Howdy. Check out Part 1 and then continue…
THE WRESTLING OF 2005:
The Good:
1. The Matches
Let’s not forget the reason why we’re all here. There have been a lot of idiotic and unfortunate events in wrestling in 2005, as there always will be, yet it has been a fantastic year for entertaining matches too. The various combinations of Joe, Daniels and Styles in TNA have put on some absolute belters and will continue to do so into 2006. Regardless of the stupidity that continually surrounds certain aspects of TNA; you can always rely on them to offer up a four-star match to save the show. While they may be the pinnacle of the promotion, there have been some stellar efforts by the rest of the roster too – in particular Alex Shelley, Austin Aries, Chris Sabin, Petey Williams, America’s Most Wanted and Monty Brown. Raw prevents itself from showcasing their wrestlers to the same athletic degree as TNA, but they do have some genuine MOTYCs courtesy of Kurt Angle, Shawn Michaels and Shelton Benjamin. With a bit of luck certain people in WWE management may realise that Benjamin is capable of being used a lot more and we’ll get to see him and Michaels steal the show at WrestleMania XXII in a twenty-minute match-up. Smackdown has been the more constantly worthwhile WWE brand for the year, though they were lacking in genuinely classic matches in 2005. They did have a great Ladder Match at SummerSlam courtesy of Eddie and Mysterio though, not to mention the continued brilliance of Chris Benoit all year long. They also had the most unexpected treat of the year when Cena and JBL inexplicably had a decent I Quit Match at Judgement Day, which was an even bigger surprise than the respectable Edge/Hardy Cage Match at Unforgiven or the Raven/Abyss Dog Collar Match at No Surrender. As for ROH… hell, throw a rock in the air and you’ll hit a great wrestler. Only if you throw it in the ROH locker room, that is… and you really ought to not be throwing rocks at wrestlers, they might take it the wrong way… so… yeah, just forget that analogy. Me likey ROH. There, much better.
2. The DVDs
Nostalgia has been the main driving force behind WWE in 2005. This has had an adverse effect on the state of the contemporary product but, on the bright side, it has given us a hell of a lot of very well-produced DVD packages and the company does deserve tremendous credit for them. The most anticipated one was of course the Bret Hart collection, The Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Ever Will Be (what, they couldn’t have just gone with Excellence instead?) and it lived up to the great expectations with a superlative match listing chosen by Bret himself. There are plenty of matches left off that could form the basis for a second DVD at some point, such as Austin at Survivors ’96, Michaels at Survivors ’92, Savage at SNME in ’88 and Owen at SummerSlam ’94. Jake Roberts sobered up long enough to help make the Pick Your Poison retrospective, which is lacking in classic matches but full of classic interviews and character work that still remains unsurpassed. Ultimate Warrior got given the Self-Destruction treatment but in all honesty it was not as vindictive as some feared it would be and was largely just an honest account of a very deluded individual. The Undertaker got given the three-disc treatment with Tombstone, though at this stage they would probably have been as well to wait until his imminent (hopefully) retirement for a truly career-spanning collection. The Road Warriors got given that very same treatment in The Life & Death of Wrestling’s Most Dominant Tag Team, thankfully leaving off any and all traces of Mr Heidenreich. One of the best general compilations WWE has made was The Greatest Wrestling Stars of the ’80s, which offered such fond memories as the Piper/Valentine Dog Collar Match from Starrcade ’83 and Lawler/Von Erich in the Unification Match from SuperClash III. Last and by many means least was the WrestleMania Anthology boxset, which unfortunately seems to be a wasted opportunity due to the lack of bonus material. For those of us in Region 2 DVD land it’s also a bit late since we have access to Silvervision’s Tagged Classics line, which is slowly but surely releasing all of the old WWE PPVs. There aren’t any extras there either but they do come complete with all the old entrance themes, commentaries and whatnot. They’re currently up to WrestleMania VIII, Royal Rumble ’94, SummerSlam ’93, Survivor Series ’92, King of the Ring ’96 and In Your House 16, so get cracking.
