In Memoriam: Card Walker, the unsung hero who kept the Mouse alive during the tough times between Walt’s death and Eisner’s ascendancy.
In Memoriam II: Glenn Burton. Yes, the great agonomist helped increase food supplies worldwide thanks to his work on pearl millet, but every golfer can tell you that his work on Bermuda and other short grasses was a lot more important (Thanks to Smitty for the heads-up on this one).
Oh, has my life been chaotic over the past few days. I’ve got one company in Oklahoma that wants to bring me in for an interview, but it can’t be this week, it has to be next week, because people I need to interview with over there are on vacation. Another large company is now considering me for a few openings they have. And, weirdness has to strike. Eight years ago, I had a short-term job up in Wisconsin which only lasted a couple weeks. Now this company wants me back, ironically to do the same job they wanted me to do eight years ago. I’m probably heading there sometime this week. At this point, I won’t turn them down, even though I had such a bad experience there last time that every time I’ve seen one of their trucks on the road, I’ve wanted to do some tire-slashing. I’m just hoping something comes out of this.
Of course, I have no hopes ever that something will come out of Smackdown. This week’s been disillusioning enough thanks to Beth Flair’s divorce complaint going public, revealing things about Naitch that we never wanted to know, and with the bile and spooge being let out due to SD’s “lack of respect” on the Tuesday night special. Oh, come on, guys, it’s WWE. Of course they’re going to verge into bad taste, if indeed it was. Think about it from one particular perspective: what would Eddy have said about it? I think he would have been cool with it. The burning low-rider isn’t a symbolic auto-da-fe (pun intended) regarding Eddy’s legacy. It’s a perfect fit with the mies-en-scene of the UT/Orton feud. Casket on fire, low-rider on fire…it’s actually surprised me that they’re going with Hell In A Cell as the blow-off instead of an Inferno Match. So lay off on them, please.
Now that the regular season is over, let’s chat a little on the college football front. No BCS busting this year, because they obtained their desired result courtesy of a pair of sick, sick, sick games. I, of course, could take a little pleasure out of one of them due to the fact that Gary Barnett got raped up the ass by a barbed broomstick named Vince Young (for a second time this year). But that USC/UT game will be interesting, to say the least. However, the national title game probably won’t be the best bowl game of the season. There are at least two others, as yet unconfirmed, that might be better. The Fiesta will be one of them. It’s almost certainly going to be Notre Dame/The Ohio State University, unless Oregon boosters have some nude photos of the bowl organizers somewhere. That should kick ten colors of serious ass. And thanks to the upsets on Championship Saturday, the Peach Bowl will almost certainly be backing into a matchup that a month ago was a serious contender for a National Title Game: VaTech/LSU. In the meantime, Geritol and Viagra are now scrambling to get ad time on the Orange Bowl broadcast, as we’re probably looking at the titanic JoePa/Bowden matchup. Allegedly, their teams will participate as well.
You want a dark horse bowl viewing option? Try the Sun Bowl on for size. It’s going to be UCLA versus Northwestern, two of the most explosive offenses in CFB. And neither team plays defense. The over/under for this puppy might be in triple digits.
Screw it, let’s go to the show…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Super Crazy and Psicosis over (in order of elimination), Nunzio and Big Vito, the Legion of Dumb, Scotty Go Potty and Sho Funaki, Paul London and Brian Kendrick, and Chad Dick and James Dick, Number One Contender Tag Team Battle Royal: So, what exactly was the purpose of this? I think we’d all figured out that it’d be the Mexicools versus MNM at Armageddon. They have to downplay the Legion of Dumb in order to get a little more life out of them, so there was only really one choice for an opponent. They didn’t need a battle royal to set this one. Moreover, they didn’t need a battle royal in which one actual tag team, Regal and Burchill, was left off in favor of Scotty and Funaki. Of course, Regal had a singles match scheduled, so that sort of justifies that. But if I were the Brits, I’d be pissed that I missed out on my “chance” at a tag title shot.
I haven’t been to a strip club in a long time. What’s the going rate now for a table dance?
So how many of these guys are taking it out on Animal because they can’t take it out on his brother?
London and Kendrick have a little double-team fun with the Mexicools
There’s a circumcision joke to be made here, but I can’t think of a good one right now
Our Lord and Savior over Mister Regal (Submission, Crossface) Booker was right when he said, “This is a main event anywhere in the world.” (and even more surprisingly, Booker’s commentary didn’t ruin the match) Can we switch opponents for the Best of Seven and start over again? I would commit genocide to see a Best of Seven Benoit/Regal series. Or do the memories of what they did that night five years ago in Cincy spoil me for life? Probably, but I really don’t give a shit. Whenever they’re in the ring together, it’s wonderful, and I enjoyed this match tremendously, despite the fact that it was an Angle Advancement Match for the Best of Seven. More, more, more, more, more, I say without a trace of greed in my voice.
