Pancakes In the Age of Enlightenment- I am the Great Humongous

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So we all know that Oprah was on David Letterman last night. Me, I don’t watch Dave, and I don’t watch Oprah if I can help it, so the much ballyhooed irony of the situation was pretty much lost on me.

.My girlfriend, though, happens to be a big fan of the Oprah Show. About a month ago she called in to the studio, somehow got through, and managed to score 4 tickets. Her, her friend, her mother, and my mother went to the show a couple of weeks ago.

Many of you reading this might have girlfriends, wives, mothers, sisters, or friends who have a burning desire to one day attend the Oprah Show. If that’s the case, you might want to pass this first hand account onto them. They might not want to go so bad after reading it. Or they might, who knows. Oprah’s Kool Aid is pretty strong stuff.

So, without further introduction, please welcome the lovely and talented Sylvia:

Many people watch the Oprah Winfrey Show and imagine what it would be like to be an audience member. You call, you email, you hope to get on my favorite things but your day just never comes. Well now you get to hear it from the perspective of an audience member who finally got through. I’m a huge Oprah fan, unfortunately I can’t watch her show in the morning because I work, and I can’t watch her show at night because I sleep. I don’t have TIVO unless you want to pay for it so whenever I get a chance to watch her I do and I also subscribe to her magazine.

I go on her website and write in all the time hoping to get on her show, finally one day I saw that her telephone lines were open and I called. I got threw! After waiting for twenty minutes someone answered the phone and took my reservations. You are not told what the topic of the show is, just choose the day and time and you are set. Okay, that was easy. I was excited. Of course everyone hopes and prays that you get the My Favorite Things show. A couple of days before my guests and I were scheduled to go to the show I heard Oprah had the favorite things show. I was sad. Now what could the topic be? We had the afternoon show so they told us to be there between 11 and 1130. Okay. The four of us, took the train into the city and arrived at the studio at 1045. People were already in line, so we decided to stand in line also. Bad idea. It was below negative degree tornado like wind chills and the first day of snow. So here we are standing outside of Oprah’s studio for 45 minutes before they start letting people inside. Our toes were frost bitten, our lips were black and blue and our fingers were numb. They finally started letting people in a little at a time. Check your bags, check your coats and head upstairs. No water, no coffee, no hot chocolate, no nothing. My expectations were a little bit more than this. I mean, I don’t expect caviar but at least some warmth. Was this a test from Oprah? I don’t understand why she doesn’t have a more comfortable waiting area. Do people always have to wait outside whether it is raining, snowing, or freezing cold? It doesn’t matter if the weather is nice, but when you live in Chicago that only comes 3 months out of the year.

When we got inside the building it was still cold. You show your ID, tell the people who is in your party, they take your cell phones, cameras, food, anything that they think shouldn’t go inside, give you a ticket and send you on your way to the upstairs. The upstairs is just a sitting area with a bunch of plastic chairs lined in rows, and there usually are not enough for everyone to sit down. The bathrooms were disgusting! Six stalls for more than 300 audience members, most of which are women coming through twice a day. I don’t think so Oprah. But again, is this another lesson? Is this to teach us not to take clean toilets for granted.

Once they seat in the studio they talk to the audience to get you excited. One of the people on the staff came out to talk to us and it looked like they didn’t even shower that morning. One of the questions they asked is how people got their tickets. About 5 people got it from calling in, no one got it from email, so basically the only way you get to go to the Oprah Show is if you know someone who works there, slept with someone that works there, or have some kind of connection. That really made me mad. My friend knows a friend who knows a friend…If the employees are going to get tickets it should just be a limited amount, and the rest should go to people who are calling or writing in. The show I went to the entire audience was friends of the staff. What crap!

Finally Oprah came out, and the topic of the show was porn addiction. Interesting topic. Not something you would really choose to go to, but honestly porn addiction? Why do we have to talk about this on Oprah? I know that one of Oprah’s mission of her show is to make people think. Well, by the end of the show I was thinking to myself, “shit, is my boyfriend addicted to porn?” (Editors Note- OH HOH HOH….hope you enjoyed that episode, because that’s the last one you’re watching on MY TV girly.)

So after the show I didn’t know what to think anymore. My toes were still trying to unthaw. I was starving and dehydrated because I couldn’t bring anything to eat or drink inside the building, and I didn’t know if it was all worth going to see porn addiction with Oprah.

