This is a Christmas music rant.
Now, before you roll your eyes and say, “gee, who isn’t annoyed by endless Christmas music?”, I must interject: I am qualified to carry on about my disdain for repetitive festive tunes because I am a pretty pretty princess. Thank you.
Also, this rant is all about “modern” Christmas music. You know, the crap that artists have done in the last 20 years or so, recording happy pop versions of old favorites as well as trying to create new “classics.” It’s sort of pointless to ramble about canon.
Let’s start with individual songs.
Madonna, “Santa Baby”
Oh stop it. Just stop it. The cutesy-utesy Betty Boop thing just doesn’t fly. I don’t know that I have ever actually listened to this song the whole way through because it never fails to instantly grate on my nerves. Nails on a chalkboard, that it is. I would rather listen to Celine Dion thumping her chest and wailing “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” passionately and dramatically.
I love you, Madonna. But this is just plain bad and at the very top of my list of awful holiday songs.
Mariah Carey, “All I Want For Christmas Is You”
Of all the original holiday songs composed in the last couple of decades, this one is quite pleasant. Sure, nobody really wants to hear over-emoting in a simple Christmas song, but this is Mariah Carey we’re talking about. The crazy wailing comes with no additional charge. I’ll give it a halfway decent thumbs up. Seriously. No, someone did not steal me and replace me with a Christmas robot.
John Cougar Mellencamp, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
When this came on the radio at work the other day, my office manager only heard a bit of it out of the side of her ear and asked, “What is this, some juiced-up Wayne Newton knockoff?” When I told her who it was, she went into a state of denial. Sorry, hon, this silly podunk mess really is our beloved Mr. Mellencamp. Sure, there’s the cute little kid singing at the end; let’s get the collective “AWWWWWW” out of our systems and be done with it. Now then — I don’t like country and western music, so I do not turn my radio to country and western stations. Fiddles are a little too close to country and western for my comfort. Call me prejudiced and closed-minded if you like, but when visiting relatives and trying to be festive, I do not want to hear music that makes me think “inbreeding.”
“The Twelve Pains of Christmas”
I have no clue who made this silly thing, but it was played like crazy when I was a kid. “The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me/Is finding a Christmas tree.” The song goes on to bitch about sending cards, dealing with the in-laws, children who want everything, being hounded by charities, and the horrors of rigging up the lights. Never before did I embrace a Christmas song until that baby hit the airwaves.
anything from the Christina Aguilera Christmas album
Many artists in years past have made ill-advised holiday albums. I have no clue what managers or label execs actually think this is a good idea: it’s something that only gets played during one month of the year, meaning you’re only going to be able to sell it one month of the year, and you only have one shot at one single. Never mind that non-Christians aren’t exactly going to jump out of their chairs to buy them.
Amid the general stupidity of Christmas albums, there’s a special place reserved for Ms. Aguilera. Now, this was after her “Genie In a Bottle” and “What a Girl Wants” stuff, prior to her awfully failed second album and definitely preceding the “Dirrty” phase. What we have within is mostly traditional Christmas songs, sung in either Spanish or English, popped-up and sung as if they had 800 more notes per line than they actually have. Honey, I know how to play “Jingle Bells” on the piano, and the chorus only takes five keys. FIVE KEYS. FIVE DIFFERENT NOTES. Not eighty in a span of three octaves. Thank you for trashing up simple, happy holiday times.
Run DMC, “Christmas in Hollis”
Why don’t we hear this one pounded into our ears every year? Dammit, this song rules.
Wham!, “Last Christmas”
I once worked as a door greeter for a now-defunct retail chain. Being as this placed me as part of the security team, I spent a lot of time chatting with the head security guy. He had an intensely passionate hatred for this song in particular, and it would rotate on our overhead PA system approximately once every ninety minutes. He would take the time to call me on a nearby phone every time it played, ranting and raving about how stupid it was.
I don’t know that it’s stupid, but it sure is depressing. As if the holidays don’t have their own problems triggering depression. Especially when nobody buys you anything. Man, that’s sad. Oh, wait, the song is about having your heart stomped on. Thanks for exploiting the holidays just to turn an ordinary lovelorn pop ballad into something we are guaranteed to hear at a time when many people struggle to be festive. HAPPY. HOLIDAYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. GET WITH THE PROGRAM.
Extreme, “Christmas Time Again”
You probably don’t know this song. It was on A Very Special Christmas 2. It’s utterly horrible, but at the time of the album’s release, I was a huge fan of Extreme and had to buy the album to be a completist. Holy god is it awful. Not necessarily the whole album, but this song in particular. It’s so, so, so bad. I don’t understand why it exists. Thankfully, it never really gets any airplay… except I heard it while in CompUSA. It won’t die only because it’s a Christmas song. Shit.
I’ll stop there and give you a breather.
I’m not completely against the concept of Christmas music. In fact, if it wasn’t for Christmas music, I probably never would have started playing the piano. Simple, memorable tunes which make it easy to tell when you’re making a mistake. Never mind the mental associations with so many childhood Christmas specials and such. I am a devout fangirl of the Land of Misfit Toys. Bumbles bounce, bitch.
