Welcome back to The Bootleg. For those who haven’t been following along, Mrs. Bootleg and I have been married for a little over three years. On the bride’s side, our wedding party included a Matron of Honor and three bridesmaids. Earlier this week, we received word that the third woman in that mix was rejoining the maternity herd.
Y’see, one of ’em had twins this past summer, another had her second kid back in September and the latest would become a two-time mother late next summer.
Now, for those of you counting at home, that’s one more mouth to feed for everyone except us. And, of course, this has led to several extended discussions around Stately Bootleg Manor in the past week, with each one curiously occurring after work, while my dinner was not getting cooked.
Just to summarize the wife’s entire argument for adding to The Cam Fam: “Everyone else is doing it!” And, don’t think I can’t appreciate the irony of the wife recycling the same argument from every post pubescent male adolescent on planet earth for her own motherly needs.
This Bootleg Intro is, essentially, my rebuttal.
Last Friday, Lil’ Boy Bootleg went down around 6:30 PM and woke up just after 10:00 PM. From there he didn’t go back to sleep”¦for the rest of the night.
Now, this won’t be a problem in 20 years, after the wife has long since left me and I’m forced to put my middle-aged Black ass back on the market with a pair of white, finely-shined spats, a fake gold chain and a belt buckle emblazoned with my name. By then, I’m envisioning weekly club functions where Jalen and I are in the mix for the same b*tch and I’m dropping lines like, “If you like my son, I’m twice as fun!”
Unfortunately, this all nighter featured a lot more diapers.
And, it was actually the second time in three weeks where the wife and I were up at odd hours with Kid Cameron. The weekend before Thanksgiving, I received a call at work that the wife was rushing the boy to the emergency room on the advice of his pediatrician.
It was about 5:00 PM on Friday night and inside the urgency of my wife’s words like “enlarged heart” and “viral infection” was her standard smattering of nagging.
“I’m too stressed out to stop at the store, so could you get us something to eat? Just graham crackers and milk for Jalen and anything for me.”
She’s stressed out? Y’know, this was still my son, too”¦or did the wife wanna fall back on that familiar Black anthem, “Mommy’s baby, daddy’s maybe”?
And, in a subconscious attempt to show off my stress, I flew down the freeway for the 25 mile drive, completely forgetting the food until I was about a block away from the emergency room. By then, my only choice was a 7-11, where “graham crackers and milk” were replaced with reasonable snack facsimiles.
In this case, a Rice Krispies Treat Big Bar and a 12 ounce bottle of NesQuik Vanilla Milk.
That concentrated sugar fix kept the kid awake for all five hours that we waited, sat through x-rays and waited some more. At the end of the ordeal, we were told that the original enlarged heart diagnosis was wrong. It seems the first x-rays were given with Jalen sitting up, instead of lying down.
“It’s a mistake we see often.”, they told us.
Often enough to get the word out on the right way to give an x-ray? Of course not”¦don’t you know that would get in the way of their $80 emergency room co-pay?
The Goodness will see you now”¦
Gayer than the U.S. Steel Industry
Robbie Williams has received substantial libel damages from three separate British publications. All three claimed that Williams was secretly gay and engaged in casual homosexual encounters with fans that he met online or at his live shows. In a statement to the media, Williams’ lead attorney proudly exclaimed,
“Mr. Williams is not, and has never been, homosexual.”
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. (Sorry, but all untalented internet writers are required to follow any gay reference with that overused Seinfeld line.) Anyways, am I the only one who’s wondering how the British tabloids lost this case? Personally, I don’t know whether Williams beds men or not, but the evidence against him is pretty overwhelming.
Sure, it’s been ten years, but does anyone else remember the 99 minutes of wall-to-wall mincing in The Birdcage? Nathan Lane received critical acclaim for his performance as the over-the-top preening queen, while Williams pulled in the same praise as Lane’s subdued, Mattingly-mustachioed partner.
