I know the Orton-Undertaker storyline’s gotten bad to the point where I’m longing for the days of Verne Gagne. But it’s not so bad that I’m longing for the days of Greg Gagne…but it’s gettin’ damn close. – KC Evers (no relation)
Testify, brother. Thank God this is going to be the blow-off.
In Memoriam: Jack Anderson, Nemesis for the corrupt, evil and venal.
Ah, departures. The vile, disgusting Patriot Act is about to vanish from the scene (and be revived by GOP opportunists during election season next year to “prove” that we Democrats are “soft on terrorism”; any candidate who makes that claim is a cocksucker who wants to take away your civil liberties, by the way). Dubbaya’s remaining credibility is now pissed away thanks to those NSA revelations. Howard Stern has deserted the standard radio airwaves and can only be heard through a pay service. Ford thought their balls had vanished, only to recover them; let’s see the fundies start trading in their Expeditions and F-150s for cars that are less gay-friendly, then we’ll talk. Science is trying its damndest to make the mystery of the Mona Lisa’s smile disappear. And John Spencer is gone, period. All apropos as the current year reaches its climax.
And what’s departed for me right now is my inspiration, hence a pretty boring and obvious lead. I’m still trashed from two days of interviews in Oklahoma this week, and I’ll recover that energy just in time to catch a flight on Tuesday morning to Minnesota (thus making me unable to put out a column next Tuesday, and making that quote from KC even more poignant considering where I’m headed). Unfortunately, my good suits will still be at the dry cleaners, a situation that ticks me off a little. However, if it’s a choice between not looking so good or wearing a suit that went through three different meat plants, I’ll take the not looking so good, thank you.
I really have nothing more to say, so let’s rock…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
The caps look a little out of whack this week because I decided to use the Canadian feed for this purpose (so I could get some of this shit done on Friday instead of trying to cram everything into Saturday), and I had to crop out the goddamn scrollbar. So everything looks like it’s in widescreen. Maybe it’ll enhance your reading experience. Unless you really wanted to know Thursday’s biathlon results, in which case, you’re f*cking sad. Wait until Turin to start caring about that, like normal people do.
Match Results:
The Boogeyman over Nunzio (Pinfall, pump-handle slam): Please, do us a favor, “creative”. Stop using the Cruisers as fodder for any heavyweight that needs a push. In particular, stop using Nunzio for that purpose. He’s a multiple-time cruiserweight champion, after all, and a good guy to boot. However, you may feed Grenier to Boogeyman. I don’t think any of us will mind.
Actually, considering the current push of the Boogeyman, some sad news has a silver lining. As 1bullshit Junior’s been reporting, Matt Capotelli (who I believe is the only Tough Enough winner still working for WWE) was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. He was scheduled to start filming introductory vignettes this upcoming week for his debut in the majors. The last time he was declared ready to move up from OVW, he was injured and was out for months. And now this happens. First of all, we hope that it’s operable and/or can be treated with chemo. He’s a good kid, and I think all of us are hoping that he makes a full recovery and can get back in the ring. However, odds are pretty damn good that he would have been fed to the Boogeyman if he landed up on Smackdown, or fed to Lashley, or both. His tragedy delayed that fate from happening. The lesson here is, always look on the bright side.
Yeah, Guido, I know just what you feel
Kid Kash over Super Crazy (Pinfall, brainbuster): A lot of the old-timers were muttering to themselves during this match, going “Why couldn’t they do a match like they used to have in ECW?” Because, guys, they’re now seven years older, with seven more years of abuse on their bodies. Let me do a comparison here. Given the demographic of the audience for this column, it’s pretty safe to say that seven years ago, you could probably masturbate five or six times a day. Now? Twice if you’re lucky. So I don’t think they need to demonstrate ECW-like behavior in the ring until you demonstrate to them that you can masturbate five or six times in a row. Go ahead and try that, and see what Kash does to you.
Man, those cheers for Lance Hoyt down in Orlando must piss him off
If Nick Patrick can keep Mexicans out, why can’t the Border Patrol?
