Sound like an epsiode of Jerry Springer?
This past episode of Nip Tuck was nothing short of A Charlie Brown Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, or The Terminator… especially the part where they show Arnold’s butt.
We begin with my remote in one hand and my cocktail in the other. This is Nip/Tuck after all…
This week’s beverage of choice is cranberry, vodka and a splash of peach schapps. Sounds festive enough. But is it strong enough to handle this week’s episode? Let’s take a looksie.
A la Jerry Springer, this week we had 3 very controversial relationships to discuss.
Holidays are a time for peace and love. Let’s see what our guests today have for us.
Our first guests are a husband and wife, Mrs. Claus and Mr. Claus, as they call themselves. They would like a little lipo for themselves. I guess the years of fat jokes are getting old.
Our second guests are Julia and Sean. Julia fainted and the next thing you know she’s in Sean’s office getting a flu shot. He does some blood work on her as well as some questioning about what she’s doing Christmas and her relationship with Quentin, which she says has ended. But why is she rundown? Holidays?
Our final guests are Matt and his arian racist girlfriend Ariel. She has a coronary when she sees a nativity scene with black statues and a black baby Jesus. She reveals to Matt that she did her family tree history and found out that her great grammy was indeed a black woman. She’s concerned that her dad will find out and she wants to dye her skin white and asks for Matt’s help ala Spa Mommy.
Let’s begin with our couple from the North Pole.
So as Christian is vacuuming the spare tire out of Mrs. Claus, he notices a hard blockage.
(Refill drink here… surgery scene)
As he’s doing this Sean walks in and tells him that Julia’s pregnant. Say What?
He and Sean can’t figure out what could be imbedded in the Mrs., so they decide to operate. As they carve her like a holiday turkey, they find a baby. Oh, boy, is this gonna be good!
(Refill again?! That one went down fast!)
Apparently, this calcium solidified babe had been petrified in Mrs. Claus for 15-20 years. Nice.
Mrs. Claus can’t believe it and wanted to look at the baby… aka the newest addition to Ripley’s Believe it or Not… in jar full of chloroform & all. Santa is none too proud as apparently, he’s never had sex with her or something because he’s in a fit of rage and wanted to find out who’s baby this is. Oooooohhhhhh….. Who’s your baby daddy?
If it’s not Santa, is it Mr. Heat Miser?
Kevin Federline?
The Keebler Elves?
Or the the hot 18 year old assistant’s from 17 years ago.
We’re gonna go backstage and take a paternity test to find out who the real father is!
Someone’s been a little naughty! She says it’s the assistant! Oooooohhhh. Santa says he’s done with her. That’s not very nice, Santa. You get tons of chicks sitting on your lap all year long! What the hell does Mrs. Claus do? Make sure you have hot cocoa? At the end of the episode, he’s got a hot new babe to replace the Mrs. He’s looking to get her some double D’s. Nice. Or would that be Naughty? Oh, Santa, why are you such a perv?
Now, let’s visit a young couple in love.
Matt and his racist girlfriend, Ariel Nation, kidnap the black nativity scene and put all of the statues in his car and tie onto the car. The classic racist symbolism here is when they are driving away and one of the statues falls off the top and is now dragged behind the car. Oh no they didn’t! Oooohhhhh. I don’t remember this Christmas Carol… Back at the racist ranch, Ariel and Matt are painting these statues white. Not an ecru or tan, but alabaster white. Matt, actually showing some human traits, mentions that it’s a little too white. She says it can’t be white enough and she wants to bleach her skin.
Now, Ariel Nation, why do you want to bleach your skin? Eminem is far more black than you are! And he’s all pasty white. You’ve got nothing to worry about, honey. Matt suggests taking her on a trip to kookoo ville… when that doesn’t go over too well for his loins, he decides to pay his mom a visit and get some alabastard bleaching cream for Ariel Nation. She bleaches her skin and has a horrible reaction.
Our third couple is Julia and Sean. Sean goes over to her house to tell her about her blood tests and that she’s pregnant. She references it being an immaculate conception, but that she’s not exactly a virgin. Whatever that means. Oh, we’ll come to find out later in the show.
Quentin pays Christian a visit to pick up his check and mentions to Christian that he never had sex with Julia. He is gay after all. Ooooohhhh… Julia, who’s your baby daddy???
Is it Christian?
Quentin?
Sean?
The Carver?
The 1989 Denver Broncos?
We’ll go backstage for the paternity test and reveal it later in the show.
Julia decides to get an abortion on Christmas Eve and Sean takes her. I’m telling you… this is what Bing Crosby was thinking of when he was singing White Christmas! As they’re in the clinic, she tells Sean it’s his baby, he knows this and they decide to leave the clinic and they don’t want to go through with it. Awww. Now, isn’t that a Christmas Miracle?
Symbolism: it’s raining at the end of the episode as Julia and Sean walk out of the clinic… possibly washing clean all of their past? Is this the rebirth of their relationship? And they show the freshly painted white nativity scene washing off the paint to reveal the black underneath.
So what have we learned today?
We learned that Julia’s a slut. We learned that Matt found some common sense. And no matter what you try to hide, the truth will prevail in the end and apparently Jesus was black.
Can’t wait for next week when they reveal the identity of the Carver!
