Summertime Blues, News, and Views: Just Another Day

The holidays are approaching! OMG! Best gift you can give: a mix CD. Cheap, effective. I used to make a bunch for friends, although this year my life is a bit too hectic to spend the time carefully crafting a tasteful mix for all varieties of people I adore. Sad, I know.

But if I did have the time, or if I was asked what songs I would recommend for inclusion on others’ discs, I might come up with a list that looks a little something like this.

HOLIDAY MIXXX 2005 BAYBEE!
1. Depeche Mode, “John the Revelator”
2. System of a Down, “Vicinity of Obscenity”
3. Liz Phair, “Can’t Get Out of What I’m Into”
4. Combichrist, “This Shit Will Fuck You Up”
5. Opeth, “Reverie/Harlequin Forest”
6. Futon, “I Wanna Be Your Dog”
7. Soilwork, “Fate In Motion”
8. Beck, “Girl”
9. Nine Inch Nails, “Every Day is Exactly the Same”
10. The Project Hate MCMXCIX, “Godslaughtering Murder Machine”
11. The White Stripes, “Black Orchid”
12. VNV Nation, “Chrome”
13. The Old Dead Tree, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8”
14. Madonna, “Sorry”
15. James LaBrie, “Invisible”

It’s been one hell of a year for music. Hopefully you have been enjoying it as much as I have.

Alice In Musicland

Okay. I can’t possibly not comment on this.

Former Creed frontman Scott Stapp and members of 311 were involved in a Thanksgiving Day smackdown in a swanky Baltimore hotel.

In a Web posting this week, 311 says that Stapp “sucker-punched” drummer Chad Sexton following a chance meeting in the bar of the Harbor Court Hotel.

Stapp, the message claims, entered the bar, “drank a shot at the bar and then threw his shot glass, smashing it on the bar. He was acting belligerent and got into an argument with patrons sitting at the bar. He then sat down next to [311 band member Douglas “SA” Martinez] and his wife. He made a disrespectful and crude remark to SA’s wife. Chad and SA asked him to step away. He then sucker-punched Chad. Scott was looking for a fight–and that’s what he got.”

Speaking to Rolling Stone, Martinez says he fractured his hand in the fisticuffs.

Oh, where to begin?

Let’s start with Scott Stapp. Scottypie, I have listened to your new solo album. If only someone had sucker-punched you before you even thought about recording it. Or perhaps I would like to humbly request that I be sucker-punched in exchange for erasing your album from my brain forever. Drunken idiocy mixed with bloated ego does not quality music make.

And 311. Ohhh, you do not get off the hook, 311. You have been sucking for far longer than Creed ever existed. You somehow convinced me that “Down” was a good enough song to buy your album. Why, why couldn’t a young Scott Stapp have marched his ass to your concerts and sucker-punched you back then? “I have seen the light! We will not record “Down” and 85 subsequent shitty albums. Instead we shall devote our lives to finding a way to educate all of the children in poverty-striken Cambodia!” (Insert your own Donna D’Errico joke here.)

In this little bitchslap war, unless they both fight to the death and the winner commits seppuku, we all lose. So long as we have ears and these morons have instruments, we all lose.

Those 311 fanboys wishing to send me hate mail now, here you go.

While that was clearly the story of the last week, I wouldn’t want folks to overlook this little gem, as reported by blabbermouth.net:

Los Angeles thrash masters SLAYER are preparing to enter the studio to begin recording the long-awaited follow-up to the band’s acclaimed 2001 release, “God Hates Us All”. According to Revolver magazine, SLAYER guitarists Kerry King and Jeff Hanneman are currently finishing up the lyrics, which will surely be as scathing, misanthropic, and controversial as anything SLAYER have written. One of Hanneman’s songs may even address the attacks of 9/11 from the terrorists’ perspective. “We’re SLAYER, dude,” King told Revolver. “We have to be dangerous.”

Did you miss that? Let me summarize: Slayer is planning to write a song about 9/11 from the terrorists’ perspective.

I love you, Slayer.

This band is no stranger to controversy. Whether they’re writing songs glorifying genocidal maniacs or songs glorifying serial killers, Slayer has proven they are worth their salt. This will be a new and dynamic direction for the band as they attempt to glorify terrorists.

WHOA WHOA WHOA WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

9/11 is SACRED. This is an OUTRAGE.

You know what? I think it’s the most ingenious idea since Madonna wrote that song about the Jewish guy and pissed off her own adopted religion. There will be press and there will be public outrcy. Metalheads of old will have their curiosity piqued and will check out the new offering by their thrash heroes. If word leaks out on a large enough scale, there could be protests and boycotts. All the while, Tom Araya will scream from the stage, “don’t forget to buy the t-shirt!” as he rolls in dollar bills.

Neat.

