Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Instant Live, which uses the power of technology to make limited edition live recordings available just minutes after a concert, with recordings of unparalleled clarity and atmosphere. So you can yell out “BOOBS” really loud during a quiet part in the show and then buy the CD and tell all your friends it was you!
I feel like absolute ass in a can. It all started with a scratchy throat on Wednesday at the Bauhaus show (which I was going to review, but I think Lucard covered it pretty well), which wasn’t very meddlesome (the throat, not the show). For the next two days, I was able to keep the impending infirmity at bay with massive amounts of Sudafed, vitamin C, echinacea, zinc, ibuprofen, and whatever else I had in the medicine cabinet. Then, on late Friday night, just after having dinner with my girlfriend, my nasal cavities sealed up. It happened just as we were getting into the car, and they haven’t opened up since, rendering me a full-blown mouth-breather for the past 18 hours. When I woke up on Saturday morning, I was subjected to the full-on assault of the flu. So, as a result, you are getting a much more heavily medicated Jeff Fernandez than usual. w00t!
Speaking of flu, the last time the White Sox won the World Series, in 1917, it was followed by one of the worst flu pandemics ever, and it happened to be avian flu. Should history repeat itself, this is something I’m willing to deal with in exchange for the Sox winning the World Series again.
This is the second straight time that I’ve missed a Saturday Swindle Sheet because I was working on The Human Guinea Pig. Along with my associate editor duties (sorry about those main page top stories again, Fingers… I’m stupid) and the aforementioned food column, I have been riddled with work for my two primary jobs, and will more than likely be starting a weekly DJing gig once again. Oops…
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (ONE PLANTED LIE EDITION)
Shawn M. Smith continues with the Kevin Federline stalemate, rips on The Afghan Hound, was the creator of the milk mustache ads which he got the idea for after he dropped a load of choad on somebody’s lips, and calls upon you all to throw up the shocker in order to fight the man.
That_Bootleg_Guy has a link of me linking him linking me betwixt The Friday Music News Bootleg and The Human Guinea Pig. He also goes into detail about his East Coast tour, which was a relative success. He later followed it up with an impromptu tour of Japan, where he was treated like a god, because Japanese people love black people, especially when they look like Ken Griffey Jr. with gigantism.
Mathan Erhardt, who legally changed his name from Also S. Zarathustra in 1993, has been trying to save money amid the astronomical costs of moving, and he’s got a list of hip-hop albums that he plans to pick up once he’s recovered from his moving costs. The worst part of all of this is that I was unaware that any of these albums had been released, and actually plan on buying three of them once I get a chance to do anything but eat, sleep, work, take the occasional dump, and write columns. More on this story as it develops…
DP Wieland lists a bunch of mushy love songs, and also vents on Britney Spears. Something you might not know about DP Wieland is that he is actually half-cyborg. Don’t believe it? Well, I did plant one lie in every single one of these plugs. Is that the lie, or is the real lie this… that DP Wieland is not half-cyborg?
Gloomchen thinks that Crazy Frog sucks. I hope that whomever the trouser stain is that created Crazy Frog gets mauled by a pack of angry chimpanzees. That’s right, chimpanzees. They can get really angry. Will we ever see Summertime Blues, News, and Views again? In other news, HP Sauce is not a popular brown sauce produced in Aston, Birmingham, England.
Kyle David Paul starts his column with a hyphen-point outline, which makes me feel like I’m reading Wikipedia. I love Wikipedia. KDP has never rolled a 20-sided die. KDP eats Rayovac batteries for breakfast. KDP can recite Homer Simpson better than he can recite Keats, along with Elliot. I, for one, can recite Elliot quite well…
They fired Aaron Cameron and I took over.
ASCAP’s Rhythm and Soul Music Awards will be honoring Jay-Z and Rick James on June 28. Fuck you for seeing Rick James’s name and thinking of the Dave Chapelle skit. You are not cutting-edge or clever just because you can reference a lame comedy sketch. Stop saying it.
when it comes to freebies, I’m all over it (did I mention I’m Jewish?)
Mandy Moore is no Michelle Branch, but she’s up there. Damn you Andy Roddick.
