Contradicting Popular Opinion
A.K.A.
An Enquiry Concerning… Filler Column!
INTRO
It’s bloody Christmas week. I’m in the middle of preparing for a 1,000 mile road trip with a 2 year old.
You damn right you are getting a filler column!
Anyways, this thing might be a first for the column, but not a first for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you:
Movie Review Haiku
For the top ten grossing movies released in 2005
Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith
Well, I think it sucked
Less than Attack of the Clones
That is something, right?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Best Potter film yet
The most British one also
Bad Fan-fic it spawns
War of the Worlds
I liked it better
When Hyde ate the “afterbirth”
Spielberg can eat me
Wedding Crashers
What the f*cking hell?
I thought no one would see this
Sometimes, I’m ‘tarded!
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Creepy Johnny Depp
Creepy Tim Burton Movie
Are those redundant?
Batman Begins
Boring, insipid
Fanboys liked it quite a lot
They liked Daredevil
Madagascar
I haven’t seen it.
My daughter has a shirt, though
Chris Rock’s a zebra
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Jolie and Brad Pitt
The world’s prettiest people
They blow shit up good!
Hitch
Comedy romance
The King of Queens and Will Smith
There should be robots.
The Longest Yard
Not surprised to see
Adam Sandler out-acted
Even by wrestlers
That was fun. Anywho, I’m seeing Munich in a couple of hours so here you go:
Munich Instant Thoughts
Wait, wait, gotta change that title.
Fucking shit. I blame you Spielberg!
Fuck you Spielberg, you Tom Cruise employing piece of shit! Fuck you. When was the last time you had something interesting to say? Fucking Jaws?
Your movies are 2 hours of people staring wide-eyed at big stuff.
Anyways, I got a free pass to screen Munich. Cool right? Well no, as it turns out.
You see, my babysitter got stuck in traffic. So, she was late. Since I only showed up 1/2 an hour early, I didn’t get in to see the film. Neither did a bunch of other people.
As is the policy of these folks, they tend to give out more passes than there are theater seats.
Way more.
In this case they looked to have just about double booked every seat.
The woman in charge was uber-cunty about the whole thing too. She kept on yelling for every one to stand in a single file line, despite a lack of ANY more seats.
When they admitted that the theater was full, people were rightly pissed. Thankfully the people in charge alleviated the situation by swearing at us.
They did offer us free passes to try this all again with New World or whatever. Yeah, I want to repeat this nonsense.
Fuck that shit.
What makes this all worse is that WITH VALIDATION for parking it costs me 10 bucks to not see this “free” movie. Since it was a shwanky, shwanky theater it would have cost me another ten bucks to see something else. And another ten bucks if I wanted to take the wife too.
Thankfully, I get my babysitting for free.
Man, I hate you Spielberg. You owe me ten dollars for parking! And 4 dollars for that time I saw AI! And 20 buck for that time I took a girl to see Jurassic Park 2! Why does Jeff Goldblum have a black daughter?! Goddamnit!
So, f*ck you Spielberg. And a big Fuck you to Chicago’s River East AMC.
