The Double-Team Short Form, 11.03-04.05

Glad to see that people enjoyed the Taboo Tuesday Short Form. It was certainly more enjoyable than most of Taboo Tuesday, that’s for certain. And it’s good to see the state of the world, especially in regard to the Junta. The Libby indictment (hopefully to be followed soon by the Rove indictment), the possible filibuster over the right-wing tool Alito, Dubbaya’s mere presence causing violent rioting in Argentina, and Jimmy Carter, Nobel Peace Prize Winner (take that, GOP f*ckers), saying that the Junta is full of conniving liars. If we can only tie them into the riots in France, everything will be perfect.

Look, it’s either talking about the Junta or talking about Prince Charles wearing Mardi Gras beads. If there’s one man on Earth who shouldn’t be wearing Mardi Gras beads, it’s Prince Charles. Although I’m surprised the Prince’s handlers missed the one thing that could have cemented what the triumphal procession is all about: gaining popularity for Godzilla. If said Duchess of Cornwall had whipped out her tits to get beads…instant worldwide popularity for her, instant image enhancement for the Royal Family, a sign that New Orleans can indeed come back to what it was…everyone wins, except those who saw Godzilla’s tits.

And I have no idea how to transition out of that into Smackdown and the two-hour Impact special except by using the obvious tit/Jarrett comparison. Life as a writer is difficult sometimes, you know. So let’s just get at it…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Rey-Rey y Matt Hardy over Christian and High-Quality Speaker Boy (Pinfall, Hardy pins Christian, Twist of Fate): Normally, I’d just file this away in the “Camera Time For The Boys” file, except for one thing: this was Christian’s Last Match. If I say bad things about it, the retards will come out with their “UR DISUNG XIAN, MEENIE!!1!111!” mails. So, in order to avoid the imbeciles, I will remain quiet about it and simply wish Christian well in his future endeavors. I’ve said in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum that Japan may be the best place for him, and TNA has given me nothing to alter that opinion, especially after the special.

This is definitely a disturbing image

Now would be a good time to remember all the great matches these two were involved in, wouldn’t it?

The four-wrestler pileup on the Santa Monica Freeway slowed traffic for hours

They’re fighting over who gets to haze CM Punk when he gets to Smackdown

Yeah, that’s what I want my last memory of Christian to be: having the referee hit his finisher on him. Followed by both opponents doing the same.

Our Lord and Savior over Chocolate Christ, US Title Match (COR): We know this by now. In fact, we’ve known this for years. Benoit and Booker are incapable of having a bad match against each other. This held true yet again. Technically proficient, well-paced, the usual. The ending even works in this context because it’ll build up to a nice match at SurSer between them. Nothing offensive, nice to have around. Definitely a Fettucine Alfredo match.

No matter how many times we’ve seen it…

Roddy Piper over Bob Orton (DQ, Dorkboy-ference): Hey, whaddaya know? This wasn’t atrocious (until Dorkboy came in, that is). This is one reason I’ve been a proponent of a Legends Survivor Series Match. There are certainly ten of them that can still go for a bit in the ring. They won’t be asked to do much; it’s purely for the sake of nostalgia. They were never high-flying guys to begin with (with Steamer being the exception, and he wouldn’t want to risk his back). And it won’t stink. Just as long as Dorkboy, the retard, and Conway are left out of it, I’d be fine with it.

Bob Orton continues to set new standards in quality ring wear

Bobby Lashley over Big Vito and Nunzio, Handicrap Match (Pinfall, Lashley pins Nunzio, Lashlight/Dominator/whatever): Do The Right Thing, only with wrestling. Spike Lee probably had a hard-on while watching this one. Well, at least they’re doing the right thing with Lashley. Expect a program with Booker soon now that Booker’s gone full heel.

Like an ant trying to mount an elephant

Nunzio finally realizes that he was Cruiserweight champion for a couple months recently

FudgePacker over Scotty Go Potty (Pinfall, FudgePacker Flip): Next.

Normally I don’t mind anyone kicking the shit out of Scotty, but in this case, I’ll make an exception

Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro over DAVE and EDUARDO, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Nitro pins Guerrero, small package): Oh, my God…this was just…well, there’s only one word for it: boring. That pretty much describes it right there. You’ve got four guys in there who are a lot of things, but one thing they’re not is boring. Yet they can produce a match like this. The match was over half restholds, the international-object-assisted victory…just downright dull. That’s a bigger sin than being awful in the ring. An awful match at least has its moments of entertainment. This was remarkably amusement-free. Just because Smackdown is supposedly better than Raw right now doesn’t mean that it needs its improvements too.