I don’t know Oprah personally, so I don’t really know what kind of person she is. I will probably take a brake from trying to go to the Oprah’s show and have to stand outside in the cold. Unless I know for sure what the topic is and have a good breakfast in the morning. I will probably just stick to reading her magazine or watching the episode from my friends TIVO. I’ll still be a fan, but from the comforts of my home.

So there you have it, loyal readers. The moral of the story appears to be, maybe one of Oprah’s favorite things should be a bathroom that doesn’t look like something you’d find at the corner bar at 3 AM on a Saturday morning.

WEEK 13

As we head into the home stretch of the season, the games on the NFL schedule clearly fall into two categories; those that matter, and those that don’t. From here on, we’ll be separating the wheat from the chaff. Startiiiiiiiiing…NOW!

GAMES WITH EARTH SHATTERING PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS

NFC

GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-9)
AT CHICAGO BEARS (8-3); Currently #2 Seed in NFC
1 PM Eastern, FOX, Bears favored by 7

What It All Means
In recent weeks, the Bears have made a habit out of doing things they supposedly can’t do. Two weeks ago, it was thought their record was the product of a weak schedule, then they went out and beat the 7-2 Panthers. Last week, it was thought they couldn’t win a tough game on the road, then they went to Tampa and beat the 7-3 Bucs. This week, they face a Packer team that they have not beaten at home in their last 12 tries. If they can accomplish a victory, an NFC North title seems to be a lock, and they keep themselves in position for a first round bye. A loss, and all of a sudden they could find themselves only a game ahead of the red hot Vikings, with a game in Minnesota between the two teams still to play.

News You Can Use

-The Bears’ defense is the top rated unit in the NFL. However, out of the 11 games they’ve played, 8 of them have been against offenses that rank 22nd or lower in the league.

-Speaking of the Bears’ D, their success could result in the loss of its architect, defensive coordinator Ron Rivera. He is rumored to be one of the leading candidates for the Lions’ top job in 2006.

– There is a new book hitting stores soon written by the late Walter Payton’s wife Connie, and children Jarrett (now a running back for the Tennessee Titans) and Brittney. The book is titled “Payton”, and you may be surprised to learn who wrote the foreword for the book. It’s Brett Favre. Like Favre, Payton was a Mississipi native. Favre wrote in the book, “I played on several different teams throughout high school and college, and for all the Mississippi youth that I played with, he was the icon, the idol. He set the pace for all of us. Even if you weren’t a running back, Walter was still the guy you looked up to for how to be a team player and also just a good guy, on and off the field.”

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Sure, the Bears have the top ranked pass defense in the league, and the Packers’ offense relies entirely on the pass, which will probably render the Packers offense useless. But, the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers at home, something they get a chance to do every year, since 19 Friggin 93. Picking the Bears to beat the Packers at home is like picking the sun to pop up in the west tomorrow, no matter what the records going in are.

The Bears are in the odd position where a loss could actually be beneficial to them, because it would probably result in them benching Kyle Orton, the lowest rated QB in the NFL, for Rex Grossman. That’s going to happen at some point, and better it happen sooner than later. Here’s the deal. I want the Bears to win. Usually, I pick the Bears to lose, and they go out and prove me wrong. I’m not messing with that formula.

PACKERS 20, BEARS 16


My Hero, and Favre’s

ATLANTA FALCONS (7-4)
AT CAROLINA PANTHERS (8-3); 3rd Seed in NFC
What It All Means
If the playoffs started today, the Falcons wouldn’t be in them. They’re on the ass end of a three way 7-4 deadlock between themselves, the Giants, and Tampa for the 2 NFC Wildcard spots, and by virtue of their not so good 4-3 NFC record, and a loss they already have to the Bucs, they’d be out. Given that fact, a loss here would be crippling to their playoff chances. Until further notice, every game is a must win for them.

The Panthers are trying to stay on top of the NFC South, and avoid being tossed into the wild card scrum. Their offense has put up a grand total of 16 points in their last 2 games combined, and until they can establish some sort of running game, those problems could continue.

News You Can Use
-Just as Brett Favre is the bane of the Bears’ existence, Michael Vick has tormented the Panthers. He has started five games against Carolina, and the Falcons have won all five of them. Vick has killed the Panthers as a runner. He has carried 43 times for 378 yards and 4 TDs lifetime against Carolina.