And, remember how America was all agog n’ aghast when Lane came out of the closet a couple of years later? In the history of this country’s “didn’t see that coming top 20″, Gay Nathan Lane ranks somewhere south of Liberace’s “shocking” outing and even farther behind the concept of actual continued debate on Kevin Spacey’s orientation. (Wink.)
I mean, it’s not like”¦wait a minute. Have I confused Robbie Williams with Robin Williams, again? Which one spent the summer with Harvey Fierstein in 1993? Hmm, that probably doesn’t help”¦
There’s Actually Crime in Connecticut? Who’d Have Thunk It?
Is there a reason why our friends at the Fox Network don’t air American Idol all year long? I mean the actual competition portion can continue to run from January to May, but isn’t it high time that some network executive considers an Idol Offseason?
If they had been following the contestants who didn’t make the cut, a camera might’ve caught former Idol hopeful, Julia DeMato, getting busted for DUI and drug possession last weekend. Connecticut(!) police made the arrest after DeMato failed a field sobriety test and was found with pot and drug paraphernalia in her car.
Now, my favorite part of this story (as it is with all pseudo-celebrity arrests) is the nonsensical denial that almost immediately followed her f*ck-up:
“This is all a big misunderstanding. I am not a drug user. It’s going to be taken care of in court.”
Hmmm”¦let’s break this down. She starts off strong by mentioning “misunderstanding”. When I think of that word, I, too, put potential offenses like drunk driving and drug possession on the same pedestal as the premise for every episode of Three’s Company. In her next breath, she attempts to address the drug accusation. You’ll note that of all the specific charges she’s facing, the one she dares to deny (drug use) is something she isn’t even charged with. Finally, she wraps it all up by sounding like she’s looking forward to her day in court.
It’s almost as if she thinks a genial Negro judge like Joe Brown (did “Judge Willie Jackson” not test well in focus groups?) will oversee the proceedings in front of an unemployed studio audience gallery.
On the 10-point Michael Irvin Scale of Insufferable Legal Subterfuge, I think Julia does reasonably well for a first-time offender, so we’ll hand out a generous 6.0 score. It’s not exactly O.J. Simpson’s unprecedented “11”, but even Irvin had to start somewhere.
Musical Love Lost & Found
It’s been quite the whirlwind week for romance within the music industry, so try and follow along. Eminem and his ex-wife Kim”¦they’re now back together. The Lifetime Network’s Movie-of-the-Week-about-Wife-Beating diva Valerie Bertinelli and husband Eddie Van Halen”¦are breaking up. Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora actually issued a press release this week, reaffirming their marriage. And, finally, Lindsay Lohan has a brand new man and it’s San Diego’s own, Nick Cannon.
Everyone got it? Good, now let’s mock.
The whole Eminem/Kim conundrum can be quickly summed up. Em’s been doing the whole single dad gimmick for a minute, with their daughter Hailie. As long as it was producing the “haven’t we heard this before” brand of album filler that inexplicably sells, there was no cause for concern.
But, now that young Hailie will soon be, um, “naturally changing””¦well, let’s just say I’m betting that Kim can come up with a better beat for training bra and tighter flow for first menstruation.
Moving on”¦is there anyone who still thinks anything involving ancient 1980s ladies like Valerie and Heather is still relevant? Well, aside from VH1 who have used their I Love The (Wacky Truncated Decade) series to keep Mo Rocca and Michael Ian Black fed and clothed for the last five years.
We’ll save the best for last, as the Lohan-Cannon Connection might be the single most talentless, studio-manufactured union of man and woman since”¦wait a minute.
“Flow”? “Menstruation”? Oooooooh, I’m so bad!
It’s Not Your Beauty OR Your Booty
Jessica Simpson’s lip-synching sister with the club foot face has announced her 2005 self-serving and condescending cause for the holidays. In the latest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine (What? I was in line at the supermarket. And it was either that or, ugh, US Weekly. Don’t you dare judge me.)”¦anyways, Ashlee comes out in support of young girls with eating disorders by disclosing something sordid from her past:
“I was around a lot of girls with eating disorders and I actually had a minor one, myself.”
