C H A N U K W A N Z M A S !
Given that tonight is doing the
TRIBUTE FOR THE TROOPS
The Rabble is doing a
V E R Y
S P E C I A L
U L T I M A T E
W A R R I O R
R A B B L E
Joining us to bringing these holiday tidings of destruscity, our brings of joy are:
Rudolph The Red Nosed Bill
Hernandez The Guatamalan Christmas Donkey
Chaunukah Jen
Kwanza Eric
Chris’Mas
Yule Tide Dani (who sadly missed this due to her new job)
..and your number one Vixen, Me, James Hatton.
Now due to the nature of this show, and the impossibility of doing the documentary portions of the show… as they are all TALKING… we will be reviewing all of the matches this fine dvd has to offer.
Are you ready.
Oh we are.
Our first match:
ULTIMATE WARRIOR Vs. TERRY GIBBS
10/24/87
BILL: So all of these matches have Ultimate Warrior in them?
HERNANDEZ: Jobber #1
CHRIS: A black announcer.. when is this?
So now here comes Warrior, sauntering down to the ring.
HERNANDEZ: He’s not walking.
BILL: It’s funny if he takes off those armbands, blood shoots out of his fingers.
So Gibbs hits the ropes…. hits Warrior and… falls. Gibbs hits the ropes and gets hiptossed. Warrior now winds up and puts Gibbs right into an armbar.
CHRIS: Look at this crowd.
ME: Yes.. they are livid with apathy.
So Gibbs hits the ropes and gets slammed down. And now we go to the picture in picture of Warrior giving his little promo.
CHRIS: Wow, that’s a feature they shouldn’t have gotten rid of
BILL: HIT ME ON THE BACK! LOOK IN MY EYES! LET ME SPIT WATER! I AM TRIPLE H!
So Warrior hits the Gorilla Press. He hits the Splash.
WINNER: ULTIMATE WARRIOR!
First Impressions:
CHRIS: Can we just label that as lame?
HERNANDEZ: We might be able to catch the main event of Raw
ERIC: We might be able to catch the second hour.
BILL: Can we just watch that again?
CHRIS: He didn’t even kick out at all.
Okay – are you ready kids.. it’s now time for another barn burner. The Rabble sends you down memory lane to 08/29/88. Summerslam. The Summer Spectacular.
We are life from Madison Square Garden… and who is coming down to the ring, but the longest running IC champ of the time… The Honky Tonk Man.
Now for those who don’t know, Honky had beaten EVERYONE! Here he comes with Jimmy Hart.
CHRIS: So when did he overdose on the toilet?
BILL: He’s responsible for Elvis sightings.
HERNANDEZ: He’s like Jeff Jarrett from the old days.
So Honky swivels his hips.
CHRIS: Please sir.. don’t do that.
BILL: That suit doesn’t have a lot of give.
And whose music starts to play?
“Give me someone to fight.. I don’t care who?” – Honky
JAMIE: In today’s wrestling.. we’d be seeing Mae Young
HERNANDEZ: Or the GobbldeyGooker.
SOMEBODY’S MUSIC?!?!?!
ME: Whomever it is probably should get a to……..w truck.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. HONKY TONK MAN!
Warrior enters the ring.
CHRIS: Holy shit his pants are blinding white!
Body check to Honky Tonk. Hits the ropes. Crossbody.
CHRIS: It’s over?
HERNANDEZ: Not yet.
BILL: Is that his finisher?
The splash… and WARRIOR WINS THE IC TITLE! OH MY GOD!!!one-eleven!!
WINNER: ULTIMATE WARRIOR
CHRIS: That has to be the lamest thing I’ve ever seen.
BILL: Yes, well you missed the last match… you turned your head.
CHRIS: So what the WWF is telling us is that the self destruction is their own doing.. crappy match after crappy match.
Chris makes a note of Honky Tonk having to move in the ring so he can take the splash… so we watch the entire match again.
JEN: Warrior’s been screwing people in parts unknown for years!
CHRIS: Where?
ME: He’s from parts unknown.
CHRIS: Ohhhh.. I thought that’s where he was screwing them.
BILL: I think Parts Unknown is within Viscera. Wrestlers just fall off of him.. look at Cloakis.