-There’s only one team in the NFL that has rushed for over 100 yards in every single game this year, and the Falcons are it.

-RB DeShaun Foster may have had a good game last week, but that doesn’t mean he’s the guy at running back now for the Cats. Foster had 22 carries in last week’s win over Buffalo, while Stephen Davis had only 7. Panthers head coach John Fox said that doesn’t mean anything, telling reporters this week, “We’ve got two running backs who, when healthy, have carried the load for this team for a few years.”

-It’s now a matter of public record that Panthers players were advised by Dr. James Shortt on how to avoid testing positive for performance enhancing drugs. A judge heard 3 taped conversations between Shortt and where Shortt advised players who were then Carolina Panthers on how to beat the tests.

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The last time these teams met, Atlanta hung 204 rushing yards on the Panthers. 68 of those came from Michael Vick. The Panthers’ defensive line is going to have to make a mental adjustment to avoid pinning their ears back and overpursuing, or they will get burned again. This is a matchup of two one-dimensional offenses. The Panthers are all pass, no run. The Falcons are all run, no pass. The difference is going to be that the Panthers are better at stopping what the Falcons do best (they rank 3rd in the NFL against the run), than the Falcons are at stopping what Carolina does best (Atlanta is middle of the pack against the pass). The Panthers finally get a win against Vick.

PANTHERS 27, FALCONS 21

DALLAS COWBOYS (7-4); 4th seed in NFC
AT NY GIANTS (7-4); 5th seed in NFC
1 PM Eastern, FOX, Giants favored by 3

What It All Means
Simply put, both teams need this game, but the Giants need it a lot more.

It’s down to these two teams in the NFC East. They have already met once this year, with the Cowboys winning in OT 16-13. That means another win over the Giants gives Dallas a sweep, and puts the Giants 2 games back of the Cowboys with 4 to play. Neither of these teams wants to slug it out for a wildcard, especially not the Giants. A loss here would give them 4 dings in the NFC this year, and that’s going to mean they’ll probably lose any tiebreakers for that wildcard spot.

News You Can Use
-Most of the news surrounding the Cowboys this week has involved a guy that hasn’t played for them in a long time, Cowboy alum Michael Irvin. Irvin was arrested last week for possession of drug paraphernalia, which he claimed belonged to a friend of his. Irvin’s current employer, ESPN, has suspended him for one week as punishment.

-Which reminds me, Patrick N., I left my meth pipe in your glove compartment last Friday. You probably don’t remember because you were passed out. It was after we beat up those hookers.

-Do you know who leads the NFC in sacks? It’s Giants’ DE Osi Umenyiora, who has ten, including seven in his last 5 games. Dallas coach Bill Parcells has taken notice of the 3rd year Nigerian superstar, saying this week, “I’m impressed recently with number 72. I don’t know that I can say his name properly.”

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
These teams match up very evenly, as evidenced by the fact that they went to overtime when they met in Week 6. The Giants have a bad pass defense, and that’s troublesome against a team with as many weapons in the passing game as the Cowboys. But the Cowboys have had a lot of trouble running the ball lately, and it will be hard for them to pick up a win on the road over the Giants if they can’t keep Big Blue’s potent attack off the field. Meanwhile, the Giants can play keep away by keeping the ball in the hands of Tiki Barber. I like the Giants to get the season split here.

GIANTS 28, COWBOYS 23

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (7-4); 6th seed in NFC
AT NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (3-8)
1 PM Eastern. FOX, Bucs favored by 3 ½

What It All Means
After resuscitating their season with two huge road wins over Washington and Atlanta, their kicking game cost them a big game at home against the Bears last week. They’re holding onto the final playoff spot in the NFC by the skin of their teeth. With Carolina, New England, and Atlanta on the docket the next three weeks, the Bucs can’t afford to lose one to the lowly Saints.

News You Can Use
-After Bucs’ kicker Matt Bryant missed a 29 yard field goal that probably would have sent the game into OT last week, Tampa head coach Jon Gruden said that Bryant had been bothered by a strained hamstring. That injury could keep him from kicking this Sunday. Todd France was signed to the practice squad this week, and Bryant is listed as questionable.

-With a huge game last week, Bucs’ WR Joey Galloway went over the 1000 yard mark for the season. It’s his first 1000 yard season since 1998. The 7 year gap is the longest between 2 1000 yard receiving seasons of any player since Wesley Walker did it for the Jets in 1978 and 1986.

