Monday Morning Pancakes

LEADING OFF

From AP-

“Former Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin was charged with misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia after Plano police officers searched his vehicle during a traffic stop.

Irvin, an ESPN analyst and semifinalist for the Pro Football Hall of Fame, told The Associated Press late Sunday that the drug pipe found in his car belonged to a friend of 17 years who left a Houston rehab center and came to Irvin’s house in Carrollton for Thanksgiving. Irvin wouldn’t reveal his friend’s name.

Irvin said he put the pipe in his car because he didn’t want it in his house where his children might find it. He said he planned to drive somewhere the next day, like a grocery trash bin, and throw the pipe away but forgot.”

I KNOW I’m watching me some Monday Night Countdown TONIGHT!! Michael Irvin got JACKED UP. How bout them Cowboys!!?!?!??!

WEEK TWELVE

(7-4) FALCONS 27, (4-7) LIONS 7

Whattsamatta You?

It’s now a matter of when, not if Steve Mariucci will be fired. Oh wait, I just heard he got fired today. Well, there you go. There’s a real possibility that 3 out of the 4 coaches in the NFC North might not be back next year. But since Mike Tice is the new Wayne Fontes, maybe 2 out 4 will be back now.

How About?

Falcons TE Alge Crumpler going off for 104 yards and 2 TD’s? Way to step it up after I cut you from the fantasy team, A-Hole. Now I have to spend 5 more dollars to sign you again. There won’t be any Christmas in my house this year, thanks to you.

I’m a Genius

“The Falcons sleepwalked through that game, and they’ve done that through their last two games. If they don’t wake up for this one, they are in big trouble. I think they will play with a sense of urgency, and pull out of their tailspin.”


He Gone!
(9-2) BRONCOS 24, (7-4) COWBOYS 21 OT

Whattsamatta You?

Cowboys’ running backs Julius Jones and Marion Barber were both ineffective in this game. The Cowboys carried 32 times but could only manage 85 rushing yards, and average of less than three yards a carry, the international standard for badness.

How About?

Ron Dayne may be able to swing getting “First Round Bust” removed from his legal name if he keeps this up. He ripped a 55 yard run in the OT period to set up Jason Elam’s game winning field goal, and also had a 16 yard touchdown run earlier in the game.

I’m a Genius

“But the way the Broncos have been running the ball, and the way their offense has been putting points up (they haven’t been held below 20 since Week 1), I just can’t pick against them right now. They’re hitting on all cylinders, and they’ll win this Thanksgiving.”

(8-3) BENGALS 42, (3-8) RAVENS 29

Whatsamatta You?

Giving up 45 points to the Colts is understandable, but 29 points to the RAVENS? Cincy’s defense is fast becoming a problem area.

How About?

Jamal Lewis showed signs of coming out of his coma. He rushed for 113 yards and a TD. Rudi Johnson had 114 yards and 2 TDs for the Bengals. TJ Houshmandzadeh had 9 catches for 147 yards and a TD.

I’m a Genius

“The Ravens may hang around for a while in this one, but the Bengals will pull away to a comfortable victory.”

(8-3) PANTHERS 13, (4-7) BILLS 9

Whatsamatta You?

The self-proclaimed “Best Running Back in the Game”, Willis McGahee, averaged 2.5 yards on 21 carries.

How About?

Carolina’s moribund ground attack showed signs of life behind baseball cap stealing asshole DeShaun Foster. He carried 23 times for 77 yards. Still, that does not make up for stealing Patrick N.’s brother’s baseball cap in high school.

I’m a Genius

“This is a bad matchup for Carolina. The Panthers are almost exclusively a passing team, and Buffalo’s got the sixth ranked pass defense in the league. Luckily for Carolina, it’s also a bad matchup for Buffalo’s offense. Carolina is tough to run the ball on, and if Buffalo can’t get Willis McGahee going, they lose.”


Gay!

(8-3) BEARS 13, (7-4) BUCS 10

Whatsamatta You?

Bucs’ kicker Matt Bryant blew a 29 yard field goal with a little over 2 minutes remaining in the 4th quarter that would have tied the game and possibly sent it to OT.

How About?

Bears’ DE Alex Brown was a one man wrecking crew in this game. Not only did he have 2 sacks, one of which forced a fumble on the Bucs’ 1, setting up the Bears’ only TD, but he had FOUR pass defenses. How is it even possible for a defensive lineman to bat away 4 passes? Bucs’ WR Joey Galloway got back on track after being shut out last week, he had 7 catches for 138 yards. Tampa LB Derrick Brooks had 15 tackles.

I’m A Moron

“The Bears have proved a lot this year, but one thing they haven’t proved is that they can beat a good team on the road. Maybe they can, but they’ve got to show me they can before I can pick them to do it.”

(6-5) VIKINGS 24, (4-7) BROWNS 12

Whatsamatta You?

Trent Dilfer had a rough afternoon. The Browns’ QB was sacked 5 times, lost 2 fumbles, and was intercepted twice.