Yeah”¦you know there’s a name for a “minor eating disorder”, Ashlee. It’s reserved for those people that dip their toast into the yolk of their over-easy eggs. I’ve never got that. And, speaking of things I don’t get:
“(My disorder) was about six months of (me) not eating too much at all. I was 11 and 5′ 2″ and weighed 70 pounds.”
Yikes! There’s nothing “minor” there, scarecrow. Let’s face it, those measurements along with one of those swollen, bulbous bellies would’ve made you an alabaster Ethiopian. And, if we embiggened your head slightly, you could’ve co-starred as an alien in Signs.
“My parents stepped in and made me eat. That really helped a lot.”
Well, how ’bout that? Who knew that that the physical and psychological challenges endured before, during and after the onset of an eating disorder can be overcome”¦by eating! Pencils down all you leading doctors, shrinks and scientists of the world. The correct answer is eating.
Eating.
“I Read It Every-day! Just like my pal, Say Hey!”
USA Today may indeed be a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, factoids and Larry King, but it’s still the only paper in America that’s not afraid to tell the truth: that everything is just fine. And, now they’re dipping their milquetoast-media toes into the waters of celebrity fathers.
In both the overall competition and the category of the chemically burned, Seal was declared “most honorable new dad”. He and Heidi Klum welcomed son, Henry, into the world three months ago. But, according to the editorial staff, what put Seal over the top was “being the most hands-on celebrity dad, from changing diapers to wiping snotty noses.”
So, the standard for excellence in fatherhood is”¦let me get this straight”¦not leaving your wife and taking care of your kids?
And, there are entire staffs that celebrate, vote on and hand out awards for this? Did I miss the deadline for application entry or are only celebrities entitled to all this additional paternal praise? Apparently, Father’s Day isn’t enough for the rich and famous. And, just how many necktie cards made from construction paper do the elite need?
They just throw them out the next day, anyway.
It never stops hurting.
Sometimes the News Just Writes Itself
Former wrestling superstar and inventor of the permed mullet, Diamond Dallas Page, has filed a lawsuit seeking unspecified compensatory damages against rapper Jay-Z. The whole thing stems over Jigga’s use of some ridiculous two-hand gesture that Page claims he’s trademarked for use in “business and entertainment endeavors”.
And, before a handful of lathered-up rap fans hang me in effigy, I know the damn hand thing“¦don’t confuse my indifference with ignorance.
Anyways, back to Page and his “endeavors”. Did WCW Thunder come back on the air and no one told me? How have we all made it this long in the interim without our main event fix of High Voltage vs. Kronik? Seriously, where the hell else could he use that highly original diamond symbol? Unless, of course, Ready to Rumble 2 really IS in pre-production or something. And, that’s assuming that David Arquette, Oliver Platt and Scott Caan can clear their hectic schedules for four months of filming.
As far as I can tell, this frivolous piece of litigation is Page’s means of seeking some free advertising for his new book: “Yoga for Regular Guys”.
Great Odin’s Raven, did you see that link?! Memo to DDP”¦it wasn’t that long ago that the symbol you and Jay-Z will wrestle over once meant the part of a woman’s body that regular and irregular guys could appreciate. I know I can’t think of a better gynecological gesture to push a supposedly penis-based book on yoga.
And, if I may quote from that cinematic urban epic, House Party“¦”I smell (sniff, sniff)”¦”
Ah, rent the movie.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
A few weeks back, one of our readers suggested that we tackle the Hip Hop topic all of America wanted answered: what are the greatest guest appearances in the history of rap? Me and Nick got together to list our favorites. The original plan was for both of us to comment, but Nick pretty much nailed this one without me. This is part one as we’re reserving next week for everything from Jay-Z and Method Man.
Snoop Doggy Dogg from Deep Cover.
