The Crucifix


Good Monday bitches! Well, Monday night but Monday nonetheless. It’s been an interesting week or so, with many things happening and…Ok that’s bullshit it’s been like every other week but it doesn’t really matter…on with the show…

Just FYI, I’m going to sprinkle all the Smackdown Spoilers into this column when you least expect it, just to f*ck with those of you who hate spoilers. This is simply because none of you have bought me presents yet, but have derided me for making the claim. Thanks to Ellie for stickying it though…

Hemme Gone!

Yup, Christy Hemme, the vivacious redhead winner of the first Diva Search contest has gone the way of Test and Spike Dudley. Now WWE’s message leaves a lot for interpretation. It is possible that she asked for her release and got it. It’s also possible that WWE just let her go. But, being an insider (Not PWInsider…f*ck them and their ridiculous pop ups…whores), I of course have the scoop on Hemme’s release. The following has been said:

“What do you mean Penthouse? I’m a Playboy model!”
“Sunni Hemme? Weight loss? What?”
“I knew I couldn’t trust Flair to keep my job! All the blowjobs I gave that old f*ck…”
“It’s time to take out the trash.”
“Well, at least going to TNA is better than being traded to Smackdown.”
“Somebody shit on the coats!”
“I thought the drug policy was up for interpretation!”
“Weed is so not a gateway drug!” “Yea dude, no gateways dude. ECW!”
“I knew I should’ve tossed Steph’s salad!”
“Once I sat on Steph’s face and gave her that sinus infection, I knew I was f*cked.”

So there you have it, INSIDER information, and I didn’t even charge for it! I spoil you bastards…

Styles Signs 5 Year Deal

Who said net writers can’t get jobs? Ok, so Styles isn’t your typical net writer because he has a wife (not a guy he calls his “wife”…sometimes he’s the girl, sometimes I’m the girl…) and doesn’t owe his whole life to Paul Heyman. Immediately that makes him more qualified than Scherer. 5 things overheard at the Scherer bathhouse upon learning of Joey’s deal:

“Mike, turn on the lights, I’m getting kind of nervous.”
“WAIT! I can call matches too! How about I audition if they have a “Tub of Vasoline” match between me and JR! No no no, three way, I want Triple H in there! He’s…SO…BIIIIG!”
“Alright hat guy, pull out. I have to report the news.”
“I think I’ll apply at 1wrestling.”
“Shit, Mikey get me the towel again…I got it all over my screen. Damn Heyman pictures, get me every time.”

Mysterio b JBL by DQ – Smackdown Spoiler!

Raw is on! Maybe I’ll stick around for this shit! Ok, I’ll glance…

Yea, have Flair, the has-been womanizer who everyone loves and respects make light of his shitty situation by putting him on TV with Edge. I’m sure they’d both do things to Lita together that La Parka could NEVER do!

By the way, I hate when people have fortunes and blow them. It’s stupid. I thought it was stupid in Flair’s book, and he looks like a dick now. His wife is no better. Fuck your “lavish” lifestyle. I have to decide between eating and getting cigarettes every morning. So f*ck you and your 92,000 dollar ring.

Super Crazy b Joey Mercury – Smackdown Spoila! Suck it!

(Raw) – Bischoff begging for his job because Shane might take over…I’ve seen this before…it wound up with a Steve Austin return…it sucked…

– Coach, Bischoff’s defense attorney, calls him an asshole, unedited. Smart…real smart. He goes on to say that Bischoff is not paid to be people’s friends and by the end of the night, he’ll prove that Bischoff deserves not to be fired, but he deserves a raise.
– Foley is the prosecuting attorney, with a Batman lunch box! Now that’s classic! He states that Eric has done great things for Raw, like making WCW viewers tune into Raw. But he will prove that Eric has failed miserably at entertaining the fans

Boogeyman beats unnamed wrestler. Smackdownnnnnna!

Commercials: Some video game tournament where you can take on a WWE Superstar! I wanna take on Trish…make it a three way with Hogan…no, not like that. I like facilitating dream matches. (1 person will get that, and it’s not you.)

Booker T beat Benoit. 3-0 Smackdown Spoiler! Stupid that they are turning Benoit into the Red Sox…he’s not even Dominican.

(Raw) Kane and Big Show come to the ring, and I’m positive that after Kane’s pyro hit a remote control car drove by. They really have to stop desecrating Eddie’s memory…

– Kane and Show defeat The Throbs, Porn Stars On A Mission and The Ambiguously Gay Duo (Tomko/Snitsky) to retain,

– WWE Court: Chris Masters is the bailiff. Stephanie is the first witness, and she takes the stand WITH MUSIC! Stephanie introduces video footage of Bischoff with dark hair. This is old Smackdown footage where Bischoff “forced” her to make out with him. Now cast aside that Steph was trying to sleep with Scott Steiner around then. Coach objects, Vince tells him to shutup…errr…sustained. Steph says “Thank you daddy…errr…your honor.”


Bobby Lashley beat William Regal SMACKDOWN!