3. Spike TV
They ditched Raw by mutual consent but wound up throwing a lifeline to TNA when they picked up Impact. Yes, the show is stuck on a worthless timeslot and is doing weak ratings, generally speaking, but the ratings are very steady and seemingly doing very well for the target demographic. Spike has shown nothing but patience and kindness to the promotion so far, even giving them a number of primetime specials, so there’s no reason why TNA cannot start to slowly expand their audience and push their ratings marginally higher throughout 2006. The most important thing is that they can actually come up with some long-term plans for the main event and not continue to collectively shit themselves, throw everything out the window and start again whenever somebody like Nash or Sting shows them the slightest bit of attention. The shake-up at the start of the Spike deal was understandable but it really, really does need to be the last time they treat their title like a meaningless prop. We all know that it is a meaningless prop but they don’t have to constantly remind us of that fact. Pick Christian, pick Monty, pick whoever as the new golden boy but just plan it out and let it all gradually unfold… and then make it last.
4. The Patience
Contrary to the shotgun-booking tendencies of TNA, there has been a very welcome tendency in WWE to have a bit more patience in their booking of certain angles. This has led to the return of lengthy title reigns for their main champions, something that started with JBL last year and has continued with Cena and Batista. They are both on course for one-year title reigns should they manage to keep their belts through to WrestleMania XXII, which would be the first time it happened since Hogan’s second title reign back in 1989. Their most likely opponents would be Triple H and Orton, though there is still the chance that at least one of them may drop their belt to one of the heels before that point. Either way, it is still refreshing to see the return of lengthy title reigns. The rest of the belts in WWE are still treated like shit but at least the WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Title are being made slightly presentable. They have managed to keep some rather lengthy feuds going in 2005 as well. For better or worse, rivalries like Angle/Michaels, Edge/Hardy, Orton/Undertaker, Guerrero/Mysterio and Batista/HHH lasted over the course of several months. They were not all booked particularly sensibly and they did not all feature a number of memorable matches but the important thing is that they at least tried. It might not always be to our liking but it is better to try and create an epic rivalry rather than randomly pairing a couple of wrestlers up for a month at a time and seeing what happens. Hopefully they will continue to work at this in 2006.
5. Batista
I’m struggling to think of a fifth specific positive and to be honest he’s only really here as a counterpoint to the big chin that took fifth place in the negative list, but there’s no denying that Batista has been one of the most essential people in WWE this past year. He’s not perfect by any means. He has struggled to put on any decent matches since his switch to Smackdown (the feud with JBL was notoriously poor) and he has made some truly insipid comments in interviews about TNA and OVW, but the fans continue to worship at the altar of the Animal for the very simple reason that he looks like a genuine champion. The ladies like him because he’s a handsome guy with a well-concealed sensitive side. The fellas like him because he kicks ass and looks cool doing it. The wrestling nerds like him because while the company tried to push overgrown teenagers like Orton and Cena, we just went with our man DAVE and he actually benefited from it. He’s like a smarter, funnier, cooler version of Brock Lesnar and his actions in the aftermath of Eddie’s death have proven him to be a genuine team player and potential locker-room leader (or at least a saner and more relevant one than Taker, Holly or JBL). It’s unclear what the future holds for him considering that he is pushing 40. Obviously the passing of Eddie and the failure to sign Lesnar have limited his WrestleMania options to either the probable encounter with Orton, a fruitless encounter with Undertaker, or a unification match with Cena. I would prefer to see the latter, which would be one of those fabled ‘WrestleMania moments’ and actually achieve something that would benefit the entire promotion, but there’s always the chance that such a match could go ahead with Orton in his spot instead. He’s working with an injury already and his physical condition could only get more unstable from this point on should the mythical drugs policy actually have any long-term effect. Still, whatever the future holds, we’ll always have WrestleMania XXI.
The Bad:
1. The Sickness
This is the catch-all category for all the deaths, breakdowns, injuries, arrests, overdoses, lawsuits and general madness that has been inflicted on various wrestlers this past year and will, regrettably, continue to be in 2006 and beyond. The most high-profile of these is obviously Eddie Guerrero and Chris Candido’s death was on an equally tragic footing, but there have been numerous other victims of the sickness in 2005. There is a pipe dream that WWE will actually get around to launching and utilising a genuinely effective drug-testing program in the coming months and perhaps finally realise the useless nature of 90% of their house shows and so give their workers a more lenient schedule. Unfortunately, history can offer us plenty of evidence that makes this little more than a crack-pipe dream. There are no easy answers here but we can at least hope that many of the younger wrestlers prove to be savvy with their savings and focus on personal fulfilment in the manner of Jericho, Christian and Tajiri before they wind up running away from the IRS in a wheelchair.