Clearly when I am 40, nothing will stop me from buying, downloading, or listening to the music of the current hip young artist of the time, who for argument’s sake will be called Michelliot Smilobranch…
I immediately played a dynasty as the Yankees. I moved their entire team to AA and moved their AA team to the bigs. I simmed them to a 0-75 record, before taking pity and leading the minor leaguers to win over the Red Sox. Then I deleted the dynasty.
J-Lo married Marc Anthony. Bullshit.
Rapper Trick Daddy will not have to go to prison, after pleading guilty to cocaine and weapons charges. Instead, he will have three years probation, and will make appearances at high schools to talk about the dangers of guns, AIDS, drugs, and violence. He will also have to co-star with Adam Sandler in Anger Management II.
Jamie Cullum is supposed to be the jazz savior of the year. Have fun f*cker.
Fire Theft lead singer, former Sunny Day Real Estate member, and Eric Katz masturbation fantasy Jeremy Enigk has gotten sick and cannot sing at the moment.
The Pixies Sold Out (of tickets)
So here’s the thing. I love those underage Russian tennis players. I just love them.
El retardo hombre, se llama Eugene
In case you missed it, last week I did a guest appearance in Jeff Fernandez’s column where I listed a bunch of chill-out songs. I did not appreciate the fact that his teaser put “Worst songs ever” next to “Elliot Smilowitz on the Jukebox” however.
flea doesnt read anyone but his ass-buddy hyatte
NEWS TO USE
Jadakiss and Styles P., of The Lox, recently stated that the rap group would refuse to record another album for Interscope, which owns the Ruff Ryders imprint, due to mounting tensions with management. The two also added that they would not be releasing any more solo albums on Interscope, either, with Styles telling reporters, “They doing so much bullshit to us, and it’s like you can’t do nothing. It’s like you work at a real job like at [a grocery store] and you notice the conditions ain’t suitable for you and you ain’t really getting nowhere.” The group said that they would be open to recording for underground mixtapes, and doing cameos on other albums, although they added that Interscope would probably not clear such appearances. Instead, Jadakiss and Styles said that they’d be focusing more on production with their D-Block imprint, which includes their protÃƒÂ©gÃƒÂ©, J-Hood. A major stumbling block, according to the rappers, is 50 Cent, who has apparently gained major stroke at Interscope over the past few years, even referring to himself as Curtis “Interscope” Jackson (coughTripleHhack). 50 Cent is allegedly responsible for Styles’ album, Time Is Money, being repeatedly pushed back, as it still has no official release date despite the fact that it was finished nearly two years ago. While 50 Cent has claimed that he had nothing to do with the album’s release date being bollixed up as it has, he later told a radio talk show host that “the [Interscope] building leans when I lean.” While the feud between Jadakiss and 50 Cent is well known, 50 Cent has reportedly said that he would like to collaborate with Jadakiss and release a new Jadakiss album on G-Unit, which Jadakiss said he would vehemently refuse to do. In a related story, I recently pulled these statements off of some random message boards and sites…
50 cent looks like a muscle face dog.
I wish [NBA Live] had a headshape of a [edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003)] cause 50 cent looks like a [edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003)].
Who Here thinks 50 cent looks like a chipmunk?
50 cent looks like my great grandmother. sure ladies, you would have thought he was fine before he got successful. I could put a bag of shredded cheese on TV, give it its own video, and a number one record, and a tattoo, and there are women who would swear that bag of monterey jack was their future husband.
– And yes it’s unfair to criticise only black people for disrupting cinema screenings, and no there is no justification for anyone using the ‘n’ word (under any circumstance). BUT I have to disagree that it’s racist to say 50 Cent looks like [edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003), although it was previously a reference to the title character in a 1933 movie, who battled a pterodactyl on Skull Island]. He kind of does.
– Lots of people look like simians. I’ll trade you “50 Cent looks like [edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003), although its was previously a reference to the title character in a 1933 movie, who battled a pterodactyl on Skull Island]” for “George Bush looks like Curious George.”
Who thinks 50 Cent looks like a walking black penis?
