Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Domino’s Pizza’s Steak Fanatic Pizza, which is one of the greatest things I’ve eaten in a while. It’s got sliced Angus steak, mushrooms, grilled onions, and a white alfredo sauce that kicks the llama’s ass.
Over the next few weeks, you will see a somewhat new format unfolding in Inside Pulse’s Weekly Music Pulse. Due to my other site responsibilities (as well as my non-site responsibilities), I will be scaling The Saturday Swindle Sheet back to biweekly feature, and every other week you’ll get Shawn M. Smith in this spot instead. He is a very talented and highly entertaining writer, and I’m glad to be sharing Weekly Music Pulse duties with him. His first Weekly Music Pulse column is scheduled for next weekend. Stay tuned!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (HIP-HOP SAMPLES EDITION)
Be sure to check out our hip-hop feature, which I will be adding my piece to very, very soon… hopefully. So far, we’ve got editions by Michaelangelo, Greg Wind, Mike Eagle, That_Bootleg_Guy, and Nick Salemi. Check them all out, as this feature is really awesome.
Keeping with that hip-hop theme, look throughout this week’s column, as I have received sample clearance from all of my fellow writers and will be featuring elements from their columns pasted in the middle of mine. Hey, if the Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Asshat can make a career out of it…
NEWS TO USE
Amid fighting assault charges over the past week, rapper Foxy Brown (né Inga Marchand) recently confirmed to reporters that she has been completely deaf for the past six months, and will undergo surgery early next year in an attempt to have her hearing restored. She is accused of assaulting two nail salon workers in August of last year after a dispute over the price of a manicure, and was seen passing a note to her lawyer in Manhattan Criminal Court last week. When reporters asked Foxy Brown’s former lawyer, Joseph Tacopina who’s got this thing about chemistry with girls that’s very similar to my chemistry with pop music, what that was all about, he revealed that she was completely deaf and needed to write notes to communicate. She fired him a few days later. Brown told reporters on Thursday, “I ask only for your continued prayers and compassion as I embrace the blessings of my journey,” while her new lawyer, Joseph Fleming, said that they were “cautiously optimistic” that a deal would be made with the prosecution. In other news, I am “cautiously optimistic” that the White Castle I eat after drinking tomorrow night will not give me diarrhea.
R&B singer Lou Rawls is reportedly suffering from cancer of both the lung and the brain, according to information given in at a court hearing on Thursday to get his marriage annulled. Rawls estranged wife, Nina, told an Arizona court that while the lung cancer was diagnosed a year ago, it had spread to his brain in May, and that “by his doctor’s admission, he is not expected to live much more.” Rawls, who has reportedly received both tradition and alternative treatments, stated in court papers that he wanted to annul the marriage in order to prevent his wife (and former manager) from appropriating over $350,000 that she had “absconded with.” Nina Rawls, on the other hand, claimed that she had put the money into an account that was solely hers in order to prevent Rawls’ two adult daughters from wrongfully seizing it.
Ashlee Simpson continued her streak of meritorious showmanship, most recently in Japan, as she bollixed a performance for MTV Japan at Pacifico Yokohama, leaving the stage halfway through the second song of her set, and leaving her band to finish it, and another song, before coming back. She addressed the crowd, apologizing and saying that she was losing her voice due to a heavy tour schedule, and would not be able to continue. After being taken backstage, Simpson got into an elevator and collapsed. She was rushed to a nearby hospital, and according to her father/manager, Joe Simpson, “is on an IV,” and that “this was just an example of what acid reflux can do to you.” According to NBC, Simpson has cancelled an appearance on Monday at the Radio Music Awards in Las Vegas, and will be replaced by Bo Bice, who is said to be practicing his lip-synching.
G-Unit rapper Young Buck (né David Darnell Brown) made a plea bargain in a case against him for assault with a deadly weapon, stemming from an incident that resulted in a stabbing at last year’s Vibe Awards. He was able to avoid jail time in exchange for pleading guilty to lesser assault charges, and was given three years of felony probation and 80 hours of community service. According to Young Buck’s attorney, Scott Leemon, “[P]ictures may be deceiving. Guess what? Pictures were deceiving. We knew that day in Buck’s hand was a fork. He did not have a knife, he did not cause the injury and what we were able to prove by DNA evidence (which showed that sweat found on the knife was not Young Buck’s), by video analysis, is actually he did not do the stabbing.” The rapper’s other attorney, Lenny Levine, added that Young Buck would take responsibility for charging Jimmy James Johnson (who started the entire melee after punching Dr. Dre) with the fork, possibly mistaking him for a giant candied yam.
Kanye West recently told reporters that he was confident that he would beat out Gwen Stefani, Mariah Carey, and U2 for Album of the Year at the Grammys, but would have to listen to the Paul McCartney album before making a judgment on that. He then went on to say that he was just kidding that he is better that Paul McCartney, and anyone who thinks otherwise doesn’t care about black people, and it is their fault if any other hurricanes or typhoons or monsoons or volcanic eruptions occur in the next six months.
Next year’s South by Southwest festival will take place in Austin, Tex. on March 15-19. Artists confirmed for the event include Echo & the Bunnymen, Dashboard Confessional, Belle & Sebastian, Saves the Day, Neko Case, Flogging Molly, Peaches, and Beth Orton. Inside Pulse will be sending our ace reporter, JJJJJJJJBotter to cover this event, where he will schmooze with the stars and be repeatedly asked if he personally knows Aaron Cameron.
