett feeling isolated from TNA’s recent success because, despite putting the promotion on the map, he no longer holds any actual power within the company and finds his suggestions largely ignored. He mentioned this in a conversation with Jerry Lawler, who I’m sure quickly passed it onto the McMahons, who no doubt saw a great opportunity to embarrass TNA and grabbed it with both hands. The classy thing for TNA to do would be to completely ignore this, especially on-air, and realise that they no longer actually need Jarrett (or his son, for that matter) and that they will quite easily survive the loss of a bulky Russian guy with no wrestling experience who will probably just wind up re-enacting Rocky IV with Nunzio on Velocity anyway.
***
“Fuck it! Yes! That’s your answer for everything! Tattoo it on your forehead!”
There has finally been a deal struck to develop a TNA VIDEOGAME with Midway, who made the old WWF WrestleMania arcade game and conveniently have connections to Spike TV. Apparently, the game will be available for PS2 and Xbox (or at least, whatever versions of those consoles are around next year) and will have Ultimate X and Monster’s Ball match options. If they can find enough button combinations to get all of A.J. Styles’ moves into the game then I’ll be mightily impressed.
By the way, I think that this makes Raven the only wrestler to appear in WWE, WCW, ECW and TNA video games. It’s a curious honour, but pretty cool.
***
“I could be just sitting at home with pee stains on my rug.”
KANYON has updated his website with a full explanation of what happened with his recent arrest for ‘disorderly conduct’. It’s certainly an interesting read and a good insight into his real character. Plus, it involves an element of shoe-throwing, which is always good for any story. It seems that he stepped in to break-up a rather unfair 5-on-1 fight, one of the assailants then hit the girlfriend of the guy they were beating up, and then Kanyon saw red and chased this guy down the street and into some club, by which time the cops turned up and both of them were taken to jail. The whole thing seems grossly unfair but respect is due to Kanyon for doing the right thing and for not regretting it despite getting screwed over. I’d give him extra added bonus respect if he was yelling “Who betta than Kanyon?!” whilst being arrested.
***
“Keep your ugly f*ckin’ goldbrickin’ ass out of my beach community.”
STING is going to wrestle Shelton Benjamin on Raw!
Oh no, wait a minute… he isn’t.
Watching the knee-jerk reactions of the internet is hilarious. The best one was when Raw was in Montreal a few months ago and so many people were just so sure that Bret Hart was going to be there. Sheesh. I swear those people are sitting are the computers acting like Margot Kidder on Family Guy. Just relax, guys, it’s all okay… the nice, over-the-hill Christian won’t bother your little sports-entertainment program and, hopefully, never will. That’s not because I wouldn’t like to see him make one more random appearance to hit people over the head with a baseball bat, it’s because I would love for there to be at least one major WCW star that resisted the temptation to go and work for WWE. You know that it’s pissing Vince off, which is just fabulous. Let’s face it, the only other person who had the chance to do that was Goldberg, and he caved. Besides, Shelton Benjamin has some very important work to do alongside Kerwin White as he turns into the most talented wrestler on WWE.com and wouldn’t like to be bothered by actually appearing on a televised match.
Oh, and do you know who Sting’s last opponent was? The wrestler formerly known as Billy Gunn.
Shame.
***
” That’s a great plan, Walter. That’s f*ckin’ ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It’s a Swiss f*ckin’ watch.”
MICHELLE DEIGHTON is probably not a name that you recognise but she is apparently headed to Smackdown for at least a one-off appearance. She is on some UPN show called America’s Next Top Model that is getting the proverbial blowjob push by the network (or should that be cunnilingus push?) with many of the contestants randomly appearing on various other UPN shows throughout the week beginning the 7th November. I suppose that if they pass it off as just yet another random idea of Palmer Canon’s thrown out there with little backing from Teddy Long then it won’t be that bad. After all, what model could possibly resist the lure of Super Porky and The Boogeyman, who is rapidly becoming my new guilty pleasure? If they follow their usual tendencies of overreacting to any attention from the mainstream media and try to make a big deal out of this, then I will get annoyed and start to frown with a furious vengeance before getting bored and going to the bathroom. The press release says that she is “an aspiring pro wrestler” so it wouldn’t be a surprise in the least for her to wind up lumped into something vaguely resembling a wrestling match with other such luminaries as Stacy Keibler and Christy Hemme. Honestly, they should just launch a hardcore sex brand and get it out of their system.
***
“Did you ever hear of ‘The Seattle Seven’? That was me… and six other guys.”
C.M. PUNK continues along his merry, corrosive-free way and recently put up a little Q&A session on his website that should just make you want to buy him a beer and then get embarrassed when you remember he’s sXe and then just drink it yourself and mumble something incoherent and slink away into the night, which is not a true story whatsoever, honest. Anyway, here are some choice cuts…
On the use of wrestlers’ real names…
“This is a whole giant can of worms. I blame the internet. Fans who know wrestlers real name are pretty smart. Fans who call wrestlers their real names are pretty f*ckin’ stupid. And oh look, you even know Teddys real name. Good on you. Raven once wrote the greatest rant about calling wrestlers by their real name, and I feel the same exact way. Look it up and you’ll understand why it’s insulting to me, and most other wrestlers.”
Shut up, Phil.