50 Cent looks like Something Patrick Ewing shat out after an excessive Taco Bell run.
50 Cent looks like a cross between a [edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003)] and Fantastic Four’s The Thing on his “Candy Shop” video…
50 Cent looks like just another post-2Pac thug wallowing in Dionysian excess and gangsta nihilism.
50 cent looks like an [edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003)] and Ja [Rule] looks like a catfish.
HA! A catfish! Classic!
According to Michael Jackson’s abusive asshole father, Joe Jackson, and his attorneys, the accused and acquitted child molester will more than likely declare permanent residency out of the United States. Jackson has been living in the Middle Eastern nation of Bahrain since shortly after his acquittal, when he received numerous death threats at the Neverland Ranch in Los Olivos, Calif. “He’ll come back to visit, but not to stay, not to live. … They didn’t treat him right here. I know if I was him, I wouldn’t come back,” Joe Jackson told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “Then again, in Bahrain, behavior including stripping naked and curling up in a fetal position inside of a cardboard castle while having a 12-year-old boy urinate on your face as a naked Verne Troyer throws peeled grapes at your buttocks is not only tolerated, but encouraged.”
Eric “E-Smoove” Miller, a Chicago-based DJ/producer who was sued by Kanye West earlier in the year for allegedly distributing some of West’s unreleased material without his consent, has filed a countersuit against the Grammy-winning rapper/producer. Miller claims that contrary to West’s assertion, the two did in fact have a contract, giving Miller’s Focus Music Group co-ownership of 10 songs from the mid-1990s. Attorneys for Kanye West retorted by saying that the two had never made such an agreement, that West had never signed such a contract, and that Miller had fabricated his signature. While West’s lawsuit seeks around $1.3 million and a cease-and-desist on Miller’s distribution of the songs, Miller is asking for $10.48 million plus any profits gained from the songs that he supposedly co-owns. Kayne West responded by saying that Eric “E-Smoove” Miller doesn’t care about black people and that Hurricane Rita was Lil Jon’s fault. Well, he’s certainly half-correct on that.
While touring Jerusalem on Sunday, Phil Collins said that he would definitely be a lock for a Genesis reunion, even offering to man the drums so that Peter Gabriel could sing. “If it doesn’t happen, it won’t be because we don’t want to. It will just be because there are too many things in the way,” Collins told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “We’re all still good friends. We spent like 30 or 25 years of our life in the same office. … Just because we don’t play in the same band anymore doesn’t mean we don’t see each other and enjoy each other’s company. Except for that choad Steve Hackett. He can burn in Hell. Oh, he knows why…”
Paul McCartney is scheduled to broadcast two songs from his concert in Anaheim to an international space station that is currently circling Earth. He is scheduled to play “English Tea,” a newer song, and either “Good Day Sunshine” or “Back in the USSR” for Bill McArthur and Valery Tokarev, while a third astronaut, John “xXxBLeeDCorExXx” Blazina, will instead be listening to the As I Lay Dying playlist on his iPod, because “Paul McCartney is the ultimate SUCK!!1!”
NASA astronaut John “xXxBLeeDCorExXx” Blazina thinks that Paul McCartney is a real bore, and that hoodies and gaudy oversize nautical star belt buckles are really rad.
Singer Chuck Berry has filed a lawsuit against three different karaoke music distributors (UAV Corp., Madacy Entertainment, and Top Tunes Inc.) after he alleges that they produced instrumental versions of several of his songs without his consent. The 79-year-old “rock ‘n’ roll pioneer,” who sang such 1950s hits as “Johnny B. Goode,” “Maybellene,” and “Roll Over Beethoven,” and owns the publishing rights to his entire catalogue, is expected to be rewarded several hundred dollars for each song that was improperly used by the companies.
One-hit-wonder Shawn Colvin is the new voice for GlaxoSmithKline, who produces several antidepressants, among other medications. She recently admitted that she had a relapse of depression at age 30, but isn’t the least bit embarrassed about it, and would like to help others get treatment for their depression by being a spokesperson. I personally overcame years of depression by taking substantial amounts of antidepressants and staring at this while waiting for them to kick in. Vive la difference!
