Tonight’s RAW is brought to you by:
That’s right, I might have pneumonia, but I will be covering the show in Raven West’s absence.
First, a preview:
Who’s the General Manager?
December 5, 2005
Last week Mr. McMahon gave RAW General Manager Eric Bischoff an ultimatum. He said that Bischoff had to set a goal and accomplish that goal, otherwise McMahon might have to look for a new GM. Bischoff later said his was goal was for WWE Champion John Cena to tap out and lose the his Championship. Well, The Champ rose to the occasion once again and defeated Chris Masters and Kurt Angle in a Triple Threat, Submission, No DQ, No Countout match. After the match Mr. McMahon said that it was time to take out the trash. What will this mean for RAW? Who will be the General Manager Monday night? Tune in to find out.
Also, Triple H said last week that no one was man enough to look him in the eye. Big Show proved him wrong and challenged him to a fight. The Game backed down and left the ring. Will these two Superstars’ paths cross again Monday night?
Don’t miss all of this and much more Monday night at 9/8 CT on the USA Network.
My guess: Eric Bischoff ends up selling Hot Dogs from a cart in the park.
I might be wrong.
Also, in order to play up the controversy that has surrounded Ric Flair since his arrest on suspicion of being a ragin’ driver, WWE promises he will be the first guest on the new Cutting Edge segment hosted by Edge. I am calling for shenanigans!
LIVE! From North Charleston Colisseum in Charleston, SC
Announcers for this evening are “The King” Jerry Lawler and Joey Styles.
The Chairman of the Board, Vincent K. McMahon comes to the ring in a garbage truck.
Styles: It’s a mess in there!
Looking dapper as usual, Mr. McMahon calls the “current” GM of RAW, Eric Bischoff, to the ring.
King: I wonder what he’s thinking walking past (the truck) and thinking his career could go in there?
Bischoff tells McMahon that this job is more than just a job to him. It’s about who he is. He pleads with McMahon to let him keep his job. Vince tells him that before he makes any more of a fool out of himself, he should make note of the set. Vince, being the fair man that he is, has named himself the Judge in Trial for Bisch’s job. Coach is his defense counsel.
King: He looks really serious.
Coach lets Bischoff know that he has “got this.” Coach’s opening remark is that the GM is not out to make friends, he is there to deliver the most entertaining show on television. He said that not only does he deserve to keep his job”¦he deserves a raise.
McMahon calls on the prosecution:
It’s Mick Foley!
Foley mentions the Nitro where Bischoff gave away the results to RAW, including the night that Foley won his first World Title. He has failed miserably at entertaining the general public, has been manipulative and scheming and should be fired.
By the end of the night, Bisch will keep his job or be taken out with the trash. Hopefully, this crap will end”¦tonight
Fatal Four Way for World Tag Team Title Match
Sure would love to tell you all the entrants, but WWE didn’t announce anyone other than Show and Kane on TV. Nice way to build up the division gentlemen.
Heart Throbs v Big Show/Kane (c) v Venis/Viscera v Tomko/Snitsky
Tyson Tomko gets dumped out. Big Viscera gets the running avalanche on Kane. Staredown with Big Show and Kane jumps him. Sloppy double chokeslam on Big Vis. Antonio gets tossed. Venis into the turnbuckle, and Show sends Kane in after him for the clothesline. Tomko back in”¦it’s a TRIPLE CHOKESLAM on Antonio, Tomko, and Val Venis. That was tidy.
Winners and STILL Tag Team Champions: Kane and the Big Show!
We are taken to the WWE RAW Court of Law © ! Neat, a new playset!
Foley calls his first witness: Stephanie McMahon! She remarks that “actions speak louder than words,” and Exhibit A is presented: a video of the Halloween SmackDown! when Bisch posed as McMahon and then kissed Steph. Coach objects, but JUDGE McMahon tells him to shut up”¦er, over-ruled. Good Lord, I hope they didn’t spend a lot on that set.