So Honky Tonk asks who his opponent is……….. (Yes, we’re watching again)
OH MY GOD WHOSE MUSIC IS THIS!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
CHRIS: Look at this crowd?
BILL: Shut up – they are waiting with anticipation.
JEN: The only reason is that this is a short match is that it’s a short distance to the ring.
So Warrior slams down Honky Tonk. Hits the ropes… crossbody. Clothesline! Honky Tonk Man wiggles into the right spot.. eats the splash.
WINNER… AGAIN!: ULTIMATE WARRIOR
CHRIS: 31 seconds… nice.
On the replay… we watch Honky Tonk man scooch over again.
BILL: Back and to the left.
HERNANDEZ: That’s because HonkyTonk is a ring general!
Now it’s time to move up to Wrestlemania VI for what is considered one of the greatest main events of all time.
BILL: You know.. with Hogan’s amazing ring prowess… his catlike reflexes
CHRIS: Why was Hogan popular again?
BILL: It’s really easy.. it was.. Hulkamania.
Champion versus Champion
Good versus Metal!
HOGAN vs. ULTIMATE WARRIOR
04/01/90
To start the match here comes Ultimate Warrior!
CHRIS: I really miss the Titantron…
Warrior runs into the ring.. shakes some ropes.. he’s got the Warrior sigil painted right onto his chest. Bill wants me to address the fact that the place is going bananas.
It’s now time for Hogan though.
CHRIS: You know.. few men can get away with flesh colored boots. Warrior cannot.
And here comes a Hogan from days gone by. A balding… blonde… slightly flabby Hogan… you know… nothing like today’s.
CHRIS: My hot daughter is just a toddler right now…
BILL: …I’d still do her.
JEN: Remember that you could actually re-enact this match with your wrestling buddies!
CHRIS: Look at that tan…
BILL: Look at that hair!
CHRIS: Are these guys gonna wrestle.. they are just ignoring each other.
HERNANDEZ: Verbal Debate!!!
ME: Get a t…. ube of toothpaste!
Hogan tests the ropes.
CHRIS: They’re real!
HERNANDEZ: It’s not licorice.
The ref… a young Earl Hebner explains the rules.
HERNANDEZ: Ok guys, we’re all gonna get fired.. let’s hope it lasts.
CHRIS: Look at those nipples… Rock Hard.
Warrior is scowling at Hogan and then finally shoves him. Hogan shoves him back. They lock up and Warrior throws Hogan to the corner. They lock up again annnnd Warrior gets tossed to the corner! Warrior comes back and wants the test of strength.
Hogan goes for it….. their hands meet.
CHRIS: ‘We got the touch!
ME: Eiffel Tower Baby!
They lock up and go chest to chest.
BILL: This certainly is a contest.. of skill… and strength
CHRIS: This scene could take place at a bathhouse just as easily.
BILL: What’s great is that as they pull away, Warrior’s going to have on Hogan’s mustache.
Warrior gets the head of the ring and Hogan’s on his knees.
HERNANDEZ: New level of gay!
Hebner goes to his knees and talks to them.
CHRIS: The ref is… marrying them?
Hogan gets a leg up…..
CHRIS: Warrior’s… just kinda standing there
ME: That’s kind of his career.
Hogan gets to his feet and pushes down Warrior!
BILL: They are VERY evenly matched in this showing of skill
CHRIS: NOW SUCK IT DOWN! Look he’s licking his way up to the chest!
BILL: That’s cause Hulk covered him in honey.
So Hogan drops Warrior and goes for the pin. Two count. Warrior beats on his chest… and now both men go for the cross the ropes. Finally Hogan catches Warrior and slams him down. Warrior gets up and gets his OWN bodyslam!
CHRIS: Is this match in slowmo?
ME: No.. that’s DESTRUCOCITYMEGOXOPLEXIZS!
Warrior charges Hogan and Hogan goes out of the ring. Hogan looks like he might have hurt his knee.
HERNANDEZ: brother.. brother brother… brother… brother!
Warrior stomps around the ring as Hogan sits and continues to hold his knee. Here comes the Warrior.
CHRIS: Now he can superkick!
Warrior kicks Hogan and goes right back in the ring.
BILL: That would have hurt if it wasn’t two feet away.
