The SmarK Rant for Prison Break – Episode 12

The SmarK Rant for Prison Break – Episode 12

“Odd Man Out”

“They got computer phones, boobies made out of silicone…you won’t know what to do!”
– T-Bag advises DB Cooper on the ways of the world outside of prison.

We start with Mike flashing back to an engineering job interview that hints strongly at structure v. function playing a part in this week’s plan, and his unintentional solution to “Where do you see yourself in five years” is not the one most employers would probably want to hear. With only one show left until the presumed escape, Mike escalates his preparations, as he breaks into what looks like a sewage drain and is faced with the problem of having to climb a rope 25 feet into the air to get out of a grate at the top. Maybe he can do the indian rope trick too, who knows with this guy.

And so, as established last week, they’ll have 18 minutes to get 7 people over the wall, and math says that ain’t gonna happen. And I don’t argue with math, it’s right too often. The choice of who to abandon seems obvious and fairly unanimous, but of course T-Bag is ready with more blackmail to prevent himself from being the lucky victim. C-Note, becoming more unlikable by the minute, confers with Sucre and points out that they’re the only two that don’t offer anything to the team and thus neither of them will be high on the list of those going out. Oh come on, we all know that Mike has Sucre’s back!

Bellick is onto Mike’s fake wife after discovering her working at a strip club last week, and lets him know as much, although to his credit Mike doesn’t dignify his accusations with anything more than a medium distance gaze. If this was Law & Order, I’d say he should lawyer up. I really hope Bellick doesn’t make it out of the 13th episode alive. Abruzzi, meanwhile, takes steps to neutralize T-Bag’s insurance policy on the outside, who turns out to be the only person in America more redneck than T-Bag himself. However, things go bad when Abruzzi’s mafia monkeys screw up and kill the guy and his kid instead of just kidnapping him for a while. You know, it’s not like the gene pool was gonna be adversely affected by taking another Bagwell out of circulation, so Abruzzi’s guilt over that turn of events isn’t really justified. Just write it off to Darwinism and move on, man.

Nick gets taken to the hospital for his gunshot wound, against his will, by Veronica and Livejournal, but LJ sneaks off to his mom’s funeral, where Agent Hale is waiting for him. However, since only Kellerman is the devil, he doesn’t kill the kid on the spot. Too bad, the irony would at least make a good story at THAT funeral.

Speaking of irony, although Sucre’s two-timing whore of a girlfriend is stepping out with Hector, she’s actually pregnant with Sucre Jr. But she’s still marrying Hector because 16 months is a long time to wait. Man, Hallmark is missing out on a huge market by not making that kind of card. Sucre gets all menstrual over this turn of events, and nearly has a hissy fit when Mike asks him to keep watch while he goes digging again. Geez, dude, quit being a damn pussy and dump that tramp already.

Speaking of menstrual, Abruzzi sees Jesus in a bloodstain on his cell’s wall, which HAS to be worth at least $200 on Ebay if he had a digital camera. Apparently the guilt of having a 5-year old kid whacked is too much even for a hardcore gangster like Abruzzi played by a career psychopath like Peter Stormare. See, kids, even gangbangers have feelings. And hey, if Charles Manson can be forgiven by Jesus, there’s hope for anyone, I guess.

So Mike’s next phase of the plan involves flooding that sewage drain by plugging it at the bottom earlier in the show and then pumping water into it from the yard, and voila, he can just swim up to the top. Bellick, meanwhile, steps up his high-pressure interrogations by eating a cheeseburger in front of Tweener and getting him on his side. But he’s not a rat, no sir. Agent Hale, meanwhile, doesn’t even report back to Kellerman and just tells his wife that it’s time to hit the road, so it looks like he’s out of the show. Really, Kellerman works better alone anyway, and when your partner threatens to put a bullet in your head twice an episode, you have to be pretty dumb to stick around.

Abruzzi takes a shank to have the showdown with T-Bag, as he’s now an agent of God and thus offers him a choice — back out peacefully or die. Well, gee, I wonder what T-Bag will pick. And of course he picks option C — wait until Abruzzi’s back is turned and then slit his throat with a concealed razor blade. Aw, man, not Abruzzi! I was hoping it was C-Note who ate the shank. So problem solved, for now.

But with Mike’s preparations finished and the escape set to go for that night, they hit one last snag, as Lincoln gets tossed in solitary for distracting the guards by beating them up. Man, if it’s not one thing, it’s another…