He’s in shock that this one isn’t on Epilepsy
Oh, come on, you don’t put the Sharpshooter on Regal
If you thought this sequence was boring, close your browser and never visit this site again
Randy Orton over Matt Hardy (Pinfall, RKO): This was a 1) Angle Advancement Match with 2) Randy Orton and 3) Matt Hardy. Three strikes, you’re out. Let me just state this now: anyone who likes either of these guys, and that includes my fellow columnists here, is a retard. Oh, why couldn’t UT have just interrupted the match to save us this six minutes of misery?
Just wasting time until UT’s appearance
The Boogeyman over Simon Dean (Pinfall, face-first plant): Oh, my God, I think this gimmick is going to work. They’ve been very careful in setting the groundwork for this one (interrupted by Boogey’s injury). You know, they could really use Pat Patterson as a consultant for this one. He got UT to work, he got Kane to work. Something like this is right up his alley. And I can even see where they might go with a possible Boogeyman/Dean feud, which might help Bucci break out of his doldrums. Imagine Dean deciding to recruit someone to buy into the Simon System (kinda like what he was doing with Maven before Maven was released). Now let that someone be Kamala. That might be a winner for a short comedy feud, and it’d do something a little more with the Legends program than what they’re doing right now.
Bucci finally reaches his limit of being used as everyone’s debut match bitch
Well, it is tastier than Jenny Craig
Bobby Lashley over Sylvain Grenier (Pinfall, Dominator): Why did “Bobby, Bobby, Bobby” work so well with Holly but not with Lashley? And are they going to keep bringing in people named Bobby so that Grenier can keep using that line? As for the match, maybe Pat Patterson is still around, making his influence felt, because there’s no other reason I can think of that Grenier should have got in any offense against Lashley, let alone the amount that he did.
Lashley’s attempts to get the French-Canadian Throw as an Olympic sport sadly failed
The Big Show and Kane over Rey-Rey and High-Quality Speaker Boy, Non-Title Interpromotional Tag Main Event (Pinfall, TBS pins Rey-Rey, double chokeslam): Throw away the angle in this one of High-Quality Speaker Boy going to the back to deal with his accidental eye-poke and concentrate on this: those two have been teaming together so much recently that they’re developing into a damn good tag team (no surprise, really; Rey-Rey can do anything, and High-Quality Speaker Boy has spent most of his WWE career as a tag specialist). Considering that they’ve got High-Quality Speaker Boy on the verge of a turn anyway, it might be an idea to use as a catalyst. However, I have no clue as to how that could be booked considering that MNM will be screwing around with the Mexicools…well, they could always do the whole Mexican thing, but fitting that into High-Quality Speaker Boy’s character now would be difficult. But they’re not paying me to come up with booking ideas, although they damn well should.
Yes, folks, he made four TV appearances in six days. And you think life is fair?
I’m sorry, but Kane’s facial expression here cracks me up
A flying shoulder block from High-Quality Speaker Boy? What’s gotten into him lately?
Angle Developments:
Blind Pig Finds Acorn: Did Randy Orton cut a coherent, quality promo? Well, it had to happen sometime, folks. So kudos to Randy for bringing some intensity to the table for a change. He’s set up the HITC quite well and is helping to bring interest to the match. I’ll be shaking my head about this for some time.
Yeah, here’s the perfect way to start off your Friday night
I’d have a lot more respect for Matthews if he asked him one question: “Are you a heel or a face tonight?”
Now We Know What “Eternity” Means: The whole Orton/UT thing only lasted for about seven minutes. But it may have been the longest seven minutes that I’ve ever experienced on a wrestling program. I don’t know why, really. Maybe it was the combination of the lighting, the blocking, and the charisma-free presence of Dorkboy on camera for an extended period of time (the promo plus the previous match and entrance). It was just interminable. However, HITC is going to be the main event match of Armageddon, so they needed to do something to make it exciting. Actually, Orton did more during his opening promo to help that cause than this did (see above).
Orton vehemently insists to Long that he hasn’t killed the ratings for the show this week
Talking Heads: So, Krystal’s returned as a mic jockey. The “designated cunt” from this year’s Diva Search was a decent hire, I have to admit. She had some spark in her that translates well to a backstage commentator’s role (she just needs some practice; she was pretty dire in her first try, but try to remember when Christian and Trish started to cut promos). But that still leaves one huge question: where the hell is Elisabeth? She was the only one of that group of bimbos that I could stand to watch.