But that’s the thing: they’re a part of my childhood. When I think Christmas, I think of a holiday geared towards the happiness of children. You’ve got the Santa thing going on, you’ve got wrapping paper to decimate, you’ve got commercialization up the ass which is primarily toy-oriented. Christmas songs were fun when I was a kid. They evoke memories of horrible elementary school pageants and choral performances. Ahhh, to be the one kid who forgot the “that’s the jingle bell” part repeats without saying “rock” when you get to the end of the song.
Now that I’m older, I still love the presents thing. For the record, I love giving presents as much as I like getting them. There’s nothing cooler than watching people’s faces light up when they see the product of your thoughtful choice. Yes, this means I don’t buy gift certificates. Fuck that noise. If you care about someone, you’ll go out of your way to find something unexpected that they’ll love.
But other than that? Ummm, no. My family isn’t Christian to begin with, but we celebrate family and give presents anyway simply because it’s just the time of the year to do that sort of thing. Most religions practiced in North America have these traditions, whether you call them Christmas or something different, regardless of what precisely it is that you’re celebrating. But still, that doesn’t make it all Christmas. The Jewish kids get one Adam Sandler song? What the hell is that about? Sure, there are a lot of “winter-only” songs, like “Frosty the Snowman” and “Let It Snow,” but they’re still considered “Christmas” carols. Sigh.
In other words, while there’s plenty of secularism in the holiday season, it’s definitely geared towards a certain specific percentage of the population. But that doesn’t stop it from overtaking everything in its path. Do I tune into a radio station that plays ’80s and ’90s soft rock to hear Christmas songs? Not during April, but for some reason, that’s the assumption made by programmers when December rolls around. And unless you’re in a major market, good luck finding a top-40 or pop station that isn’t peppering their playlists with holiday songs. I have been mostly safe hiding out on the classic rock stations, but who knows how long that will last.
I suppose it’s our choice. If we don’t like it, don’t listen. That’s fantastic unless you’re out shopping. Are you going to stop going to stores that play holiday music? Then you best be doing all of your present purchasing online. Order in all of your food, because restaurants are playing it and grocery stores are piping it. It’s damn near impossible to escape.
I guess you can either get angry about it or just grin and bear it. I’ve chosen the latter. What am I going to do, start a big angry army of non-Christians? It’s just not worth the effort. Besides, there are some great sales that come with the season. I don’t want to screw that up. I will put up with all the New Kids Christmas songs if it means I can get 50% off damn near everything.
Religious angles aside, the real reason why places should stop playing holiday music is simply because it gets annoying very quickly. If I only had to hear the occasional ditty every now and again, I might be a little less angsty. It’s the same as when tuning into a top-40 station for any length of time longer than a car ride. Do you really want to hear Nelly every hour on the hour? No. Do you want to hear eighteen different renditions of “Silent Night” within the timespan of one shopping trip? No. Yet it happens. And when it does, I’m tempted to just start wandering around a mall in zombie-like fashion, screaming Christmas songs at the top of my lungs, walking into walls and cursing Santa for skipping my chimney.
End rant.
BONUS rant!
Does anyone in my remote age bracket remember “A Claymation Christmas”? It was only broadcast a couple of years during the big California Raisins fad. Hands-down, it is my favorite Christmas special of all time. It’s wry and sardonic and makes me so happy I could fall over dead. “Carol of the Bells” ruled, with bells hitting themselves in the heads/bells with mallets, but one being too stupid to hit himself at the right moment. And the ice-skating walruses who kept knocking around the cute little penguins. The doo-wop camels. And the Raisins themselves, singing an awesome soul variation of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” I would kill to get a good copy of this beast. I have it on a VHS tape circa 1987, along with my other beloved holiday classic, “A Garfield Christmas.” Kickass granny rocks my world.
So those were all new when I was a kid. Every year there was usually one or more new Christmas specials. What do kids get now? Endless repeats of “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” and “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” and little else unless you happen to catch the old “Rudolph” buried on cable. I remember Teddy Ruxpin Christmas specials, Gummy Bears holiday stuff, Smurfs Christmas, you name it. There’s no new content being produced anymore for children, and that’s kind of sad. Even the bad specials were better than nothing at all.
I don’t know why I care about this so much. I certainly love the Grinch and know all the Whoville songs. I get excited when I find the old “Frosty the Snowman” cartoon where the kids try to get Frosty to the North Pole so that he doesn’t melt while the evil magician chases them. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But still, for every old tradition, new ones should be created. The music industry is doing such a piss-poor job of it, television should have no problem picking up the slack. Yet, nothing happens. Terrible holiday movies? Just ask Tim Allen. We’re mired in crap year round, but get an extra helping over the holidays. I don’t remember it being this way when I was a kid. Hell, while kids now are getting showered in Xbox 360s, I was so friggin’ happy to get a Care Bear or a Barbie that I almost died.
I’m rambling, sorry. I just want to see the Claymation Christmas special again and it’s making me all sorts of wonky. Between that and having to hear Vanessa Williams crooning far too passionately about her joy and happiness at Christmas, it’s a shock I even managed to piece this column together. At least the presents I’ve gotten so far have rocked. Without that, you would definitely find me zombie-walking at a shopping complex near you.
Me, I want a hula hoop,
–gloomchen