CHRIS: Is Hogan the same age now as he was then.
ME & HERNANDEZ: ..yes.
Warrior rolls out and tosses Hogan into the ring. He then begins to kick right in the leg.
ME: PSYCHOLOGY!
Both men begin choking each other right to the ropes.
CHRIS: His knee is healed?
HERNANDEZ: Yep!
Hogan charges and throws the fists on Hogan, tosses him to the corner for a clothesline. Climbs up to the top turnbuckle for the ten fists….
BILL: I.. SAID…. SUCK… IT.. why are they counting?
Hogan now bodyslams Warrior, drops an elbow and gets a pin for two. He gets Warrior in a side headlock. Hogan pulls him in for a small package for two! Then brings him around for a chinlock. Followed by big fists to the back of Warrior’s head.
ME: DONKEY PUNCH!
Warrior tosses Hogan into the corner and the chopfest begins! Hogan sends Warrior to the ropes and a big clothesline sends down UW. ONLY a two count though! Hogan fights with the ref.
BILL: The Rabble can’t help this match
CHRIS: We’ve already lost interest
HERNANDEZ: Look we’re past the 2 or 3 minute match
BILL: Manos.. Hands of Fate?
CHRIS: ThE MaStEr SaYs.. ThIs MaTcH ShOuLd Be OvEr
So back in the chinlock. Long holdspot…. finally Hogan knees him in the back, and then hits a belly to back suplex forrrrrr TWO COUNT! Right back into the chinlock. Warrior begins to… War-Up.
CHRIS: HE’S PUMPIN
HERNANDEZ: He’s Roidin’
Warrior elbows Hogan in the gut. Hogan drops down and they both throw the clothesline at the same time… BOTH men are out.
HERNANDEZ: Both men so agile… so … limber…
JEN: ..so quick…
BILL: They’re lying on the ground.
HERNANDEZ: …sorry. It’s funny that they are both really winded.
ME: Your champions folks… your champions.
CHRIS: ..Mitchell?
Both start to get up. Warrior starts to shake….. and Hogan doubleaxes, but that just fuels Warrior more!
CHRIS: HOGAN CANNOT INJUR HIM!
Warrior throws the big fist… the clothesline…. another….. He does the stompy dance.
ERIC: I’m a maaaniac maaaniac on the floor…
CHRIS: Hulk is POWERLESS in face of his lameness.
ME: Warrior has thrown in the t..o…w………ing line!
Warrior tosses Hogan from corner to corner.. on the second one Hogan drops.
BILL: This match reminds me of playing wrestling videogames!
Warrior hits a suplex for two. Warrior grabs him in the bearhug!
MONSOON: ..Hogan barely squeezes out of that one
ME: Squeezes out what?
BILL: This turd of a match.
Back to the bearhug…
CHRIS: …stroke his hair
BILL: Tell me you love me.
HERNANDEZ: Nibble on his ear.
MONSOON: Warrior’s got it locked low on the backside
ME: HA!
CHRIS: He’s writing the jokes for us…
BILL: This is the slowest submission in history… he’s trying to give Hogan the Aids… it takes ten years… but it never fails.
On Raw – Chris Masters has Cena in the Masterlock
BILL: IT’S THE SAME MATCH!?!?!?
Back on the DVD…. Hogan fights his way out of it… and Warrior gets sent to the ropes, Hebner takes the bump HARD! Now Warrior leaps to the top… doubleaxe to Hogan… Second corner… second doubleaxe
HERNANDEZ: EARTHSHATTERING!
Warrior now stops and goes for the crossbody, and Hogan “pushes” him down to the mat…. yep…. as far as we’re concerned.. Hogan guided him to the mat… Warrior didn’t in fact miss. Hogan goes for the pin.. he gets the three.. but hey.. NO REF!
HERNANDEZ: If Hogan won off that.. I’d be disappointed.. he should too
So Warrior out of nowhere gets a belly to back! He gets the pin…. BUT NO REF!
CHRIS: …i get it… they both can do it.. yes… i know….
So Hogan pulls Warrior over into a roll-up, only for a slow two count. Back on their feet Hogan hits punches, and then a clothesline sends Warrior to the floor and Hogan follows.