– Saints QB Aaron Brooks has been great against the Bucs in recent years. Not only have the Saints beaten Tampa 4 times in the last 3 years, but Brooks has thrown 10 TD passes versus only 3 interceptions in those meetings. Bucs’ CB Ronde Barber told the Tampa Tribune “I don’t know what it is about him (Brooks) specifically or what he’s seeing against us, but he just seems to have a feel for what we’re going to do.”

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Saints usually play all their NFC South rivals tough, but Tampa’s got the second ranked defense in all the land, and the Saints will have problems getting anything going offensively against it. Expect Cadillac Williams to have a big day against NO’s 29th ranked run defense, and the Bucs to grind out a workmanlike win.
BUCS 23, SAINTS 14


Galloway’s Flexed His Muscles This Year

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (6-5)
AT DETROIT LIONS (4-7)
1 PM Eastern, FOX, Vikings favored by 3

What It All Means
The Vikings, as is their custom, have only showed up for half a season this year. The twist is that this year, that half is the second half. Their opportunistic defense has them on a four game winning streak, and vaulted them onto the periphery of the playoff picture. They probably need to win out to make the postseason. A game against a disheveled Lions team this week gives them a great chance to get the first of the 5 more wins they’ll need.
News You Can Use
-The baton of Most F’d Up Team in the league has been passed this season from the Vikings, to the Eagles, and now to the Lions. As you probably know by now, Lions head coach Steve Mariucci was fired on Monday. This prompted Lions’ CB Dre Bly to give an interview in which he pretty much blamed the firing of Mariucci on the ineptitude of quarterback Joey Harrington. Bly later apologized, but when you say something like that, the horse has done left the barn brah. Now the speculation begins on if team president Matt Millen will be ousted.

-The Lions’ interim head coach is former Bears’ coach and Lions’ defensive coordinator Dick Jauron. Jauron named Jeff Garcia his starting quarterback for this week’s game. Lots of names have been thrown out there for the coaching vacancy, but the name that seems to have the most buzz surrounding it is Bengals’ offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski.

-Have you been wondering if or when any of the Vikings’ players implicated in the Sex Boat scandal will be handed down any sort of discipline for their alleged misdeeds? I know I have. So far, nothing, and Vikings coach Mike Tice has said that he won’t hand down any punishments unless criminal charges are filed, and so far none have been.

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Vikings’ 27-14 win over the Lions in Week Nine was their 7th straight in this series. The Lions couldn’t stop Michael Bennett in that game, and if you can’t stop Michael Bennett, you suck, real bad. The Vikings bitchify the Lions, again.
VIKINGS 24, LIONS 17

AFC

TENNESSEE TITANS (3-8)
AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (11-0); 1st seed in AFC

What It All Means
It would take an unlikely act of God, such as Peyton Manning being smited with a crippling case of Chlamydia, for the Colts not to finish with the best record in the AFC and have home field throughout the playoffs. From here on, it’s all about being the first team since the 72 Dolphins to go undefeated.

News You Can Use
-Or is it? Colts’ coach Tony Dungy has indicated that he will rest his starters as soon as the Colts’ lock up home field advantage, whether they are undefeated or not, saying “They don’t give rings for going 16-0”.

I say, Tony Dungy, if you don’t do everything you can to try and get the Colts to 16-0, if I see Jim Sorgi as your starting quarterback when you’re still undefeated, then you, sir, are a vagina.

39 teams have won the Super Bowl, but none of them have done what these Colts have a very good chance of doing.

The 2005 Colts have a chance to be remembered as the best team in NFL history. When you have a team that has a chance to be the best team in NFL history, you are doing a disservice to the players on that team to take that opportunity away from them. And who knows, maybe in resting those players, you lose your edge. Maybe another team gets hotter than you during that time, or gets better than you during that time. Then, maybe, you don’t get your undefeated season, OR your Super Bowl ring.

If the Colts have a chance to go 16-0, they should take it.

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Indy’s won 5 straight against the Titans, and blew them out earlier this season in Nashville. Peyton Manning passed the ball at will in that game, the Colts averaged almost 10 yards per pass play. That’s per pass PLAY, not per completion. He’ll do whatever he wants to do in this game too.

