Howdy bowdy! I’m Tom Pandich, and I’ll be covering tonight’s taped Raw. It’s the yearly military special from Afghanistan and this time its Raw doing the moving. Keep refreshing for updates.
Joey Styles and Jerry Lawler give us an intro and here comes Vinnie Mac to give himself fellatio. Oh boy, he’s after the liberal media this time too talking about how they haven’t told the story of Afghanistan. Vince suggests that Santa give the liberal media “a big bag of reindeer poop”. Where’s Eric S? I need a Vicodin if the night is going to be filled with self serving bullshit like that.
Lilian Garcia comes out and Styles informs us of three things:
1. Garcia is a military brat.
2. It’s 43 degrees in Afghanistan so Lillian must be freezing her ass off.
3. Joey and Jerry are back in the States and weren’t there for the live coverage.
Garcia sings the national anthem which gives us USA chants and takes us to commercial.
We come back to Cena and crew in Germany supoorting the troops. HBK signs autographs and some kid is sporting a Carlito fro. From Germany we’re magically whisked away to a military hospital where the Big Show, HHH, Vince, and Mick Foley hang with the wounded soliders. A wonderful piece.
Carlito vs the Big Show
Mixed boos for Carlito and a huge reaction for the Big Show. Paul has a great shit eating grin on his face. Carlito attacks Big Show from behind and gets punched for his trouble. Carlito bails to the outside, but gets pulled up by his hair. Carlito gets a few punches in before going to the top rope and eating a choke slam. Big Show walks around giving high fives. Shitty match but pretty inoffensive as it was over in a minute or so.
Winner: Big Show
HBK/HHH tonight in a Boot Camp match. Time for another video? Why yes, I think it is. John Cena and Shawn Michaels learn about the danger of landmines. By my count, only one picture of a legless child so that’s a plus. Commercials for WWE the Board Game. If you haven’t picked this up, you haven’t a clue what you’re missing. YOU GET TO MANAGE ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE WRESTLERS! You control their destinies for hiring and firing! Carlito randomly shows up at your house and you can give him apples!!!
455th Air Expeditionary Wing welcomes us back. The Coach comes out to introduce Santa. Santa comes out as a thin man dressed in camo with a Texas accent. Santa says Vince was a bad kid and that the world doesn’t care about the US troops. Santa also says if this place was any better it would suck. Santa then says he can’t get Don Perignon for his reindeer and says it’s more like Rehabistan. Evil Santa cancels all of the holidays and soldier leave getting massive boos for that.
Another Santa comes out, and IT’S A SWERVE!!! Good Santa does a cheap pop and says that he’s bringing presents to all the troops. The Coach says one of these Santas has to be an impostor. Good Santa proposes a No Ho Ho Holds Barred match and I cry from the badness of Foley’s joke and IT’S ON!
Bad Santa versus Good Santa: Will Christmas Be Cancelled?
Bad Santa attacks Good Santa from behind. Foley’s beard comes off pretty quickly. Foley grabs the toy bag and beats JBL over the head. Salad tongs to the testicles of JBL and Foley hits JBL with a pillow. JBL looks dazed wondering whether he has to sell for a pillow, decides not, and then knocks Foley down. Clothesline from Hell misses and Foley hits a double arm DDT. Mr. Socko comes out and it’s a Mandible Claw for a three count. We get a cut to the Polish forces and you make your own joke here.
Winner: Good Santa
Cena and Trish do a press conference with the Afghan press. That takes us to commercial again.
Back again with a Raw Rebound of Vinne Mac firing Bischoff. Now it’s time for another video. How about Rita Crosby and her terrible voice doing a piece on the troops and the wrestlers. This goes on forever with lots of fun for the troops. How silly can the Big Show be you ask? Very, very silly. I blackout halfway through the piece, and we’re in commercial again. Can’t say you missed anything beyond “YAY WWE, YAY USA” with that piece though. Not that that wasn’t expected.
We come back with Rick Scatvetta wishing his wife and family a Merry Christmas. Here comes Shelton and he’s playing the face tonight to a strong reaction.
Gene Snitsky versus Shelton Benjamin: The Aborter versus the Affirimrator
Snitsky looks like he’s been off the roids for a while. He’s still as ugly as ever. Snitsky’s beard is gigantic. Shelton starts out hot but eats a shoulder block. Snitsky removes the turnbuckle pad and tries a suplex(?) which is counter. Shelton hits a flying forearm followed by a knee lift. A top rope clothesline is followed by some fists. Shelton does a weak Stinger Splash into the exposed corner, eats the boot and is pinned.
Winner: The Mongaloid
We get a tour of the Taliban Tavern in Kandahar. It’s followed by the announcement of a Cena/Masters match. This is turning into the worst Christmas ever. Speaking of Christmas, commercials!
We’re back. Whiskey Company says hello and THE CHAMP IS HERE!
John Cena vs Chris Masters: “There is no Santa” match
Cena comes out to cheers. The Gym Bunny pose is even doofier without the pyro and Masters jiggles his manboobs. Gross. Cena and Masters tie up for a good twenty seconds. Masters forces Cena into a corner and poses. Cena now gets a side headlock. Jerry Lawler starts talking about the great strides women have made in Afghanistan and irony sounds a bell. Cena dumps Masters and then pursues and eats STEEL!
Cena eats the Masters Lock, and almost, almost breaks it. Masters breaks it and decides to go off the second rope. He eats some boot and punches are traded. Cena hits a shoulder block, two clotheslines, and here we go. Cena begins to sample from his previous matches and we get the Cena formula. Throwback, five knuckle shuffle, FU. Bleh.
