The SmarK Rant for Prison Break – Episode 9

The SmarK Rant for Prison Break – Episode Nine


“Yo, I’m gonna kill you if you come after me again.”
“Well, I guess you’ll just have to, then.”

– T-Bag demonstrates the fine art of seduction.

Mike and T-Bag have a heart-to-heart in the prison shower over T-Bag’s treatment of Cherry, as apparently the kid doesn’t enjoy being anally violated by a white supremacist serial killer. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Linc has problems of his own, as the Pope won’t grant him time away from the prison to see to Livejournal’s well-being on the outside. Man, some people are so unreasonable.

Speaking of unreasonable, Bellick is irritated with the slow progress of the PI crew, who proceed to do the Shawshank Redemption thing and smuggle out the wrecked floor one pebble at a time. The prison bus arrives with fresh meat for T-Bag, which gives Mike ample opportunity for his trademark middle distance gaze. And good thing there’s new meat, too, because Cherry hangs himself for our first death of the episode.

So out at the cabin, Veronica accidentally discovers that Nick is packing more than just a law degree in his cupboard, and he starts to turn into quite the jerk. She’s all “Hey, you’re too good to be true” and he’s all “Back off, bitch” and you can feel the passion smoldering. Well, OK, not really.

Bellick is pissed at Abruzzi because apparently his cyber-bribes haven’t been processed promptly enough, and it’s nice to know that mafia payoffs have advanced into the 21st century with the rest of the world. I guess they just break your legs in virtual reality now. The upshot is that Abruzzi will soon no longer be running PI. However, an unexpected complication (man-on-WOMAN sex in the guard room) threatens to expose the hole already dug in the room.

Speaking of holes being dug for people, Abruzzi is not only on the outs with the guards, but now the home office has demoted him from head mafia kingpin to mere Italian stereotype. Soon he’ll be reduced to cooking peppers and sausage on a hotplate at this rate. T-Bag seems to have found the perfect replacement for Cherry in the form of an even more stereotyped Eminem wannabe, although the kid will likely soon be rapping about raping.

Livejournal comes back into the story, walking the streets and evading Kellerman by hiding under a car. Cell phones continue playing almost as big a part in this show as in 24. Nick and Veronica rejoin civilization and sit down to lunch with the VP’s brother’s wife, who reveals that a lot of people actually wanted him dead.

And then the doctor goes to visit Mike’s psychiatrist, who clarifies Mike’s medium distance gazes as “low latent inhibition,” which essentially means that he’s a human supercomputer who processes every little detail of what he’s gazing at.

Kellerman keeps tracking LJ like the friggin’ Terminator or something, as he desperately calls Veronica for help and gets his call recorded by the bad guys in the process. You gotta think that his battery is close to dying, too. Also close to dying is Abruzzi’s would-be replacement, who brings new meaning to “the light is hurting my eyes” at the hands of Abruzzi and a broken light bulb. Fill in the rest yourself.

Faking out Kellerman with a phoned dumped on a false bus to the lake, LJ reunites with Nick and Veronica to join the Legal Action Squad and hopefully stave off death for another week as a result. Although considering Nick’s had a bullseye on his forehead for weeks, I don’t know how smart that is.

And finally Scofield calls T-Bag’s bluff, letting him know who’s boss and who will NOT be getting ass-raped any time soon. However, Abruzzi has less luck, as Bellick kicks him off PI duty and sends in a new crew to repair the break room instead. Michael smolders to end the show. As though he could do anything but.

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