Last Night Was The Most Amazing Night Ever!
I GUARANTEE YOU THAT…
…is what Lawler tells us…
Well we’re here to tell you how it is at…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
H to the Ernandez!
J to the Enna
C to the hris
B to the ill’in
D to the ani
and Me, Hizatton…
Tonight, we are going to address the loss that Raw felt last night at Survivor Series, losing two of the three interpromotional matches. There will be HELL TO PAY!!!! Or… umm… nothing in particular. At least it could possibly motivate some matches.
“How’s Cena doin?” – Enter roommate Jeremy
“I donno.. I can’t see him….. HA!!! GET IT!!! HA!” – Me
“Wow.. I didn’t see that coming..” – Bill
Starting the show, the beginning is ended and Bischoff stands firm in the ring. He is going to call every wrestler–
“That has ever lived” – Bill
— in the Raw lockerroom to come to this ring to discuss what happened last night when they let Bischoff down. He has put everyone on notice that failures like last night’s Survivor Series will not be tolerated. He is ordering every Raw wrestler to come down to get a piece of his mind RIIIIGHHHTTTT NOOOWWWWWW!
Nobody shows up..
“Aww.. they’re shy.” – Chris
As Eric is on his way down to go find someone and he is going to fire the first person he sees… hey! Here comes Vince!
Vince comes down and asks Bischoff to please not fire him. He likes his job. As a matter of fact Bischoff isn’t going to fire anyone, Vinnie told them not to come down. Vince reminds him of his three goals of Survivor Series:
1 – Team Raw would win the Survivor Series match
2 – He would single handedly defeat Teddy Long
3 – Kurt Angle would defeat John Cena for the title
“Well that SHOULD have happened” – Dani
“At least it was a funny match..” – Hernandez
Vinnie states that since he completed none of these goals… he might in fact be a failure. Raw had it’s big moments with Bischoff at the helm, but now he’s starting to fail… kind of like the way WCW worked… OOoooo he went there.
“Perception is reality.. maybe you’ve heard me say that before” – Vinny
“err…never.” – Me
“That’s just their pillowtalk” – Hernandez
So anyway.. if they percieve Bischoff as a failure. They will percieve Raw as a failure. They might percieve VINNY as a failure.
“Ummm Raw IS a failure” – Chris
“Shhhh…” – Me
So Vinny asks Bischoff to set a goal, and accomplish it. So tonight Eric has to set a goal and accomplish it, or Vince might be looking for a new GM. So Eric takes the mic and tries to defend his record and reputation.
“My goal is Eugene will lose.” – Chris
Bischoff seems to believe that there is nobody out there that could possibly replace him. …….
HEEERE COMES THE MONNNEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
“NEPATISM!” – Chris
“That’s my BOY!” – Dani
“Did he get divorced or something?” – Hernandez
“All is right in the world” – Dani
“I guess he sucks Vince’s dick too?” – Jenna
SHANE O MAC IN THE HOUSE!
“You know Eric… I never really liked you. I’m actually looking forward to seeing you go. As far as it goes, to answer your question… who could replace you? You are lookin’ at him. I was born to do this job.” – Shane
And Shane gives not a chance to let Eric speak — HERE COMES THE MONEY! I never get sick of hearing that theme.
Tonight though – Shawn vs. Carlito – Next
Does Shane Become GM By The End Of The Show:
“I sure hope so…” – Dani
“I agree with Dani” – Jenna
“GIMMICK!” – Chris
“No… Too Soon.” – Hernandez
“No. Just f*cking with Bischoff” – Bill
“As long as Shane sticks around for at least a week or two.. I’m in.” – Me
Hey! It’s Shawn!
Possible Sign Of the night – “Angle Got Screwed”
SHAWN vs. CARLITO
Will Shawn Take A Bite Of The Apple?
Raw experiences some technical difficulties.
“Eugene is in the control booth again” – Hernandez
So why are they wrestling? Because if Carlito had run Team Raw.. it would have won.. sure..
So in the ring, Carlito slaps Shawn and throws him out of the ring. Chokes Shawn with his shirt and drags him into the ring. Kicks Shawn to the gut, but Shawn returns it with a couple huge chops…. goes for a third and Carlito ducks and hits the lie-down backbreaker and continues the kicks and punches.
