To start this column…let me begin by saying the choking game is NOT fun. I would hope my readers would be smart enough to know that, but I also know a lot of you are teenagers and there is no accounting for the dumb things that teenagers will try. So let me urge you, do NOT play the choking game. I made a reference to it in my teaser on Friday, and I got a letter from a reader whose child died from playing it after seeing it on an episode of CSI. Death is irreversible and will hurt the people you love immensely, and the choking game has a good probability of resulting in death. So…DON’T PLAY THE CHOKING GAME! Okay?
December is the time in the NFL when the true contenders are separated from those that will be going home after the New Year. This being the first week of December, we begin to separate the wheat from the chaff! Come with me as we review the beginning of the end, of the NFL season that is.
WEEK 13
GAMES WITH EARTH SHATTERING PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS
NFC
(2-10) PACKERS 7
(9-3) BEARS 19
The Ramifications
Despite making Trent Dilfer and the 2000 Ravens seem like one of Dan Fouts’ Charger teams by comparison, somehow, someway, the Bears continue to win despite not having an offense. They continue to hold onto one of the top 2 seeds in the NFC, and a first round bye.
Whattsamatta You?
I can’t say it any better than Eric S. said when he wrote to me about this game:
“A quarterback with a game rating of 23.7 and 49 net yards passing.
Out-first-downed 26 to 10.
Zero of ten on third downs.
Nearly a ten minute deficiency in time of possession.
And playing an opponent that’s beaten them at home the past dozen years
in a row. Facing a situation where at least one team in their division
has swept them every year over that same period, with this opponent
being the last team that could keep that streak running.
How in the name of God’s green Earth do they win this game?”
How About?
Green Bay outgained the Bears 358 to 188 in this game, and lost by almost 2 touchdowns. The Bears defense had 140 total yards in interception returns. The Bears’ offense had 188 yards. The Bears are playing some new form of football that I have not seen before.
I’m a Moron
“The Bears are in the odd position where a loss could actually be beneficial to them, because it would probably result in them benching Kyle Orton, the lowest rated QB in the NFL, for Rex Grossman. That’s going to happen at some point, and better it happen sooner than later. Here’s the deal. I want the Bears to win. Usually, I pick the Bears to lose, and they go out and prove me wrong. I’m not messing with that formula.”
A Beautiful Sight for Bears Fans
(7-5) FALCONS 6
(9-3) PANTHERS 24
The Ramifications
Carolina remains alone on top of the NFC South. The Falcons, meanwhile, are knee deep in feces at this point. They are in a three way tie with Dallas and Minnesota for the final NFC Wildcard spot, and their 4-4 conference record puts them at the bottom of that pile. Even though they do have a win over Minnesota, the NFL tiebreaker system doesn’t swing that way if there are 3 or more teams tied.
Whattsamatta You?
Michael Vick was the bane of the Panthers’ existence coming into this game, having won all 5 of his starts against Carolina. He’s 5-1 now. Vick was sacked 5 times, picked off twice, and completed less than half of his pass attempts for a paltry 4.9 yards per attempt.
How About?
Carolina finding a running game? DeShaun Foster broke through for 131 rushing yards and a TD, and caught 3 passes for 49 yards. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s a hat-stealing asshole though.
I’m A Genius
“The difference is going to be that the Panthers are better at stopping what the Falcons do best (they rank 3rd in the NFL against the run), than the Falcons are at stopping what Carolina does best (Atlanta is middle of the pack against the pass). The Panthers finally get a win against Vick.”
(7-5) COWBOYS 10
(8-4) GIANTS 17
The Ramifications
Having already lost one to Dallas this year, the Giants needed this game badly to avoid falling 2 games behind Dallas. Now, they are a game up. So this win represented a THREE game turnaround in the NFC East. Simply huge. Dallas still has a shot at the NFC East title, but at this point they are locked in the fight for a wildcard. Their 6-3 conference record gives them an edge over the two teams they are tied with right now, Minnesota and Atlanta. They also have to beware of the Redskins, who trail them by only a game, have a victory over them this year, and have a 6-2 conference record.
Whattsamatta You?
Yeah Jay Feely missed another field goal. But he’s a kicker and kickers go in funks sometimes. If it gets real bad you can get another one. What’s a little more problematic for the Giants, despite the win, is that Eli Manning has regressed considerably in recent weeks. Yesterday he completed only 12 of 31 pass attempts. Drew Bledsoe didn’t set the world on fire either, he completed 15 of 39 and was picked off twice.
How About?