Quick Bits
Jessica Simpson filed for divorce from Nick Lachey last Friday, after over 3 years of marriage, citing “irreconcilable differences.” She has since started dating again…
MTV has announced that its New Year’s Eve celebration will include appearances by Common, Kanye West, Rev. Run, Shakira, and Fall Out Boy, who suck nuts.
The Rolling Stones will play a free show at Copacabana Beach in Rio de Janeiro on Feb. 18.
The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince But Know Once Again Known As Just Prince will release a new album, 3121, early next year, through Universal Records as a part of one-album deal with the label. The debut video for first single, called “Te Amo Corazón,” will be directed by Salma Hayek.
R. Kelly once again appeared in a Chicago court on Dec. 16, in an attempt to get his child pornography charges dropped. He was unsuccessful, and his hearing has been scheduled for Feb. 10.
Oasis’ Liam Gallagher pissed off some soccer fans in Glasgow during a performance on Thursday, by dedicating a song to legendary player Roy Keane, who recently signed with Glasgow’s Celtic football club. Fans of the rival Rangers began loudly shouting and booing, throwing beer and cups at the band.
Master P will be filling in for his son, [Lil] Romeo, who was scheduled to appear in the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars. That might actually be worth watching.
According to a spokesperson from Interscope Records, Tim Jordan, who had played keyboard for the All-American Rejects during their tour this past summer, committed suicide on Wednesday at his home in Little Rock, Ark.
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From Underground Inc…
New Chris Connelly Album!
Chris Connelly’s brand new live album is out now and available through the Underground Inc. store! Intimate performances from the past decade, including recordings with The Bells, William Tucker, and others. Click on the album cover for details and track listing.
Underground Inc. Artists on the Airwaves!
Tub Ring has been featured recently on MTV2’s Dew’s Circuit Breakout Challenge with Hidden in Plain View, Pete Miser, Letters Organize, and others.
Pigface’s “Nutopia” will be appearing on an upcoming episode of The Sleeper Cell on Showtime, and included on the soundtrack CD coming out in February
In related broadcast news, a PiL track was just on FX’s groundbreaking series Nip Tuck!
From Gearhead Records…
GEARHEAD’S AMAZING END OF YEAR CD BLOWOUT SALE IS STILL GOING ON!
It’s true! In the past, we’ve run this incredible ALL CD’S FOR $5 sale for only 2 weeks at a time, but this year we’ve extended it throughout the entire month of December, so you still have a few weeks to take advantage of this truly incredible offer. There is still plenty of time to get these CD’s delivered to you before X-mas, but don’t wait too much longer if you’re actually looking to stuff some stockings full of rock! Again, we are talking EVERY title on Gearhead Records, including the brand new releases from The Lords of Altamont, Black Furies, Pink Swords, The Turbo A.C.’s and Electric Eel Shock right along classic releases from The Hellacopters, Riverboat Gamblers, Wildhearts, New Bomb Turks, The Dragons, Million Dollar Marxists and everyone else on our legendary roster. BRAND NEW CD’s still in the shrink-wrap for less than a used one would cost you… can you pass that up? We think not! Let the savings begin right here!
GEARHEAD RECORDS SIGNS ON WITH REDEYE DISTRIBUTION!
Gearhead Records is thrilled to announce that Redeye Distribution will now handle sales and distribution of Gearhead Records and Magazine! Known as home for such stellar rock bands as The Supersuckers, The Reverend Horton Heat, Los Straitjackets and John Doe, and the distributor for labels like Dirtnap and Yep Roc, we feel that we are in very good company with people that truly support and love real rock n’ roll and it’s lil’ bastard son punk rock too. So if you have a favorite record store in your area that should be carrying Gearhead and isn’t, shoot us over an email here and we’ll send our new pals their way. For more information about Redeye, please visit their website right here.
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email press@astralwerks.net.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Stone Temple Pilots, “Interstate Love Song”
The Rock*A*Teens, “In the Woods of Hemlock Park”
Ministry, “Just One Fix”
Thirstin Howl III, “Brooklyn Hard Rock (Part I)”
UFO, “Lights Out”
The Scofflaws, “Back Door Open”
The Ventures, “Walk Don’t Run”
The Zombies, “Time of the Season”
Blue Six, “Pure” (Mig’s Petalpusher Vocal)
Duran Duran, “Come Undone”
The Beach Boys, “God Only Knows”
The Killers, “Mr. Brightside”
Incubus, “Favorite Things”
The Buzzocks, “Harmony in My Head”
Alpha, “Hazeldub” (More Rockers Peace and Love Mx)
Ramones, “California Sun”
sometimes at work I’ll go in the back they’ll have it on the Mexican radio station
Björk, “Come to Me”
Les Nubians, “Demain (Jazz)”
New Edition, “Candy Girl”
Space, “Female of the Species”
The Cure, “Play for Today”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Little Rock, Ark. area disc jockey Jason Cage has set up an online petition to try and urge Britney Spears to dump “the boil that is Kevin [Federline]” and to remove him from her payroll. DivorceKevin.com has collected nearly 2,500 signatures and messages from fans, some of whom have suggested that she “get back with Justin OMGLOL!!11!” I don’t know that it’s stupid, but it sure is depressing.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for our Monday team. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I work at Mr. Cacciatore’s down on a Sullivan Street, across from the medical center.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