2. The Premature
One of the most irritating things that WWE insists on doing is finding young wrestlers and instantly elevating them to a level they are clearly not ready for in a futile attempt to find the next big thing. They brought in Lesnar and more or less gave him the title immediately, which left him with nowhere else to take his wrestling career other than down. After he went they tried the same thing with Orton and it failed spectacularly, setting his career back several notches. Carlito turned up on Smackdown and won the US title straight away, then won the IC belt straight away after turning up on Raw despite having a ridiculously limited moveset. Seriously, Christy Hemme showed more development in her wrestling skills this past year than Carlito has, yet now she’s been released and he will be competing for the WWE Championship at the next Raw PPV! What’s more, he will be joined in that match by Chris Masters, the man who makes Ronnie Garvin seem like X Division material. Punch, kick, punch, kick, slam… punch, kick, punch, kick, suplex… punch, punch, kick, punch (ooh, variation!), full nelson, victory… Christ, it’s like watching Berzerker squash matches on WWF Superstars, only without the funky boots and the loveable hussin’. Then there’s Trevor Murdoch, who we are told is actually a very good wrestler despite a complete lack of televised evidence to support these claims. Or how about Ken Kennedy, who has managed to move up to the upper mid-card on the back of being able to say his own name in a well-pronounced baritone? Or Bobby Lashley, who made it into the main event of Survivor Series by being able to beat the legendary likes of Simon Dean? Or Mohammed Hassan, given more screen-time than any other heel without three Hs to his name, who managed to take a distasteful angle and produce matches that left a sour taste in the collective mouths of the audience? WWE insists on pushing their younger stars beyond their limits and expects them to be able to cope with it, yet the audience has no interest in them and just winds up resenting them for it. The sad part is that someone like Masters might well turn out to be a very good wrestler in five years time yet by then it’s unlikely that anybody will care. Just take things a little bit slower… hell; Bret didn’t win his first world title until he was 35, Michaels until he was 31 and Austin until he was 34. Chill.
3. Nostalgia
Nostalgia is wonderful in small doses. It’s great to get the various special edition DVDs that were mentioned above. The Hall of Fame induction ceremony is a wonderful chance to pay tribute to favourites from yesteryear (who agree wholeheartedly with Vince McMahon). The odd appearance of a retired wrestler in backstage skits or in-ring interview segments can do wonders for a younger wrestler’s career (such as the Roberts/Orton segment). The problem comes when the company starts to over-indulge in nostalgia by using it as a cheap method of fleshing out the card rather than actually focusing on their current stars or even using the legends to do anything beneficial. Getting someone like Mick Foley to beat Carlito was a complete waste. Random appearances by Goldust and Vader were comical but they weren’t played for laughs. Bringing in Jim Duggan, Kamala and Jimmy Snuka to work a program with Rob Conway and Eugene did nothing to elevate the Con-Man and was instantly forgotten. Hell, they even built an entire PPV out of nostalgia in One Night Stand. Things like this are nothing but lazy writing and a complete slap in the face to people like Charlie Haas and Frankie Kazarian, who wind up leaving the company because they just simply can’t get a break. Now we’re gearing up for the 2006 Hall of Fame and yet more nostalgia as Hogan inevitably returns alongside Saturday Night’s Main Event. Great, maybe they can bring back New Coke and Steve Guttenburg while they’re at it.
4. Raw vs. Smackdown
If you listen really closely then you might just be able to make out the faint sounds of me banging my head off the desk each and every time somebody tries to make out that this ‘feud’ was a good idea. If they want to keep up the charade of having two separate brands then realistically the only time they should meet on-camera is during the Royal Rumble match and for one or two special inter-brand matches at WrestleMania, plus perhaps the odd guest appearance by the other brand’s General Manager during the draft lottery month. That’s it, that’s all, that’s all there is, for many varied and obvious reasons that I have repeated countless times this year and cannot be bother repeating yet again as they are self-evident.