COLTS 35, TITANS 14

DENVER BRONCOS (9-2); 2nd seed in AFC
AT KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (7-4)
4:15 PM Eastern, Broncos favored by 1

What It All Means
The Broncos are pretty much locked into that 2 seed in the AFC. With games remaining against Baltimore, Buffalo, and Oakland, they seem like a lock to get to 12 wins, which would be enough to win the division and would be the second best in the AFC. KC, on the other hand, is in a tough spot. They are in a 3 way tie for the final playoff spot in the AFC (with Pittsburgh and San Diego), but are at the bottom of that pecking order thanks to a loss against San Diego. Their remaining schedule after this week is at Dallas, at the Giants, then home against San Diego and Cincy. Unless they step up their game big time in the home stretch, they’re going to miss the playoffs again this year.

News You Can Use
-One of the big reasons why the Broncos have been so successful this year has been the playmaking ability of their defense. They’ve got 25 takeways through 11 games, which is more than they had all season in 02, 03, and 04.

– You never know which of the Broncos’ running backs, or if all three, will lay the hurt on the opposition this week. On Thanksgiving, it was Ron Dayne who was the feature back, and he led the Broncos to an overtime win. This week, it could be any one of Dayne, Mike Anderson, or Tatum Bell, who will be back in the lineup this week after missing last week’s game with an injury.

– KC running back Larry Johnson was named the AFC Offensive Player of the Month for November. Johnson stepped in for the injured Priest Holmes, and rushed for over 100 yards in each of the Chiefs’ four games during the month. He’ll have the added benefit of Future Hall of Famer Willie Roaf back on the offensive line this week after missing time with a hamstring injury.

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Both of these teams are pretty good at stopping the run. The Broncos are 1st in the league against the run, and KC, believe it or not, is 5th. But you wouldn’t know that from looking at the stat sheet from the Broncos 30-10 pasting of the Chiefs at Mile High in Week Three. The Broncos ran for 221 yards against the Chiefs on that night. KC’s tightened up considerably since then though, and they’ve held LaDanian Tomlinson and Willis McGahee in check recent weeks to prove it. What this game will come down to is which quarterback can make a play and get his team in the end zone at crunch time. Jake Plummer’s a winner, Trent Green’s not, so I like the Broncos.

BRONCOS 26, CHIEFS 21


Player of the Month

CINCINNATI BENGALS (8-3); 3rd seed in AFC
AT PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-4); 6th seed in AFC
1 PM Eastern, CBS, Steelers favored by 3 ½

What It All Means
This is the biggest game the Bengals have played in 15 years. There’s a very good possibility these teams could meet in the first round of the playoffs. Where that game would take place depends in large part on who wins this game. The Steelers already have a win over the Bengals this year, and sweeping the season series would give them a big edge in the AFC North race. However, they are also in danger of missing the playoffs entirely. A win here puts them in great position, but a loss puts them in panic mode.

News You Can Use
-Bengals RB Rudi Johnson needs 32 yards on Sunday to become the third back in Bengals’ history to run for 1000 yards in three consecutive seasons. Corey Dillon and James Brooks are the others. Another Johnson, Chad Johnson, has now topped 1000 yards receiving 4 years in a row.

-Wille Parker had a big game for the Steelers when these teams met earlier this year. He ran for 131 yards on 18 carries, an average of over 7 yards per. He has missed time with injuries recently, and has struggled to regain his early season effectiveness, but gets the start this week in hopes that he can repeat that performance.

– Ben Roethlisberger’s balky knees are feeling OK, but now there’s word that the thumb on his throwing hand is bothering him. He will play on Sunday, but it will be interesting to see whether the injury effects his throws.

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Steelers have dropped two in a row. If they make it three, they’re in big trouble. They’re not running the ball like they did last year, and they’re not running the ball like they did when they ran for 221 yards in a 27-13 win over Cincy earlier this year. But, maybe the cure for that comes this week. The Bengals are giving up 4 ½ yards a carry this year, and they have given up 74 points in their last 2 games. You need to better than that to go into Heinz Field and get a win.

STEELERS 24, BENGALS 23

NY JETS (2-9)
AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (6-5); 4th seed in AFC
4:15 PM Eastern, CBS, Patriots favored by 10

What It All Means
New England’s going to win the AFC East by default, and they will be the fourth seed in the AFC Playoffs. You can pretty much take that to the bank.