I’m a sucker for the “double clothesline out of the ring” spot

When the day is done, Eddy will be ranked right up there with Flair among the greatest cheaters of all time

Guerrero demonstrates why you should always wear underwear beneath your tights

For those of you who have made comparisons between Batista and Luger in the past, I forgive you

Angle Developments:

Power Couple: They’re going off of an obvious template here with Booker and Paisley: they’re Trip and Steph with more melanin. I don’t mind that, really. After four and a half years of misuse, I’ve reached the Machiavellian point when it comes to Booker’s booking. Anything to get him over and keep him over is fine with me. If it’s via the wife route, I don’t care. Paisley has been around wrestling long enough that she knows what she’s doing, and she’s been good on the mic since WCW. She’s an enhancement, not a drawback like Steph was (or Lita is for Edge). So keep doing it for as long as they can get away with it.

Meet the Huffmans

Oh, come on, Bisch, you’ve booked worse gimmicks than this

THE TWO-HOUR IMPACT SPECIAL SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Jeffykins, Sabu, and Lance Hoyt over Simon Diamond, David Young, and Elix Skipper (Pinfall, Hardy pins Skipper, Swanton): Jeffykins was involved in the match. Jeffykins got the pin. Why in the name of hell is he being pushed? Why in the name of hell does he exist? You know, it’s statements like these that make me think that I have no female readers whatsoever. I hate Jeffykins, I hate his brother, I hate Cena, I hate Orton…okay, I love Batista. Maybe that’ll help me make inroads into the Vaginal Demographic.

Lance Hoyt tries out for “A Chorus Line”

Supposedly, David Young is a bouncer at a gay club in Atlanta. So the sight of Jeff Hardy’s ass should be normal for him.

You wouldn’t expect Jeffykins to be a top

Monty Brown over Brian Gamble (Pinfall, Pounce): Yes, another patented Monty Squash Match. But you know what? We get off on them. Admit it, folks, we do. We love seeing Monty squash jobbers and no-hopers. Fortunately, this trend will continue at Another Phil Collins-Related PPV when he turns Jeffykins into a smear on the road. Just don’t stop at three Pounces. In fact, I’ll pledge a thousand bucks per Pounce on Jeffykins above the three he did on the special to Monty’s favorite charity (which, undoubtedly, is himself). I want to see Jeffykins puke blood.

Spike TV presents: “You My Bitch, White Boy”!

A. J. Styles, Sonjay Dutt, and Austin Aries over Christopher Daniels, Alex Shelley, and Samoa Joe (Pinfall, Styles pins Shelley, Styles Clash): Take a gander at Willside’s Top 50 this year and note this:

A. J. Styles – #1
Christopher Daniels – #4
Samoa Joe – #13
Austin Aries – #36
Sonjay Dutt – #37
Alex Shelley – #41

All six men involved in this match were ranked, and I made a case to Burnside for putting Daniels at #3 ahead of Shawn Michaels, but that’s neither here nor there. This match was expected to be great, and, goddamn, it was. It was beyond great, definitely going past the four-snowflake mark. All six guys were completely on and were totally comfortable in the ring. The match booking was superb. It was only ten minutes, but seemed to last double that time (a good thing). And you know what? None of them did anything out of the ordinary for them. This was just an average day at the office. Sometimes, we can get really f*cking spoiled.

So, does it beat out Michaels/Benjy as Best Free TV Match Of The Year? No. It wasn’t given the time it deserved, and as a result, the match was a little choppy at times. But this deserves a repeat, and is sort of getting it at Another Phil Collins-Related PPV with the Survivor Ser…oops, eight-man elimination match. If that match does what this one does given PPV time, we not only have a Match of the Night, but an MotYC.

What the f*ck is up with Shelley’s cap?

Austin Aries is quickly becoming What Made Milwaukee Famous

You just know that Undertaker would never allow Dutt to do this if Dutt came to WWE

It’s like a man among boys in there, isn’t it?

Admit it: Styles and Daniels are now at the point that Benoit and Guerrero were a decade ago in regard to competing against each other. And if we get another decade of seeing them together in the ring, I, for one, will be happy.

If we can’t get another decade of Styles and Daniels, I’ll take a decade of Styles and Joe as a substitute, thank you

Fallen Angel, meet Flying Aries

Insert Busby Berkley or gay porn joke here

Look, I don’t care if it’s A. J. Motherf*ckin’ Styles or not, that’s still got to scare the shit out of you

Memo To Christopher Daniels and Samoa Joe: Please note who you’re in the ring with. This is NOT the time to argue.

The ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley and the ex-D-Von Dudley over Bobby Roode and Eric Young (Pinfall, the ex-Buh Buh Ray pins Young, 3-D): Okay, I’ll give this match some props. It had the best combo of Team Canada in there. They kept outside interference to a minimum. But…well, it was decent, but it had to follow up the six-man X Division Match and be followed up by Ultimate X. It was inconsequential and lightweight (despite the presence of Mistah LoMonica, who’s put on a few pounds lately). A venial sin only.
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I will say this: for a big guy, Bobby Roode’s pretty damn quick

“Calling your shot” doesn’t have the same impact in wrestling as in baseball

It’s a little-known provision in NAFTA that Eric Young has to do an occasional impersonation of Rey Misterio

Having the overhead camera available for Ultimate X doesn’t mean you have to use it for every match

Gee, Mark’s put on a little weight recently, hasn’t he?

Petey Williams over Chris Sabin and Matt Bentley, Ultimate X Number One Contenders’ Match: You know, if this wasn’t a total redo of the mess that occurred at Bound For Glory, I think it would have been received better. As it was, it was not only anti-climactic, but also…well, pretty dull compared to other Ultimate X matches. It was almost as if the boys resented the fact that their big moment got f*cked to hell, and they didn’t have the mental energy to do it over again, or for that matter, the desire. The “assisted hurracanrana” was a nifty move, but nothing really stuck out other than the negatives. Bentley really didn’t sell the Cradle Shock very well, for instance. People are saying that Ultimate X needs a bit of a rest, and I’m inclining to agree with them. Give it about six months or so before the next one, please.

Bentley attempts to show the audience the meaning of the term “Canadian bacon”

There apparently aren’t enough “upskirt” websites to satisfy Petey Williams

Being Shawn Michaels’ cousin, Matt Bentley knows a thing or two about breaking vertebrae

After being the victim of that spinning neckbreaker by Bentley, Sabin has to prove that he can injure necks as well

Being a student of D’Amoron, Williams has obviously had his head in men’s crotches before

And all everyone is thinking is “Please, don’t let the X fall again”

The beginning of the now-famous “assisted hurracanrana”

Oh, we really didn’t need to see this, did we?

Jeff Jarrett over Rhiyno, NWA World Title Match (Pinfall, Stroke, New NWA World Champion): Okay, I’m going to echo everyone else who’s written about this one ever since the spoilers came out: do they really not want us to give a shit about the NWA title? Yes, it was a cynical move to put it on Rhiyno in the first place, to try to salvage something out of the collective disasters of Bound For Glory. But just because you’ve been snakebit for one night doesn’t mean you have to try to get everything back to status quo as soon as possible. Rhiyno could have made a for a good titleholder for a bit of time; he’s got the mark cred and the pops to justify it. Putting the strap back on Jarrett, especially with a PPV coming up in which the title isn’t going to be defended anyway, is absolutely asinine.

Right now, the only way to get some credibility back into the belt, from both a mark and smart standpoint, is to give it to the one guy that everyone, regardless of awareness of the business or opinion of product, wants to get it: Monty Brown. The problem is that I don’t see him getting it until at least January, which would be a mistake. In the meantime, we have to wait. But how much longer are people going to want to wait? TNA has to see the results of Jarrett holding the belt, regardless of his ownership position in the company. Spike certainly sees the results; TNA drew another .9 for the special, virtually the same as their ratings on Saturday night. They’ve got two more prime time specials coming up next month. It’s the perfect time to do a title switch, especially that “first wrestling match of 2006” idea that’s floating about. It’s not that we want it to be done, which we do; it’s that it HAS to be done now after this bullshit.

Jarrett demonstrates the principle of “Not A Good Idea”

No matter how much you want to pretend otherwise, the Bingo Hall did not relocate to Orlando

If Jarrett goes for the 619, I’m going to throw my monitor out the window

Oh, just get rid of the f*cking overhead camera

So, the ex-Dudleys don’t get to use a table, but AMW does. That sure points out the pecking order in TNA.

Angle Developments:

With only a little more than a week to go to Another Phil Collins-Related PPV, they’ve already got seven matches or so set, and thus no need for any type of angle development outside of the ring. Pre-planning is a good thing.

The first and last ECW World Champions. This picture alone should be enough to get Vince off his dead ass and work on Heyman’s contract extension.

The first, last, and most popular ECW World Champions. This picture alone should be enough to get Vince a bit of sanity and not low-ball Benoit.

That covers that for this week. Next week, it’s back to Tuesday for me as I suffer along with all of you. Pity me.