(And if they read this, they’ll never interview me for that job I applied for with them.)
Now that’s the Super Crazy we all knew and loved back in ECW
And here’s the Kid Kash we all knew and loved back in ECW
Rey-Rey y DAVE over Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, DAVE pins Mercury, DAVEBomb, New Tag Champions): The f*ck? What the f*cking f*ck? In other words, huh? The questions just flow like the clap-ridden penis this show descends into becoming at times. Does DAVE really need a second belt to get over? Does Rey-Rey need another tag title reign (or any reign, really; he’s got to the point where he can stay over without a belt)? Did there really need to be a title change on a show broadcast two days prior to a PPV where a title switch to a face team that NEEDED the belts was obviously planned?
There are three reasons why this happened, and they’re all cynical:
1) They wanted the feature tag match at Armageddon to be champion-versus-champion. Why? To make the match SUPER-SPESHUL? It was going to be a mediocre match to begin with, and this won’t change that. Not unless you inject TBS with something that’ll make him attempt to wrestle, and get Kane to give a shit.
2) Necrophilia, pure and simple. Eddy’s two best buddies get the tag straps and are able to dedicate the win to him. This is almost as bad as the RSPW Awards’ similar display of licking Eddy’s putrefying asshole*. Of course, that can be explained by the fact that CRZ and TheCubsFag are involved with those. What’s “creative”‘s excuse beyond cashing in on the dead? At least Katie Vick was fictional.
* – You will be happy to note that we are setting up our year-end awards, and Eddy’s only been mentioned once for Male Wrestler Of The Year (and Grut, you should be ashamed for doing that). There’s enough Eddy LUV being spread around in the nominations, true, but it’s in safe and understandable places. That’s why you should ignore every other site and only come here, folks. We know how to judge things objectively.
3) Juvi’s been behaving like a complete asshole backstage recently (gee, what a big surprise), so there’s going to be a little punishment for him and his buddies. No tag title match for you, Mexicools, and, oh, by the way, Juvi, you’re going to be dropping the strap to Kid Kash on Sunday. Don’t like it, go pop some MDMA and beat up on cops again.
In other words, the result of this match was inexplicable and unjustifiable. Can anyone there actually, like, book?
In the meantime, I’m going to have to break into Neeley’s and Fitzgerald’s medical records and see what their doctors have put them on. Nothing I’ve been on, and I mean nothing, has f*cked me up enough to give a match like this three and a half snowflakes, which is at least one and a half too high. I want to know what they’re on, and the moment I get medical insurance back, I want on it. And, Neeley…”the droids walk out”? Oh, this must be some really good shit.
If I wanted this kind of choreography, I’d go see The Producers. Go see it. Fuck what Kubryk is going to say about it.
No, Johnny, that’s not going to work
Okay, a springboard powerbomb. That’s nifty.
This, however, is niftier
Something tells me that if I could get Melina into bed, I wouldn’t survive the experience. But what a way to go.
When was the last time Lil’ Naitch reffed a title change?
Bobby Lashley over Paul Burchill (Pinfall, Dominator): In recent weeks, Lashley has squashed a Canadian and two Brits (and gets to do the same to both Brits at the same time at Armageddon). Where does he go from here? They haven’t had an Australian on the roster since they got rid of Nathan Jones. Maybe they can say that Funaki’s from Hong Kong. Like Americans can tell the difference.
Next time on Inadvertantly Offensive Pop Culture References On Signs, ‘AMW are Brokeback Mountain’!…
…anybody want to bet that someone shows up at the next Orlando tapings with that one?
If God had meant for Brits to fly, He wouldn’t have made Heathrow such a pain in the ass
Booker T over Matt Hardy (Pinfall, scissors kick): 1) Matt Hardy in a 2) Angle Advancement Match 3) for an angle that was set up a few minutes before. That could be the ultimate example of an I Don’t Give A Shit Match.
Yeah, Booker! Do it! Do it!
We like it! We like it!