News You Can Use
-Don’t be surprised if Jets’ CB Ty Law is back in his ancestral home of New England next year. He has the option to terminate his contract with the Jets after this season, and the Newark Star Ledger has reported that he will strongly consider resigning with New England. God knows they could use him. The Pats rank ahead of only the Niners in pass defense.

-Tom Brady has compiled a passer rating of 100.9 in his last 4 games against the Jets.

– The Pats could become only the 4th team in NFL history to win their division despite giving up more points than they’ve scored. They’ve been outscored by 36 points on the season. The worst scoring differential in history by a division winner was posted by the 78 Vikings, who won the NFC Central despite being outscored by a total of 12 points. So the Patriots are not so good.

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Jets could hang around for a little while in this one. They have a tough pass defense (4th in the NFL), and the Patriots are completely one dimensional offensively, and that dimension is the passing game. But you can’t win if you have no offense, and even against a defense as bad as New England’s, the Jets don’t have an offense. The Pats will win comfortably, eventually.

PATRIOTS 28, JETS 13

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (8-3)
AT CLEVELAND BROWNS (4-7)
1 PM Eastern, CBS, Jaguars favored by 3

What It All Means
Jacksonville’s victory tour through the tomato cans of the NFL continues this week with a trip to Cleveland. This comes on the heels of a four game winning streak over a quartet of teams that have a combined record of 10-34 (Houston, Baltimore, Tennessee, and Arizona). The Jags are a full game ahead of the rest of the wild card pack in the AFC, and seem like a pretty safe bet to reach the playoffs.

News You Can Use
-The Jags enter this game with a lot of injuries on offense. Fred Taylor was downgraded to doubtful on Friday, and he will not play in this one. David Garrard will be the Jags’ quarterback for the rest of the regular season, at least. Byron Leftwich broke his ankle early in last week’s win over Arizona.

-Browns QB Trent Dilfer has been hampered by a knee injury, and this would seem like a prime opportunity to give rookie Charlie Frye a start. Head coach Romeo Crennel still won’t say who’s starting, saying only, “I’ve got two choices. Both have been getting work all year. I have confidence in both.”

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Browns rank 28th in the league against the run. So it’s really a non-issue that Leftwich won’t be playing in this game. The Jags’ defense renders Cleveland’s passing game useless, and the Jags run all over the Browns en route to another win.

JAGUARS 28, BROWNS 10


Garrard’s the Guy Now

OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-7)
AT SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (7-4)
8:30 PM Eastern, ESPN, Chargers favored by 11

What It All Means
The Chargers are the boogeyman that’s been lurking on the outskirts of the AFC Wildcard picture all year, and now they are making their move. The impression is that they had a murderous early season schedule, and they did, but the late season schedule ain’t no game of hopscotch either. They have back to back road games at Indy and KC, followed by a season ending home game against Denver. They have to be hoping that Indy wraps up home field early, and Denver salts away the second seed before they play them in the finale.

News You Can Use
-The Chargers have all the talent in the world, especially on offense. That makes it all the more inexcusable that the team has given the ball away 4 more times than they’ve taken it away this year. Coach Marty Schottenheimer said on the subject, It (success despite the turnover problems) cannot last, I assure you. It absolutely will catch up with us. Trust me. But my expectation is we should not ever have to verify that, because they better stop.”

-If LaDanian Tomlinson gets to the endzone in this game, he will have reached 80 touchdowns faster than any player in NFL history, He’s done it in 75 games. Jim Brown did it in 76 games. Throw in the fact that a lot of the touchdowns came on Chargers teams that sucked donkey balls, and it’s mind boggling how good he is.

-With the Raiders’ offense not coming close to meeting the high expectations set for it, the clamoring for QB Kerry Collins to be benched has grown louder. Collins answered that clamoring this week when he said, “This is my team. I expect to be in there as long as I’m healthy. I’ll continue to feel that way and to give the effort and prepare and play hard on Sundays.” The man that Raider Nation wants to see replace him, Marques Tuiasosopo, has thrown 49 passes in his 5 year NFL career, rolling up a passer rating of 54.6. Yeah, he sounds like he’s the answer.

HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
I’m going to throw 2 statistics at you, and that’s all I’m going to say. Since 2003, the Raiders are 4-17 on the road, and 2-14 against their own division.

CHARGERS 36, RAIDERS 20

Of course, not all the games this week will alter the genetic makeup of the 2005 Playoffs. Some games have absolutely no meaning whatsoever. Unless you have money on them. Or guys on your fantasy team. Then they mean everything. To you. Not to me.

