LEADING OFF
Am I the only one who does not quite understand the hullabaloo about Howard Stern moving to satellite radio?
Number one, I don’t listen to Howard Stern for free. Why would I want to pay money to listen to him? Because he’s doing the same schtick he’s been doing for 20 years but it’s different now because he can swear? I can swear too, hell poopy damn SHIT. There you go. Oh he has strippers and porn stars on his show too? I will write the rest of this column with no clothes on then. Now give me $100 million por favor.
Number two, I’m not going to pay money to listen to the radio. I have a radio in my car that works just fine and I don’t even have to put any money into it for it to spout bullshit at me. When I get tired of listening to it, I put a CD in, or I shut it off and enjoy the silence. I’m already paying $2.35 a gallon for gas. I am paying $110 a month for car insurance that in 14 years of driving an automobile I have not made one claim on. You will get here best Auto Insurance for Electric Cars. I’m tired of my checking account being ass raped just so I can drive 40 miles each way every day to sit at a computer for nine hours, when I have a perfectly good computer at home, and I’m not paying for radio.
I going am on record as saying this is gay, and is going to flop. Flop worse than this column.
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Coooold Blooooodeeeeed!!
Did anyone watch the finale of the Apprentice last night?
For those that didn’t, the Donald hired Randal, then asked Randal if he should also hire the runner-up, Rebecca.
Randal’s response was that the show is the “Apprentice”, not the “Apprenti”, and no, he should not hire Rebecca. The crowd then started booing him.
Damn that is cold. THAT is how you turn heel my friends. Bye-bye Rebecca. I will always remember your Bob Orton-like broken ankle that just would not heal. I think you need to see a doctor about a possible calcium deficiency.
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WEEK 15
Only three weeks are left in the NFL regular season, and there is still much left to be decided. In the AFC, the Steelers, Chargers, and Chiefs are slugging it out for the final wildcard spot. The NFC is still wide open. Three of the four division races are far from being decided, and there are more teams who still have realistic playoff hopes than there are teams that don’t.
Will we get some resolution this week? Let’s take a look and find out!
GAMES WITH PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS THE SIZE OF PATRICK N.’S BALLS
AFC CONTENDERS
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (8-5); 6th seed in AFC
AT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (13-0); 1st seed in AFC
1 PM Eastern, CBS, Colts favored by 7 ½
What It All Means
The Colts need 3 more wins to complete the first 16-0 season in the history of the NFL. This one will have to come against a Chargers team that is fighting for its playoff existence. They inexplicably blew a game at home against the mediocre Miami Dolphins last week, and are now locked in a three way tie with Pittsburgh and KC for the AFC’s final playoff spot.
News You Can Use
My Left Foot
You’ve probably heard that the Colts are “playing their starters” and are going to go for the 16-0. Well, they are playing their starters, and they aren’t. They are playing their offensive starters. On defense, they are likely resting two of their best players. DT Corey Simon and DE Robert Mathis, who has 11 ½ sacks this year, have been hampered of late with foot injuries, and Colts coach Tony Dungy has indicated that they will probably miss this game.
Instant Karma
A man I am totally homo for, Jets coach Herm Edwards, said this week that he has not been able to speak to his good friend, Tony Dungy, this season. Dungy said there is a good reason for this, “We cannot talk because (the Jets’) karma has been so bad that I might catch it over the telephone. He won’t let me call him.”
LT OK?
Chargers superback LaDanian Tomlinson has been held below 100 yards rushing in each of his last 2 games, and has not scored a touchdown during that time. Two weeks ago, against the Raiders, he left the game briefly after taking a shot to the ribs. Could there be a connection?
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Chargers have been plagued by mistakes all year. They have given the ball away 3 more times than they’ve taken it away this year. On the road against a team that is 13-0, there is no margin of error. SD’s got the talent to beat the Colts, but they arack disciprine. Which is weird for a Marty Schottenheimer coached team, but it’s true. Put the Colts down for 14-0!
COLTS 28, CHARGERS 17
Are You OK???
DENVER BRONCOS (10-3); 2nd seed in AFC
AT BUFFALO BILLS (4-9)
Saturday 8:30 PM Eastern, ESPN, Broncos favored by 8 ½
What It All Means
What is with ESPN’s fetish lately of broadcasting their night games in cities where there should NOT be night games played in December? Last week it’s Green Bay, this week it’s Buffalo and Chicago. Whatever happened to the good old days when every Monday Night game late in the season was either in a dome, Miami, Dallas, or California? Anyway, Denver has a healthy two game lead in the AFC West. They would need to collapse not to win the division. Their main concern now is finishing ahead of the Bengals for the #2 seed in the AFC and securing a first round bye, and a second round home game.