The Giants’ defense made play after play after play in this game. They forced 4 turnovers, scored a touchdown, and sacked Bledsoe 4 times. Michael Strahan had 7 tackles from his defensive end position, and 2 sacks.
I’m A Genius
“The Giants can play keep away by keeping the ball in the hands of Tiki Barber. I like the Giants to get the season split here.”
Red-dy For the Playoffs
(8-4) BUCS 10
(3-9) SAINTS 3
The Ramifications
Tampa remains a game ahead of the rest of the wildcard pack in the NFC. They also keep themselves within striking distance of an NFC South title, as they are a game behind Carolina.
Whattsamatta You?
Aaron Brooks has historically played well against Tampa, but not this time. The Saints’ QB was picked off 4 times.
How About?
Bucs’ WR Joey Galloway has been a touchdown machine this year. He scored his 8th of the season yesterday, and that ranks behind only Steve Smith and Marvin Harrison’s 10 for best in the NFL this season. Oh, and those 4 interceptions Brooks threw, three of them went to Ronde Barber.
I’m a Genius
“Expect Cadillac Williams to have a big day against NO’s 29th ranked run defense, and the Bucs to grind out a workmanlike win.”
(7-5) VIKINGS 21
(4-8) LIONS 16
The Ramifications
In one of the least likely turnarounds I can remember, it can now not be disputed that the Vikings are playoff contenders. They are in a three way tie for the final wildcard spot in the NFC.
Whattsamatta You?
The Lions fans completely turned on the home team in this game. “Fire Millen” chants were heard throughout the game, in reference to Lions’ team president Matt Millen, and quarterback Jeff Garcia showed that Joey Harrington isn’t the only quarterback Lions’ fans will boo.
How About?
It must be in Michael Bennett’s contract that he only has to show up against the Lions. He rushed for 79 yards and a touchdown. Koren Robinson has emerged from the bong fog to have a very good season. He caught an 80 yard TD pass, and had 148 receiving yards.
I’m a Genius
The Vikings’ 27-14 win over the Lions in Week Nine was their 7th straight in this series. The Lions couldn’t stop Michael Bennett in that game, and if you can’t stop Michael Bennett, you suck, real bad. The Vikings bitchify the Lions, again.
AFC
(3-9) TITANS 3
(12-0) COLTS 35
The Ramifications
Indy moves closer to locking up home field advantage. Then, it’s decision time. Go for the undefeated season, or play it safe like a little sissy girl and rest your starters?
Whattsamatta You?
Tennessee could manage only 40 rushing yards on 20 carries.
How About?
The Colts could have scored 80 points in this game if they wanted to. Peyton Manning did absolutely whatever he wanted to. He threw 17 passes on the day, completed 13 of them, and 3 of them went for touchdowns.
I’m A Genius
“Indy’s won 5 straight against the Titans, and blew them out earlier this season in Nashville. Peyton Manning passed the ball at will in that game, the Colts averaged almost 10 yards per pass play. That’s per pass PLAY, not per completion. He’ll do whatever he wants to do in this game too.”
Fly Fatass, Fly!
(9-3) BRONCOS 27
(8-4) CHIEFS 31
The Ramifications
Perhaps the biggest fallout of this game is that it makes it a lot less likely the Colts will go 16-0. Indy now is 3 games clear for the top seed in the AFC. Meaning they will likely wrap up home field very soon, at which point Tony Dungy has indicated he will rest his starters. More immediately, all of a sudden we have a race in the AFC West. Denver has a pair of teams lurking 1 game behind them. The top two teams in this division will go the playoffs. The third place team, probably not. KC is the third place team right now, thanks to a loss to San Diego earlier this season.
Whattsamatta You?
Denver lost because they couldn’t stop Larry Johnson. LJ carried 30 times for 140 yards and 2 touchdowns, and allowed the Chiefs to stay in control of the game from start to finish.
How About?
Johnson has run for 100 yards or more 5 games in a row. In the last three games, he has rushed for 470 yards and 5 touchdowns. The man has lost his mind.
I’m A Moron
“The Broncos ran for 221 yards against the Chiefs on that night. KC’s tightened up considerably since then though, and they’ve held LaDanian Tomlinson and Willis McGahee in check recent weeks to prove it. What this game will come down to is which quarterback can make a play and get his team in the end zone at crunch time. Jake Plummer’s a winner, Trent Green’s not, so I like the Broncos.”