BILL: Can we go back to the loop of the music… that was exciting.
They fight in the steel post, bouncing around there for a bit before coming back into the ring. Warrior hits a clothesline. He pumps his fist
ERIC: Is he a train conductor?
HERNANDEZ: CHOO CHOO!
Warrior hits the gorilla press! Warrior hits the splash! 1… 2.. NOOOOO!!!!!
HOGAN IS TARDING UP! Warrior hits him and Hogan shakes his head no.
CHRIS: YOU ARE A JOKE!
ME: YOUR KUNG-FU IS SHIT!
Warrior tries to hit him again, but he gets the wagging finger… and here comes the big Hogan roundhouse punches. The Big Boot! The Leg Drop, but WARRIOR MOVED! WARRIOR MOVED! HE SPLASHES HOGAN!
1 ………… 2…………… 3……………
We get a shot of Hogan
CHRIS: WHYYYY WHYYYYYY IT’S A MADHOUSE!
BILL: IT’S MADE OF PEOPLE!??!?!
Hogan grabs the belt from Finkle and heads into the ring.. he passes the torch!
HERNANDEZ: You know.. this match was better as a memory… looking at it now.. f*ck.
CHRIS: I like the Hollywood ending.. where they hug.
ME: I remember seeing this match when I was 11.. and now… well.. I want to be 11 again.
So in something new… fireworks go off!
ERIC: Aww, I thought the Warrior exploded!
BILL: He self-destructed.
WINNER: ULTIMATE WARRIOR
So now we move to that summer… a time for Warrior to revisit an old opponent. The Ravishing Rick Rude. This time.. in a cage!
RAVISHING RICK RUDE vs. ULTIMATE WARRIOR
08/17/90
With Vince and Piper commentating on this 15 foot high steel cage. Which nowadays… makes me go… ‘You know.. that cage just ISN’T 15 feet!’
So now coming down to the ring, with the greatest manager ever… Bobby The Brain Heenan… RUDE!
CHRIS: The FIRST Val Venis
BILL: You know what makes him Ravishing? His moustache.
I voice along with Rick Rude’s old class intro ‘fat.. out of shape.. sweathogs..’ Oh yeah. I miss Rude. He takes off his robe and he flexes. We then explain Rude’s tights to Eric. Warrior on the ass.. Rude on the crotch.
Warrior comes on down.. charging down to the cage! Shakes the hell out of it.
ERIC: He almost broke it on his own.
BILL: Self-Destructed the ring.. get it right.
So Warrior climbs to the top and begins fighting with Rude on top of the cage. The bell rings.
ME: If Warrior drops.. he wins?
ERIC: That’s true…
Warrior climbs in.. leaps on the turnbuckle and double axehandle. He then throws Rude headfirst into the cage a batch of times. Rude sells like a summabich! Finally Warrior charges and Rude DUCKS.
ERIC: It would be better if Joey Styles commentated.
BILL: OHHHH MYYYY GOOODDDDDD
Rude now climbs to the top. Warrior goes and grabs his leg… Rude kicks him down and Warrior drops.
BILL: Did they spin these guys 15 times on a bat? These guys are so dizzy!
Warrior charges again and Rude moves AGAIN!
CHRIS: They feel the rotation of the earth.
BILL: The only real loser here….. is the fans.
Rude’s already busted open as he picks up Warrior and tosses him HARD into the cage.. Both already on their knees. Back on their feet they fight fist to fist… and Rude runs Warrior to the cage and scrapes him headfirst…
PIPER: Rude seems on top.
ERIC: That sounded bad.
CHRIS: What.. Warrior’s obviously a bottom.
ME: Stop that.. Queering don’t make the world go round!
HERNANDEZ: Jamie.. go get a ..t..wo by four….
Rude goes for the Rude Awakening….. but Warrior fights out of it……….. lifts up his hands! He spins around.. slowly and clotheslines Rude to the mat. Goes for the splash, but eats a couple of knees! Rude now picks Warrior up.
BILL: WARRIOR HITS THE CHICK KICK!
Rude hits the Rude Awakening! The Ravishing one climbs to the top of the cage. He hits the fist RIGHT onto Warrior! Remember.. in 1991, that was awesome! Rude climbs the cage again…
BILL: RUDE YOU FOOL!