(Raw) Trish is out…and I forgot who said it, but new music is needed. It’s actually Micki accompanied by a HOT Stratus this week. Victoria is out with the whores. She looks damn good too. Half of me wants the garbage truck to run over Torrie’s dog. At one point in this match (screw commentary, I don’t do it.), Vicky has Micki in an arm lock and Micki clearly feels Victoria up to try to let loose. Styles would’ve acknowledged that when he was in ECW…corporate Styles…

Victoria wins with a hand full of ass.

Back in the courtroom, Tajiri is testifying and he says that he has been a huge star in Japan and ECW and Eric ignores this. He wishes that a pregnant rhinoceros will shove its mighty horn up Eric’s anal crevice. Eric and Coach send Tajiri back to the arena because he has a match…with Triple H. This is done out of the spirit of competition…

Next witness from Foley is Mae Young…


Rey and Batista def. JBL and Orlando DONE WITH SPOILERS! Other shit happened, but I don’t feel like printing all of it.

Commercial for Matrix: Path of Neo the video game. Somewhere, when Keanu started flying, Brendan Campbell blew a load.

(Raw) In the court, Mae says “…and that’s why Eric has no penis.” Foley airs Bad Blood 2003 footage of Eric making out with Mae and getting the stinkface from her. Mae makes the eating out sign with her fingers and tounge…

Coach calls Masters to the stand. They ask him to state his name, and he says Chris Masters…Vince throws him off the stand for committing perjury, because his real name is Chris Mordeski. Good point Vince.

Shelton Benjamin in the back with HBK. They go over Shelton’s accomplishments. HBK tells him that all his credits have added up to nothing and basically tries to get Shelton to have an attitude. HBK and Shelton vs. Angle and Carlito later on.


Back in the courtroom, Coach is on the phone with a witness who will be there shortly.

Chavo Guerrero is out for a match. Thank God Kerwin died with Eddie. He’ll be taking on with Lance Cade, who has the weirdest ring jacket ever. Huge Eddie chant breaks out. Chavo wins with the Frog Splash. Something about his Frog Splash needs work…maybe the legs.

Back in the courtroom, Daivari is on the stand. He speaks English, which just killed his gimmick. Vince didn’t hear anything because he was listening to Ashlee Simpson on his iPod…”God she sucks!” He calls a recess, which Foley is happy about as he pulls out a moon pie out of his lunch box. For the first time in a long time, Foley is on tonight.


Edge and Lita are out for The Cutting Edge, which, just FYI, is what Lita should use on her wrists. I missed the first half of TCE because I was in the bathroom…but I come back and Michael Hayes (with Sgt. Slaughter) is in the ring yelling at Edge and Edge mentions how Terry is dead and Hayes tells him the only reason he has the show is because he is banging Matt Hardy’s ex. Edge brawls with Hayes, kicks Slaughter in the nuts and Hayes fights back Lita rakes Hayes’ eyes and Edge nails him with the briefcase. Don’t know what happened, but I was immediately uncomfortable and if they weren’t trying, they made it look like a shoot.


(Checked out Shawn’s Report and it seems as though Flair wouldn’t be there due to legal reasons and Edge started cutting him down. Hayes and Slaughter came out to defend Flair in his absence and everything ensued from there.)

Tajiri in the ring awaiting Triple H. HHH wins…blah.

In the courtroom, Coach calls Simon Dean. He doesn’t come out, but The Boogeyman comes out of nowhere. He cuts a promo, leaving Vince in shock, Foley in shock while eating a moon pie and Coach and Eric scared.


Triple H in the back, runs into Big Show. Big Show makes Hunter his bitch verbally.

In the courtroom, Foley calls Maria. She is SMOKIN’. Maria wants Mick to ask her the question with Mr. Socko. Maria turns into a scholar with her answer! BIG WORDS! NO GIGGLES! AWESOME!

Court is adjourned back to the arena for closing arguments.

FYI, Christy is on the cover of Smackdown magazine…ooops!


Carlito and Angle def. HBK and Shelton when Benjamin, being aggressive like HBK wanted, blind tagged himself in and missed a top rope bulldog on Carlito and got pinned. Good match though. HBK tries to help Shelton up, but Benjamin pushes him off. Hopefully this is the start of a good heel turn for Shelton, which he sorely needs.

Vince and Steph get out of the limo and they meet Triple H. Triple H says maybe Vince needs to hear from his number one guy. HHH thinks Eric should stay. Vince takes it under advisement. Vince “introduces” HHH to Steph and they share a moment. Actually good TV.


Closing arguments now, starting with Foley. Foley states that Eric has abused his power for too long. “You’ve got the truck, for the love of God let’s use it!” Coach starts to speak but, Eric wants to represent himself. Eric defends himself with a speech, which I don’t feel like recapping. He pimps the elimination chamber and I already know where this is going, thus I am unmoved. Eric makes his final plea and out comes Cena. Cena gets the fans behind firing Bischoff. Vince announces the Elimination Chamber for New Years Revolution. Vince then FIRES Bischoff! Cena hits the F-U on Bischoff and kicks him out of the ring. Vince dumps Bischoff into the garbage truck and that’s your show.

Not too bad of a show tonight, to be completely honest. I was entertained…giggled a little.


Mr. Kennedy tore his lat on the European tour and he’ll be out for about 6 months. Expect many more injuries in the coming months as people start to wane off the pills.

Well, I’m done because I need a nap. So feel free to go buy my some presents or buy yourself an IWC shirt!