How About

Three touchdowns for Vikings receiver Marcus Robinson? Robinson had only 2 for the whole season coming into this game. The real story, and the reason the Vikings are back in the playoff chase, is their defense. Yesterday they had five sacks and 5 takeaways.

I’m A Genius

“The Vikings’ defense is finally starting to gel after its offseason overhaul, and it will lead the team to another win this week.”

(7-4) CHIEFS 26, (6-5) PATRIOTS 16

Whatsamatta You?

Four interceptions for Tom Brady. Oh, but Sean Salisbury told me that I should pick Brady as my “fantasy guy” next week, because he never has 2 bad games in a row. I can’t Sean, that’s not how fantasy football works. Someone else in my league already has Tom Brady. I don’t get to pick whoever I want every week. Since you get paid a six figure salary to cover football, maybe you should, I don’t know, do a little research and find out about that stuff.

How About

Tom Brady has a new favorite receiver! And it’s not his XM Satellite Radio receiver, its Chiefs’ safety Greg Wesley, who picked off 3 of Brady’s passes yesterday.

I’m A Genius

“New England’s defense has deteriorated to the point where it sucks against both the pass and the run. They came dangerously close to losing at home to the Saints last week. I mean, my God. Tom Brady keeps New England in the game, but the Chiefs get the win.”


Chiefs of Defense

(7-4) CHARGERS 23, (5-6) REDSKINS 17 OT

Whatsamatta You?

The Redskins have now lost 6 out of 8, and have been beaten at home by coaches that owner Dan Snyder has recently fired two weeks in a row. If Steve Spurrier brought the Gamecocks to FedEx Field next Sunday, the Skins would probably lose. Oh, and Drew Brees you’re not getting off easily just because you won either. Zero TD’s, 3 interceptions.

How About

LaDanian Tomlinson went positively yay-yo. He ran for 184 yards and 3 TD’s, including a 41 yard game winner in overtime.

I’m A Genius

“The Redskins are beginning to suck as bad as everyone feared they might at the start of the season. That and they lost at home to the Raiders last week. The Chargers beat the Raiders on the road by two touchdowns earlier this year. Ergo, the Chargers are going to spank the Redskins on Sunday. “

(3-8) TITANS 33, (2-9) NINERS 22

Whatsamatta You?

I’m beginning to think that this “Jose Cortez” is just some random guy that teams pull out of the stands when they need a kicker, but don’t want to find a real one. They slap a jersey on him that says “CORTEZ”, and the random guy misses field goals all day long, and we are none the wiser.

How About

Steve McNair showed flashes of brilliance. Playing against the 32nd ranked pass defense in the league will do that for a brutha. He threw for 343 yards and 3 TDs. Chris Brown had 105 receiving yards out of the backfield, and Travis Henry returned from a crack in the space-time continuum to rush for 86 yards.

I’m A Genius

“SF’s worse than their 2-8 record indicates, Tennessee is better than theirs indicates. I would also like to indicate that both of these teams are terrible. But the Niners are 2-18 on the road in the last 3 seasons, so I think the Titans are the winners here.”

(5-6) RAMS 33, (1-10) TEXANS 27 OT

Whatsamatta You?

You’re the Texans. You’re up by 10 points, at home, with 1:39 left to play, the other team has 3rd and 11, and they have a 7th round rookie from HARVARD playing quarterback. How does this scenario play out for you? Remember, you are the Texans.

How About

Said 7th round rookie was Ryan Fitzpatrick. He came off the bench for an injured Jamie Martin and passed for 310 yards and 3 TD’s, including a 56 yard completion to Kevin Curtis to win the game in OT. Texans’ WR Andre Johnson woke up for this one, catching 12 passes for 159 yards and a TD.

I’m A Genius

“Even without Marc Bulger, the offense has a huge day and the Rams take out some frustrations on the Texans. “


Houston Snatches Defeat From the Jaws of Victory

(8-3) JAGUARS 24, (3-8) CARDINALS 17

Whatsamatta You?

Neil Rackers missed a field goal? God, does that guy suck. What good is he if can only make 32 out of every 33 field goal attempts? They should cut him and bring in Jose Cortez.

How About

Byron Leftwich left early with an injury, but backup David Garrard stepped in and led the team to victory, rushing for 61 yards and a TD. Make no mistake though, the Jags missed Leftwich in this game. Garrard completed only 46% of his pass attempts.

I’m A Genius

“Arizona has to be able to throw the ball effectively to win. Jacksonville just happens to have the best pass defense in all the land. I think the Jags contain Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, and come out of Sun Devil Stadium with a huge road win.”

(4-7) DOLPHINS 33, (4-7) RAIDERS 21

Whatsamatta You?

Kerry Collins was sacked seven times by the Dolphins. Norv Turner and Steve Mariucci might want to start practicing that ventriloquist act. Dolphins’ RB Ronnie Brown lost 2 fumbles.

How About?

Dolphins’ defensive ends Jason Taylor and Vonnie Holliday had 3 sacks apiece.

I’m A Moron

“Norv Turner’s coaching for his NFL head coaching career right now, and the Raiders will creep to within one game of break even with a win this week.”

