WEEK ELEVEN
(3-7) CARDINALS 38, (4-6) RAMS 28
Whatsamatta You?
Rams’ RB Stephen Jackson was held to 6 rushing yards on 12 attempts. The Cardinals’ defense ranked 25th in the NFL against the run coming into this game.
How About?
This was only the second road win for the Cardinals in the last 3 years. Kurt Warner threw for 3 TDs in his return to St. Louis, and Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald both had over 100 receiving yards and a TD apiece.
I’m A Moron
“Stephen Jackson has a big game and the Rams roll.”
Hoo boy. Good thing nobody reads this.
(7-3) COWBOYS 20, (4-6) LIONS 7
Whatsamatta You?
The Lions were flagged for 129 yards in penalties. That was more yards than the Cowboys got from their passing game, as Drew Bledsoe threw for only 110 yards.
How About?
Julius Jones and Marion Barber combined for 145 yards on 36 carries. Cowboys’ kicker Billy Cundiff last Sunday was unemployed and sitting around the house with his hand down his pants, but yesterday kicked a 56 yard field goal.
I’m A Genius
“The Lions are no better than mediocre in every phase of the game, and that’s not good enough to win on the road against a good Dallas team.”
“I’m Seein’ Double Here, FOUR Roy Williamses!!”
(7-3) JAGUARS 31, (2-8) TITANS 28
Whatsamatta You?
The Jaguars ran the ball 30 times, and averaged an anemic 1.6 yards a carry. Fred Taylor ran 6 times for -8 yards.
How About?
But, there to save the day was QB Byron Leftwich. Leftwich had the best game of his pro career, throwing for 3 touchdowns and running for another.
I’m A Genius
“I’m done waiting for the Titans to snap out of it and win a game. I’ve picked them against some bad teams the last few weeks (Arizona, Oakland, Cleveland), and all they do is keep making me look bad, and that will not stand.”
(6-4) PATRIOTS 24, (2-8) SAINTS 17
Whatsamatta You?
A win is a win, but a nail biter at home against the woeful Saints doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in the Patriots. DT Richard Seymour summed it up best, saying, “”It was a little too close. We’re making progress, but there’s still a long way to go.”
How About?
Pats’ RB Heath Evans, who was signed as a free agent on November 1, had his second straight strong performance in place of the injured Corey Dillon. He carried 16 times for 74 yards. He and Patrick Pass combined for 127 yards on 29 carries.
I’m A Genius
“The Saints will try to attack the Patriots secondary, as everybody has been able to do this year, and may even have some success doing it. But still, this is the Saints playing on the road against the Patriots. Come on now.”
(7-3) GIANTS 27, (4-6) EAGLES 17
Whatsamatta You?
A win for the Giants, but they can’t let opposing defenses use Eli Manning as their Wrestling Buddy like the Eagles did. Eli was sacked 5 times yesterday.
How About?
He had a horrendous first half, but Eagles’ QB Mike McMahon was beyond solid in the second half. He was electrifying. On a 12 yard run for a first down on third and long, it seemed like all 11 of the Giants’ defenders got a hand on him at some point, but he managed to elude all of them for the first down. He threw for 298 yards and a TD, and ran for 31 yards and another touchdown.
I’m A Genius
“McMahon is an exciting player with great physical tools, and he may surprise some people. The Eagles are just a mess right now though, and in collapsing and losing that game last week, they showed that a lot of what TO kept saying about his quarterback and his coach may have been true. The bottom has dropped out, and the descent down the toilet continues this week.”
Eli Took A Lickin’..Kept Tickin
(7-3) BEARS 13, (7-3) PANTHERS 3
Whatsamatta You?
In a matchup of two good defenses, it stands to reason that the team that makes the fewest mistakes will win. It also stands to reason that that team would be the team whose QB has led his team to a Super Bowl, not the rookie 4th round draft pick. Reason took a holiday in this game though, and it was Jake Delhomme whose 2 first half interceptions led to 10 Chicago points.
How About?
The Bears sacked Delhomme EIGHT times, including 3 by DE Adewale Ogunleye. Lost in the Bears’ complete domination of this game was a 169 yard receiving day for Steve Smith.