News You Can Use
Tell Your Statistics to Shut Up
You can usually measure the playmaking ability of a defense through two statistics, sacks and turnovers. By one measure, the Broncos defense does not make a positive impact. They rank last in the league in sacks per pass attempt. However, by another measure, they have been making game changing plays all year long. They are tied for third in the league in interceptions.
We Are the Champions?
Believe it or not, the Broncos have not won the AFC West in 7 years. The last time they did was the 1998 season, John Elway’s final turn as the Broncos’ starting QB. They are the only current member of the division that has not won it during that time period. With a win this week, the Broncos will get that monkey off their backs and clinch the AFC West title.
Holcomb the Bills Suck?
The Bills will change their starting QB for the third time this year. This week, they will be back to Kelly Holcomb. JP Losman, who reclaimed the starting job he began the season with a few weeks ago, will miss this game with an injured shoulder. The Bills are 2-2 with Holcomb as their QB, and 2-7 with Losman under center.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Broncos rushing offense ranks 2nd in the NFL. The Bills rushing defense ranks 31st. When I mix those two together, I get an ass whoopin.
BRONCOS 28, BILLS 10
CINCINNATI BENGALS (10-3); 3rd seed in AFC
AT DETROIT LIONS (4-9)
4:05 PM Eastern, CBS, Bengals favored by 8
What It All Means
The Bengals can clinch their first division title since 1990 with a win. Of even more importance is finishing ahead of the Denver Broncos and avoiding a possible trip to Mile High in the second round of the playoffs.
News You Can Use
Kris Kross
It’s been a bad week for Bengals’ offensive players named Chris. Versatile RB Chris Perry suffered a bad ankle injury in last week’s win over Cleveland and may be lost for the season. Then, rookie WR Chris Henry was arrested at 2 AM Thursday morning in the strip club mecca of Covington, KY, and charged with marijuana possession, driving with an expired license and registration tags, and failure to produce proof of insurance. Uh-oh!!
Checking It Twice
We all know about Chad Johnson’s “Who Covered Me” list. Up until last week, every single cornerback listed on it got a “NO” checkmark. Johnson was held to only 2 catches in last week’s game against Cleveland, so Browns corner Leigh Bodden got the first “YES” check of the season. Bodden is a 3rd year player out of the mighty football factory that is Duquesne University.
Worried About the LIONS, Worried About the LINES
Lions’ fans are in a state of full mutiny. The drive to fire team president Matt Millen has turned into a cottage industry in the state of Michigan. Websites such as firemillen.net are getting tens of thousands of hits a day, and fan protest rallies are being by local radio stations. There is a march planned around Ford Field. The American auto industry, centered in Detroit, is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, people of the Detroit area are frustrated, and are taking their angst out on their horrible football team. Oh yeah, Super Bowl XL is this February in Detroit.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
More ugliness at Ford Field as the Lions take another beating. Let’s just hope that things remain ha-ha funny, because at the rate things are going some sort of riot type, Ron Artest/Pistons brawl-esque action isn’t out of the realm of possibility.
BENGALS 28, LIONS 13
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-11)
AT JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (9-4); 5th seed in AFC
1 PM Eastern, FOX, Jaguars favored by 15 ½
What It All Means
The Jags lead the rest of the AFC Wildcard pack by a full game, and hope to keep it that way by doing what they do best, beat up on a terrible team.
News You Can Use
Wrong Said Fred
Coming into the season, the Jags’ offense revolved around Byron Leftwich and Fred Taylor. Heading into the playoffs, Leftwich is hurt, and Taylor is being phased out of the offense in favor of Greg Jones. Taylor had just 19 yards on 10 carries in last week’s loss to the Colts, and was only given the ball twice in the second half. Jags coach Jack Del Rio has indicated that Jones and Taylor will probably split carries for the remainder of the season and into the postseason.
Leftwich Left Out of Playoffs?
The Jags are hoping to get their quarterback back for the playoffs, but as of right now it is still very uncertain. Leftwich broke his ankle on Nov. 27, and is still on crutches. There have been reports in the Florida papers that the recovery time may now be longer than the 4-6 weeks that were originally expected. David Garrard has played in his absence and compiled an 84.4 passer rating, higher than Leftwich’s 78.2. Garrard has also run for 118 yards and 2 TD’s. That is a dimension that Leftwich does not bring.