Angle Developments:
Nothing much angle-wise this week, which is no surprise considering it’s a pre-PPV show. The whole Randy “retirement” thing was just goddamn silly, so I’m not getting into it. KC, I think it has reached Greg Gagne stage. However, the Full Druid Entrance may have prevented that. I’ll have to take stock, depending on the results Sunday.
It’s nice to see a father supporting his son in regard to seeking psychiatric help. Fuck knows that I didn’t have that experience.
Anyone surprised that the shrink wasn’t UT in disguise? In fact, he looks like Nick Bakay.
DAVE drinks WATER! And so should you!
And thus are a thousand bad fanfics born
The wellspring of a thousand more bad “Evolution Reunion” fanfics
And thus Krystal books a match for Armageddon. Wasn’t it cute that Matt actually tried to enunciate during his promo? He sounded like Eliza Doolittle.
WWE’s marketing officially goes overboard. I can’t wait for High-Quality Speaker Boy’s Genesis: “In the beginning, the Wrestling God created the heavens and the earth”. And shouldn’t Ric Flair have been the sponsor for Revelation? Four Horsemen and all that.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Samoa Joe over Jay Lethal, Non-Title Match (Submission, Kokina Clutch): There’s a rather disturbing pattern developing with Joe’s squashes. Every time it’s logistically possible, he gets to squash an ROH guy. It’s almost as if Joe is insecure about his decision to devote most of his time to TNA and he has to be reassured by TNA management that he, indeed, made the right decision by getting to kick the shit out of guys who’ve made their name in ROH. We’ve seen it with Aries, we’ve seen it with Strong, now with Lethal. Could this be the case? Wrestlers do have tremendous egos, you know, and some need different types of reinforcement than others. Samoa Joe could be a bundle of neuroses who needs some snuggles now and then. Try wrapping that image into your skulls.
By the way, some people have taken me to task for not giving ROH the LUV that they think it deserves. There’s a simple reason for this: Gabe Sapolsky has not sufficiently kissed my ass enough for me to start doing so. You see, I have an ego too, and I need a little stroking. However, in the spirit of compromise, I will state this: during our nominations for Year-End Awards in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum, I gave MOTY to Joe/Kobashi. So I’m willing to go part-way with this, Gabe. All you need to do is start puckering up.
The one guy whose push Jarrett can’t f*ck with
Joe does his Jay Feely impersonation…EAST COAST BIAS!
Alex Shelley over Matt Bentley (Pinfall, small package): Okay, it was fun and fast-paced, and the right guy went over, so there’s no real need to complain. But I still want to know this: exactly when did Matt Bentley turn face? Exactly why did Matt Bentley turn face? And if Shawn Michaels turned heel on Raw, will Bentley turn too? Bentley’s formerly impressive moveset is turning into a carbon copy of his cousin’s, only with X Division flavor. Hey, I still want that Shelley/Aries match, and I’m impatient for it. I expect it at Final Resolution.
Alex, please. Spike’s target demographic is too sexually insecure to see you do this.
No, it doesn’t, Shannon. Why don’t you be honest and hold up a sign saying “My no-compete expired!”?
(By the way, facing away from you in the foreground is Don Harris. Was it Ron or Don who once got really drunk with Dutch Mantel, proceeded to shave off some of Dutch’s copious back hair, glue it to Dutch’s crotch, and proceeded to give Dutch a blowjob, pretending he was eating out pussy? And do they repeat this backstage at Universal while in “private booking meetings”?)
And a really weird small package ends the match
Rhiyno over Joe Doering (Pinfall, Gore Gore Gore): Poor Joe Doering. His debut match in TNA is now best known for Jeffykins bailing. His second match was being on the wrong end of the squash, and in the process having West link him with Team Canada. What did he ever do to deserve that?
So, who does Doering look more like, Chris Candido or FudgePacker?