I’m A Moron
“Once the frustration of not being able to run the ball sets in, the Bears will have to go to the pass. That’s when Carolina’s defense starts forcing mistakes out of rookie QB Kyle Orton, and those mistakes will lead to points for the Panthers, and a big win.”
(4-6) BROWNS 22, (3-7) DOLPHINS 0
Whatsamatta You?
This was the worst professional football game since the Memphis Maniax took on the Birmingham Thunderbolts on March 15, 2001. Chief perpetrators were Dolphins’ starting QB Sage Rosenfels, who passed for 14 yards and 2 interceptions, and his replacement, the injured Gus Frerotte, who completed 4 of 18 attempts.
How About?
Browns’ RB Ruben Droughns had a 75 yard touchdown run as part of his 166 yard rushing performance. Braylon Edwards had by far his best game as a pro, catching 6 passes for 90 yards.
I’m A Moron
“The Browns rank 28th in the league against the run, and the Dolphins have a pair of running backs that take advantage of that. Plus, the Dolphins are stepping down in class after playing the Patriots tight last week, so, let’s go with Miami here.”
(4-6) RAIDERS 16, (5-5) REDSKINS 13
Whatsamatta You?
Clinton Portis had a bad case of the fumblys in this game, putting the ball on the ground twice in this game, with the Raiders recovering both times. As for the Redskins, they’ve lost 3 out of their last 4, and are 2 games behind both the Giants and Cowboys in the NFC East.
How About?
Raiders’ WR Jerry Porter had a huge day, catching 6 passes for 142 yards, including a 49 yard TD reception to get the Raiders back in the game when they were trailing 13-3 in the 3rd quarter.
I’m a Moron
“I think this week it will be Clinton Portis and the running game that make the difference for the Redskins. The Redskins will get a win they need very badly.”
Lamont, You Dummy
(7-3) BUCS 30, (6-4) FALCONS 27
Whatsamatta You?
I don’t know what kind of NFL Licensed Apparel Jon Gruden was wearing on the sidelines yesterday, but it looked like he was coaching the game in his pajamas. Falcons’ backup QB Matt Schaub saw one play of action, and he made a big impact. He was hit by Simeon Rice and fumbled in his own end zone, and the Bucs’ Booger McFarland recovered for a TD.
Not to be outdone by his understudy, Michael Vick fumbled in Falcons’ territory with 1 ½ minutes remaining, setting up what proved to be the game winning field goal for Tampa.
How About?
Michael Vick threw for over 300 yards? If that wasn’t unexpected enough, Cadillac Williams finally received his leg transplant and ran for 116 yards and a TD.
I’m a Moron
“Poop will meet fan in Atlanta if they lose 2 in a row at home, and Jim Mora Jr. is too good a coach to let that happen, so I think they’ll find a way to win.”
(3-7) RAVENS 16, (7-3) STEELERS 13 OT
Whatsamatta You?
Tommy Maddox had a bad case of David Carr Disease in this game, getting sacked 6 times. The affiliction spread to Ravens’ QB Kyle Boller, who was dropped five times. God, now that I think about it, it’s a miracle that a matchup of Kyle Boller vs. Tommy Maddox didn’t make the space/time continuum collapse on itself in a vortex of suckitude.
How About?
The Ravens hadn’t scored a touchdown since Oct. 31. They finally got one when Randy Hymes caught a 3 yard TD pass from Boller in the second quarter.
I’m a Moron
“It really doesn’t matter who is playing QB for the Steelers. The Ravens played the Steelers very tough three weeks ago in a 20-19 loss at Heinz Field, but since then, the heart has gone out of this team. The Steelers grind out wins like a machine, and they’ll do that easily this week.”
(8-2) SEAHAWKS 27, (2-8) NINERS 25
Whatsamatta You?
The Hawks were up by 15 points heading into the 4th quarter against a team that I don’t think has scored 15 points all season. Nevertheless, they were a failed 2 point conversion away from blowing that lead and heading to overtime. That’s not very Super Bowl-like of them.