Rude leaps! EATS A FIST TO THE GUT!
BILL: And BOOM goes the dynamite!
Warrior crawls for the door…. but Heenan is there to slam it RIGHT into his face. Rude now goes for the pin… because it was one of THOSE matches. Rude goes for the pin and gets two. Now Rude throws a fist – then throws Warrior to the ropes they go shoulder to shoulder and BOTH are down! Rude now crawls for the cage…. Heenan is trying to help him… Warrior is crawling him to help him! Rude is halfway between in and out…. and Warrior pulls Rude’s pants down….
PIPER: You gotta do whatcha gotta do!
ME: Please don’t do that anymore
So Warrior, having pulled in Rude. Warrior grabs Heenan! Big fist! Atomic Drop! Heenan falls out of the ring, and Warrior turns around to eat a BIG clothesline, but Warrior Roids up! Rude punches him to the back.. but nothing. Warrior hits the ropes… ducks a clothesline.. hits one of his own… two of his own… THREE and he begins to pressslam the air.
PIPER: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?
BILL: WHAATSSS GOING ON!?!?!!
CHRIS: So where does Rude gain his powers?
ME: Lust?
HERNANDEZ: TOwE—-RS!
So Warrior press slams Rude and then climbs out of the cage.
BILL: So why didn’t he just drop at the beginning?
CHRIS: The spirit of good competition?!
So Warrior wins it! Shocker!
WINNER: ULTIMATE WARRIOR!
VINCE: There’s a celebration goin on!
BILL: …….somewhere.
And now we have reached the pinnacle of the Warrior’s career. His retirement match against Macho King Randy Savage. Wrestlemania 7.
BILL: Is this the one where he self-destructs?
ME: He.. umm.. doesn’t physically self-destruct Bill
BILL: …I umm… I don’t get it. There’s just a point where this isn’t funny anymore.
ME: You are so lying… this is still hysterical
So it’s at this point in time that Hernandez takes a potty break, and we all need a respite from all of this fun. We pause the DVD and switch back over to Raw… JUST in time.
Ashley comes down… hey just like that she won the lech of the night award. IT’S JUST THAT GOD DAMNED SIMPLE! Now here comes Candace in a red little pleated outfit.. white stockings.. black boots.. OK NEVERMIND! Candace wins the lech of the night award… I ask now for screenshots of Candace from this show. Thank you Rabble. Thank you very much!
Here comes Maria! Cute but not as cute as Candace tonight. So it seems it’s a tag match between these four….
Maria starts in the ring with Ashley…. Maria hits a sideheadlock take over!
HERNANDEZ – “What was that?”
BILL – Does it matter?
HERNANDEZ – Yes she knew a move!
Ashley charges in and Maria rolls her up and tags in Candace. Candace asks for the tag to Trish… Candace rolls out and crowd surfs the troops.
ME: Watch for hands!
Candace rolls back into the ring and taunts. She lies on the second rope.. but gets shoved to the outside by Trish who lies down on the second rope to taunt her back. Back in the ring Candace rolls in and eats a Thesz press…. kinda botched.
HERNANDEZ: It’s my ONLY spot… LEARN MY SPOT!
Trish leaps and ends up throwing a hurricanrana on the ref by accident. The ref seemingly gets up right away from this…
ERIC: You can tap a ref with your foot.. dead. A hurricanrana.. fine.
Trish sends Candace to the corner… the chopfight starts.
HERNANDEZ: RUPTURE!
Trish now throws Candace into the hurricanrana… tags in Ashley and they do the tag elbow…
HERNANDEZ: Right across the womb.
Ashley throws Candace right into the corner.. Candace leaps over her and pulls her panties first into a roll up.
HERNANDEZ: That’s a handful of stuff…
BILL: Right up the crotch
HERNANDEZ: Happy ending!
WINNER: CANDACE & MARIA!
SOOOoooooo now that we have THAT out of the way.. back to the Warrior.. teehee. I love random timing. And yes, I want those photos. Please.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. RANDY SAVAGE w/ SHERRY
3/24/91
CHRIS: PLAAYYYYTIIMMMMEEEEE
HERNANDEZ: BOoooOOOnnnessAAAAaaawww….