(9-3) BENGALS 38
(7-5) STEELERS 31
The Ramifications
The kings of the AFC North are dead, long live the Bengals. Well, the Steelers aren’t exactly dead, but they’ve lost 3 in a row, and they are a full game behind TWO teams for the final wildcard spot in the AFC. Cincinnati caught another break with Denver losing, they now have a great chance at nailing down a first round bye.
Whattsamatta You?
Not to rain on Cincinnati’s parade, but their defense continues to be alarmingly bad and it’s going to keep them from being a factor in the playoffs if it does not tighten up. Ben Roethlisberger doesn’t routinely throw for almost 400 yards, but he did yesterday. Their saving grace continues to be their knack for creating turnovers. They picked Ben off 3 times yesterday. As for Pittsburgh, they gave 197 yards in kick returns, including a 94 yarder. That’s bad special teams play.
How About?
Carson Palmer quarterbacked a great game for the Bengals. He spread the ball around and left the Steelers’ secondary guessing wrong all day. TJ Housmandzadeh, Chand Johnson, and Chris Henry had 5 receptions apiece. Rudi Johnson has now scored 2 touchdowns in 3 consecutive games.
I’m a Moron
“The Bengals are giving up 4 ½ yards a carry this year, and they have given up 74 points in their last 2 games. You need to better than that to go into Heinz Field and get a win.”
(2-10) JETS 3
(7-5) PATRIOTS 16
The Ramifications
New England continues to police its own division, and remains on track to host a first round playoff game.
Whattsamatta You?
If you thought Brooks Bollinger could have some success against the league’s 31st ranked pass defense, you thought wrong. The Jets’ QB completed 15 of 37 passes for 135 yards. Curtis Martin ran for 29 yards on 15 carries.
How About?
Pats’ DT Ty Warren played a big role in bottling up Martin. He had 6 stops on the defensive line. Corey Dillon returned to the Pats lineup and was OK, getting 65 yards and a touchdown.
I’m a Genius
“The Jets could hang around for a little while in this one. They have a tough pass defense (4th in the NFL), and the Patriots are completely one dimensional offensively, and that dimension is the passing game. But you can’t win if you have no offense, and even against a defense as bad as New England’s, the Jets don’t have an offense. The Pats will win comfortably, eventually.”
A Long Day for Bollinger
(9-3) JAGUARS 20
(4-8) BROWNS 14
The Ramifications
Jacksonville stays comfortably on top of the wildcard race in the AFC.
Whattsamatta You?
It took a locker room riot act at halftime from head coach Jack Del Rio to wake up the Jags. They trailed 14-3 at halftime, with Browns’ rookies Charlie Frye and Braylon Edwards hooking up for 2 touchdowns.
How About?
The Jags were a different team in the second half. They sacked Frye 5 times after halftime, and quarterback David Garrard threw 2 touchdown passes to put Jacksonville back on top. Edwards left the game in the second half with a knee injury that seems to be pretty serious. Edwards told fellow Browns’ WR Antonio Bryant that “he felt a pop” in his knee.
I’m a Genius
“The Jags’ defense renders Cleveland’s passing game useless, and the Jags run all over the Browns en route to another win.”
(4-8) RAIDERS 10
(8-4) CHARGERS 34
The Ramifications
San Diego’s playing better than anybody in the NFL right now, outside of the Colts. They have now won 5 in a row, and have the 6th seed in the AFC.
Whattsamatta You?
I think LaDanian Tomlinson is broken, he didn’t score a touchdown this week.
How About?
The Raiders, the dastardly villains of the NFL who annually lead the league in penalty yardage, had ZERO penalty yards in this game. Still, that’s not going to stop Norv Turner from getting launched very, very soon.
I’m a Genius
“I’m going to throw 2 statistics at you, and that’s all I’m going to say. Since 2003, the Raiders are 4-17 on the road, and 2-14 against their own division.”
ONLY A GAMBLER COULD LOVE…
The rest of this week’s matchups..
(4-8) BILLS 23
(5-7) DOLPHINS 24
Sage Rosenfels led a furious comeback in relief of the injured Gus Frerotte, culminating in a TD pass to Chris Chambers in the waning seconds of the game to give the Dolphins the win. Buffalo led this game 21-0 after the first quarter thanks to 3 touchdown passes from JP Losman to Lee Evans.
I’m A Genius
“DOLPHINS 20, BILLS 14”
(1-11) TEXANS 15
(4-8) RAVENS 16
Domanick Davis ran for 155 yards for Houston, but Kyle Boller of all people engineered a 67 yard drive which set up Matt Stover’s game winning field goal. Kris Brown hit 5 field goals for the Texans. Both teams had big problems protecting their quarterbacks. Terrell Suggs had 3 sacks for the Ravens, while Shantee Orr had 3 for Houston.