Your Band Here

Once again: if you have a band or know of a band that would like to be reviewed and showcased blissfully in this column, pop over an email or befriend me on MySpace. Or befriend me because you love me. And if that’s the case, while you’re at it, buy me presents.

Hey, ho, let’s go.

Sex Girl Patrol:
Well, this duo has certainly spared every and all expense to record tunes for widespread MySpace consumption. Not that their psychedelic-twinged pop-punk is really hi-fi enough to require actual production values, but there’s a noticeable difference between the software-generated sounds combined with recorded vocals and instruments. In other words, the sound itself is primo-grade shitty. The music itself, however?
Highlight: Clearly, “Two Man Grift” shows what these guys are capable of cranking out. Setting aside the awful recording, it’s actually pretty damned amazing.
Lowlight: The other three songs posted all sound exactly the same. This probably wouldn’t be such a negative except that it’s all the same extremely blah, extremely amateur garbage. You copied the wrong song, dammit! “Two Man Grift.” That is the sound you want.

Stellar Vector:
I feel a bit silly reviewing these guys as I’ve mentioned them in at least two previous columns when I saw them play live and gave them nothing but the highest of accolades. A mixture of electronica, prog, and even a bit of emo pepper their flavor, topped with poignant lyrics the likes of which are rarely found outside of the big leagues.
Highlight: They’re fantastic. Go listen to them. I’m not trying to kiss ass here, either. Go listen to them.
Lowlight: Maudlin? A bit, yes. But that’s just taste over quality. Go listen to them. Go listen to them. Go listen to them.

Project Downfall:
Southern metal, bitches! What’s interesting is that Project Downfall shifts rather seamlessly between standard hardcore, well-crafted thrash, and euro-flavored black/death elements. In other words, it’s a heavy catch-all; surprisingly, they manage to make it all mesh.
Highlight: “Signs of the Wounded” embodies all the neat stuff I listed above. Really, the most impressive thing about the band is how tight they are. I’ve heard a lot of amateur metal and this is among some of the best as far as songcraft goes. Aside from that, their cover of “Fight For Your Right (To Party)” is also an amusing thumbs-up.
Lowlight: “Full Circle” deceivingly makes them sound generic as hell. Scrap it, guys. Your other material is much stronger.

Drones:
Now here’s a combination of craziness you don’t hear every day: a Minnesotan bilingual electro-twinged metal act. Se habla espanol, amigos. If that’s not an intriguing enough premise, I don’t know what is.
Highlight: Aside from clearly being on an extreme end of uniqueness, they’re really not bad at what they do. “Angers Bliss” is just plain beautiful insanity.
Lowlight: They’re pretty rough around the edges and sometimes they try to cram too many ideas into one song. Practice will make perfect.

Skip The Middle Man:
A Madison instrumental jam band made up of MMI folks? At least there’s no threat of poor musicianship with a music school pedigree. But there’s one key element that every jam band must try to fulfill: can you rock out endlessly and still be interesting to a non-music-geek listener? It’s rough, and even signed acts fail at this on a regular basis.
Highlight: What the hell, a jam band that understands the importance of hooks? “E Blues” is actually catchy, and that’s not a phrase that is typically associated with this genre. Kudos, guys. “Fat Mama Push” has some surprising heavy elements that spice things up nicely.
Lowlight: Well, they’ve got a sound, and that sound is southern rock. Nothing wrong with that, but nothing earth-shattering either. More spontanaeity and unexpected twists would surely spice up a sound that has been nearly beaten into the ground since 1970.

The Rad Ones

Here in our lovely music section, Jon Sevastra sits down and babbles with the drummer of Stigmata/Shadows Fall.

And nobody should ever miss a Fernandez column, especially when he also insults both Scott Stapp and 311. Tasty.

Attention, Bootleg: don’t rip on the Red Stripe. I’ve enjoyed it for quite a while. And Vic Mackey drank it once on The Shield so therefore it’s instantly awesome.

Sara Reller recommends a controversial book that I’ll get to reading once I finish all my damned music encyclopedias. Sigh.

Robert Sutton over in the Movies area has been doing some nifty retrospective action on Kill Bill — Part One, Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four. w3rd.

And I gotta say, I have tried for years to understand football and failed miserably. Still, Nick Pomazak makes it interesting. He must have some weird hypno-ray shooting out of his column or something.

Outro

As previously mentioned, the holidays are approaching. Put that extra cash into people who enrich your life. Giving is the new black.

Go play my favorite Flash game ever.

And, uhh, yeah. Do I have something of consequence to actually put in this little exit spot? I had a karaoke party this past weekend. Wanna know what I sang? Do ya? Dooyadooaydooa? Jet City Woman, Fuck and Run, and Voices Carry. I was definitely upstaged by those singing Tenacious D and Journey, however. Then my cat peed on me. Ahhh well. Maybe I can be cooler next year.

This isn’t very interesting, is it?

Should I stop now?

Okay. What? Yeah.

–gloomchen