On gay marriage…
“Marriage is a totally out dated concept. Gay, straight, whatever. The fact that there’s a bunch of cunts out there that have an OPINION on somebody elses lifestyle and don’t want them to have the same basic human rights everybody else has makes me want to clobber some rebublicans. Fuck the religious moral majority, let whoever wants to marry whoever, get the f*ck married. I love the moral high horse hypocrisy bullshit. I know super religious pricks do tons of steroids, but a homosexual life style to them is reprehensible. Fuck that.”
Sure, but is it not a basic human right to want to make things worse for other people?
On who he wants to work with in WWE…
“My goal is to work Eddie again. Benoit is a given. I can’t wait to work HBK, HHH too. Anybody really. Selton Benjamin anyone? Yeah, i’d say there’s some great matches ahead…..Kurt Angle! Fat Trevor Murdoch!”
I got my grubby little hands on a copy of a triple threat between Punk, Eddie and Mysterio from some IWA show and, well, let’s just say that Punk had absolutely no problem in keeping up with his esteemed opponents. You wouldn’t expect him to have any problems of that kind but no doubt members of WWE management will take more convincing.
On Europe…
“As far as Europe goes, Germans don’t know how to drive. England has the most piss poor transvestites i’ve ever seen. Wales likes to throw lit cigarettes at me. I love Europe, I love the weather, I always found it a bit hard to eat properly while over there. P.S. Fuck France.”
Germans are alarmingly like their stereotypes, England is the 51st state in more ways than I care to mention, Wales used to be a real country many moons ago, and France will grudgingly accept you if you give them enough money but it’s still friendlier than Quebec. Meanwhile, the USA is crippled by a guilt it doesn’t know it has, Canada does nothing but excite me sexually, and Mexico is so going to get some.
On his favourite albums…
“In absolutely NO order, I stress again, NO ORDER. Also subject to change on a daily basis, depending on mood, weather, season, which body part I happen to be working on in the gym, and many other variables: Faith no Mores Angel Dust. Rocket from the Crypts RFTC Misfist box set (yes you crummy f*ckers, it counts). CCR choronicles vol. 1. Ice Cubes the Predator. Rancids Let’s go. Metallicas …and Justice for All. Less Than Jakes Borders and Boundries. Bouncing Souls Maniacal Laughter. The Clashs London Calling. Yes, that’s ten. And I left out SO f*cking much is insane. Hmmmm….maybe a top twenty five is in order so I don’t have to leave so much out…..Minor Threat, stray cats, motown stuff, stevie wonder, elvis B-side collection. Fuck, I could go on forever…really, really intelligent question, thank you so much.”
I certainly couldn’t pick a favourite Clash album but that’s as good a choice as any for the simple fact that it has “Train In Vain” on it, which is one of my favourite songs ever (even if they didn’t like it much). Annie Lennox did a good cover version of it too.
I’m not really sure what any of this actually has to do with wrestling news but that’s why I call this part of the column the Anti-News, it’s a nice little security blanket of irreverence that allows me to throw some random attention to specific wrestlers who deserve it. Nine times out of ten they deserve it for all the wrong reasons, as with this Buff Bagwell fellow, but there is literally not one negative thing that I can say about Punk (and believe me, I’ve tried). The man is a truly positive addition to the wrestling world, has had some of the greatest matches of all time (literally), and a genuinely charismatic persona that could shine through on the bigger stage of WWE if they would just treat him properly. Over on his blog, Punk quite proudly and quite rightly showed off recent comments by Harley Race that Punk was one of the two young wrestlers that Race would like to wrestle (the other being Trevor Murdoch… yeah, I don’t know either…). Race said that Punk was “…as gifted as Shawn Michaels was in his time… they’ll see his work is so good and they’ll forget the size thing.” You would think that a glowing reputation with ample praise from fans and peers alike, not to mention comments like that from a genuine Legend, would be enough for WWE to take Punk seriously… so why do I get the feeling that he’s more likely to wind up being Eugene’s retarded playmate than getting a proper push?
TOP 5 JUDGE REINHOLD MOVIES:
1. Fast Times At Ridgemont High
2. Gremlins
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Vice Versa
5. NetForce
EXIT SPIEL:
– The greatest comic book you will never read.
– Transformers the Movie has been reinterpreted for 2005…
– THE ROCK proves why signing autographs for fans is definitely a good idea.
– BRET HART will get his DVD released in the next month or so, and there’s a lovely trailer online to whet your appetite some more… mmm… pink…
– TRIPLE H channels the spirit of Dudleys ’97 on an unsuspecting but probably deserving fan at ringside.
– ROB BLATT defies his own intelligence in order to watch wrestling, as do we all, and we all do it well.
– KEVIN G. BUFTON just plain defies Edge, as should we all, and we should do it well.
– GORDI WHITELAW appeals to us all to just sit down, shut up and watch the match already. Any match, preferably a classic one. By the way, PWTorrents is accepting new sign-ups for the next couple of days so be sure to check them out if you haven’t already done so.
– PHIL CLARK is overwhelmed with apathy thanks to the United States Title, which is a perfectly natural reaction.
– LENNON THOMAS III makes his Inside Pulse debut and is probably rather disappointed by the direction of Rhino’s title reign…
– BAMBI WEAVIL has a f*cking awesome name and does not care for Raw at all, my good sir.
– DAVID BRASHEAR has a must-read transcript of the Ultimate Warrior’s Nitro debut from back in the day… destrucitise away, my good man.
AIM: KingKongBurnside
Iain Burnside is currently very aware of where his towel is…
