I’ve said everything that I needed to regarding this incredibly f*cked-up week. I don’t need to add anything else. The healing’s starting, and it will continue. So it’s a bit of a return to form right now (especially for TNA), but I’m still going to endeavor to remain respectful.
Let’s just do this…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Matt Hardy over Carly Colon (Pinfall, Twist of Fate): You know, Eddy may have been involved in some bad matches (booked against atrocious opponents, of course). But the one thing you could never say about those matches was that they were boring. So how is this example of “boring” a tribute to him? And one more thing: Carly, I’ll tell you the same thing I told Orton, namely pimp your goddamn T-shirt some other time.
I’m torn. Should I be happy that Carly is being beaten, or should I be pissed that it’s Matt Hardy doing it?…look, folks, sometimes, one just has to snark.
The Legion Of Dumb over the West Hollywood Rednecks (Pinfall, Animal pins Cade, Doomsday Device): Look, I’m utterly convinced that Eddy would have wanted me to call them that. We’re still waiting on that revival of the tag scene on both shows that we were promised, you know.
Faces wear tribute armbands, but heels don’t?
Chavito over High-Quality Speaker Boy (Pinfall, frog splash): Let me be a bit cynical here, but, well…Chavito needs a good finisher. He does a damn good frog splash. Anyone who says that him adopting it would be disrespectful, just be certain to say the same thing about the Legion of Dumb doing the Doomsday Device vis-a-vis Hawk, or else you’re a f*cking hypocrite. Now, as to this match…it was a good tribute. I would have preferred it to be the main, but Trip must be served, even in the event of someone’s death. But Jillian Fucking Hall being there…did she need to be there doing her standard antics? This match had a purpose (and that purpose may have meant more to High-Quality Speaker Boy than to Chavito, come to think about it), and she distracted from it immensely. This wasn’t the night for face-heel antics (a crime that also can be laid at the feet of the previous two matches). This was a night for the boys to go out there and pay tribute. Save that bullshit for a normal show. It isn’t much to ask.
If you’re looking for one positive, any positive, in this horrible situation, take a look at that picture and that chyron. Anything that could end Kerwin White before the damage was done to Chavito is a positive.
You know, the limo I can understand. They already had it rented on Sunday, they already had the appliques and horns on it, etc., so why not use it. However, Mister Layfield, a gentleman doffs his hat as a sign of respect, especially a Texan. Fortunately, you made up for this at the funeral, so I’ll give you a pass.
Again, it’s faces wear the armbands, heels don’t
To die: to sleeper no more; and by a sleeper to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleeper;
To sleeper; perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleeper of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.
Juventud Guerrera over (in order of elimination) Brian Kendrick, Super Crazy, Yoshihiro Tajiri, Sho Funaki, Kid Kash, Novocaine Helms, Scotty Go Potty, Psicosis, Nunzio, and Paul London, Cruiserweight Battle Royal: It’s only appropriate that a former member of the Latino World Order scored the victory in this one, not to mention a fellow Mexican. Sure, Juvi dropped the title to Nunzio earlier this week, but I think he would consider this more important than the belt right now. This was both a tribute to Eddy and to the place the Guerrero family holds in the hearts of all luchadors. I think that’s all that needs to be said, really.
Eddy may be gone, but the Raw Versus Smackdown feud continues, as Helms and Tajiri find out
Juvi defends the honor of the LWO by eliminating the whitest guy in the competition, Brian Kendrick…oh, wait, sorry, Kid Kash is taking part in this match, isn’t he?
Novocaine Helms falls victim to the Yellow Peril
London attempts to get a feud going with Nunzio
No, you do NOT get to justify doing the Worm by dedicating it to Eddy
And London’s still trying to get a feud going with Nunzio. Think he knew about the title switch in Rome?
Chris Benoit over Trip (Pinfall, rollup): There are very few people that Trip would let go over him these days. Benoit, Flair, Michaels, and Batista are pretty much the entire list. I think he would have let Eddy into that rare company had there been a chance. That being said, Eddy was all about entertaining the audience. This was entertaining, definitely. He was also about friendship, and there was no one closer to him in the locker room than Chris Benoit (Chavito excepted). He’d want what was best for Benoit, and a clean pin over Trip definitely qualifies for that. So, yes, this was fitting. But Malenko coming out made me wonder how much he’s kept in shape recently. It would have been incredibly short notice, of course. He’d probably have been emotionally torn. He would have also been afraid of ring rust. But if he could have gone, wouldn’t one more Benoit/Malenko match have been something to see?