Mickie James w/ Trish Stratus v Victoria w/Torrie Wilson and Candice Michelle
Mickie gets a 2 count with a schoolboy. Mickie with a snapmare and two boots to the face. Victoria pulls her down and tosses her out to Torrie and Candice. Stalling Powerslam by Victoria and she hammers down “bare knuckles on the skull.” Victoria stands arrogantly on Mickie’s chest, until she flips into a splash. It appears that Mickie James has hurt her wrist. Elbow up into the face, and a Mickie hits a Mickie-Rana. Irish whip by Hevia’s woman. Mickie hits her “Mick Kick Combo.” Mickie turns to see Candice’s interference”¦only the object breaks and Victoria rolls her up for the 3 count.
Winner by Pinfall: Victoria
Joey Styles let us know that we are headed by to the WWE RAW Court. TAJIRI is testifying. “I wish that a pregnant rhinoceros shoves it horn up his anal crevise.” Coach asks that Tajiri is taken back to the arena as soon as possible as he has a match with Triple H!
Foley calls another witness, er, witnesses: Mae Young and Moolah!
King: She was a witness when David killed Goliath
At this point, I can’t check WWE.com, so Fingers fills me in:
PulseMM: foley offers mae something to drink
PulseMM: mae pulls out a flask
PulseMM: and downs it
Silliness. 2000 monkeys at 2000 typewriters couldn’t do it better. No, sir.
As we come back LIVE! Mae Young says that Eric Bischoff says “And that is why Eric Bischoff has NO Penis!” Another objection, I guess. And we get Exhibit B: Mae Young kissing Bischoff and then the Bronco Buster.
Coach decides to call his first witness. The bailiff, Chris Masters, is called to the stand. “My name is Chris Masters.”
Rap, rap, rap
McMahon lets the witness know he has committed perjury”¦his real name is Chris Mordeski! The witness is dismissed to cheers from the audience.
Shelton and HBK are backstage. Shelton wants to make a good showing in his home state. HBK tells Shelton that his career started off great, but has gone straight downhill since he faced Michaels.
Shelton: You want attitude, you’ll get attitude!
HBK/Shelton v Carlito/Angle TONIGHT!
FINGERS Update of WWE.com
PulseMM: highlights of Chavo’s win over Conway on Heat this weekend
PulseMM: (on wwe.com)
PulseMM: and now lance cade’s coming out to the ring
Sounds delicious, right?
Coach is on his cellphone and promises an important witness will be joining them shortly.
Chavo Guerrero v Lance Cade
Styles: Chavo is carrying on the great Guerrero tradition here in WWE!
Side headlock by Cade. Chavo gets tossed into the corner, but gets the boot up. Two overhand rights and a European uppercut from Chavo. Cade tosses Chavito and goes outside with him. Steel ringpost to the back of Chavo.
Is it a good thing that Chavo is getting only “Eddie” chants?
Big backbreaker by Cade. Cade hits the ropes and meets a big dropkick. Chavo rains right hands down on Cade, until the inevitable reversal. Cade chokes Chavo a bit, gets bored, and sets up a vertical suplex, which Chavo counters with a DDT.
Here it comes”¦Frog Splash”¦1..2..3!
Winner by Pinfall: Chavo Guerrero!
Daivari is on the stand. “Eric Bischoff gave me a chance when no one else would.” “It’s in my humble, and honest to Allah opinion, that Eric Bischoff should remain GM.“
McMahon apologizes, as he was listening to Ashlee Simpson on his iPod. “God, she’s awful.“ Judge Vince calls a recess, and Foley says the greatest thing on wrestling THIS MONTH:
“Wanna Moon Pie?“ Yup, the fat bastard started eating snacks and drinking a can of RC Cola.
FINGERS WWE.COM Update
PulseMM: wwe.com update
PulseMM: they’re setting up the ring with a black carpet and two stools for the Cutting Edge
PulseMM: Edge and Lita to the ring
Edge is now the “Rated R Superstar?” Nice idea”¦for a sucky wrestler with a cro-magnon head. “Due to some legal issues: Ric Flair won’t be on the show tonight! Big Whoos from the crowd, as it is “Flair Country.”
PulseMM: lita country!
BoredStork: gross
BoredStork: all the citizens have herpes?
PulseMM: =-O
Edge is bagging on Flair’s descent as of late. They show his mugshot. The Mugshot Posing, Handcuff Wearing Convict. Well, it took South Carolina a while, but there are some “Edge Sucks” chants. Edge is giving Flair a verbal beating and out comes “Mr. Yo Joe!” Sgt. Slaughter and “the Freebird” Michael P.S. Hayes. Slaughter and Hayes, it appears, earn a paycheck by “kissing Vince’s ass.” Michael Hayes grabs the mic from Edge.
