Summertime Blues, News, and Views: METAL POWER

HI hi hi hi hi. I haven’t done a proper SBNV column in a while…

AND I AIN’T ABOUT TO START NOW.

This is just a special edition where I wig out like a ranttastic ninja.

I stole stuff from all over the Internet for this column. Credit to everyone.

This column brought to you by the little green light on my computer speaker amplifier that keeps dimming with every hit of bass. I will need to replace that poor denizen of little might. 50 watts makes for fuzzy badness when your L/R speakers alone would like 150.

Now then. LET US BEGIN.

Former SKID ROW frontman Sebastian Bach has issued the following update:

“Don’t miss this week’s ‘The Gilmore Girls’ episode entitled ‘He’s Slippin’ ‘Em Bread….. Dig?’ This is without a doubt my favorite episode of the show yet featuring HEP ALIEN [Bach’s fictional band on the show] … All I can say is hold on to your seats because there might be a surprise or two in this episode! ‘The Gilmore Girls’ is on The WB network at 8:00 p.m. Tuesday nights. I also did an interview with Entertainment Weekly magazine about ‘The Gilmore Girls’ that will be in this week’s or next week’s issue so keep your eye on the newsstands for that!

*twitch*

*twitch*

Okay, here’s the background as we know it.

Skid Row was a popular band whose debut album in 1989 sold a bunch of copies. Like, a bizillion. Everyone and their sister knew all of the words to “18 and Life.” Many of those sisters drooled endlessly over their lead singer because he was superhot. His voice was classically trained so he sounded great on top of it.

Fast forward about ten years. Sebastian Bach takes to the Internet like a duck to water. Lots of misspellings, lots of rantings, lots of terrible layout. He rants and raves like crazy, he comes off looking like a whiny child, and he makes mortal enemies with Metal Sludge.

During one particularly memorable rant — one which I believe was during an interview on MuchMusic that he eventually pouted and walked out on — Bach was asked about touring with Poison. And he just snapped, carrying on about what fluffy crap Poison was. According to him, Skid Row was “real metal,” and Poison was just glam garbage. And no way in hell did any Skid Row fans ever listen to trashy, non-METAL like Poison. (This was later proven quite wrong by Metal Sludge pollsters, but still, this was his belief.)

And now Sebastian Bach is playing in a fake band on GILMORE GIRLS.

……….

BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I honestly don’t know what else to say or do. Okay, so this isn’t the first grand hypocrisy in the world of Sebastian Bach. This is a dude who loves KISS with all of his heart (something painstakingly reiterated during his Cribs episode); when his band didn’t get the gig opening for KISS, he went on some big tirade about how old and played out KISS was and how they were a shell of their former selves. This is the guy who was nailed with a bottle of alcohol at a show, got pissed, and whipped it back into the audience, severely wounding one of the fans. This is the guy who wore the “AIDS Kills Fags Dead” shirt — and his subsequent apology actually included the (paraphrased) statement, “Well, my grandma died of cancer, and I guess if someone wore a shirt that said ‘Cancer Kills Grandmas Dead’ I’d be pretty pissed.”

In other words, yeah, I guess I shouldn’t have expected to see anything other than Mr. Too Metal For Poison showing up on the f*cking Gilmore Girls. Not that this is his first appearance on the show, but I’m out of the loop when it comes to the WB. No, I’m not the least bit sad about that, either.

Speaking of others in this era…

According to ContactMusic.com, MÖTLEY CRÜE drummer Tommy Lee has had the entire U.K. supply of his new album stolen from a storage warehouse in Germany.

Thousands of copies of “Tommyland: The Ride” were snatched in the heist, when thieves in a lorry claimed to be the official transit vehicle for the CDs.

The missing records are expected to be sold on the black market.

Has anyone heard this album? Aside from myself and poor Chris Lamb, anyway. If you have, my condolences. Good lord, that was one excruciating pile of excrement if there ever was one. It certainly made Methods of Mayhem look like Talentland: The Ride. Don’t let that thought keep you awake at night with horrific imagery.

