So it’s no secret that hip-hop sucks right now.
And by ‘right now’ I mean since 1998.
Every time I’m absolutely certain that it’s scraped the bottom of the good taste barrel, it goes and digs itself another sub-basement…
I’m afraid to turn on the television or leave my house. I don’t want to be the victim of a drive-by cooning.
But like I said, its no secret, actually, its not even a new phenomenon. I’ll even go as far as to say that there was a time when negro music was worse than this.
Worse? What? Worse than Young Jeezy?
Yup.
Worse than Lil Scrappy?
Yes.
Ok…Worse than Mike Jones??!??
Yes. Worse than Paul Wall, Chingy and even 50…
Oh don’t act like you forgot, it wasn’t that long ago…
Still playing dumb, eh?
Does this ring a bell?
Three words…
New…Jack…Swing.
Just when you thought that garbage was a new invention, travel with me back to an age of polka dots, dookey braids and Africa medallions…
Let’s set our time travel coordinates to 1988…Some call this the golden year of hip-hop history, when groups like EPMD, Boogie Down Productions, and Eric B. and Rakim hit the scene. But lets not act as if all of us were backspinning, beat boxing, and pop locking back then. Somebody was buying all of them Color Me Badd records, and not all of them lived in the ‘burbs. (I didn’t buy it, but I thought it was cool. My excuse: I was eight years old.)
In an effort to give us some hope that this current era may one day be behind us, Lets remind ourselves of all the people that we hoped we’d never have to think about again…
This Too Shall Pass: The Dark Ages of Hip-Hop
This first one’s gonna hurt. When I remembered is name, my spine twisted in shame and anguish. Why? Because I remember really liking this dude…
The one and only…RedHead Kingpin and the F.B.I.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a color picture. I really want you to know how red his hair was.
Biggest Hits: “Pump it Hottie”, “Do the Right Thing”
What I remember: Doing the Roger Rabbit to their videos…all two of them.
What stands out now: How the song “Do the Right Thing” which was the lead single from the soundtrack of the Spike Lee film, completely missed the point. And how different of an era it must have been if it was okay to name your group after the Feds.
…and how he low-key pioneered the suit jacket thing…
Speaking of suits…how about these dapper young gentlemen…
The ingeniously named pre-teen quartet, The Boys
Biggest Hits: “Crazy”, “Thank You”, and the indomitable “Dial My Heart”
What I remember: getting super-hyped when they did their trademark simultaneous back flip on stage, how the tall one always looked embarrassingly older than the rest of them, and how people used to tease me for looking like the one on the left…
…here’s a picture of me from around the same time…
…I guess maybe they had a point…
What stands out now: Four little awkward lookin’, big nosed muslim boys on TV in 2005? Hayle Naw!…
…And B2K might stand for Boys 2000.
The Boys have now become the “Suns of Light” and currently reside in Gambia, West Africa…seriously.
So much for the well-mannered little nice guys, what of the other side of the coin? Were there any singing groups of pre-pubescent sex symbols?
Glad you asked…
ABC otherwise known as…Another Bad Creation
Biggest Hits: “Iesha”, “Playground”, and “Jealous Girl”
What I remember: Thinking these were the six or eight coolest dudes ever, especially “Red”, cause he was named after a color. I knew every word to “Playground”, and the line, “Take ro-ro, he’s the youngest/Girls jock him cause he bench press…” made me really wanna hit the gym…when I was ten. They also had a dude who didn’t sing but yelled shit all through the songs, I didn’t know what the hell a hype man was, so he just got on my nerves.
What stands out now: they spent an awful lot of time without shirts. They had a song about Spiderman that I guess they didn’t clear with marvel ’cause they spelled it “Spydermann” like he was jewish. And I just found out that this rubbish was produced by Dallas Austin, further proof that people can do all kinds of fowl shit before they get good at something.
And some people just make trash their whole career. Just ask this next guy…
The self proclaimed architect of the Swingbeat movement…
Mr. Groove Me himself…Teddy Riley
What I remember: nothing at all. I didn’t know much, but I knew enough to avoid him or any of his creations…
..okay..i liked Wreckx-n-Effect for like a week, but only because there was so much ass in the video…
What stands out now: He was responsible for just about everything that was wack in the nineties. Guy and BLACKstreet alone are enough to indict him for noise pollution. He also wrote terrible songs for Michael Jackson, Keith Sweat, Joe, Hi-Five, and Johnny Kemp. Therefore he gets the coveted Golden Turd award for Lifetime Achievement in culture destruction.
…I’m sure he’s somewhere setting a scourge upon the world even now…
Peace ( I nee to stop saying that shit if I don’t mean it, hunh?…)
Open.Mike.Eagle
Today’s my birthday!
Wish me a happy 25th on my myspace page…