5. John Cena
Okay, here’s the thing… John Cena is not a bad wrestler. He has been involved in plenty of one-thumb-up matches during his time in OVW and his early days on Smackdown. The problem is that the powers that be want him to be a vicious brawler instead of a serviceable grappler and he looks ridiculous doing it. Furthermore, John Cena is not a bad rapper. Personally, I don’t know nearly enough about rapping to be able to judge it accurately but his album has garnered some quite positive reviews from those that do. The problem is that the powers that be want him to be more of a stand-up comedian than a freestyler and their idea of choice humour is lame gay jokes that deserve to be met with nothing more than tumbleweed. Also, they want him to tow the company line and say what is written for him and act how they tell him to and at all times wear his readily available merchandise and the effect of this is that he comes across as little more than a fanboy suck-up. This is not damaging in and of itself, but it is when they continue to try and pass his character off as a rebel with the sole cause of making life difficult for management types. It is completely transparent and, with no decent matches of to dilute the effect, the fans continue to shit all over it in ever-increasing numbers and volume. The only ones that don’t are the ones bowled over by his looks or too stupid to know any better but, unsurprisingly, they are in the minority. Curiously, given his fancy entrance and the burgeoning desire to have some kind of a genuine star on the roster again, there are a number of fans that will cheer him and boo him in equal measure. If the powers that be would only give Cena back some of the edge that made him so popular back in 2003 then it would actually be a precursor to a more successful babyface run further down the line. Will it happen? Will it f*ck,
TOP 5 PAY-PER-VIEWS OF 2005:
1. WrestleMania XXI
Obviously. It’s getting to the point now where the show can cruise by quite happily on hyperbole alone and it will still feel like the biggest wrestling event of the year. That’s what they will have to do with the 2006 version unless some minor miracle happens, but the 2005 version still had some classic moments. Michaels and Angle had one of the greatest bouts in WrestleMania history, Cena kicked off his reign to very suitable apathy from the crowd, Benoit and Benjamin had some crazy spots in the Ladder Match, DAVE smashed Triple H and gave the fans a happy, Orton-free ending, and Taker skateboarded to the ring before kicking the shit out of the aforementioned “coulda been a contenda” pretty-boy. Ignore Eugene, Hassan, Hogan and the treachery of Mysterio’s mask and it’s nothing but good times.
2. Bound For Glory
Whether you like him or not, whether you agree with the booking or not, you cannot deny that Rhino put in one hell of a performance here. If they actually had the balls to stick with the result, or been capable of doing something similar with Monty Brown in the first place, then the current NWA World Title scene would be a lot more tolerable. Anyway, the show also had some hilarious unintentional humour in Ultimate X, Jeff Hardy taking an insane bump, probably the last chance to see a Liger/Joe match even though it was too short, and an immense Styles/Daniels 30-Minute Iron Man match. All in all, it was TNA’s most coherent PPV offering of the year.
3. Survivor Series 2005
Yeah, yeah, yeah… There was nothing that really stood out and made this one particularly unique or special but, in a year with a rather limp Royal Rumble, it was WWE’s most consistently entertaining PPV effort from top-to-bottom. None of the matches really meant a great deal in the wider picture but they did their job well and actually seemed to be having fun for once, furthering the argument for a brand reunion. The only clunker was, naturally, the Bischoff/Long ‘match’ but, hey, The Boogeyman went and gave them some star ratings anyway, so it’s all good.
4. One Night Stand
It really has been a bad year for PPVs if this one can crack the Top 5 but it was at least something relatively fresh and different, which is enough to make it memorable and get onto these end-of-year type lists. There were a lot of sub-standard performances from people who should really know better (e.g. Guerrero, Benoit, Mysterio and Jericho… yes, I spoke badly of Eddie, go ahead and flame me) but Paul Heyman and Rob Van Dam showed some true heart in their promos and The Sandman entrance was actually an enjoyable blast of nostalgia. Plus – a drunk JBL beating the shit out of Blue Meanie and then having to job to him on Smackdown? Priceless.
5. Unbreakable
The undercard was unexceptional. Jeff Hardy lost to Bobby Roode, which was a nice treat for us all. Aries and Strong had a decent little bout with one another. Sean Waltman f*cked up the Candido Tournament but paid for it with his job. Raven and Rhino had a fine brawl. Jeff Jarrett had no match at all. It’s all utterly forgettable, but the main event certainly wasn’t. The X Division headlined the show for once and Christopher Daniels, A.J. Styles and Samoa Joe excelled as they put on the Match Of The Year in one of the finest three-way matches ever. Go ahead and argue if you want to, but I won’t change my mind.
ANTI-NEWS:
“There are two billion Chinese people livin’ in China. That’s how you know someone’s doing some serious f*cking…”
TATANKA is due to return to WWE at a house show in Pittsburgh on the 28th December, teaming up with Shelton Benjamin to face the deadly combo of Carlito and The Coach. Christ on a bike, they want to bring back Tatanka? The man whose biggest claim to fame is failing to win the IC title from Shawn Michaels in a passable match at WrestleMania IX? Great, why not just bring back Max Moon, Kwang and Giant Gonzalez and have a real party? I suppose using the legends as house show attractions is the best place for them. Anything that keeps Roddy Piper’s belly from national exposure can only be a good thing.