Yet someone stole a whole pile of ’em.

WHY??? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????

These will not be sold on the black market. Maybe someone will attempt to sell them on the black market, but they won’t make any money from it. And what will they have then? Thousands and thousands of drink coasters.

Let me talk a bit about Mr. Gigantic Horse Cock. Motley Crue was the f*cking bomb, yo. Up through Dr. Feelgood, they were fantastic. Actually, all the way up through the release of their first greatest hits compilation, Decade of Decadence, when they unleashed the ever-so-wonderful “Primal Scream.” But everything since then has been progressively worse. They booted out Vince Neil to replace him with John Corabi; let me say that Corabi brings much more metaltastic vocals to the table, but you can’t mask the slick hair-band songwriting and production behind it. They reconciled with Vince, they put out more terrible records, and somewhere along the line released three more greatest hits compilations. (Get the double-disc one, it’s the only one with “Black Widow” on it.)

During this time, Tommy Lee was bangin’ hot blondes. I know this because I read The Dirt. Oh yeah, and because it was captured on video. He also beats women! Oh yeah… did you know he plays drums? Yeah, occasionally he stops sticking his monster penis in tiny girls to pound the skins in a different way. And rap. Because everyone I know over 40 years old should be a rapper. Especially if they’re white. And from suburbia.

TOMMY: if you cannot read this and comprehend why you look like such an idiot, please allow me to scream it in your ear until you understand. You have a reality show about going to college in Nebraska, yet you have problems playing drums with the school band. Jesus f*cking christ on a phone pole, just STOP IT! STOP!!! STOP RIGHT NOW. Go sit behind a drum kit and shut the f*ck up. Everyone knows drummers are the walking retards of every band. That is why there are so many Stupid Drummer jokes. So get back on your goddamned stool and hit things like the caveman moron that you are and never, ever open your mouth again. Okay, you are allowed to take breaks to bang more hot blondes. Just so long as you don’t confuse the blondes for drums, you are free.

That felt ever so good.

Special kudos to Mr. Phil Collins, who defeated Drummer Retard Disease to become super-awesome and make me dance in my car to “Turn It On Again.” I LOVE YOU PHIL

OKAY THEN!

World renowned Dutch act THE GATHERING entered the studio today (November 21, 2005) to commence work on their ninth studio album.

For this recording the band has built a professional homemade studio inside an old church in the small town of Maurik, located in the south of Holland. With the help of producer Attie Bauw (producer of the band’s 1998 effort, “How to Measure a Planet?”) the band plans to work there for a month before heading to Bauw’s studio to mix and master the music.

Comments singer Anneke van Giersbergen about the constructed studio and working with Bauw again: “We built our own studio there because we wanted to do something different and create a new atmosphere. As for working with Attie Bauw, he is a very inspirational man with great ideas and we were very anxious to work with him again.

“I like being in the studio especially because we are then together for a vast period of time as a group and we create something entirely new. It’s always amazing to participate in this process and to finish with a brand new album. That sense of accomplishment is truly wonderful.”

She adds, “We would hope to see the album get released sometime in March (on Psychonaut Records in Europe, The End Records in North America). We plan to start touring in March and come over to tour in South America and the U.S.A. once again.”

First things first: I do not have the new Gathering DVD yet, and this makes me CRY. PO Box 3192, Dubuque, IA, 52004. REMEMBER ME WHEN YOU STUFF STOCKINGS, ST. NICK!

Now, I would like to talk about one of my most favorite bands in the whole damned universe, The Gathering. That is why I cut/paste the above. And so I could talk about my cat, who was named Anneke after the lovely vocalist. Anneke is a mouthy attention whore who digs her claws into my neck when I don’t pet her enough. She is fluffy and black. I also cut/paste this so that I could mention that a very small group of crazy people on the Internet seem to think I look somewhat like Ms. van Giersbergen. Except I haven’t popped out any kids and she has.