They sit in some holdspots, headlock from Carlito – and Shawn throws Carlito out of it, and they have a nice little hiptoss exchange ending in a mat based headlock from Carlito again.
Shawn fights to his feet… elbows out of it and throws Carlito who holds the ropes, throws Shawn who holds the ropes and skins the cat….. he turns around and gets clotheslined over the top HARD by Carribean.
“The ref’s counting… I haven’t seen them do that in ages!” – Chris
Carlito takes a three step back and OVER THE TOP ROPE! Crossbody RIGHT onto Michaels.
“Never underestimate the jalepeno..” – Hernandez
Carlito drags Shawn back into the ring and gets a two count. A stutter step in the video ONCE AGAIN…
“And Kane wins!? …WHA?” – Bill
Carlito throws Shawn into the corner. The chop attack begins….
“Poor Carlito… it’s the turning point.” – Chris
“Actually, I think he might win it” – Hernandez
Shawn tosses Carlito to the ropes – Carlito leaps onto the top rope – another crossbody onto Shawn for the pin… momentum swings for Shawn who only gets two. Up on the top – they fight to their feet again. Shawn hits the crossbody and NIPPPPP UPPOOOoooo Shawn fails on one leg. Looks like he might have twisted his leg.
Shawn rolls out and the ref comes with him – looks like Shawn might really be hurt.. sliding baseball slide RIGHT into Shawn, but Shawn is remaining on his back as we hit commercial.
COMMERCIAL (See.. we hit it.)
In the ring the match continues… as Coach tells us it MUST continue.
“They stopped OWEN’S match…” – Chris
So it is a nice lil work, but Carlito continues to work the leg and Shawn gets to the corner. Carlito charges in and takes a STIFF boot to the face. Shawn climbs for the moonsault, but Carlito pulls his leg and goes for a belly to back but Shawn fights out of it. Shawn climbs to the top…
He drops the elbow!
“And the kick-up… and the fall back down..” – Bill
Shawn gets to the corner …….
J – OW! – E – OW! – S – OW! – U – OW! – S – OW! He tries to throw the superkick.. He can’t do it!
Carlito hits the gullotine and ONLY gets a two count! Carlito picks up Shawn who skirts behind him and then CRUMPLES… Carlito tries to pull him up, but Shawn pushes him into the ref. He hits the corner – and SNAP – SUPERKICK!
WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS
They show the replay and I still can’t tell how much of a work it was… Shawn pulls it really well. Ah well…
“News will tell” – Jenna
OK in the back, Kurt claims that he has been a part of the biggest screwjob in WWE history! He WANTS that WWE title…. He NEEDS it… If he can’t have it, he’ll do something worse than what Boogieman did to him last night…
“This is a shoot.” – Me
“He’ll do it worse than Boogieman… while spitting” – Bill
So last night… it took everybody to eliminate the Big Show… and Rey got the pin.
“Big Show is looking corpulant…” – Chris
“He is the BIG Show..” – Me
So tomorrow on Smackdown: Special – Rey vs. Big Show
So also Ric bled a lot in his match versus Trips… but in the end Triple H beat up on the old man.
In the back again.. Bischoff gets an interview with Boobage McTahTah.
“Eric.. are you ok? I just wanted to ask you.. do you think you are going to get fired tonight?” – Maria
“What did you just ask me?” – Bischoff
“Are you going to get fired tonight?” – Maria
“Who asked you to do this?” – Bischoff
“…Well Shane McMahon!” – Maria
I love Boobage so much! So Bischoff makes a match tonight… Maria versus Kurt Angle. She shakes her head no in a cute little way, and Bischoff declares his goal tonight is to never have to hear Maria ask a stupid question again…
“Unfortunately Stone Cold isn’t there…” – Eric
“She looks like she could take a beating.” – Chris
“I would go as far as to say she could USE a beating.” – Bill
In the ring Maria is trying to talk to Lillian Garcia… and here comes Akbar..
IT’S A TRAP!
“It’s the All American…. DAVAIRI” – Bill
KURT ANGLE vs. MARIA
I almost want to stop calling her Boobage!