Creep with me as I crawl through the hood,
Maniac, lunatic, call ’em Snoop Eastwood
And a star was born”¦
Yeah, he still had “Doggy” in his name back then. Not that he’s ever been anything but rail thin, but he looked REALLY scrawny back then. However, he caught everyone’s eye and ear with his verses on Dre’s first real solo rack after leaving NWA, especially with that memorable hook:
“Yeah and you don’t stop cuz It’s 1-8-7 on an undercover cop!”
DMX from N*ggaz Done Started Somethin’
The song ended up on X’s debut album in 1998, but was around on mixtapes long before that. Up until then it was hard to say whose track it was, so I’m still saying it’s a guest verse. Mase represented something fierce here, too but god-damn! Tell me X ever had a better verse than this in his career!
Notorious B.I.G. from Brooklyn’s’ Finest and Flava in Ya Ear Remix
Big had a few guest spots in his brief career but his back and forth with Jigga on Brooklyn’s Finest was crazy. Not only did it keep Big out there awhile after his album dropped, but it helped legitimize Jigga. Not to mention, it’s one of the few times he actually mentioned Pac by name.
Gotta go, Coolio mean it’s gettin “Too Hot”
If Fay’ had twins, she’d probably have two-Pac’s
Get it? .. Tu-pac’s
As for Flava Remix, everyone was on it but can you argue with”¦
Disappear…vamoose…you’re wack to me,
Take them rhymes back to the factory,
I see,
The gimmicks…the wack lyrics,
The shit is depressing…pathetic…please forget it,
You’re mad cause my style you’re admiring,
Don’t be mad…UPS is hiring,
You shoulda been a cop…f*ck Hip Hop,
With that freestyle you’re bound to get shot,
Not from Houston but I rap-a-lot,
Pack the gat a lot,
The flav’s bout to drop.
Xzibit from B*tch Please
Arguably, Snoop and Xzibit’s careers were on life support at this point and Dre had just come back from years of Hip Hop purgatory as a result of his latest protégé Eminem. And then this verse from X dropped”¦
Blast with metal in every direction
Innocent bystanders taught a very hard lesson
I’m the reason there’s no time to reach for that weapon
And reason why N*ggas promise to keep on steppin’
Xzibit ready to scrap
Like Mike Tyson with his license back
9 to 5, minimum wage
What type of life is that for me
It’s not for me
You f*ckin’ round with the Sundance Kid and Butch Cassidy
Any questions?
Eminem from Forgot About Dre and Renegade
On Forgot About Dre, Em’s double time flow was the most memorable thing about the track and arguably better than most of Em’s debut album. His verse and hook were insane and one of Em’s best performances ever. As far as Renegade goes, to understand how good it was, Nas referenced on Ether how Em killed Jay Z on his own track”¦even though the song was supposedly originally Em and Royce the 5’9″¦ah, whatever”¦you get it”¦it’s Em at his best.
ODB from Fantasy and Kiss of A Black Widow
“Me and Mariah go back like babies and pacifiers”¦”
How can you not show love for that line? People that know nothing about Hip Hop know that line. ODB’s verse showcased that possibly the most bizarre character in Hip Hop at the time had an astonishing crossover appeal. At the time, this was unthinkable. This was when Mariah FIRST started remixing every song with a Hip Hop artist and then did it so much you just wanted to slap the bulimia out of her. We get it, you’re into Hip Hop”¦(artists?)
Anyway also had to mention Kiss of A Black Widow from RZA’s Bobby Digital album because it’s quite possibly the most unintentionally funny verse ever. Listen to it yourself, as dude was certifiable, but don’t say I didn’t I warn you.
Canibus from 4,3,2,1
Do I need to get into this? Of course I do. I bet you forgot this one. Bis had been dropping verses here and there for a bit at this point. The funny thing about this one is that it’s the verse that never made it into to the finished version of the song that made this infamous. Allegedly, Canibus recorded a verse for the track (which also featured Red, Meth, DMX and Master P) that said something to the affect of:
Yo L is that a mic on your arm / let me borrow that
LL Cool J, for some reason took the tattoo on his arm line as a slight towards him. Canibus found out and changed his verse. The thing was, LL didn’t change his verse and actually “answered” Canibus with it on the SAME TRACK!!! And, so started the rise and fall of Canibus. His version that did make was still fire though”¦
I’m the illest n***a alive, watch me prove it
I snatch your crown witcha head still attached to it.