***
“I like makin’ love myself, and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious f*ckin’, then I need eight hours sleep! And a bowl of Wheaties!”
HULK HOGAN had some more disparaging remarks to make about Shawn Michaels in a recent interview. He said “Shawn had expressed how much he wanted a dream match. Things were cool and we had a good match, that’s pretty much where we left it at. There was always room to have a Hogan vs. Michaels II and III, but Shawn went on TV and kind of made fun our match and I didn’t want to pursue working with him any more. I think there’s a lot of the old Shawn Michaels in the new Shawn Michaels.” Yup, there’s a little midget version of Shawn Michaels with big ol’ Bon Jovi hair and neon green tassels, bounding around inside the left testicle of the new Shawn Michaels to the Rockers theme tune, trying valiantly to act like as much of a hypocrite as Hogan can. He continued with “I wouldn’t mind working with a young guy who would like to learn how to put butts in seats. If you have an ego or you’re worried about technical wrestling, I’m not interested. I’m worried about the bigger picture. It has to do with business and generating revenue, not being robots.” Yes, Hulk, that’s right, robots do a lot of technical wrestling. In fact, I understand that Soundwave is in training to make it onto the Decepticon freestyle wrestling squad for the Cybertronian Olympics in Kaon next year. Moron.
***
“When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, “Richard, what do you see?” I said, “I see all types of people.” The voice said, “But do you see any niggers?” I said, “No.” It said, “Do you know why? ‘Cause there aren’t any.””
THE WRESTLING CHANNEL is planning to get up-to-date TNA coverage in the UK next month. They’ll be broadcasting double-bills of Impact and a special marathon session on the 15th January until they get caught up by Final Resolution. From that point on they will air Impact and the PPVs on a one-week delay rather than the current five-week delay. If you have Sky Digital then you should get TWC on channel 427. I don’t have Sky Digital but I do have PWTorrents at my beck and call and get to see the TNA PPVs on a two-day delay, so shove it up your ass.
***
“How much money have we raised so far? None! OK, this is a message for all you white people out there. Part of the money we raise tonight will go to the Back to Africa movement and…”
CHRIS JERICHO is writing a book about his formative years in the wrestling industry. The working title is A Lion’s Tale and it will be published by Warner Books with an assist (probably a large one) from Marc Gerald, who apparently worked with 50 Cent on his literary effort. It’s probably worth keeping an eye on this one since Jericho is no longer employed by WWE and the book will not be published by them, giving him much more freedom to be honest and critical about certain people and certain situations (WrestleMania XVIII springs to mind). He also has enough projects in the media and of course with Fozzy, not to mention a huge market value in the non-WWE wrestling market, to not be particularly concerned about burning any bridges. Still, I’d be far more interested in seeing an uncensored Fozzy tour documentary.
***
“When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up *quick*! I saw something, I went, “Well, that’s a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like *fire*!” Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3.”
JEFF HARDY is most likely finished with TNA after he no-showed the Turning Point PPV, where he was scheduled to wrestle in a six-man tag on the pre-show, hard-sell, buy-the-PPV-or-Don-West-will-cut-you event. This is, unsurprisingly, not the first time that he’s failed to turn up for a major event (and last time he was actually on the card proper) and his one-last-chance has seemingly come and gone. I’m sure this will make Eric very happy. I’m sure there is a very good explanation for Jeff’s erratic behaviour but if I were to understand it then I would need to go and get me a crack pipe and, really, that’s just too much hassle. Sean Waltman, the original and best Dumb Ass Skinny Wrestler, has apparently been hanging out backstage at TNA events in recent weeks to try and persuade the relevant people to bring him back into the company. I say that if they sign Homicide then they bring Waltman back to face him in Homicide’s debut match, let him beat the shit out of the scrawny white dude, and then fire him immediately afterwards.
***
“I’m doing this stand-up on the show because the people at NBC said that well America don’t know who you are and you come out and they’re scared. They just see black people and they get nervous if they don’t know who they are.”