Familiar Face
The Niners will have a guy that started the year as one of them chasing them around the field on Sunday. Linebacker Jamie Winborn didn’t fit in with new coach Mike Nolan’s program, and he was traded to the Jags earlier this year. Winborn had a few words regarding his old coach this week, telling the Sacramento Bee, “Nolan wants to do things his particular way, and that’s his right. To me, their record (2-11) speaks for itself, and I was part of one of those wins.”
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Due to their weak schedule, we don’t know a whole lot about how good the Jags really are. We do know that they get it done against the teams they should beat. Shouldn’t be any different this week.
JAGUARS 28, NINERS 9
Phred Phased Out?
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NFC
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (11-2); 1st seed in NFC
AT TENNESSEE TITANS (4-9)
1 PM Eastern, FOX, Seahawks favored by 7
What It All Means
With Chicago’s loss last week, Seattle all the Hawks need to do to wrap up home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs is win this week.
News You Can Use
Lofa Rookie of the Year?
It’s been well documented that Shaun Alexander is a bona fide MVP candidate. The Seahawks may have another award winner in rookie LB Lofa Tatupu. Tatupu is a second round pick whose lack of size caused some to question whether he would be an effective NFL player. He’s answered all those questions. He is the team’s leading tackler with 94 stops.
Or This Guy?
Tatupu is not the only defensive player the Hawks struck gold on in this year’s draft. In the third round, they grabbed LeRoy Hill out of Clemson. Hill is a small, fast linebacker in the same mold as Tatupu. He leads all NFL rookies with 7 sacks.
Good Luck With That
The Titans attempted to shore up their decimated receiving corps this week when they signed Bears discard Bobby Wade. Wade is best known for fumbling NINE punt returns this year.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Seattle will thump the Titans this week. That sets up a game at home against the Colts next week that could very well be a Super Bowl preview. But it will also be a game between 2 teams with nothing to play for (well, except for the Colts possibly still playing for an undefeated season). Will the teams treat it as an exhibition game, not wanting to show too much to the opposition they could be facing for all the marbles in February? We shall see.
SEAHAWKS 31, TITANS 16
Feelin’ Strong Now
ATLANTA FALCONS (8-5)
AT CHICAGO BEARS (9-4); 2nd seed in NFC
8:30 PM Eastern, ESPN, Bears favored by 3
What It All Means
The Monday Night game really sucks this week (Baltimore v. Green Bay), so THIS is your marquee matchup of the week. Atlanta is in win or else mode. They’re in a 3 way tie with Minnesota and Dallas for the final NFC wildcard spot, and are a game behind Carolina and Tampa in the NFC South. The Bears had their 8 game winning streak broken last week, and they got beat soundly. Their lead in the NFC North has shrunk to one game. They have no margin for error if they want to retain the second seed in the NFC and a first round bye.
News You Can Use
Vick’s Ribs Juicy and Tender
Falcons QB Michael Vick has been limited in practice this week with bruised ribs, but he has stated unequivocally that he will be playing on Sunday Night. Bears LB Brian Urlacher has already been quoted as saying that Vick doesn’t like to get hit, so expect the Bears to be putting their helmets into Vick’s midsection all night long.
Defense Depleted
The Bears are going to be without 3 starters on their prized defensive unit for this game. Both of their starting safeties, Chris Harris and Mike Brown will be out for the second week in a row. Now, their strong side linebacker, Hunter Hillenmeyer, may also be missing. He has a thumb injury and will probably be replaced by Leon Joe this week.
Third and Forever
Every down on offense has been a challenge for the Bears this year, but none have been more problematic than third down. The Bears are the second worst team in the league at converting third downs into first downs, and in three games have succeeded in doing that only 7 out of 38 times. Some might say this can be blamed on struggling rookie QB Kyle Orton, but it’s not all his fault. The Bears are only 5 of 13 in picking up the one yard they need in 3rd and 1 situations.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Bears were exposed last week against the Steelers. Other teams can watch that film, and realize that if you run the ball right at them, you have a good chance of neutralizing their speed oriented defense. The key seems to be, bring the fight to the Bears, don’t wait for them to chase after you, because they’ll catch you.