Well, maybe he didn’t change EVERYTHING that could have been considered an insult to LL.
Nas from Live at the Barbecue
From a historical perspective, this one was important as it was the birth of one of the greatest MCs of all time. I haven’t got much to say about it though as I didn’t hear it at the time so I won’t front like I knew he was gonna be huge when it came out.
Nick’s Wildcard Pick“¦Krumbsnatcha Make Em Pay
This is unquestionably one of my favorite guest verses ever. Slightly obscure, although appearing on a classic album, Gangstarr’s Moment of Truth, content wise it’s still undeniably relevant. His flow and delivery are sick and still sounds better than most of the trash that’s gone platinum since this dropped in 98.
I see myself as the black Rap Messiah
Colossal spreadin my gospel through electrical wires
Spit fire through speech, so I can reach each and every
Tom Dick and Jerry slippin like petroleum jelly
Too busy in the limelight, can’t rhyme tight
I got divine right to bring y’all to light
Somethin ain’t right, to be an MC, you gotta thug
Or to thug you gotta be an MC, this sh*t is bugged
Show love but few: deal with crew and crew only
And think universal like Sony
Phony pounds and fake hugs is usually avoided
Give a f*ck like Pizza Hut I got to stay Noyd-ed
Cause that same nigga you trust, could be that same cat
behind that gat that bust, quiet ya, with the silencer
Keep it hush, ashes to dust, then dust to ashes
Nowadays it’s who pull out the fastest, imagine this
rap sh*t without this gat sh*t, or the phony cat
in black talkin bout how much his Mac spit
But this year, GangStarr got changes bein made
No wack sh*t bein played no fake macks gettin paid
No Versace MC’s, with a mouth full of Mo’
Soundin like a hoe spittin that old-fashioned show flow
I bombshell that pastel Chanel rap through a Maxwell
Ever since young Krumb, was taught to rap well
Goin deep, process of thought, when my eyes closes
Awaken with interpretive robe and sandals like Moses
Travellin high sands and Eastern lands for the answers
Ignorance is spreadin through the streets like it was cancer
Too many drinkin not thinkin, when behind that trigger
A 38 escalate the murder rate, for us n*ggaz
it’s like, microphone roulette cause nowadays MC’s is gettin wet
over someone else’s fake gangsta rep
Did he say?
I bombshell that pastel Chanel rap through a Maxwell
Ever since young Krumb, was taught to rap well
Holy sh*t!
General Haberdashery
Fernandez continues to confound me by timestamping his Sunday/Monday column with a Saturday date, thus forcing me to find it off the main page. Boo! And, two boos for omitting “NWS” or “NSFW” in your teaser. Imagery of near-naked pasty women could get me fired. Oh, and three boos for relegating last week’s ‘Leg to “small headshot status”, while giving the top story Jesus push to everyone else the second their columns post. Kidding! (You’d better hope I am.)
Mathan has a column concept so sublime in its simplicity that I’m kicking myself for not recruiting Nick and thinking of it myself. And, in honor of Mathan, I’ll be stealing this very idea for The Bootleg later this month. For the record, I disagree with Math on two points: one, Lil’ Kim’s Hardcore debut was trash and two, P. Diddy’s third album was bloated, but with more good than bad.
Shawn, M.S. is already one of my top two music reads on IP and one of my favorite IP peers when I can catch him on IM, but now he’s writing recaps for Raw, too. It’s been well-received by just about everyone, in spite of the Matthew Michael(s) cameo. Hurry back to the music beat, brutha. We both know why we need you.
J.A.M. = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. Joe does a complete 180 on his opinion of X-Men 3. Good to finally meet the man who puts the, uh, “knee” in “kneejerk”. And, speaking of bandwagon, he laments the loss of Arrested Development and Kitchen Confidential (or AD and KC to him and the cool kids in their Abercrombie & Fitch). Plus, thoughts on Walk the Line, Shop Girl, Harry Potter and mo’.