Jobbers require a little tough love now and then
The Ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley and the Ex-D-Von Dudley over Elix Skipper and David Young (Pinfall, the Ex-D-Von pins Young, 3-D): Ever since they changed the Diamonds’ theme to that ripoff of Drain STH’s “Simon Says” (Simon Diamond’s old ECW theme), for some reason, the Diamonds have been getting a credible push with high-profile matches. They never win those matches, of course, but they’re credible in their performances. Of course, this week, it was their turn in the ex-Dudleys’ rotation of heel tag teams. Now it’s back to Team Canada for them as TNA still tries to figure out who the hell they can put together as a face tag team in order to spare us having to see the ex-Dudleys involved in every single tag match since they’re the only face team left.
Elix always wanted to know what it was like to be Santa’s bag
I’m putting this here so that we have a permanent record that, yes, David Young actually can get some offense in
Dave Hebner’s here to take notes on T-shirt designs he can bootleg
Angle Developments:
So Who’s Up To Bat Next?: Okay, so Larry Z is going to select yet another opponent for Raven in yet another gimmick match. Let the guessing game begin. First, the opponent. Let’s start eliminating people from Raven’s past, shall we? Rob Van Dam, Taz, Stevie Richards, and Tommy Dreamer are all getting checks from Vince, so they’re out (damn shame about Tommy, though; if there’s ever an ultimate blow-off opponent for Raven, it’s him). There is no way on God’s green Earth that TNA will go to bed with New Jack again, although it’d be interesting to say the least. Even if Tajiri didn’t go back to Japan, he’s still got the ninety-day, so he’s out too. The ECW refugees already in TNA have already been tapped out. Abyss will likely be busy with Rhiyno. That only leaves a few warm bodies to play with:
1) Sandman: Lambert’s money is on Fullington, and at this point, so is mine. They need a big name for this one, and he’s about the biggest name from Raven’s past that they can pull in. He’s worked with TNA before, so they know what they’re getting. Also, he needs the beer money.
2) Vampiro: Now this is an intriguing possibility. They fought each other in TNA before a couple of years ago in an entertaining little bloodbath. He’s also a possibility for a long-term signing due to his history with Sting (they’ll need someone for Sting to f*ck around with after he’s done with Jarrett). There’s also some long-standing real-life heat with Konnan stemming from their days in Mexico, again giving a feud possibility. This might not be a bad selection, especially since they can probably get him cheap.
3) Perry Saturn: Again, history with Raven and experience with TNA comes into play. But I don’t think he’s up for what’s going to be an intense match compared to those other two.
4) A returning Kevin Nash: I just don’t see it. However, is the bridge burned? Nash’s illness was, by all accounts, legit. But would he really play Larry’s willing tool? If this does go off, I’d expect him to play Larry’s unwilling tool, doing a work-shoot about how Nash f*cked everyone over at Bound For Glory by getting sick and this is his last chance or something like that.
Now, what kind of match do you do? They’ve already shot the wad with House of Fun. Monster’s Ball has become more of a multiple-participant thing. Raven and Sandman have already had an FCA match in TNA (back in 2003). They could revive some of that weird shit that they’ve done with Raven in the past, like the Hangman’s Horror Match or the Blood Gallows of Retribution Match that he did with Vampiro. I say they’ll play it safe. Given the stip, it’ll be either Last Man Standing or Six Sides Of Steel, although the latter would cut down on the possibility of Larry-ference that will be necessary to this angle.
In other words, who knows? We should know the type of match prior to Final Resolution, but the opponent will be a “surprise” that we’ll find out about courtesy of Scherer and Meltzer a week before the PPV.
Gail Kim’s offended at even the hint that someone would prefer to f*ck a mere Tough Enough winner as opposed to a former WWE Women’s Champion. This spells trouble for Charlie Haas if he comes in.
Love is a force of nature, indeed
When “Simon Says” turns into “Truth Or Dare”
Appearing soon at a Smackdown house show near you
Okay, that covers this. Stay tuned for the Armageddon Round Table, which’ll be up today. As for me, as I said, I won’t be in on Tuesday. Hevia will be covering for me. Hey, at least you won’t have to listen to me kvetch about Armageddon. Toodles.