Atlanta is the type of team that can exploit this newfound weakness. They are the best rushing team in the game and are averaging over 5 yards a carry. The Bears defense is solely responsible for the Bears’ success. Now that defense is banged up, and has been staggered. The Falcons will keep the Bears stumbling.
FALCONS 17, BEARS 16
CAROLINA PANTHERS (9-4)
AT NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (3-10)
1 PM Eastern, FOX, Panthers favored by 9
What It All Means
Carolina could’ve salted away an NFC South title with a win at home over Tampa last week. But, they lost, convincingly. They hope to use this game to vault themselves back into the division lead, as the Bucs have a tough matchup with New England this week.
News You Can Use
Henning Making Cats Offense Disappear
Carolina offensive coordinator Dan Henning has come under fire this week for the recent struggles of the Panthers’ offense. Carolina has totaled 50 points in its last 4 games, twice being held to 10 points or less. One of the people doing the critiquing of Henning was Panthers’ WR Ricky Proehl. Proehl told reporters after the Tampa loss that the offense has been too conservative, and that not enough was being done to spread the ball around and take some of the opposing defenses’ focus off of the NFL’s leading receiver, Steve Smith.
Panthers and Steroids
The probe into the Panthers’ relationship with Dr. James Shortt, who is under trial for illegal steroid distribution, continues. This week the focus was on longtime, now retired, Panthers TE Wesley Walls. Prosecutors played a taped conversation between Walls and Shortt this week in which Shortt and Walls discussed ways to get around the NFL’s steroid testing. Walls’ terse statement was, “I went down there in February, whenever. It was for a consultation and I never went back.” Walls is a four time Pro Bowler.
Bye Bye Brooks
Saints’ coach Jim Haslett has made a change at quarterback, replacing longtime starter Aaron Brooks with longtime backup Todd Bouman. Haslett has said this change will stick for the rest of the year. This almost certainly signals the end of Brooks’ time as a Saint, and begins speculation as to where he will land next year. Among the teams that have been mentioned as having an obvious need at the position that Brooks could fill are the Bears and Lions. A darkhorse is Green Bay. If Brett Favre does not come back next year, the Packers will not have anyone capable of stepping in and being their starting quarterback. Brooks began his career with the Packers, and he would be a good fit there if Favre retires.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Carolina’s kind of been spinning their wheels lately, but the Saints are just overmatched. The Panthers get their offense back on track and win by a lot.
PANTHERS 31, SAINTS 13
DALLAS COWBOYS (8-5); 6th seed in NFC
AT WASHINGTON REDSKINS (7-6)
4:15 PM Eastern, FOX, Redskins favored by 3
What It All Means
This is about as good as the NFL gets. You have a fierce rivalry. You have a coach who one day will be a Hall of Famer coaching against a coach who already is. Finally, you have huge playoff implications. Dallas leads the Redskins by a game, but they already have one loss to them, so if they lose again, they will in essence be a game behind them. The probable reality of the situation is that Washington can knock Dallas out of the wildcard chase with a win. The Redskins will need a lot of help to get in, even if they win the rest of their games. If the Cowboys win, they not only remain firmly in the playoff picture, but keep the pressure on the Giants for the NFC East title.
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Brokeback Defense?
The Cowboys have a big problem right now, and that problem is they can’t stop the run. They’ve given up at least 127 rushing yards in four out of their last five games. This week they will face Clinton Portis, who has rushed for 1184 yards this season, and is coming off back to back 100 yard games.
What Rivalry?
As rivalries go, this one has been very one-sided of late. The Cowboys of the 00s may not be the Cowboys of the 90s, but they sure do know how to beat their archrivals. The Cowboys have won 14 out of the last 16 games between these teams.
But…
One of those games the Redskins won was the last one. Way back in Week 2, Mark Brunell threw TD passes of 39 and 70 yards to Santana Moss with less than 4 minutes left to play to stun the Cowboys and give the Redskins a 14-13 win in Dallas on Monday Night. The game has served as a turning point of sorts for the Redskins franchise.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
These teams match up very evenly. They both have running games you have to respect, and defenses that are good enough to put their team in a position to win. It’s going to come down to quarterbacks and receivers here. Who can make a big offensive play to break the game open? Early in the year, the combo that could do that was Mark Brunell and Santana Moss. Now, I think the more likely candidates are Drew Bledsoe and Terry Glenn. I think we have a great game here, but the Cowboys win.