Winner: John Cena
WWE.com has all of the troop shout outs which is a pretty cool thing to do. Flair is up next and we get another montage about how the WWE wrestlers are touched by the men they entertain. Yes, I know this Raw would be this way tonight, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be bored with it. I still support our troops. Just give us the Big Show on a tank or something at least a little different. More commercials.
We’re back and the Coach introduces Ric Flair saying he’s on a losing streak…in life. Ouch. That was cold Coach. Ice cold. Lots of woo’s as Flair gets into the ring.
The Coach congratulates Flair on his fairwell tour in Afghanistan. A couple of woo’s from the crowd for that. The Coach challenges Ric Flair to a match for the Intercontinental title. A “kick his ass” chant comes off. Here we go!
Ric Flair vs the Coach: Can’t we get one decent match?
The Coach elbows Flair in the eye and then chokes him with his shirt. The Coach takes a thumb to the eye and Flair starts styling and profiling. Ten count of punches in the corner. Ball shot on the Coach and Flair sets up the Figure Four. The Coach taps out pretty quickly, and Flair gives out hugs to the crowd. Aww.
Winner Ric Flair
Time for another video. Here we go. The Big Show is shooting guns and blowing “stuff” up. That’s the type of badassness we needed to pick this show up. Now some military guy talks about how Afghanistan needs to be rebuilt. Foley talks about how these people have been forgotten about, and how they shouldn’t have been. Vince talks about how Ghazni has water and schools being built for the first time in forever. JBL, talks about how the Afghan citizens had their second election in so many years. HBK fires off a rocket! Fucking awesome. Then they talk about how some girl cried when she saw HBK. Wahhh. Commercial time again.
We’re back and HHH talks about how he’ll never forget this experience. That asshole is holding down all of his other experiences. We get some whiny rock music (Staind), but Trish is firing a machine gun! It’s another explosion. Flair is styling. Masters is shirtless….again. End of the video and Marie nearly enters a “Do Not Enter” door. Because she’s retarded! HAHAHAHA. Anyway, “Santa’s Helper” match is next.
T(rish) and A(shlie) versus other boobs
BOOBS WIN! By pinfall! Showing ASS! In all seriousness, it’s nice to see the troops not having to entertain themselves through sodomizing the Taliban while drunk talking about how gay it was. Finish came when Trish hit with the whirly bird head scissors on Candice and tagged in Ashlie. Ashlie proceeded to get pinned two seconds after she got in. This is the second longest match of the night right behind HHH/HBK.
Winners: Candice and Marie
We get a video of the people who have died in the service of our country without a wrestler to be seen. Easily the best piece of the evening which makes me feel sorry for all of the assholery I’ve put into this report. Damn sentimental pieces always get to me. We cut to what hopefully will be the last set of commercials for the night.
We’re back with a preview for New Year’s Revolution. What goes into making a wrestling ring in Afghanistan? Lots of punk rock apparently. Punk rock and good clean American work ethic. The troops that set up the ring proceed to f*ck around in the ring and now it’s time to play the game! Well, not really. More like time to read about how I watched Shawn Michaels playing the game. That is if HHH was an actual game and not a man.
HHH vs HBK: BCM
The Boot Camp match rules: No DQ, No count outs, and No rules! How can you play a game without rules? HBK comes out with a video camera wearing a shirt. Damn, I wish HBK wasn’t wearing his shirt. HHH’s nipples could cut glass. We cut to Michaels camera and it’s time for TROOP CAM! Time to get it on.
The credits roll underneath the match as it gets going and Michaels eats a shoulder block. He gets up and eats a second shoulder block. Michaels then counters with a hip toss and a arm drag into an arm bar. We get this little sequence again, followed by a backslide for two. HBK hits a third arm drag into an arm bar, but eats a elbow. What will happen? We’ll cut to commercials, won’t we? :(
I may hate commercials, but I love the Super Mario Strikers commercial. The Mario costume in it is so incredibly poorly made that I always get a laugh from it. Anywho, we’re back and HHH is eating leg. HHH hits a big back body drop on to the sending HBK to the floor. They battle up the entrance way and HHH tries for a Pedigree. HBK counters and heads over to the sand bags.
HBK tosses a sand bag and HHH catches it. HBK hits HHH over the head with a second sand bag. Hunter comes back with a gas can nailing Michaels over the head with it. Michaels hits a kick and they head back into the ring. Hunter goes flying to the outside and Michaels hits him with a mop. HHH counters by throwing Michales into the ringpost.
Action moves back into the ring and have ref bump number one. HHH hits Michaels with a DDT for a thirty count. Mike Chioda comes in and counts to two. HHH gives him shit for the two count and Chioda points to his military patch on his refree outfit. HHH salutes and we get ref bump number 2.
HHH heads to the top rope and eats a boot and we get the ten count from Chioda in the quickest ref bump recovery ever. Michaels hits the flying shoulder followed by the elbow drop. Kip up and Sweet Chin Music…misses. Pedigree…no. Michaels does a double leg take down and springboards HHH into the corner. Sweet Chin Music finishes it and we get random shots of the troops and HBK celebrating.
We end the evening with the WWE superstars flying over to Afghanistan and a montage of all the fun we’ve had tonight. As far as WWE Christmas specials go, this was better then last year’s Smackdown! offering, but no where near as good as the first one. Sure, the wrestling was crappy, but the troops seemed to have a great time so that’s all we can hope for. Merry Christmas all and Happy Hanukkah (which oddly starts on Christmas this year).
