The Crucifix

Yes I am still alive, just very lacking in the writing spirit as I battle the flu. But I just can’t seem to let you bastards (and bitches, don’t want to leave out the ladies) down. 1 email and then I’ll start, because I gotta put something to bed:

“Dan” stop f*cking around. I know that you’re Hyatte and you just decided to use a different pen name. Why you would change your column name and your name is f*cking beyond. You had a fan base and then you decide to take a new name. Piss guzzler. – J Alter

Ok…now for all of you that haven’t noticed it…I’m not Hyatte! I’ve been writing for IP for like a f*cking year and a half. While I don’t know Hyatte too well I can tell you that he wouldn’t change his name/pen name and wouldn’t change his column name. Hyatte exited IP and is now at DOI, the indy haven and the site will the most psychotic forums you’ll ever see. If you want to see people talk about racial murders and the involvement of April Hunter with…like…every mammal, that’s for you. I’m Dan Hevia, you didn’t kill my father, but prepare to die. Thanks!

Good evening jizz moppers, I’m Ch…almost blew my cover…f*ckers…on with the show…

– PWTorch (lit by Muhammed Ali, just a fun fact) is reporting that Batista may have initially strained his lats at Taboo Tuesday trying to give Vader a spinebuster, with Vader not giving proper lift on the move the first time around. As previously reported, Batista has opted to rehab the injury rather than get surgery that would leave him out of action for at least three months.

Well I guess that “Legends” thing isn’t panning out too well. Hint to WWE: They’re “Legends” because they’re all different types of old. Don’t stick them in there with DAVE, who, by the way, is older than Flair. Fun fact number 2 of the column.

– Kurt Angle is really pushing Vince to give him another title run.

Kurt has to remember one phrase that will assure that he never gets another title run: Viva La Raza. It’s bad enough Eddie was supposed to win the title the night he died. It’ll be worse if they have to hold a title tournament because the champ flat out died. I’m sure Angle is a nice, hard working guy, but in a month when his head is two sizes smaller and he isn’t psychotic before he gets to the ring, they may think it’ll be ok. That’s when he’ll die. All about timing, this business is.

– Kane extended his contract with less of a downside guarantee in exchange for the chance to star in “See No Evil,” the WWE Films movie set to hit theatres on May 19, 2006.

Jacobs should really go burn himself in a fire now, because that is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while. “Hey, anything you and your company has EVER done outside of wrestling has tanked like a Diesel title run, but I’ll make less money for a chance in this movie thing you’ve got going.!” Fool I tell you…

– Stephanie McMahon’s tribute to Eddie was filmed from Connecticut, as she wasn’t able to fly after recent nasal surgery. WWE creative team member Dusty Rhodes was also recently told not to travel after an injury sustained at an indie show.

You think after Chyna Triple H would stop jackhammering ladies faces. Now his crazy pelvis f*cked with her nasal passage? That’s a LOADUH!

– The Web site for WSOC-TV, Charlotte (NC) is reporting that “Pro wrestler Ric Flair faces assault charges after a road rage incident on Interstate 485 in Charlotte. Another driver said Flair attacked him and his car.”

The Intercontinental Champion was allegedly driving on I-485 in holiday traffic on Wednesday 11/23 when he pulled up along side the above driver, “got out of his car, walked over to the vehicle, grabbed him by the neck and damaged his car.”

There are two warrants out for Flair according to police, but Flair’s attorney Richard Finnell said his client was unaware of them. Flair is scheduled to return to Charlotte tomorrow.

Candidate number 2 to die soon? A whole mess of people are rearranging their Dead Pool lists as we speak. Flea better get ready to pay the piper…er…winner…yea.

– WWE held it’s annual turkey spectacular, the Survivor Series, on Sunday. No I didn’t spend the money on it because…well…I have better things to do with my money. But here’s some short thoughts…no not short form…that’ll be Eric in a bit…short thoughts:

Booker T def. Chris Benoit: It’s the first of seven, it doesn’t even matter. Kind of like the NBA: Watch the last two minutes and you’ll get the gist of it.

Vince McMahon is talking street with Cena and drops the Necca Bomb. 1) He wasn’t being racist, just street. 2) Necca Bomb should be someone’s finisher.

Trish Stratus def. Mimi from Rent: 525,600 reasons not to watch Survivor Series. This ain’t one of them. Bless Stratus, who is my friend on MySpace. Either that or I’ve been tricked by an imposter. Due to my last line, I’ll be getting at least 1 “YOU ARE HYATTE!” emails…no. Hyatte tipped me off, I searched through 98 Trish Stratus’ and found the best one. I’m probably being lied to, but I like it better that way.

Triple H def. Ric Flair: This is actually the best built feud in WWE right now. That’s coming from someone that doesn’t watch the show. HA!

Edge and Lita come out to talk trash to Dimitri Young from the Detroit Tigers. They tell him he’s on steroids. “Hi! I’m Edge the pot here with Lita the pot top! We’re calling YOU black kettle!” Coincidentally, Dimitri is black…this shwo is now just plain racist. Dimitri did hit 3 home runs in the first game of the season last year, giving me an early fantasy lead, so he’s cool.

Cena def. Angle: Seems like some people hate Cena. Glad it’s rubbing off from us interneters!

Teddy Long def. Eric Bischoff: I’m the Boogeyman! They should team him with Disco Inferno…get it? Ha!

Team SD def. Team Raw: Orton survives to set up Undertaker’s return? This is why buy rates are down…this is another TV show, but people paid $35 dollars for it. All it’s doing is setting up the next thing. That’s it.

Victoria Alert

Upcoming Appearances: None
Web Updates: None

Nope, no sign of Lisa so far. Are you out there love?

Pay It Forward…To My Door

It’s the holiday season and I feel unloved. I don’t really get gifts because…well…I just don’t. But I give gifts…every week…to you. I give my literary genius to you and you gobble it up. Now, it’s time for you to give back. See, I’ve seen people put out their wish lists on Amazon. They go light, bunch of DVDs. Not me. Go here and send something my way. You can email me here to get my shipping address. Here is where you can find your teammates to get me some of the bigger ticket items. My dad always said, if you’re gonna ask, ask for a bunch of crazy shit. Thanks guys!

On that note, I’ll see you with The Art of Wrestling on Thursday! Adios!