How About?
Two more touchdowns for Shaun Alexander gave him nineteen on the season. NINETEEN!!! Niners WR Brandon Lloyd somehow managed to have a 100+ yard receiving day with Ken Dorsey as his quarterback.
I’m a Genius
“About the only thing the Niners have going for them in this game is that the Seahawks are only 5-9 on grass going back to 03, and only 8-12 on the road during that time (vs. 18-3 at home, and 21-6 on turf). That’s not going to save them.”
“Hi Everybody, I’m Awesome”
(10-0) COLTS 45, (7-3) BENGALS 37
Whatsamatta You?
This game was 35-27 at halftime. Is this the NFL or the WAC??
How About?
The Colts had two guys, Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark, who had 100 yards receiving by halftime. Chad Johnson went for 189 yards for the Bengals, and his touchdown dance du jour was to kneel down in a mock proposal to a Bengals cheerleader on the sideline. The cheerleader said something like, “Thanks but I’m a hot lesbian like all NFL cheerleaders.”
I’m a Genius
“…the Colts will come out of Paul Brown Stadium with a 10-0 record. Larry Csonka and Bob Griese begin chewing on each other’s fingernails.”
(8-2) BRONCOS 27, (2-8) JETS 0
Whatsamatta You?
The Jets ran the ball 7 times in this game. WR Justin McCareins was their leading rusher with 8 yards.
How About?
On last week’s South Park they actually mentioned that the Broncos were 7-2. How did they do that?
I’m a Genius
“To paraphrase Clubber Lang, my prediction for the Jets, PAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!”
(6-4) CHARGERS 48, (4-6) BILLS 10
Whatsamatta You?
JP Losman was one of the many quarterbacks that were stuffed like turkeys yesterday, he was sacked 6 times.
How About?
The Chargers hung 48 on the Bills despite getting only 67 rushing yards from LaDanian Tomlinson, and losing Antonio Gates to an injury in the third quarter.
I’m a Genius
“The Bills are giving up 5 yards a carry. They are playing against LaDanian Tomlinson this week. They can start JP Losman, JH Christ, or whoever at quarterback, they’re not going to win if LT is leaving cleat marks all over them.”
“Awwww I love the Chargers powder blue uniforms back back back he could go all the way”
(6-4) CHIEFS 45, (1-9) TEXANS 17
Whatsamatta You?
So I’m watching this game with one of my buddies, and Houston gets the ball back with 39 seconds left in the first half. I tell my buddy as I go downstairs to get a beer, “Oh there’s still enough time for Carr to throw an interception for a TD ha ha ha ha ha”. I come back upstairs and Eric Warfield is taking one back 57 yards for a touchdown. Cut to Texans’ GM Charlie Casserly sitting in the Owner’s Box with his boss, the owner, Bob McNair, looking like his dog just pissed on McNair’s cowboy boots. I’m thinking to myself, “Sure I am hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and will be for the rest of my life, but at least I’m not HIM.”
How About?
Larry Johnson ran for 211 yards. Adjust that for the fact that it came against Houston and that’s more like 78 yards.
I’m a Genius
“Expect the Magnificent Three on the Sunday Night crew to spend most of the night talking about David Carr, saying something in the ilk of “It’s not his fault”, “He’s a good quarterback”, Blah blah, shut up.”
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOOOOOBALLLLL???? MONDAY NIGHT
MINNESOTA VIKINGS (4-5) AT GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-7)
9 PM Eastern, ABC, Packers favored by 5 ½
The Storyline
You wouldn’t know it from looking at the records of these two teams, but this looks like it will be a very exciting and entertaining game. This has been a heated rivalry through the last decade. The Vikings are winners of 2 straight, and are coming off a game where they got 3 touchdowns from their defense and special teams in a shocking road win over the Giants. The Packers have found an unlikely savior in the form of 5th string running back Samkon Gado. The Nigerian born Gado has given the Packers the running game they were so desperately in need of, and he led the Packers to an upset of the Falcons in Atlanta last week.