Despite the fellating that match receives from the IWC, I’m totally convinced that the main at WM20 would have been better had it been only these two
Eddy would have loved the “Who the f*ck do you think you’re talking to, Korderis?” look on Trip’s face
Catharsis may be good for the soul, but getting to take your pain out on Trip is priceless
The gut-wrench Benoit experienced on Sunday is visible even while he’s trying to sell
There’s a “soul taking flight” metaphor to be had here, but I’m not spiritual enough to make it
There’s something that a lot of us tend to forget: these guys are human. It’s moments like this that reminds us of that.
Yeah. They should be out there together at this time.
Angle Developments, Tributes, Etc.
Pictures, I believe, will suffice.
Portrait Of A World Champion In The Middle Of A Breakdown
Gory and Eddy are undoubtedly planning a father-and-son tag match right now with Stu and Owen. Make it a Triple Threat with Fritz and David and I’ll be there.
Would it be bad taste if I said that Animal was thinking, “Hawk’s dead, Eddy’s dead, but I’m alive and gainfully employed”, and this fact proved that there was no God?
The least Murdoch could have done was bathe for the occasion
The World’s Largest Athlete proved he possessed the World’s Largest Tear Ducts. A Gentle Giant indeed.
If you want to name one worker who’s feeling the most confused, lost, and bereft at this moment, family not included, here’s my nominee
All this talk about family makes me wonder if Shane’s reconsidering his plans to become Michael Corleone once Don Vince dies
And I think he’s sincere about it.
And my last regret? I’ll never get to call him “Latino Jesus” again. Unlike most other things I’ve written, it was never meant in a derogatory manner. When I start pulling out the comparisons with the Jewish carpenter’s son, as I do with Benoit and Booker, I mean it as an honor, not as blasphemy or as sarcasm. In my mind, he deserved it. Even if another person of Latin American heritage comes along and sets the world on fire, I’ll never use that term again. To me, it’ll always mean Eddy.
I’d better get on to Impact…
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Samoa Joe over Jerrelle Clark (Submission, Kokina Clutch): Please, it’s a jobber match. If Clark doesn’t get into position to do his flippy-yippie stuff, he’s a jobber, period. However, the apres made up for it a little, and we get A. J./Joe for the title at Turning Point as a result. Cool.
The Bloody Shirt, the Bloody Glove, now the Bloody Towel. Bloody Hell.
Do members of the TNA Job Squad beg to become Joe’s bitch for camera time?
Chris Harris and James Storm over Sonny Siaki and Apolo, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Storm pins Siaki, Death Sentence): The question is simple: has AMW ceased to give a shit? Frankly, if I was in their position, I would. All they have left is the ex-Dudleys. They’re saving themselves for looking good while dropping the titles to them in the Tables Match at Turning Point. The match booking here told the story. The bookers tried their damndest to make Siaki and Apolo look serious. Trying to turn the match into a wild brawl, the use of international objects, etc., but none of it worked. No one’s taken Siaki and Apolo seriously for months now, and without AMW’s cooperation in this effort, no one did after this match. Unfortunately, AMW is stuck in TNA. With the West Hollywood Rednecks in WWE, their identity’s been taken, and with the Dicks coming up and the Shane Twins about to, there’s no room either. So, guys, put in a little effort, please. You’ve always been the class act of TNA’s tag scene; start proving it again.
Is Chris Harris morphing into Al Snow before our very eyes?
Flying high for the Death Sentence
Rhiyno over Abyss (Pinfall, Goar Goar Goar): A lot of people believe that I’m a complete mark for technical wrestling. That’s not necessarily true. While it is correct that I prefer technical wrestling, I can appreciate a good brawl under certain conditions. One of those conditions is that the brawl has to be executed well, and every member of the Greivous Bodily Harm Division, like these two, can do that. This was a good brawl until the ending turned it into an Angle Advancement Match when Sabu showed up. So, credit to the boys for being entertaining while the moment lasted.
The closest wrestling can come to a nature documentary about mating season dominance
“Does anyone remember if he f*cked me over back in ECW?”
When other wrestlers do this, it looks like chiropracty. When Abyss does it, it looks painful.
Jarrett decides to test Gail Kim’s loyalty by pimping her out to Tenay
Uh, actually, Konnan, it IS Sweeps right now…
I’ve already explained my worries about this situation, so I don’t need to reiterate them. And the more TNA pushes Christian into the big-fish-small-pond mode, the worse the worries will get.
And that closes this edition out. If God exists, I don’t believe that he’d let us go through another week like this again too soon. So I have a message to the workers: between this situation and the fooferaw around another Eddy, Eddy Curry, please, find a good cardiologist. Get a work-up. Find ways to reduce stress despite the hectic lifestyle. Keep yourselves alive. That’s all we ask.