A is for me.
M is for TV Mathan. We may or may not share the same opinion on The Boondocks. He brings up some maddening points regarding the poor storytelling on Lost. And, he continues his weekly attempt to convince us all that he couldn’t care less about the women of Wysteria(?) Lane. He reads during the whole show..? Maybe, if it’s Cosmo! Irony.
Junk Mail
Truth be told, I wasn’t too happy with last week’s column. The Utah stuff, especially, since I don’t think I captured the absolute absurdity of all the in-law related events. Then, I end up hearing from readers how much they dug last week’s ‘Leg. Well, mostly”¦
Is it my imagination or has the bootleg gotten a LOT more mean-spirited lately? It seems like every week your punchlines are basically “he’s ugly” and “she’s fat”. The whole “living half of Milli Vanilli” and “WWE token” lines just aren’t up to your usual standards of goodness. Just some constructive criticism. I’ve been reading you since 411 and I can count the number of 411/IP writers I regularly read these days on one hand.
M.A.
Duly noted”¦although, I have to wonder how long you’ve really been reading, since this is still the same column that found the funny in the make-believe beatdown of Jason Kidd’s four-year-old kid. And, that was 18 months ago. Hey, quick separated at birth”¦Jason Kidd’s son and this guy. Am I right”¦? Eh?! Eh?! You know I am.
===
If I’m not mistaken, I think I saw a piece of junk mail in (last) week’s Bootleg from a female fan? Well, just wanted you know that I’m one, too. You’ll have to let me know if that brings your total up to three or four. Great story about your in-laws. It hits close to home since I’ll be marrying into a Hispanic family next year”¦from Maine. My grandparents still haven’t met my fiancé and I think I can keep them apart until my wedding. The thought of watching them spontaneously burst into flames when they see his family for the first time is keeping me warm through the winter.
Jennifer R.
Holy sh*t”¦the awkward interracial introduction to the parents. Before Mrs. Bootleg, I knew this well (sorry, Mathan). Helpful hint: Tell the grandparents that you’re marrying a Black guy. When they meet your real fiancé at the wedding, they’ll be relieved”¦for a few hours.
===
I know that I’m leaving myself open on this one, but I’ll ask it anyway. In your link to Joe Reid’s new movie column you teased some “adult” pictures that I couldn’t find. I always appreciate the goodness of nakedness, so I was wondering if they’re on there and I can’t find them or if it was just Aaron being Aaron.
Ryan W.
HAW! I mean”¦nah, they were really there, kid. Remember those “stare at this spot and a picture will appear” books from the ’90s? Well, they’re back and exclusively the property of our own Joe Reid. Go back and take another look. A nice l-o-o-ong look. (These am my readers.)
===
So, what’s the special announcement that you’re saving for January 6? Your tease implied that a reader might be winning something. What’s the prize? I won’t tell, as long as it’s better than your 213-The Hard Way Giveaway from last year.
Marcus T.
Well, now I’m really not gonna tell you. Thanks for ruining it for everyone else. You’ve ruined everything, you ruiner. (My sister likes you.)
===
Does your super-secret special announcement have anything to do with the Bootleg’s upcoming three year anniversary? Early January seems about right for the timeline and if memory serves, it was about this time last year when you started the celebration of your second anniversary. Do you plan to celebrate like every other IP gift whore and post your own Amazon Wish List link for all of us bask in your greatness (or goodness, in this case)? Get a job, you bum. BTW, early congrats on (almost) 3 years, Cam!
Trevor C.
Pfft. The Wish List thing is what my colleagues do for their birthday, not column anniversaries. And, this column’s anniversary is in February. I’ll have a PayPal account set up for the convenience of my readers. I know”¦I know”¦and you’re welcome.
You might want to start reading The Bootleg Archives. It’ll give you a head start on everyone else”¦come January 6! Get at me on Yahoo or AOL IM: ajcameron13.