Davairi comes in and starts to yell at Maria, and another ref comes in to yell at Davairi, sending him out of the ring. They continue to fight it out and the ref throws a horrible fist and Akbar heads on out…. Awww, no he didn’t – he runs in and lays waste to another ref!
“So .. when’s the match?” – Bill
Davairi puts the ref into the camel clutch while Maria stomps sadly in the background. Now that referee Chad Patton is out of the way, Davairi goes back to yelling at Boobage… he then introduces Kurt – The Rabble does the Fish Chant… and Angle grabs the mic.
“Maria… clam down.. don’t be afraid… this is Eric Bischoff’s idea. This is a stupid idea. All I want you to do is come over here, give me a hug, and we’ll call it a day.” – Kurt
“Here comes the ass grab.” – Chris
Maria comes in for the hug.
“You smell like my wife.” – Hernandez
Angle of COURSE hits the angle slam. He’s going for the ankle lock, when Cena comes charging in.. a couple fists.. a shoulderblock.. and a clothesline right over the top rope!
“He’s a knight in crappy merchandise!” – Bill
Masters of course now runs down and throws Cena into the Masterlock while Angle comes in and starts punching the hell out of him. Bischoff comes on down and declares his goal is to have Cena tap out and lose the WWE title.. so tonight he has to defend the title against Kurt Angle —-AND—– Chris Masters in a No DQ – Triple Threat – Submission Match.
And Angle hits Cena with the Angle Slam… just cuz!
Prediction for main event:
“I’d laugh if they gave it to Masters” – Jenna
“Cena wins.” – Chris
“Chris Jericho saves Cena… I dunno.. I just wanted to mention Jericho” – Eric
“Kurt wins and his wife gets half” – Hernandez
“It doesn’t matter.. I’m Christmas shopping” – Dani
“Cena’s probably going to keep it…” – Bill
“I predict Cena wins with a sharpshooter…” – Me
Hey.. Trish Stratus is here with Mickey James, and Mickey winning the lech award tonight.. so far.
Hey here comes Ashley… and Ashley takes the lead…
“She’s wearing two bras…” – Bill
“She’s wearing pink tape..” – Jenna
So here comes Candice… and Candice does NOT take the lead!
“Adam’s apple .. no!” – Chris
..and Torrie Wilson.
“Chuck the dog at the opponent!” – Bill
TRISH/MICKEY/ASHLEY vs. TORIE/CANDICE/VICTORIA
12 Angry Breasts
In the ring Torrie starting it up with Mickey. And there are some flubs that I won’t mention and Mickey finally hits a crossbody and tags in tonights official lech – Ashley! Ashley gets a top rope double ax… but Torrie catches it and drags her into the corner.
A tag to Candice and drags her up as she climbs up to the top and the triple beatdown continues. A tag to Victoria and a stiff punch drops Ashley. Victoria hits a snap suplex and floats over for a two count.
Victoria tries to bring her up, but gets hit in the stomach. Follows up with a chinlock. Ashley keeps trying to get to the corner.. keeps getting stopped. She eats a textbook bodyslam. Victoria runs outside and goes for a slingshot legdrop but misses. Ashley hits the corner and tags in Mickey James who goes all fisty all over Victoria!
Mickey hits some fists… a crossbody.. and some sweet little stiff kinda kicks. Candice runs in to stop a pin – but Mickey moves. As Candice slides out of the ring Mickey gets up and Victoria CHARGES with a clothesline. Victoria sends her to the corner, but Mickey gets the headscissors – tosses Victoria – hits the Stratusfaction annnnnnddddd….. Ref in the way as Torrie tries to charge in and Trish tries to stop it. FLUUbBBBB!
Anyway.. Mickey gets the pin and goes and gets the title before handing it off to Trish sheepishly.
WINNER: THE GOOD BREASTS
In the back Bischoff gets interrupted by Shane! He promises that Cena will tap out. Shane discusses how Eric abused his power with Maria… so Bischoff is now going to be honest with Shane. He declares that he is nothing more than member of the ‘Lucky Sperm Club’. Shane grabs him by the shirttails and tosses Bischoff into the wall. He goes nuts ALL OVER Bish!