COWBOYS 24, REDSKINS 17
Glenn’s the Difference Maker
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INTERCONFERENCE HEAVYWEIGHT SHOWDOWNS!
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (9-4); 4th seed in NFC
AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (8-5); 4th seed in AFC
Saturday, 1:30 PM Eastern, FOX, Patriots favored by 4 ½
What It All Means
The Patriots will win the AFC East, and be the 4th seed in the AFC. Forever and ever Amen. This game means a lot more to the Bucs though. They are in a tie for first place in the NFC South with the Carolina Panthers. They are in the same situation as the Giants, Cowboys, Bears, Falcons, Vikings, and Panthers find themselves. They could be looking at as high as a 2 seed in the NFC Playoffs, or be out of them entirely, depending on how they fare in these last 3 games of the season.
News You Can Use
Nip Tuck
This is the first time Bucs coach Jon Gruden has coached in Foxboro since the 2002 AFC Divisional Playoffs. Chucky brought his Raiders to New England, and lost in a driving snowstorm in one of the most memorable games in NFL history thanks in large part to a controversial negation of a Tom Brady fumbled due to the invocation of the obscure “Tuck Rule”.
This is not water under the bridge for Gruden. He was asked about the infamous game this week, and his response was, “I got to go now. I don’t want to relive it, OK?”
Baby It’s Cold Outside
The Bucs are a team known for sucking in cold weather. They went 27 years without winning a game where the temperature was below 40 degrees. They’ve since won an NFC Championship game on the road in those conditions, but you know that still has to be in the back of everyone’s mind. For the record, the temp on Saturday in Foxboro is supposed to be 37 degrees. The Pats are 15-3 in December since their era of dominance began in 2001.
Brady Banged Up
NE quarterback Tom Brady is listed as questionable with an injured shin, but he has been practicing and it appears that he is going to start the game on Saturday. Backup Doug Flutie will be ready to go if Brady’s condition worsens during the game.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Patriots are the hot, sexy, voluptuous pick as a team that could get red hot in the playoffs. Indeed, they have been playing very well of late. Their substandard play (for them) this year has been due mainly to poor pass defense and lack of a running game. Both of those things seem to be improving for them.
They are going to get all they can handle from the Bucs. Tampa’s defense is just the truth, and a finesse offense-oriented team, like the Patriots are this year (3rd in the NFL in passing offense), is going to have a hard time with them. Still, it’s December, it’s Foxboro, and I can’t pick against New England here, but Tampa will make them earn it.
PATRIOTS 24, BUCS 17
Gruden’s Tucking Pissed
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (8-5)
AT NEW YORK GIANTS (9-4)
Saturday, 5 PM Eastern, CBS, Giants favored by 3
What It All Means
The Giants lead the NFC East by a full game over the Cowboys. They are not only trying to stay on top of the division, but to vault ahead of the Bears and into the second slot in the NFC and a first round playoff pass. KC lost a heartbreaker in Dallas last week, and it was a big blow to their playoff drive. They are in a 3 way tie with San Diego and Pittsburgh for the last AFC wildcard spot, and they have to be looking at every game as a playoff game from here on.
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Black and Big Blue
The Giants are banged up for this game. They will be without their middle linebacker and leading tackler, Antonio Pierce, who has a sprained ankle. They could also be really compromised on the offensive line, where both tackles, Kareem McKenzie and Luke Petitgout, left last week’s game with injuries and may not be available this week either.
Eli, Eli, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?
The Giants’ second year quarterback and royal scion Eli Manning has been getting more and more erratic every week. He was picked off once in Week 12 against Seattle, twice the next week, and three times last week against Philly. He can’t do that against the Chiefs’ potent offense, because they will turn those turnovers into points.
Diaper Dandy
Last year, KC coach Dick Vermiel suggested that it was time for his then 3rd string running back Larry Johnson to “take off his diaper”. This year, it’s opposing defenses who have been feeling a rash when playing against him. LJ will be going for his 7th straight game with over 100 rushing yards, and he’s found the end zone 10 times during that stretch.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
Eli, are you ready to win a big game for your team? You will have to be. KC is tough against the run, but has the 30th ranked pass defense in the league. Last week, Drew Bledsoe showed that he could take that weakness and turn it into a huge win. It’s going to be entirely up to Eli to show that he can do the same. He has the weapons to do it, and I think this will be one of the landmark wins that every great quarterback must have to get to get to greatness.