Ryan Key, lead singer of pop-punk band Yellowcard, recently made a statement aimed at fans who were upset over the departure of the band’s popular guitarist, Ben Harper (no relation with the folk-rock singer of the same name). “This whole thing has been extremely difficult for our band, and there’s debate whether or not it’s even Yellowcard anymore because a founding member is no longer in the band,” Key stated. “And I know that some people want the band they know and the members they know and love, but we just couldn’t make it happen. And I know that a lot of people seem to think they know how everything went down, but unless you’re in Yellowcard, you really don’t understand.” The truth of the matter is that you don’t want to be in Yellowcard, because they suck at music and life, and receiving head from 14-year-old groupies is not all it’s cracked up to be. Really, it’s not.
After being freed from prison last August, following a yearlong sentence on federal weapons charges, rapper Beanie Sigel has been sentenced by a Philadelphia Family Court judge to another six months, this time for backed child support. He can get out earlier if he pays $27,000 to two different baby mamas, along with $2,000 in fines.
Britney Spears’ upcoming album, B in the Mix: The Remixes, is slated for a Nov. 22 release, much to the bedazzlement of gay men, gay DJs, straight DJs who spin at gay clubs, and straight men who are secretly gay but refer to themselves as “metrosexuals.”
In other 50 Cent news, a screening of his new movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin’ spawned a sizable donnybrook at a mall in Providence, R.I. More than 150 people begun pushing and shoving each other while waiting in line for the movie, causing Providence police to be dispatched to break it up.
Bert McCracken, lead singer of The Used, recently implied that he had some beef with Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. The only way to solve this problem is to have them fight to the death in a cage suspended above a volcano, and the winner would be dropped into the volcano with the cage. Everybody wins then.
Kelly Clarkson thought that her Sept. 4 show at the Greek Theatre at UC Berkeley was not up to par, due to her suffering the early stages of bronchitis, so she has offered a free concert to ticket holders from that show. The concert will take place Dec. 21 at the HP Pavilion in nearby San Jose, Calif.
Justin Timberlake launched his William Rast clothing line on Thursday night at Bloomingdale’s in Los Angeles. He had a similar unveiling last week in New York and I can’t f*cking believe I’m covering this story. Must be the drugs.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
Sia – Colour the Small One
Whether from the recent Six Feet Under soundtrack or from her unmistakable vocal work with chill-out champions Zero 7, Sia’s star is on the rise. Her song “Breathe Me” has become an instant sensation, setting the stage for her full-length album Colour the Small One. A mesmerizing collection of heartfelt, deeply personal songs, the album captures Sia’s many sidesÃ¢â‚¬â€at once soulful, somber and playful.
Radio stations everywhere have gotten firmly behind “Breathe Me” and even MTV has joined the party, selecting “Breathe Me” for their ‘Spankin’ New Music Week’ happening right now! Tune into MTV (yea, the original!) all week for on-air features and of course, the unforgettable “Breathe Me.”
Stay tuned for more music and news as we get set for Sia in ’06.
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
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Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
After the Fire, “Der Komissar”
Kajagoogoo, “Too Shy”
Soul Coughing, “Super Bon Bon”
LL Cool J, “Going Back to Cali”
Dr. Dooom, “Leave Me Alone”
Talk Talk, “It’s My Life”
Spandau Ballet, “True”
Bel Biv Devoe, “Poison”
Genesis, “Land of Confusion”
Future Sound of London, “While Others Cry”
Elvis Presley, “It’s Now or Never”
Billy Idol, “White Wedding (Part 1)”
The Sisters of Mercy, “Temple of Love”
Praga Khan, “Visions and Imaginations”
Van Halen, “Hot for Teacher”
Elvis Costello and the Attractions, “Watching the Detectives”
Rahzel, “All I Know”
BT, “Flaming June” (BT & PVD Edit)
Dio, “Rainbow in the Dark”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Real-life scumbag Joey Buttafuoco will play a scummy maÃƒÂ®tre d’hotel in Ashanti’s upcoming video for her new single, “Still On It,” a song that will featured on her new “remix” album, Collectables by Ashanti, available Dec. 6. Reporting on this story did nothing to help my already horrible state.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m takin’ what they’re givin’ ’cause I’m workin’ for a livin’.