Hey look! In the audience… it’s (the late) Miss Elizabeth…
ROOMMATE RANDY (entering): Hey.. isn’t she dead?
Now coming downaccompanied by Sistah Sherry… carried by jobbers… Macho King Randy Savage!
ME: You know.. I DO miss his entrance…
HERNANDEZ: I still don’t know what he is doing with his hands.
ME: The handjive.
RANDY: Awww the rhinestones in the hat….
Hey! Here comes the Warrior! Full airbrushed trenchcoat. He’s walking! Randy watches on as Warrior takes his time getting into the ring.
BILL: He took Ravishing’s pants and turned them into a coat.
Warrior enters and Savage bails.
RANDY: So do you think it was in his contract that he enters the ring.. everyone else leaves.
ME: Between Savage’s arms and Warrior’s jacket… there are so many streamers in that ring.
BILL: It’s a parade.
CHRIS: The gay pride parade.
ME: That’s right.. queerin’ don’t work.
BILL: He makes those streamers by pulling apart koosh balls.
The bell rings. Savage hits the corner. The boos are immense. Warrior does it. The cheers are amazing. The camera pans to Elizabeth… the Rabble shuts up.
They lock up and Warrior shoves down Savage. Savage charges in and throws some fists on Warrior, clubs him in the back… sideheadlock and charges only to get dropped by Warrior. Savage runs around the ring.. charges in behind Warrior and double axe to the back. Warrior feels NOTHING!!!! Picks Savage up by the neck and tosses him.
HERNANDEZ: The birth of Warrior Creations.
RANDY: These are like the sixth and seventh members of the village people.
Warrior hits a belly to back… a choke… and an atomic drop. In charges Sherry as Warrior goes for the double arm choke, and as Warrior drops him… she gets tossed out. Warrior hits Savage and he gets tied up into the ropes. Warrior throws Savage into the ropes, right after the ref clears him from the ropes. BIG chop to Savage’s gut. He sends Savage to the ropes again, and this time Randy kicks Warrior in the face.
Savage charges in and clotheslines Warrior to the mat. He climbs up to the top… and Warrior gets up, leaps RIGHT onto Warrior and is CAUGHT! He puts down Savage… and SLAPS him in the face.
ME: Oh No You Dinnn’t!
Savage bails out of the ring, and now Sherry’s on the turnbuckle. Savage paces around.
RANDY: Is this before chairs?
Savage grabs a chair.
ME: No.
He throws it in and out of the ring.. Warrior turns around and Savage charges in.
BILL: DEVIOUS!
Warrior though is ready for it and begins the beatdown on Savage.
RANDY: YOu know for all the shit they say.. Warrior was a pretty good wrestler.
THE RABBLE: (uncomfortable silence)
ALL OF US BREAKING OUT INTO LAUGHTER
Warrior picks up and clotheslines Savage RIGHT back down. Tosses Randy to the corner… charges shoulder first and flies RIGHT over the top turnbuckle. Outside Sherry with a big fist to Warrior.
ME: o/“ Cat Scratch Fever o/“
Savage leaps up to the top turnbuckle and drops a double axe onto Warrior. Sherry then goes and slaps the hell out of Warrior, except this time Warrior pushes her down.. but Savage shoves him down in response. Finally throwing him into the metal pole and rolling back in while Sherry kicks Warrior so hard her shoe comes off.
RANDY: It’s bad when the girl’s shoes aren’t as good as the Warrior’s… he’s wearing moon boots.
Savage pulls Warrior back in the ring and a bodyslam. Savage goes to pick him up but Warrior gets a backslide for two! Both back to their feet… and Savage bails. He comes back in and a boot to Warrior’s gut.. he catches it.. spins Savage and clothesline. Warrior hits the ropes.. once.. twice..
HERNANDEZ: FOUR
BILL: FIVE
Anddddd a MISS as Savage moves out of the way just in time and puts Warrior right into a sitdown sleeper. Warrior begins to roid up! But Savage hits a double clothesline!!! Sherry gets to the ropes and distracts the ref as Warrior goes and rolls Savage up for the pin….. but Savage rolls it over and it’s totally missed!