“Come on… he faced Kane!” – Eric
“Come on… he faced Test!” – Hernandez
“Hey! He did a HUGE leap onto a table in that match” – Dani
In the far back Angle discusses how the first hammerlock and Davairi’s gonna ‘make’ Cena tap. Mathters showth up.. he talked to Vinny himself and got an imparthial referree.. so Davairi thould take off hith ‘cute’ little ref thirt..
“How does Masters get a title shot?” – Dani
“They felt bad.. he was in the ring and all..” – Eric
“Vinnie just wants to give him that long awkward hug after he wins the belt” – Hernandez
So in the ring now.. Shelton Benjamin is in the ring! He gets to face.. Trevor Murdoch?
“He’s Country.. ANND he’s rock and roll!” – Hernandez
The match begins and Shelton charges right in and beats the hell out of Murdoch, tossing him out. Benjamin hits the top turnbuckle and leaps onto Murdoch.
He tosses Trevor back in and sends Murdoch into the corner. He goes for the Shelton-Splash.. Murdoch moves and Shelton does the standing leap right onto the top rope… but gets caught by Murdoch and he begins the beatdown. That, in fact, lasts not so long until Benjamin hits the spinning heel spot and a two count.
“Murdoch looks like everybody on the Jerry Springer Show” – Lawler
“He said it better than we could” – Me
“Sad… true.. but sad…” – Hernandez
Shelton hits the top rope – misses a clothesline – and Murdoch hits him in a facedrop for two. Shelton leaps up to the top again… and MISSES A SUNSET FLIP!!! Badly… like an OUCHY kinda miss… Murdoch capitalizes and doubleaxes Shelton. He trips him into the second rope – pulls him over for a pin – holds the tights.. Gets the pin!?!?
WINNER: TREVOR MURDOCH
And Triple H is in the house.. prepare for a 20 minute entrance…
“He was the product of a dungeon” – Commercial for Bret Hart
“Heheheh..heheh..that sounded dirtier than I know it was..” – Me
Hey we’re back and it’s MID-ENTRANCE of Triple H! Now it’s only FIVE Minutes long!
“You will never look.. as good as Dave… in a suit. You should just stop” – Dani
“It has come to my attention that some of you people think I’m not a compassionate man. I’m a regular humanitarian. When they took Ric Flair out in that ambulence. I personally made sure that they took Ric to the best hospital in Detroit.”
“Did you pull his plug?” – Hernandez
“I made sure he had the big flat screen tv.. and turned on the USA network and made sure he didn’t miss one moment of Raw”
“He’s watching UFC right now” – Hernandez
“Do you think he’s in the Eminem rehab suite” – Dani
“He’s chasing a nurse…” – Hernandez
“I just have one thing to tell you Ric… stay down. It’s time to realize and admit that Ric Flair is gone.”
“What happened to him?” – Dani
“He got beat up last night” – Eric
“You got to go out on top. Two back to back pay per view matches with the greatest wrestler in the world today. You know as well as I do that there is no shame in you losing to the best.”
“If you’re so good, how come you don’t have a title?” – Dani
“..shh.. he might hear you” – Me
“Ric – go home. Live out the rest of your days… you are not wanted here anymore.”
“Bill wants Ric here” – Eric
“Wooo…” – Bill
Trips sits and argues with the audience for a bit about it.
“Stretching!” – Chris
“Who’s coming out?” – Eric
“David Flair would be very nice right now.. but it’s not going to happen” – Hernandez
“New goal Bischoff!” – Bill
He now says that someone will have to tell him to his face that Ric Flair is still worthy of beating in the ring. Hey.. Here Comes The BIIIG Showwwww….
“Isn’t Show too TALL to tell Triple H to his face?” – Dani
“Big guy.. big nose.. seems an even match.” – Jenna
Show grabs a mic.
“I’ve known you a long time. I’ve let a lot of the things you’ve done slide. After what you did to Ric Flair.” – Show
“I had to shake your hand” – Eric
“–I’m here to tell you face to face. Eye to eye. Man to Man.” – Show
“Penis to Penis” – Chris
“–You are a piece of **SOUND EDIT** I don’t need a sledgehammer to put someone out of their misery. I have my own bare hands.” – Show
“Or have them strapped to a stretcher… KWANG!” – Hernandez
“–Do YOU have the guts to fight me now?” – Show
Hunter now with the mic:
“Do you KNOW what the problem is— FWAP!”