The bitch is back
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Chris Sabin over Petey Williams, Alex Shelley, and Austin Aries, X Division Fatal Four-Way Even Though They Can’t Call It That (Pinfall, Sabin pins Williams, Cradle Shock): A very good piece of match booking here. Sabin needed a high-profile win desperately. Shelley needed some exposure. Both of them got it. Sabin was even booked to pin the right person. It means more to pin Williams in this type of situation than it would have to have pinned Aries or Shelley. It helps equalize things a bit at the top of the X Division after Williams’ wins in Ultimate X. As for Shelley, the match was about seven minutes long, and he was involved for most of it. That exposure, combined with his camera gimmick, is helping him to get over quickly. After the Waltman debacle, he seemed to have been ignored by TNA, which he definitely didn’t deserve. I’m grateful to see that TNA finally seems to know what they have in the Baby Bear. Now turn him loose and let him kick ass. Just don’t feed him to Joe.
Suddenly I’m getting flashes of Gerard Damiano and Artie Mitchell
Be sure to tune in in two weeks, when the X Division does their production of “Seven Brides For Seven Brothers”
Uh, Austin, only full-timers are allowed to beat the crap out of Sabin
These days, you’re required to be from Wisconsin to use this move
The closest Spike will ever come to broadcasting gay porn. And, yes, this was the move where the crowd chanted “That was gay”.
“Do that shit again, Alex, and I’ll stomp on your balls like I’m stomping on Aries’!”
Now this deserves a “Hail Sabin”
Abyss over Kenny King (Pinfall, Black Hole Slam): Yes, it’s Kenny King from Tough Enough. It’s really surprising how many Tough Enough people are actually making a living in wrestling these
days. However, this situation definitely points out the difference between TE winners and losers. King lost TE2 and gets squashed by Abyss. One of the winners is currently f*cking around in the Jarrett angle and is not getting squashed by anyone, much less Abyss. Although Gayda would probably be game for it, knowing her.
I do have to say this, though: that was the gentlest barbed-wire chair shot I’ve ever seen. Come on, Abyss, Sabu’s taken a lot worse in his time.
Didn’t Al and Big teach him that this just doesn’t work?
Simon Diamond, David Young, and Elix Skipper over Raven, Handicap House Of Fun Match (Pinfall, all three pin Raven, Fun With Tables): Okay, I have to admit it, I’m getting off on this angle. One of these days, we’re going to have to do a list of the twenty-five best mic guys in the history of the business. If we do, Larry Z and Raven will both be on there. Just compare this to the ongoing nightmare that is the Cena/Bisch angle on Raw, and you can see what two legendary mic guys can do to a tired premise like this one. The quality of the angle dispels the sheer weirdness of things like Cassidy Riley doing a run-in and kicking serious ass and Elix Skipper in a garbage match. Quality stuff, but escalating things is going to be a problem. Raven’s already had his way with most of the Grievous Bodily Harm Division, so we’re not going to take any of them seriously (and most of them are otherwise occupied at this time). I think they’re going to take a chance on Sandman, but if they do that, Fullington’s going to have to turn on Larry because the audience won’t buy him being used as a tool. It’s at this time that they’re ruing the fact that Tommy Dreamer’s perfectly happy up north.
The term “wily veteran” is such a cliche. But Raven is beyond cliches.
Knowing how well-hung Raven is supposed to be, the ringpost probably got more damage
Ouch
Young wanted deep-dish, Raven wanted thin crust
No, this has no gay overtones at all, does it?
Angle Developments:
Not Geographically Challenged: For those of you who don’t know, Bobby Heenan lived for a long time in Summit, which is a southwest suburb of Chicago that borders the city. It’s about ten minutes away from where I grew up. So, yeah, he would be a Sox fan. So I’m cool with this.
As Don West decides to court death by asking Joe a question
Definitely two men who shouldn’t be mentioned in the same breath
Can you believe these are the same guy?
Calling The Outside Agency…: “I thought this was TNA Impact, the highest wrestling show in the world.” – Jeff Jarrett. Well, as long as you keep Road Hogg and Killings on the roster, it is. And Jarrett came closer to a shoot promo than he ever has. Those remarks about Rhiyno were pretty cold. Of course, Christian went quasi-shoot as well, and he does that better than almost anyone in the business. Bravo. And that goes for the schmozz that this led to. It was actually well-executed for once.
Jarrett gets pissy. And in other breaking news, the sun rose this morning…
That closes this one. I have nothing left to say and no energy to say it, so see you Tuesday.