Back on their feet! Savage sends Warrior RIGHT into the ref… he’s out! Savage grabs Warrior and Sherry climbs to the top rope… spike heel RIGHT into Warrior’s head. Sherry gets chased outside by Warrior.
BILL: Karma… he rapes her.
Warrior finally gets her right in the ring…. Savage though pulls him down and rolls him up for a CLOSE two count. Savage then throws Warrior right into the corner. Then slams him neck first RIGHT onto the top rope. Savage now has Warrior … charges .. leaps off the top rope and stuns Warrior right off the top rope again. Savage slams him down. BIG ELBOW DROP FROM SAVAGE… Is it time for the huge spot!??! YES IT IS
TWO ELBOW DROPS!
THREE ELBOW DROPS!
ME: Three … Three Elbow Drops Ah Ah Ah
BILL: Seven Prostitutes
CHRIS: I should not pin.. I should destroy
FOUR ELBOW DROPS!
FIIIIIIIIIIVE! FIVE ELBOW DROPS! And Savage still throws that thing better than any before him. He goes for the pin….. and NO! TWO COUNT ONLY! Savage goes NUTS!
BILL: He’s got them Krispy Kreme eyes.
Warrior begins to shiver. He begins to shake.
BILL: His eyes are falling out.
CHRIS: Never let him get near the ropes.. his power comes from the ropes.
Warrior begins to do the war dance. Big fists to Savage.. One.. Two.. Three.. Clothesline… Two Clotheslines… Warrior goes for the big press to the sky…. AND SAVAGE GETS DROPPED! BIG SPLASH! ONE…. TWO….. NO!
Warrior looks up!
HERNANDEZ: WHHYYYY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!
He looks at his hands.
ME: Why do my hands keep talking to me.
HERNANDEZ: It’s so weird when I pee.
He talks to each one individually.
ME: I shall call YOU Righty?
HERNANDEZ: What have I been doign all these years?
ME: I want to be a tax accountant?
CHRIS: Is he talking to his totem?
HERNANDEZ: …Streamers!?!? Air brushed tights… WHy!?!??!
Chris: Oooo great bear!
So as Warrior gets halfway to leaving. Savage charges him and elbows him to the outside. He locks Warrior right on the guardrail. Goes to the top turnbuckle… LEAPS… WARRIOR HITS HIM IN THE GUT.
BILL: Talk to your hands some more.. seemed to be working as a strategy
HERNANDEZ: Try your feet this time.
Warrior sends Savage back in. He charges… hits the ropes.. BIG SHOULDERCHECK sends Savage out. Warrior throws him RIGHT back in.
MONSOON: It’s not my destiny time.
ME: Orton Destiny Time
BILL: Destiny Warrior Champ
Flying shoulderblock sends Savage out… AGAIN!
BILL: o/“ It’s so nice.. wanna see the same bump twice o/“
Another shot of Elizabeth while Warrior does the same spot.. again.
BILL: You think she got paid to sit there?
CHRIS: Yeah.. in alcohol and Xanex.
So he drags in Warrior and does the standing pin. One. Two. Three! He did it!
WINNER: ULTIMATE WARRIOR!
Warrior preens as Sherry tries to wake up Savage. No Elizabeth action… we fade RIGHT on out. So… what did the Rabble think?
BILL: It was a riot of colour. Action packed from begining to end. A tour de force.
ME: Is that all?
BILL: (laughing) Yeah….. I’m done.
CHRIS: I laughed.. I cried… I deficated.
BILL: I shat myself. The Ultimate Warrior made me incontinant
HERNANDEZ: After this inspirational night. I’m going to start a letter campaign to restart Warrior University. Please send all requests to jhatton@comicsnexus.com
JEN: (who slept the last hour) That was really a productive time for me.
ERIC: It’s unfortunate that the streamers didn’t cut off the circulation to his brain.
HERNANDEZ: You mean.. didn’t cause clotting.
BILL: He put them on his neck once.
ME: But that was solely for masterbatory purposes.
CHRIS: Michael Hutchins watched on proudly.
DANI: (Who came in at the last second) umm… get a new catchphrase!
So this is me, James Hatton, and the entire Rabble wishing everyone a happy and safe holiday. Just so you all know, you need to do one thing between this and our next Rabble…
From all of us.. to all of you….