GIANTS 27, CHIEFS 21
PITTSBURGH STEELERS (8-5)
AT MINNESOTA VIKINGS (8-5)
1 PM Eastern, CBS, Steelers favored by 3
What It All Means
Both teams share the same 8-5 record, and both are in what amounts to a single elimination situation from now until the end of the season. The Steelers have a 3 game season where their competition is KC and San Diego, while the Vikings still have a shot at the NFC North title, or coming out on top of the NFC Wildcard pileup if that doesn’t pan out.
News You Can Use
Sex On the Water, A Fire In the Sky
You knew the other shoe was going to drop sooner or later on the Vikings Orgy Boat scandal. This week, the shoe did drop, and the shoe was more like a steel toed boot. QB Daunte Culpepper, RB Moe Williams, CB Fred Smoot, and OT Bryant McKinnie were all charged with misdemeanor lewd conduct for the incident this week.
The court documents describe things such as fondling, lap dances, sex toys, and oral sex.
The kicker is this was all BEFORE they got on the boat, there weren’t even any women around when this happened.
No just kidding. The complaints actually allege the following:
– Culpepper and Williams received lap dances.
– McKinnie “performed and received” oral sex
– Smoot used a sex toy on two women at the same time
So Culpepper is getting nailed to the wall for a lap dance? That kinda sucks to be him.
Bus-ted
Steelers’ RB Jerome Bettis was named AFC Offensive Player of the Week after carrying for 101 yards and 2 TD’s against the Bears last week. That prompted Vikings’ DT Pat Williams, a former Buffalo Bill, to weigh in on the Steelers’ girthy running back. “I’ve run through the Bus plenty of times,” Williams said. “He ain’t really no problem.” Bettis begged to differ, saying, “I don’t remember what game he was talking about. The last time I played him against the Bills, I had over 100 yards, so maybe he is looking at something I am not looking at.”
Willie Nears Milestone
The Steelers have the reputation of being a grind-it-out team with a punishing running game. Would you believe, though, that they have not had a 1000 yard rushing season out of a running back since 2001? It’s true. Willie Parker has a great chance of changing that though. He has 856 yards on the season.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Vikings win by forcing mistakes out of their opponents. The Steelers are a team that, when they are good, has no need to pass the ball and hence does not make a whole lot of mistakes on offense. They ran it all over one of the league’s elite defenses last week, and they should be able to have more success this week. I think the resurfacing of the Mr. Smoot’s Wild Ride specter this week is a harbinger that the party’s over the Vikings. They won’t win this game, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t win again in 2005.
STEELERS 21, VIKINGS 17
You Can’t Get This Lap Dance Here For Free
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PLAYING OUT THE STRING
These games are unholy abominations. I would rather watch a 180 minute Ironman Match between The Boogeyman and Hillbilly Jim than watch these games:
ARIZONA CARDINALS (4-9)
AT HOUSTON TEXANS (1-12)
1 PM Eastern, FOX, Cardinals favored by 1 ½
Dan Reeves has been hired by the Texans’ as a “Special Consultant”. He’s going to need to double his dose of Zocor if they end up making him the head coach. Then he’ll dance the Dirty Birdy.
CARDINALS 27, TEXANS 17
NEW YORK JETS (3-10)
AT MIAMI DOLPHINS (6-7)
1 PM Eastern, CBS, Dolphins favored by 8 ½
Chris Chambers will have 400 receiving yards in this game. Then his head will spin around 3 times and he will eat everyone. He has become a conduit to the evil spirit world.
DOLPHINS 24, JETS 10
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (5-8)
AT ST. LOUIS RAMS (5-8)
1 PM Eastern, FOX, Rams favored by 3 ½
Remember when I said the Rams were going to the Super Bowl? No. Good neither do I. I never said that actually. Never. The only fun thing about watching the Eagles anymore is trying to guess which one is going to hurt for the rest of the year, because you know that happens every week. They’re all like the drummer from Spinal Tap.
EAGLES 26, RAMS 24
CLEVELAND BROWNS (4-9)
AT OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-9)
4:05 PM Eastern, CBS, Raiders favored by 3
Kerry Collins is back as the Raiders QB this week. That Marques Tuiasosopo thing worked out awesome.
BROWNS 20, RAIDERS 19
Tuiasososooooooo….yooou’re not good
Aaand I’m spent. To my audience of fellow IP columnists, and vigilante mothers, I say goodnight, and have a good weekend. I will be back on Monday to see how all this turned out.