PLAYING OUT THE STRING

BUFFALO BILLS (4-7)
AT MIAMI DOLPHINS (4-7)
1 PM Eastern, CBS, Dolphins favored by 4

– The Bills have announced that JP Losman will be their starting quarterback for the rest of the season.
Good luck with that.

-Bills’ DT Sam Adams was so upset that he was left inactive for last Sunday’s loss, that he left the stadium before the game started. He made sure to tell the FOX sideline reporter that he was leaving before he took off too.

-Dolphins’ DE Jason Taylor was named AFC Defensive Player of the Week for Week Twelve. He tied his career high with 3 sacks, one of which was for a safety.

QUICK N DIRTY PREDICTION
Ronnie and Ricky run roughshod.
DOLPHINS 20, BILLS 14

HOUSTON TEXANS (1-10)
AT BALTIMORE RAVENS (3-8)
1 PM Eastern, CBS, Ravens favored by 8

-The Texans’ unfathomable collapse in the waning seconds of last weeks’ game against the Rams has fueled speculation that coach Dom Capers could be launched any day now. Owner Bob McNair has maintained that no changes will be made until after the season.

-Last week it looked as if Jamal Lewis was being phased out as the Ravens’ running back in favor of Chester Taylor. Now Taylor is hampered with a foot injury, backups Musa Smith and Justin Green are likely out for the year, and it looks like Lewis will be getting more carries than he has all season.

QUICK N DIRTY PREDICTION
Houston’s dead last in the league in run defense, Jamal Lewis is heating up, and the Ravens are 16-5 at home since 03. Oh yeah, and Houston is just butt ass bad.
RAVENS 21, TEXANS 13

ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-8)
AT SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-9)
4:05 PM Eastern, FOX, Cardinals favored by 3

-Cards’ CB Antrel Rolle, the 8th player taken in this year’s draft, could be ready to return to the field soon. He has missed the last eight weeks following knee surgery, but has targeted Week 14 against the Redskins for a return date.

-Anquan Boldin had a lot to say this week about the officiating in last week’s home loss to Jacksonville. Boldin told reporters, “Honestly, I watched film today and a lot of this stuff is just pathetic, just to say the least.” I get that feeling a lot too when I watch the Cardinals.

-SF’s quarterback du jour for this game will be first overall pick Alex Smith. Head coach Mike Nolan has indicated that Smith will be the guy for the remainder of the season, saying, “”I would like to see him the next five weeks. He’s the guy. I certainly will not make a change unless there’s an injury or something like that.”

QUICK N DIRTY PREDICTION
Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald go yay-yo against the 32nd ranked SF pass defense. Cardinals get second road win in a row after winning only 1 out of 20 on the road.
CARDINALS 25, NINERS 19

WASHINGTON REDSKINS (5-6)
AT ST. LOUIS RAMS (5-6)
4:05 PM Eastern, FOX, Redskins favored by 3

-The Rams could be looking across the sideline at their 2006 head coach on Sunday. Redskins’ defensive coordinator, and former Bills head coach Gregg Williams is rumored to be one of the leading candidates to lead the Rams if Mike Martz is let go, as expected, this off season.

– Speaking of Martz, it’s starting to look like may return to the Rams’ sideline at some point this season. He is recovering from a heart infection. Rams’ WR Isaac Bruce said regarding Martz, “It’s just like a player who got hurt and came back into the fold. We’ll welcome him with open arms.”

-It is likely that rookie QB Ryan Fitzpatrick will get his first NFL start this week. The seventh round pick out of Harvard was named NFC Offensive Player of the Week after throwing for 310 yards off the bench and leading the Rams to a near-impossible comeback win in Houston. First stringer Marc Bulger is likely out for the season with a shoulder injury, and backup Jamie Martin left last week’s game with a concussion he is still feeling the effects of.

QUICK N DIRTY PREDICTION
The Redskins are seemingly locked in a death spiral where they find a way to lose every week. Rams are 17-4 at home in last 3 seasons, Skins are 6-15 away from home. Gimme the Rams.
RAMS 26, REDSKINS 20


This Crimson Alum Will Try Not to Get Creamed

That’s it for this week. I’m running a little late so I’m going to hold off on letting you know about some of the great stuff on IP Sports and elsewhere on Inside Pulse until Monday’s column. Until then, have a great weekend and good luck to your team!