Right, the band, I almost forgot.

I have a problem with the album if_then_else. This problem is that years after its release, I cannot stop listening to it. I know every song forwards and backwards and I am clinically burned out on it. Yet it finds itself in my CD player at least once a month. It’s just that damned good. What great pleasure I feel, I come from nowhere and I shall return.

Also, Souvenirs. I ordered the disc and a t-shirt direct from the Netherlands when it was released. It’s weird as hell, nothing at all like the olden golden days of The Gathering, Quasi-Black Metal Band. If you like Bjork, Radiohead, gothy crap, stuff like that, then you absolutely must find this album and fall in love with it. It’s best when you listen to it super duper loud when driving at night in an unknown place. OOOOO SCARY SCARY SCARY!!

BOO!

Hah, scared you!

Anyway, so yeah, now there is finally a new album, yay! Their last effort was the acoustic Sleepy Buildings, which was neat if not very sleepy. And their last DVD was from 1996 or so when Anneke was still new to the band. Not my cat, the girl.

Can you see how progressively more happy I have become while writing about one of my favorite bands ever? Go get the Black Light District EP and listen to my theme song, “Debris.” It’s good goodness forever x40.

Alright, back to the hair metal stuffs.

According to MelodicRock.com, former WHITE LION frontman Mike Tramp has issued the following statement regarding his future plans for TRAMP’S WHITE LION:

“A series of events has led me to the decision that, in today’s day and age, there seems to be not enough interest to continue exploring possibilities for another tour with TRAMP’S WHITE LION. It is a shame that, aside from 30,000 people at this year’s Bang Your Head festival, no other European country will see the band. I had put TRAMP’S WHITE LION together for a reason. That reason was giving the fans what they had been asking for all these years. Unfortunately, promoters are not backing this up and no one seems to be confident enough to make a leap of faith to help make this thing happen. This was my final attempt in continuing the legacy of WHITE LION. So from now on, there will be no more looking back at the past, this was the final roar. I will now focus only on my solo career and will take my time finishing my new solo album that will be released sometime next year. I will work on other ways of presenting Mike Tramp live, from intimate acoustic settings to a full band and will be touring whenever it feels right but only when all parameters are in order. Until then, enjoy TRAMP’S WHITE LION ‘Rocking the USA’ double album out on Frontiers Records now.”

Yes. White Lion was still around, touring. AND NOW THEY ARE GONE FOREVER. YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE.

Do you even remember White Lion? Well, there was “Wait” and “Tell Me,” which were moderate hits, but you probably won’t recall them unless I sing a bit of it for you first. What you probably do remember, however, is their monster hit “When the Children Cry.” Yeah, THOSE guys! They were still around! Hah, isn’t that cute?

Even cuter than that is that Mike Tramp still thinks he’s important or relevant in any way. Rumors circulate like crazy in the c-grade cock rock community that he still acts like he’s somebody. Well, of course he’s somebody, cuz God don’t make no junk. But still, know your role, jabroni. You had one cheesy power ballad hit in the late ’80s just like everyone else out there with fluffy blonde hair. Go take a seat behind Kix and Cinderella.

I am way too into the hair band gossip scene, seriously.

Which is why I move on to KISS:

KISS bassist/vocalist Gene Simmons has posted the following message on his official web site:

“All the best life has to offer to Paul [Stanley, KISS frontman] and Erin [Sutton] on their marriage. Paul has been my partner for over 30 years. I can’t think of another guy I admire and care about more. Send your congratulations to Paul and Erin at KissOnline.com.”

First thought: Paul’s STRAIGHT???

Second thought: Heheheh, Paul’s been his partner.

Third thought: Why hasn’t Gene thought of a product to market for this occasion? You’re missing out on the cash cow, Gene! KISS wedding cake toppers! What are you waiting for?