Hayes: What is it with you kids today? You sure as hell don’t care about anyone else. Ric Flair has given his life for this business. As a 16-time World Champion, I am gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. How many times have you been the Main Event? How many times have YOU been World Champion?
(Edge takes Hayes to town and cuts his mike.)
Hayes: The only reason that you have this show is because you are banging Matt Hardy’s ex-girlfriend!
Fisticuffs ensue, but that was to be assumed. Slaughter gets decked as well, and Hayes eats the Money in the Bank © briefcase.
BoredStork: that was a great interview
BoredStork: f*cking great
PulseMM: wwe.com — showed freebird goin got the back
PulseMM: hey uh
PulseMM: how did vince tell them what to do
PulseMM: he’s in court
PulseMM: or did he tell them from recess
BoredStork: yup
BoredStork: nice continuity check, Matty
PulseMM: wwe.com — tajiri coming to the ring
PulseMM: thanks — feel free to use it
Tajiri v Triple H
Tracy says: “Oh yeah, Triple H does that spitting thing, I forgot.“
Tajiri starts with boots and chops. Tries for the handspring elbow, but Triple H blasts him in the back of the head with a back elbow. Tajiri is suplexed and he rolls around a bit. Tajiri with 3 chops, and he finally hits the handspring elbow. The Japanese buzzsaw is trying to lock in the Tarantula, but Trips dumps him outside. Tajiri is whipped into the barricade and is then placed back in the ring. Trips hits the Pedigree. It’s academic at this point.
Winner by Pinfall: Triple H
Tracy says: “I wouldn’t want to be that close to Triple H’s ballsack.“
The trial continues. Coach calls his next witness: Simon Dean! When Dean doesn’t show, the Boogeyman pops up in the box.
Boogeyman: Time for a new face to be put in his place. As the time grows near, the future becomes clear that you don’t belong here! I’m the Boogeyman”¦and you know the rest. Mick Foley is still eating a Moon Pie.
FINGERS WWE.COM Update!
PulseMM: WWE.com — Todd’s looking at fans’ signs
PulseMM: mostly relating to Eric Bischoff being fired
PulseMM: and my favorite “Big Show ate my other sign”
Big Show and Triple H bump into each other backstage.
Big Show: We’ll see how tough you are with me standing across from you on the other side of the ring.
Back into the courtroom, Mick Foley calls Maria to the stand. She wants him to ask her questions with Mr. Socko…so he does. Socko asks Maria (sickening) and she decides to reply with the most intelligent sentence ever spoken on a wrestling program. Seriously.
McMahon decides to adjourn from the proceedings. The closing arguments will be held LIVE! in the arena.
SmackDown! Rebound…Taker coming out at the end of SurSeries. Orton highlights from last Friday. I am sure you all saw the show.
FINGERS WWE.COM Update
PulseMM: wwe.com — recap of Bischoff firing Jericho.
That was a sad day for Ssquared.
SuperMx123: SITASS rulez! put this in the raw report
SuperMx123: I can’t wait until you get feeling better and SITASS returns, it’s the only music column I read
Okay, I did.
Kurt Angle & Carlito v Shawn Michaels & Shelton Benjamin
Angle, with his NEW censored entrance, comes to the ring with Daivari. During Carlito’s entrance, they show the footage of HBK’s injury last week at the hands of Carlito. Honestly, he just tweaked his knee, but I am calling shenanigans again.
The hometown boy, Shelton Benjamin is out. It appears as though he got to the ring too quickly, as HBK’s music came on REALLY fast. It’s posing for Jesus time. So much for not worshipping false idols, I guess.
Arm bar after a collar and elbow tie up. Carlito reverses, but is belly to bellied for his effort. Benjamin DOES seem more aggressive. Tag to Angle.
Single leg by Angle. Arm drag by Shelton. Shelton releases the T-Bone and flapjacks Carlito. Angle hits the German, but Shelton lands on his feet. Boot to the gut by Shelton”¦caught by Angle. Spinning leg kick by Shelton.