I’m A Genius
“RAVENS 21, TEXANS 13”
(4-8) CARDINALS 17
(2-10) NINERS 10
Anquan Boldin turned a short pass from Kurt Warner into a 54 yard touchdown to give the Cards their second win of the year over SF. Boldin had 156 yards receiving, and Larry Fitzgerald had 129 yards. This year’s first overall pick, Alex Smith, started at QB for the Niners and was picked off three times.
I’m A Genius
“Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald go yay-yo against the 32nd ranked SF pass defense.”
(6-6) REDSKINS 24
(5-7) RAMS 9
The winner of this game got to keep its very faint playoff hopes, so congrats to the Redskins on that. Ryan Fitzpatrick somehow managed to get only 163 yards out of 21 completions, and the Rams’ defense gave up an embarrassing 257 yards rushing. Clinton Portis had 136 yards and 2 TD’s, and Rock Cartwright had 118 yards.
I’m A Moron
“The Redskins are seemingly locked in a death spiral where they find a way to lose every week. Rams are 17-4 at home in last 3 seasons, Skins are 6-15 away from home. Gimme the Rams.”
The Redskins Have a Pulse
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOOOOBALLLLL???? MONDAY NIGHT
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (9-2)
AT PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (5-6)
9 PM Eastern, ABC, Seahawks favored by 3 ½
What It All Means
The Bears refuse to lose, and while the Seahawks may have the NFC West wrapped up, they are far from having home field advantage wrapped up. In fact, if the Eagles pull the upset tonight, Da Bears move into the top spot in the NFC.
News You Can Use
-Hey, guess who still does not have any contractual obligations for next year. Shaun Alexander, the first guy in NFL history to rush for 15 or more TD’s five years in a row, and the NFL’s leading rusher. Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren said on the subject this week, “I believe Shaun wants to be here. Whenever it gets done, it’ll be a huge contract, and so sometimes these things take time.” The fact that Shaun has shut up and played this year without an ideal contract situation has not gone unnoticed by the Philly media, who had a guy in that situation who things didn’t work out as well with this year.
-Holmgren has been notified by the NFL that he is in trouble for giving details of a discussion he had with referees regarding a touchdown in last week’s game against the Giants. The NFL has said that referees will not give the Seahawks interpretation of questionable calls for the next two weeks. If officiating plays a role tonight, keep this in the back of your mind.
– December has been a good month for the Eagles under Andy Reid. During Reid’s tenure in Philly, the Eagles have an 18-8 record in December.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
To beat the Seahawks, you have to at least slow down Shaun Alexander. Is Philly’s run defense, which is sandwiched between Arizona and San Francisco in the NFL rankings up to that task? Not likely. So the defense won’t be able to keep Shaun off the field, will the Eagles’ offense? No, because they don’t run the ball enough. Philly is at home, and they’ll play Seattle tough, but in the end you know who will put the Hawks on his shoulders and carry them to another win.
SEAHAWKS 26, EAGLES 20
OH..OH….SHAUN!!!
If The Playoffs Started Today…
The following teams would be in:
NFC
1. Seattle 9-2, NFC West Champs
2. Chicago 9-3, NFC North Champs
3. Carolina 9-3, NFC South Champs
4. NY Giants 8-4, NFC East Champs
5. Tampa Bay 8-4, Wildcard
6. Dallas 7-5, Wildcard
First Round Matchups
Dallas at Carolina
Tampa Bay at NY Giants
Bye- Seattle, Chicago
AFC
1. Indianapolis 12-0, AFC South Champs
2. Denver 9-3, AFC West Champs
3. Cincinnati 9-3, AFC North Champs
4. New England 7-5, AFC East Champs
5. Jacksonville 9-3, Wildcard
6. San Diego 8-4, Wildcard
First Round Matchups
San Diego at Cincinnati
Jacksonville at New England
Bye- Indianapolis, Denver
DEEZ IS GEEZ
Oli Porter is back! He has thoughts on the passing of the man Pele said was the greatest soccer player of all time, George Best.
Omar Padilla talks about LA Kings’ agitator Sean Avery.
Todd Rodgers gets letters. Me, I get nothing.
Patrick has a picture of Xenu. My God I love that guy. Not Xenu, Patrick.
OUR Eugene DIDN’T pass out in a bar recently. Or maybe he did. I almost did a few weeks ago.
Okay that’s a wrap for Week 13. See ya back this weekend as the drive for the playoffs continues!