ERIC BISCHOFF seemingly has an uncertain future in WWE. According to The Hott B@ckst@age Reportz~~!!1, many workers feel that he will be gone for a while and possibly gone for good after ‘losing’ his General Manager position. The original plan was to keep him as an on-air character anyway, most likely managing the returning 3 Minute Warning, but there are no known plans to actually go ahead and do this. Read what you want into this but it does sound like certain internet wrestling reporters are merely disgruntled about not being kept in the loop and so are returning to their favourite pastime of Talking Out Their Ass.
THE COMIC BOOKS OF 2005:
1. Absolute Watchmen
The most influential and perhaps greatest comic book of all time takes a page out of Sharon Osbourne’s book and gets the expensive makeover treatment. In wrestling terms this release is akin to the Ultimate Ric Flair Collection. It’s an important reproduction of one of the finest moments in the industry and one that still, for better or worse, remains an influence on every single mainstream release (and quite a lot of the independent ones too, regardless of whether they would like to admit it). The book has been finely remastered and blown-up into an oversized hardback then topped off with some bonus material such as excerpts from Alan Moore’s script and early concept sketches by Dave Gibbons. The whole thing is then wrapped up nicely in a big slipcase. And yes, it is big… too big for my bookcases in fact, so it has taken pride of place on top of them. This is the one comic book that you should own and for those of us who want more than the paperback version, this Absolute edition is essential.
2. Absolute Crisis Of Infinite Earths
Watchmen was influential in many, many ways but it was the Crisis event that forever changed the face of the DC Comics Universe. It remains the original and best company-wide crossover and the only one that has actually had any genuine lasting effect on the characters. 2005 was the 20th anniversary of it and so DC launched a meticulously planned sequel-of-sorts, Infinite Crisis, which has the fanboys in a flap and may yet actually achieve something useful (such as making Batman less of a dick and Superman less of a pussy) but, as always, the first cut is the deepest. The book gets the standard oversized Absolute treatment and comes complete with an equally huge book of bonus material that I haven’t even been able to look at yet. Rest assured it will soon be up there on top of the bookcases with Watchmen.
3. Runaways vol. 1 HC
Runaways was the most original and brilliant series that Marvel has produced in near thirty years so, naturally, they cancelled it after just eighteen issues. Thankfully the fan demand was strong enough for the series to be relaunched earlier this year. Even better than that was the release of this hefty tome, which collects the first volume in its entirety and throws in some of those patented bonus materials for good measure. The basic hook is that six kids find out that their parents are actually super-villains and so they run away (get it? Not too subtle?) to try and bring them to justice, only to discover that they all have powers too. It’s a great read and would make for a cool animated series should they be so inclined.
If the Runaways are the best team to have been introduced in many years, then Invincible is by far the best solo superhero. He’s probably best described as a kind of hybrid of Spider-Man and Superman dragged into the 21st century. This is old school superheroics with a contemporary spin and one hell of a surprise ending to this first oversized hardback collection. Hopefully it will be the first of many future similar volumes but then this is Image Comics, who were three years late in releasing their own tenth-anniversary book so let’s just wait and see.
The spectre of Watchmen strikes again with Dave Gibbons’ graphic novel, partly based on his own life. Autobiographical science fiction, if you will. It’s hard to describe but well worth a look. Try to think of it as Quadrophenia filtered through the hard-ass style of classic 2000AD stories.
That’s not all, of course… Marvel still has the edge when it comes to genuinely fun superhero nonsense and it doesn’t get any better than Fabian Nicieza’s bizarre odd-couple spin on Cable & Deadpool, which is possibly the greatest action pairing since Mr T and the original crazy fool, Howlin’ Mad Murdock… they also have the best comedy writer since the heyday of Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis in one Dan Slott, and his Ally McBeal-meets-Invader Zim spin on She-Hulk is a delight… there’s also Brian Michael Bendis’ Ultimate Spider-Man, probably the best pure superhero book on the market today… it’s only real competition is DC’s Legion Of Super-Heroes but that one is about to get tainted by Supergirl so beware… Of course, the best ongoing comic books continue to be from DC’s Vertigo imprint, so get in early before they make an inferior movie adaptation… there’s Andy Diggle’s The Losers, chock-full of action thanks to the amazing art of Jock (yes, that is his name)… Brian Azzarello’s 100 Bullets gives you a briefcase with irrefutable proof of how a certain person in your life has wronged you along with an untraceable gun and those damn bullets and it’s up to you how to use them… Brian K. Vaughan brings the awesome in Y: The Last Man when every male on the planet dies bar one man and his monkey… his WildStorm book, Ex Machina, is also well worth a look… and so is Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman. Zombies!