(5-6) EAGLES 19, (2-9) PACKERS 14

Whatsamatta You?

Hey, no need for Donovan McNabb to be on the sidelines with a headset on and, you know, kind of try to help his team in any way he can. Why do that when you can be sitting up in a luxury box with your mom and her Chunky Soup and a backwards NY Yankees hat on? Say what you want about TO, but the guy knows a sack o shit overrated coach (Steve Mariucci) or quarterback (Jeff Garcia and McNabb), when he sees one.

How About?

The Eagles finally got some kind of a running game going, even if it was against a defense that made Mewelde Moore look like Barry Sanders a week ago. Brian Westbrook rushed for 117 yards.

I’m A Genius

“Andy Reid owns his old employers, and knows how to beat Brett Favre. The Eagles get the first win of their post-apocalyptic era.”


Interception:Favre, Fish:Barrel:Gun

(9-2) SEAHAWKS 24, (7-4) GIANTS 21 OT

Whatsamatta You?

Achi Machi, the Giants rolled up almost 500 (actually 490) yards of total offense. How’s about a little defense Seattle? If Giants’ kicker Jay Feely doesn’t miss a 40 yarder at the end of regulation, the Giants win. But, as they say, if ifs and buts were candy and nuts…

How About?

Hawks’ WR Joe Jurevicius had a huge day against his old team, going for 137 receiving yards and 2 touchdowns. The Giants had 2 receivers have 100 yard days, Jeremy Shockey (127), and Plaxico Burress (109).

I’m A Genius

“The Giants defense is a shade weaker than the Seahawks’, and when you’re playing on the road against a team that has won 18 of 21 at home, that’s enough for a loss.”

(3-8) SAINTS 21, (2-9) JETS 19

Whatsamatta You?

The Jets looked like they were driving to a game winning field goal when Brooks Bollinger connected with Doug Jolley to give the Jets’ 1st and 10 on the Saints 33 with 1:37 remaining. Then, with no timeouts remaining, Herm Edwards called a draw to Curtis Martin that lost a yard, Brooks Bollinger fumbled a snap on the next play, then Bollinger threw a 3 yard completion. That left Mike Nugent with a 53 yard field goal attempt that came up short. It was clock management at its worst.

How About?

Curtis Martin has now rushed for over 14,000 yards in his career. The only other guys to do that are Emmitt, Walter, and Barry.

I’m A Genius

“SAINTS 17, JETS 14”


Way to Go, N.O.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOOOOBALLLLL????? MONDAY NIGHT
(7-3) PITTSBURGH STEELERS AT (10-0) INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
9 PM Eastern, ABC, Colts favored by 8

Setting the Stage

With each passing week, it looks less and less likely that anybody is going to beat the Colts. They are undefeated after ten games, and are playing their best football of this year, or probably any other year, right now. After last week’s loss at Baltimore, this game becomes a must win for the Steelers. A must win against a 10-0 team is not a place I would like to be.

News You Can Use

The most important news item going into this game is that yes, Ben Roethlisberger is going to play.

Last year, the Steelers spoiled the unbeaten records of two teams. They beat the then 6-0 New England Patriots, and week later, handed the 7-0 Eagles their first mark in the right hand column.

The formula the Steelers will use to try and stop the Colts is no secret, they’re going to run the ball at them. The Colts know that, and it will be up to them to stop it. Colts DT Montae Reagor told reporters this week, “That’s what Pittsburgh’s all about. They’re going to come in and run it. If you put eight in the box, they’re going to run it. If you put nine in the box, they’re going to run it. We’ve just got to do our job. “

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST

The Steelers’ pass defense ranks behind the Bengals’, and you saw what the Colts did to the Bengals defense last week. Peyton Manning carves up the Steelers’ suspect secondary, and the Colts pull away after toying with the Steelers for a half.

COLTS 33, STEELERS 21

All I Want for Christmas Is..

Steelers

For the love of God, never to have to see Tommy Maddox on the field again.

Colts

19-0.


Uhhh…yeah

IF THE PLAYOFFS STARTED TODAY…

The following teams would be in:

NFC
1. Seattle 9-2, NFC West Champs
2. Chicago 8-3, NFC North Champs
3. Carolina 8-3, NFC South Champs
4. Dallas 7-4, NFC East Champs
5. NY Giants 7-4, Wildcard
6. Tampa Bay 7-4, Wildcard

First Round Matchups:
Tampa Bay at Carolina
NY Giants at Dallas
Bye: Seattle, Chicago

AFC
1. Indianapolis 10-0, AFC South Champs
2. Denver 9-2, AFC West Champs
3. Cincinnati 8-3, AFC North Champs
4. New England 6-5, AFC East Champs
5. Jacksonville 8-3, Wildcard
6. Pittsburgh 7-3, Wildcard

First Round Matchups
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Jacksonville at New England
Bye: Indianapolis, Denver

Ok that’s it for Week 12. Next weekend we start the home stretch of the season, I’ll see you then.