I have this extreme love/hate relationship with Gene Simmons. I don’t want to say something ignorant and derogatory like “he’s such a Jew” but he certainly fills the stereotype to a T. Gene has said on approximately 1800 occasions that KISS is nothing more than a business venture to him and that he will act on any possible opportunity to make more money. The only thing he does for the fans is get a feel for what they might buy next, then produce these items. Oh yeah, and once in a while, write a sub-par song and pick away at an axe-shaped bass with a painted face. Let’s not forget having sex with a hundred million women, as he’s bragged about that as well. Lucky girls. *cough*

But on the flipside, Gene is at least honest. He’s not like Britney Spears, who was all, “tee hee I’m a virgin goody goody girl!” for years while dressing all skankaliciously and pretending like she’s not trying to be a sex symbol. Gene will tell you point blank that he just wants you to buy his shit. And that’s not the only thing he’s ever been blunt about. This might be my favorite snippet of Gene Simmons ever:

“You don’t have to know how to read or write music at all to be successful in the music business,” Simmons told The New York Post. “And as far as rap is concerned, you don’t need to have any qualifications whatsoever, you could just be a drug dealer off the street and simply start talking — it’s not about music, it’s about charisma.”

Regarding the fact that he appointed the smallest, geekiest kid in the class to be the band’s frontman because of the kid’s charismatic performance in an audition, Simmons said, “You can have a huge show and be a fantastic instrumentalist, but if you’re not charismatic, nobody will care. By the way, you don’t even need to be the lead singer — I was as interested in Pete Townshend as I was in Roger Daltrey in THE WHO because he made a spectacle out of himself.”

THE MAN SPEAKS THE TRUTH. I hate him and his money-grubbing, anti-rock ways, but this is fact. We don’t want to believe it because we want to believe in the purity of art and the magic of metal, but he’s absolutely correct. Madonna made a fortune on her charisma, certainly not her voice. The Rolling Stones are still touring today even after putting out nothing but shitty albums for the last twenty years. Everyone wants to see Mick and Keith, dammit! And Cher? Christ, the woman’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard, but she knows how to put on one hell of a show. Even Zeppelin was floundering after Houses of the Holy, but with Plant and Page, how could you stay away? And who in the hell would give two f*cks about Jessica Simpson if it wasn’t for her dippy reality show? It’s not like the world was clamoring for her albums, for crying out loud.

Is it right? Is it good? Probably not. For those who truly love music and the passion behind it, Gene isn’t just noting the reality of the music industry; he’s reinforcing showmanship above art. But then again, who would you rather see on stage: a semi-talented artist with tons of energy and lots of spectacle, or a brilliant person just standing around singing and playing?

The truth sure does hurt. I hate you, Gene. I love you, Gene. UGH.

Okay… I did say something about “metal” in this column, right? Enough with the big hair.

San Diego film company ZU33 is currently developing “Lords of Chaos”, a fiction film based on true events in the Norwegian black metal music scene in the early 1990s. The project is scheduled to go into pre-production this month, with physical production scheduled to begin in February 2006. The screenplay was written by Hans Fjellestad, Ryan Page and Adam Parfrey. Fjellestad is set to direct.

The movie is based on the book “Lords of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground” (view cover/details at Amazon.com), which documents some of the events that have occurred in black metal’s history, including the murder of MAYHEM’s Aasarth Oystein (better known as Euronymous) at the hands of BURZUM mastermind Varg Vikernes (a.k.a. Count Grishnackh).

*bouncing in her panties*

I read Lords of Chaos a few years ago. Let me tell ya, if it doesn’t paint quite the grim picture about black metal, nothing else will. Not everyone is a church-burning heathen, but ahh well. It’s still fun as hell to read about all these crazy Norwegians killing each other in the name of Satan.

I really, really want to see how they pull off this flick. It had better rule or we’re gonna set someone’s church on fire.