Show tosses the mic RIGHT out of Hunter’s hand – and it was awesome!
“Somewhere there is an audience member walking away with a WWE microphone.” – Eric
Hunter then backs out… and leaves. Nice setup!
COMMERCIAL (Note: We have two matches left night… it’s 10:41)
To save time.. we come back in and Kane is pinning Tomko. Tomko is now pinning Kane. Wheee….
Snitsky gets a tag but Kane faceslams him and tags in Big Show. Show clotheslines Snitsky and Tomko.. hits a sideslam on Snitsky – gets a HARD powerslam to Tomko and the pin is stopped by Snitsky who eats a flying clothesline from Kane. Show grabs Kane and hurls him RIGHT into Tomko… Big Show grabs Tomko… CHOKESLAM UP! And drops to a KNEE to make it look AWESOME!
WINNERS: KANE & SHOW
(Note: This match was lacking commentary as we were giggling at a sign of a person with an A Button being pressed during the pin)
We’re back and Kurt Angle is already in the ring… and we’re here in time to see Masters full entrance?!
“You can’t just come popping in here.. gay as a cricket!” – Hernandez
“..there’s one cheer..” – Bill
“It’s his mom.” – Hernandez
“It’s the guy who really likes the sparklers.” – Eric
“Do you hear that Vince. That’s the sound of you not making any money on that guy.” – Dani
Ahh.. and if the audience is right.. the CHINGANG is here!
CENA vs. ANGLE vs. MASTERS
SHANE O MAC!!!!
Cena gets to the ring and attacks Angle! Well there we go! Masters stops him, and now the doubleteaming starts!
So Cena’s on his back as they do back and forth elbows. A doubleteam suplex. And out of nowhere Angle turns and kicks Masters right in the gut and tosses him over the top rope… he comes back in and Cena goes fist to fist with Angle. He drops the clothesline on Angle and then on Masters. Cena grabs Angle for the FU… but Angle slides down for the Ankle lock!
Masters runs in and hits the Masterlock! Angle ‘doesn’t’ break it… heheh…Angle looks like he might break it…… but he’s starting to fade.
“Look at his big ol purple head” – Bill
Kurt gets back up to his feet.. then down to his knees and in comes Cena to stop the hold! They now go fist to fist and Masters gets a vertical suplex on Cena. He sets up for the Masterlock on Cena. He hits Cena with it! God can they PLEASE stop pushing him. Albeit this is all through a ‘Cena Sucks’ chant.
Cena is now fading…
“RUB HIS NIPPLES!” – Chris
Angle comes in and stops the hold and begins punching and verbally insulting all over Masters. He throws Masters into the corner – Reversal – Angle bounces back into the Masterlock.. but slips down and HITS THE ANKLE LOCK! Nice little set-up there.
Cena though climbs to the top and drops Angle! He hits a bunch of clotheslines… the spinning powerbomb to the mixed boos and cheers and goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle —
“You CAN’T Cheer Me!” – Me
And as he’s going to hit the ropes, Masters hits him with the clothesline to stop the momentum flat. Angle removes the straps and heads to the outside to get a chair! He charges in and is about to hit Cena in the face – but Cena lifts the boot and Angle falls out of the ring…. Cena takes this time to hit Masters right in the knee with a chair!
He repeats this…. and hits a TIGHT STF ON MASTERS! After a long moment… Masters taps!
WINNER: JOHN CENA!
In the back Vince and Shane watch on and decide they are going to have to take out the trash…. back in the ring Cena and Kurt yell at each other as Cena walks out up the ramp.
What did the Rabble think?
“What a great time to do my Christmas shopping! Oh! And Shane!” – Dani
“Surprisingly more entertaining than usual.. because of the show.. or because of us?” – Chris
“Chris Masters is boring.” – Bill
“I don’t know if Bischoff being gone is a good or bad thing.” – Eric
“The new writer should be shot.” – Jenna
“I reserve my judgements til next week” – Hernandez
“Shane equals all the ratings.. Mathterth equalth the reth’t of them” – Me