As always, keep an eye on the Comics Nexus for everything else you could possibly need from the exotic realms of comic books.
THE BRAND REUNION:
I’ve been banging on about ending the brand extension quite a lot in the column in the past couple of months. Out of curiousity, I put up a poll on our WWE forum to see what the consensus regarding a potential brand reunion was there.
The results?
61% think Raw and Smackdown should be reunited permanently
26% think they shouldn’t be reunited permanently
11% think they should just unify the world titles
Here are some of the comments that were made…
“reuniting is the only thing that can save the wwe at this point. the divisions are too thin and sooner or later somebody is bound to notice that. so many people would lose thier jobs though, because they’d never get any tv time, but we could have a good tag division again, and a strong mid card.”
Yes, people will lose their jobs but this is meaningless to Vince as he worships at the altar of “doing what’s right for business” so don’t lose any sleep over it.
“I don’t really see the point of it at the moment. Even if tehy did get back together there’d still be a lot of the same problems but with more people to fill. A lack of long-term planning, focus and direction isn’t going to be fixed by clumping the brands back together.”
True, but it would be easier to fix the lack of long-term planning, focus and direction if they effectively wiped the slate clean and gave themselves a new square-one to work from by recombining the rosters. They certainly wouldn’t do a brand reunion on a whim. Regrettably, they would probably ruin the opportunity by continuing to offer up poorly written storylines, painfully unfunny attempts at humour, and spotlight matches involving the wrong people but at least they could create the opportunity rather than just sitting in the dark, mumbling something about the cyclical nature of the business and hoping that it somehow all works out.
“Keep certain titles exclusive to certain shows though. Keep the GMs in place to govern what matches are allowed on which shows. But allow the entire roster to be used by either show. Then have the titles be as follows:
WWE World Heavyweight Champion (Incorporating the histories of the two belts into a single one and not calling it the undisputed or anything stupid like that.)
WWE Intercontinental Champion (Defended exclusively on Raw, no PPV title matches even. This gives the ability to have regular title matches on Raw.)
WWE United States Champion (see Intercontinental, change Raw to Smackdown)
WWE Womens Champion (see Intercontinental, but allowed to be defended on PPVs.)
WWE Cruiserweight Champion(see Intercontinental, but allowed to be defended on PPVs.)
WWE World Tag Team Champions (See WWE World Heavyweight Champion)
That would make it a little less cluttered, preserve the history of the old NWA/WCW titles, and the old WWE titles, while bringing everyone into a system that would allow for advancement based on how high you rank in different title pictures. The important part here is that anyone who wanted to work on winning the US Title would be forced to work on Smackdown for a period of time. Then they could move to challenging for the Intercontinental Title, and work for Raw for a while. Then eventually move on up to the big dance where the story could be drug out over a series of six shows (leave some time to have other stuff happeing too) for the PPV Title match.”
That system would last six months at best before the collective headache of the simpletons running the show led to them scrapping it completely.
“There’s only actually one world title, and it currently has a crappy spinning logo in the middle of it. The other belt is ridiculous, has no history, and means nothing. Of course, had they actually bothered to have some kind of tournament to crown the first Raw champ, then it might have had a base to build on. As things stand, the championship currently held by the man whose facial expressions denote a constant battle against outbreaks of ‘roid-rage means about as much as the Cruiserweight or Women’s belts.”
Well the Women’s Title has been around since 1956 and the Cruiserweight Title since 1991 (sort of), so the World Heavyweight Title has a ways to go yet. At the moment it remains as prestigious as the Million Dollar Belt, only far less shiny.
“Speaking of which, they may as well just can the Women’s title. No-one gives a shit. No-one will ever give a shit. As for the cruisers, it doesn’t matter what anyone says or does on the internet or anywhere else. The WWE will NEVER be a place where you can see the kind of action the X division is becoming known for. After all, the predominant feeling (ie, the feeling shared by the WWE bigwigs and the fed’s most influential ‘stars’ is that a) those guys don’t know how to work, and b) letting them go out there and have the kinds of matches Styles and Daniels have will overshadow the main events. And, as everybody knows, the fans would much rather watch a couple of juiced up cripples punch each other for twenty minutes, blade until all the drama of blood in wrestling is lost, and attempt their finishers approximately seventy eight times per match. Because that is how you work, and that is how you tell a story in the ring.”
Considering they are so desperately courting the Latin-American demographic it’s rather strange that they haven’t just launched a straight-up luchadore show and actually let them cut loose. They may as well do something similar with the Divas and just launch a PPV porn channel and have done with it.