FINGERS WWE.COM Update
PulseMM: Angle and Carlito stall outside the ring with Daivari and the crowd goes into a HUGE “Shel-Ton!” (clap clap) chant
PulseMM: Shelton in the ring with Colon, tries a monkeyflip out of the corner, but Benjamin lands on his feet, takes over and tags in HBK
PulseMM: Chops on Carlito from Michaels, briefly reversed, but HBK again takes over
HBK charges into an elbow by Carlito. Running neckbreaker by Michaels. Tag to Shelton, who clotheslines Carlito twice, and puts him down with an “innovative backbreaker.” Shelton knocks Angle off the apron. Daivari distracts until Angle can take him out. Carlito throws Shelton in. 2 count, so Carlito puts the boots to him. Angle tags in, and Shelton is getting stomped in the corner. Angle thwarts Shelton’s irish whip by hitting a belly to belly. Carlito is back in.
Double axehandle to Shelton, who is on the ground. Shelton is getting hammered with lefts and rights. “Like a windmill,” as the King put it. Angle is back in with German suplex number one for a two count. Waistlock by Angle. Shelton counters the Angle Slam with a DDT.
That’s TWO DDTs tonight for those counting at home. It’s a renaissance, I swear.
The ref gets to seven and now Shelton makes it to HBK. Carlito is in as well, but HBK kicks him down. Kip up into a clothesline, reverse atomic drop, and now he’s heading up top. HBK hits his flying elbow.
He’s tuning up the band”¦
“¦but Shelton TAGS himself in. Shelton misses the high cross body, Carlito rolls him up for the THREE!!!
Winners by Pinfall: Carlito and Kurt Angle
Shawn Michaels extends a hand to Shelton Benjamin, who is sitting on the canvas. Shelton rises and begins to walk away from HBK. HBK is shoved away. Both men grab the ropes”¦and Shelton slowly exits the ring to a chorus of boos”¦in his own hometown.
Triple H bumps into Vince backstage. Triple H says that Bischoff should stay. “I’d rather deal with the devil I know, then the devil I don’t know.“
Vince RE-introduces Triple H to Stephanie (they make goo goo eyes again!) and we head to our last commercial for the night as Vince heads inside.
FINGERS WWE.COM Update
PulseMM: wwe.com — they’re backing the garbage truck up to the ring
PulseMM: here comes the judge! Vince making his way up to the ring
PulseMM: followed by Foley, Coachman and Bischoff
PulseMM: to the RAW theme song
Closing Arguments:
Foley mentions HLA and his Daivari antics. “Your Honor, it’s time to take out the trash.”
Coach goes to speak, is cut off by Bisch. “You may take my tenure here as GM as a joke, but I don’t. Since I have been here, I have done some horrible things, some to your own family. Before I came here, you said that controversy creates cash. I don’t care about these people, but I do care about their money. Eric Bischoff knows how to separate these people from their cash. You want proof? Two words: Elimination Chamber. Hell, I am still the GM of Raw, let’s have the Elimination Chamber headline the next Raw PPV.”
That was a lot of quick typing. I am proud.
Dan Hevia reminds me that this trial has gone on 3 minutes too long”¦don’t I wish that 3 Minute Warning would just show up. Instead, we get Cena. Beggars can’t be chosers, I guess.
Cena reminds Judge Vince that he thinks Eric Bischoff is a jack-off who has taken away the best part of Monday Night Raw”¦that we can’t say ‘you suck’ during Angle’s entrance.
Cena: Eric Bischoff is a pioneer of censorship! Should Eric Bischoff remain GM? Do you want to see Eric Bischoff get fired? The people here have summed up your career in two letters: F U!
Vince takes the vote to the people:
How many people want to see the WWE Championship defended in an Elimination Chamber? Evidently, that’s going down up in Albany. Bischoff however, won’t get a chance to see it.
Vince: Eric Bischoff”¦YOU’RE FIRED!
Cena hits an FU on the FORMER-GM of RAW and his music starts playing. Vince helps Eric up off the floor, scoops him up and bodyslams him into the garbage truck. WTF!?!?!?!? They just compacted him in the back and Vince is driving the truck away.
King: What does this mean for RAW in the future?
Styles: Goodnight everybody!
That will do it for me, guys. If you have questions, drop me an IM at BoredStork or an email me. Love the feedback I already got, and hope you enjoyed SITASS Presents RAW!
Keep it real!
Ssquared