All Eyes On
Mike Tice, Head Coach, Vikings-
It seemed like a question of when, not if, Tice would be fired when the Vikings were 2-5 and still reeling from the fallout of Orgy Boat 2000. Then Daunte Culpepper got hurt, and it seemed like the wheels were REALLY about to come off. Then they won 2 in a row? Yes, they did, and if they can make it 3 this week they will officially be back in the playoff race. Tice is still probably a goner after the season’s over, but if they keep playing well, who knows?
Mike Sherman, Head Coach, Packers-
Tice isn’t the only NFC North coach on the hot seat. With the Brett Favre era coming to a close, and not a very successful one, it would seem that Sherman’s time in northern Wisconsin is also running short. It would seem so, but probably not. Sherman was given a two year extension after last season, and Brett Favre has said publicly that if the Packers were to hire a new coach next year, that might mean that they would also need a new quarterback next year. Expect next year to be the official league-licensed Brett Favre Farewell Tour, and Sherman to be the coach. Then, there will be big changes in Green Bay.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
These teams met in Week 7, and the Packers blew a 17-0 lead en route to losing on a last second 56 yard field goal, 23-20. I think we’ll get a different result this time. The Vikings rank 26th in the league against the run, and the Packers have shown they can run the ball successfully with Gado. Green Bay looks like they have turned a corner, and I think they get another win tonight.
PACKERS 28, VIKINGS 16
GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE…THANKSGIVING FOOTBALL!!
And, of course, it wouldn’t be American Thanksgiving without the Cowboys and Lions to entertain us through the fog of our turkey comas. So let’s do a quick rundown of our Turkey Day action:
ATLANTA FALCONS (6-4) AT DETROIT LIONS (4-6)
12:30 PM Eastern, FOX, Falcons favored by 3
The Storyline
In a span of two weeks, the Falcons have gone from being the team to beat in the NFC, to, well, being the team to beat…because everyone is beating them. Now they face the difficult task of winning in Detroit on Thanksgiving, and if they can’t get that done, they face an uphill climb to get to the playoffs.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
These teams met in the Georgia Dome last year, and the Falcons played a miserable game and lost 17-10 to a Lions team they were much, much better than. The Falcons sleepwalked through that game, and they’ve done that through their last two games. If they don’t wake up for this one, they are in big trouble. I think they will play with a sense of urgency, and pull out of their tailspin.
FALCONS 27, LIONS 16
(8-2) DENVER BRONCOS AT (7-3) DALLAS COWBOYS
4:15 PM Eastern, CBS, Pick ’em
The Storyline
As if football, family, and a feast isn’t reason enough why Thanksgiving is the greatest of our holidays, this year there’s the added bonus of having a great matchup to watch. These are two of the best teams in the league, and in recent weeks have been in top form.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
There’s a lot of reason to like the Cowboys’ chances in this game. First among them is that the Broncos rank 28th in the league against the pass. Drew Bledsoe can take advantage of that weakness. The Broncos have 2 losses this year, and one of them was on the road to an NFC East team (the Giants). But the way the Broncos have been running the ball, and the way their offense has been putting points up (they haven’t been held below 20 since Week 1), I just can’t pick against them right now. They’re hitting on all cylinders, and they’ll win this Thanksgiving.
BRONCOS 27, COWBOYS 20
Can Anderson Trot Over the Boys on Turkey Day?
IF THE PLAYOFFS STARTED TODAY…
The following teams would be in:
NFC
1. Seattle (NFC West)
2. Chicago (NFC North)
3. Dallas (NFC East)
4. Carolina (NFC South)
5. NY Giants (Wildcard)
6. Tampa Bay (Wildcard)
1st Round Matchups
Tampa Bay at Dallas
NY Giants at Carolina
Bye: Seattle, Chicago
AFC
1. Indianapolis (AFC South)
2. Denver (AFC West)
3. Pittsburgh (AFC North)
4. New England (AFC East)
5. Jacksonville (Wildcard)
6. Cincinnati (Wildcard)
1st Round Matchups
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Jacksonville at New England
Bye: Indianapolis, Denver
OK then that’s a wrap for Week 11. See you back here this weekend for WEEK TWELVE!