“I can see them reunifying the world titles, but not bringing the shows back together. It’s hard to keep the shows as separate and distinct other than they’re both WWE, when they constantly have interpromotional matches and the draft. By having one World Champ, the IC and US titles might have a chance to shine given the right booking. They should treat everything kinda like the NFL, theres the AFC and NFC, but everything is still the NFL. Keep everything separate except the World Title and trades. Drafts every once in a while but excluding title holders. World Title should be treated like the Superbowl, with only the best from each show getting to compete for the title at the brand specific PPV. Can’t really have a long drawn out feud that way, but it’s better than seeing the same match for 3+ months running. The IC/US titles could be like the AFC/NFC Championships. The most important for each show, but not most important for organization as a whole. (And I know the NFL analogy sucks but it’s the best I could come up with.)”
The Intercontinental Title was originally meant to become the primary belt for Raw once Brock Lesnar took the WWE Championship to Smackdown but Triple H said it wasn’t prestigious enough. Presumably he just didn’t want “his” show’s main title to bear the burden of a lineage that included Chyna and Jeff Jarrett.
“The McMahon family are the majority owners and they run the business the way they think it should be run. Most of us hardcore fans don’t really like a number of aspects of that (too much sportz entertainment, lack of creativity in long-term booking, putting the brakes on guys who can do innovative matches, etc.). That said, we also know it’s still the biggest game in town so we continue to watch. As long as Vince and Steph are in charge, I think we’ll get in the future basically what we’re getting today and have been getting for the last 10 years or more.
so watch more TNA everyone!”
Okay.
“This just flashed through my head. Why not take one of the feeder feds, like OVW, and kick it up a notch. Keep the McMahon’s and all other WWE suits the hell away from the show and give your younger talent a place to cut it’s teeth in the big time away from the status quo. With Raw and snme, there might just be enough tv time, with a pared down roster, to give smackdown to the “non-wwe” fed that could be started with the cruiserweights and young kids. This of course, would mean that vince and the board would have to hire writers that know how to use “big spot” matches like the cruiserweights have correctly.”
Yes, and on that fine day Satan shall go skating to work. WWE simply does not want to use the cruiserweights as anything more than a token gesture and convenient card-filler. Also, intentionally giving one of their TV shows over to a bunch of complete unknowns would be even worse than the sorry state that Smackdown is currently in. The simple truth is that they need to find a properly balanced mixture of past, present and future yet they are currently indulging themselves in the past, largely ignoring the present and jeopardising their future. Only by combining the rosters again can they hope to leave nostalgia as an occasional treat rather than an integral part of the show, since then they would actually have enough available talent to cobble together an entertaining product that could then, with due care and attention, gradually form a vital progression for the company.
Come on, just admit it. When you’ve got to add two Raw superstars to a Smackdown PPV in a desperate attempt to make it even vaguely interesting, something is wrong. When you’ve got Chris Masters and Viscera fighting in a match where the winner gets a title shot on PPV, something is wrong.
Just cut the crap and get the reunion planned for WrestleMania.
TOP 5 PIZZA TOPPINGS OF 2005:
1. Pepperoni
2. Mushroom
3. Sweetcorn
4. Peppers
5. Sausage
EXIT:
– IAIN BURNSIDE reviews the rather lovely new album by Ryan Adams, plus the latest issues of AMAZING FANTASY and NIGHTHAWK…
– Feel free to take another look at our Top 50 Wrestlers list for this year – Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
– Check out the first two editions of the Anti-Nexus, the first one deals with mutants and the second one with the social stigma of comic books.
– WILLIAM REGAL has an excellent interview with the Manchester Evening News about his career comeback a few years ago.
– BYTE THIS is friggin’ hilarious this week, courtesy of Tazz and Michael Cole.
– JED SHAFFER wages war on the IWC and thus becomes my new hero – neatly replacing Optimus Prime, who is dead this week…
– DAVID BRASHEAR looks at the most peculiar phase of Dustin Runnels’ career, which is really saying something…
– J.D. CLARK look at the biggest wrestling news stories of the past year…
– MATT GARDNER liked Raw this week but I’m sure he’s a nice person really…
– The rest of U2 are perfectly fine with the Africans starving…
– White people are mutants, or so say some scientists…
AIM: KingKongBurnside
MSN: Zomig
Iain Burnside is currently waiting on a part to fix his boiler…
