Holiday Films According to ML Kennedy

All right, so I got the holiday movie part of this here end of month feature. I’m gonna start off with the Christmas movies because, frankly, when an American says “happy holidays,” what they really mean is “merry Christmas.” They only say, “happy holidays” to avoid pissing off any nearby Buddhists for, as we all know, 7 out of 8 Buddhists are secretly ninjas.

So at any rate the first five out of ten will be Christmas flicks.

Deal.

Christmas Flicks

White Christmas

First on the list, is White Christmas. Apparently, everybody I know says that you have to be a communist not to love this movie. Even the communists tell me that thing. I also know that I get smacked for suggesting that this is just an inferior remake of Holiday Inn with Danny Kaye filling in for Fred Astaire. So, if you too are of that opinion, it might be best to keep it in your snood.


Gremlins
What? Of course it counts! You’ve got the touching story of Pheobe Cates’s dad pretending to be Santa. You’ve got a cautionary tale about taking care of pets. (They’re not just gifts, you know?) It also teaches children not to trust things that are cute.

And what Jaws did for going to the beach, Gremlins did for… umm… micro-waving stuff, I guess.


The MST3K version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Why? Because it contains the most ACTION PACKED Christmas Carol ever!

Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
We’ll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
We’ll decorate a barstool and gather round and sing.
Oh, let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
Or we’ll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!
It’s my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar.
I’ll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
I think that that right jolly old elf had better make out his will oh!
Oh, let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest…
this can be the laziest…
This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them ALL!!”

Plus, everything is better in space.


Die Hard
It’s got a Christmas soundtrack. It takes place during a Christmas party. It’s about a man struggling to keep his family together in the face of marital strife. What could be a better holiday film than Die Hard? I think the following line sums up the true meaning of Christmas, quite eloquently: “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.”


Silent Night, Deadly Night
Nothing says Christmas better than an orphan abused by nuns as a child going on a killing spree while dressed up as Santa Claus. You see Santa Claus tonight, you better run boy. You better run for your life!

Non-Christmas


Life of Brian
A complex historical analysis of Jesus’s neighbor Brian, it is therefore the perfect film to view on an Easter morning while the rest of those saps are in church. Growing up, my priest would occasionally drink all of the communion wine himself. He was also known to deliver his homily with the assistance of androgynous hand puppets. Most masses nowadays don’t have nearly enough drunken priests or puppets. I can’t be bothered by these things.

I think it was “Blessed are the cheesemakers”.

Aha, what’s so special about the cheesemakers?
Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.


Halloween
Doy. This is an obvious choice. It requires no explanation. I’m offended that you would ask for one. I say good day, sir!


Groundhog Day
A perfect way to celebrate the holiday of Veteran’s Day. It is also the film that best understands how Bill Murray should be used. Although, it does feature gratuitous Andie MacDowell. That’s kinda staring us in the face, isn’t it?

It takes a lot of willpower for me not to call this film Groundhog’s day. Apparently there is no apostrophe then s. Who knew?


Leprechaun 4: In Space
As previously stated, “everything is better in space.” It makes the Irish part of me proud to declare this the greatest St. Patrick’s Day film of human history. Plus it is always good to see more starring roles for midgets.

Finally

I have saved the best for last. The greatest holiday film of all time happens to be a thanksgiving tradition. After a nice big turkey meal, everybody takes their own bottle of champagne, sits around the cozy living room, gets schnockered and watches,


Phantoms

Now, some folk say, “Affleck the bomb in Phantoms.” Others are more content to state, “Phantoms like a motherf*cker yo.” Others simply mumble quietly in the corner, and can be heard on occasion proclaiming, “No bodies, no graves!”

But no matter which position you take, nothing is better after Thanksgiving dinner than a little ham and cheese.