Anyway, a tangent while I’m on the basic topic: Burzum. For those not aware, Mr. Vikernes has quite the following. I really don’t know why, but he does. Add to the amusement that the Norwegian prison system is far different from that in the US to say the very least and he was regularly released for periods of time living with his parents. And at one point, he just walked out of jail and was gone for a good while before being brought back. Norway, you are totally not like Snoreway. Alright, so Varg has lots of albums out under the name Burzum and he’s allowed to record in prison. He writes Norse legend anthems and things of this nature. Whee, valhalla and Odin. For crying out loud, he went by the name Count Grishnackh — he named himself after a f*cking Tolkien character. He’s just a nerd. He was just a f*cking loser nerd who had no friends until he discovered the big scary underground black metal scene. Then he became Captain of Nerds, shot Euronymous, and went to jail. And he’s still revered by thousands of fans. Is there any wonder why metal is so easily mocked?

Alright. Enough of zee ranting. Time for some nice-nice.

The Rad Ones

Check out my fellow Tuesday compadre, DP Wieland. READ HIM NOW, I COMMAND IT. If nothing else, read him because I took his logo photo. Then yell at him for conspiring to drag me to the Mall of America. Punk.

Also, give smooches to Aaron Cameron, who probably doesn’t need my plugs but I’ll give them to him anyway because I secretly want to steal him from his wife and force him to give me a hundred Jalens of my own. Ummmmmmmmmm… yeah.

Lucard is going to have the yummiest Thanksgiving ever. I don’t know exactly what my Thanksgiving dinner will be yet, but it probably won’t be French cuisine. Yes, this is jealousy. I hate you, Alex, you’re not invited to my birthday party.

And I agree with Rachael: it’s all about the bag balm, baby. I also like Crack Cream. Hahaha, cow lotion is funny.

I have not read Kubryk‘s review of Walk the Line yet and I won’t until I go see it. It better be good. Ohh, I can’t help myself, I must take a peek… what was the rating? What was the rating? Huh? Huh? Go find out, I’m not holding your hand when all it takes is a quick mouse click.

And all the sexy girlies love IP Sports Radio. Won’t you check it out yourself?

WHO IN THE FUCK IS JOSHUA STEVEN???? Hey, remember that time when we fought and everything was BLACK CLOUDS? Then we kissed and made out and you made that splotch on my couch. But it was all good because I had that OxyClean tub and everything was sparkling and new. That would have made a great infomercial testimonial, almost as great as crazy people who think they’re hummingbirds.

I HAVE PLUGGED ENOUGH.

Outro

I haven’t written many reviews lately but I’m going to take this space just to toss out some quickie teasers.

Opeth, Ghost Reveries
Easily one of the best albums this year. I can’t stop listening to it.

Depeche Mode, Playing the Angel
See above. “John the Revelator” is so utterly amazing that it makes my heart glow.

Madonna, Confessions On a Dance Floor
Stupid lyrics but incredibly awesome dance music. Except for “Isaac,” that song sucks.

Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine (for real this time)
The demos were kinda crappy, but now it’s slick and polished crappy.

mcchris, Eating’s Not Cheating v2.0
They messed with some of the songs and added three others. Nifty!

Slipknot, 9.0
Corey Taylor, your stage banter sucks balls. Shut up and be metal.

The Old Dead Tree, The Perpetual Motion
An album nobody will hear but me. Pity, because it’s f*cking incredible.

Bon Jovi, Have a Nice Day
Amazingly, this sounds just like a Bon Jovi album.

HIM, Dark Light
It’s Hot Topic emo!

Rammstein, Rosenrot
First it was Germans and Russians, now it’s Germans and Mexicans. NUTS.

System of a Down, Hypnotize
This album distracts me from anything I try to do while it is playing.

…and that’s plenty.

Smiles!

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FUCKING HOSTILE,

–gloomchen

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