Brain Spill: The Key to Victory

Archive

I have a lot of keys. Keys to my car, each of my parent’s cars, keys to get into my apartment building, into my apartment, into my bedroom, into my mailbox, into my parents’ house. The list goes on. There’s just a crap load of keys; keys are needed to get anywhere.

If your key ring is anything like mine, every lock you need to open requires you to fumble through dozens of possibilities. This can be extremely problematic, especially if it’s dark, or you’re in a hurry, or frustrated, or whatever. So you get frantic, trying each key, and no key seems to work, and then panic sets in, and everything.

But sometimes, the best thing to do is the easiest. If you’re smart and level-headed, you’d know that the very first thing you should do is see if the door knob is locked. Skip all the BS and hassle, and open the door because it’s unlocked. And then all of a sudden, holy crap, you’re inside!

So where am I going with this? As you all know, this is a column dedicated to the reality TV show Survivor, so of course I have to tie in the past three paragraphs to Survivor.

When you’ve lost your keys a long time ago, and every other contestant is wondering what the hell to do in the game of Survivor (ie, frantically fumbling through those keys), the best strategy can be just to keep a level head, turn the damn doorknob and walk right into victory.

And then from there, you get two new keys: one to your new Pontiac Torrent, and another to your bank safe deposit box full of one million dollars.

And that’s essentially happened a couple weeks ago on the finale of Survivor Guatemala: Danni Boatwright kept her cool.

There ya go. That’s pretty much it.

I’m going to talk a little bit more about this, so before you stop reading because you’re pissed off at me for the last statement, let me explain it further. Later in the column.

Survivor finales always make me giddy. No matter what season – great, horrible, or mediocre – the finales always serve as a good way to raise the old BP. There’s just so many possibilities, such that after the two hour fest, one can’t help but sit around thinking ‘holy crap that was awesome!’ catching your breath and smoking a cigarette. Guatemala’s finale was no different. It offered everything that we as fans have come to expect/enjoy about Survivor finales.

Of course we have to go through this piece by piece. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am always a fan of the rituals/stories of the natives. It’s always good to show what the local peoples have to offer, as well as vicariously experience the location through the Survivors.

Maybe I’m superstitious or just plain old have respect, but I always try not to dump on other cultures. It’s just not cool to disrespect, and plus you never know what repercussions might occur. I’m talking about the sacrificial chicken. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at a single Survivor moment as I did for that (correction, Shii Ann’s tribal council in All Stars). It was just so … ballsy, that one couldn’t help but laugh out loud. And of course, there’s always the good guy. Rafe had struggled with conscience the whole season (later topic), and this was just another conflict of morals. I remember sitting there on my couch watching, and I said aloud “he’s gonna win just because he didn’t eat the chicken.” And the fact that he was guaranteed Final Three certainly didn’t help that hunch.

And then there’s Jeff. Jeff has become more of a sarcastic asshole lately, and who can’t help but love it? Instead of tiptoeing or accepting BS, Jeff now calls out people for their actions and states the obvious. He is increasingly becoming more of an obstacle for contestants. Lately, if you lie to Jeff, he will personally make sure you pay for it. Look at the past five seasons: the more “honest” person in the final two has won, and in the case of Vanuatu, Jeff made sure to let everyone know that Chris lied enough to possibly cost him the money (“how are Chris’s lies any different than Twila’s?”). That might be something for future Survivors to keep in the back of their heads.

Anyway, about Jeff. His reaction on the chickens at Tribal Council was classic. He is getting better at arguing with contestants. And his increasing involvement with the show could be a reason why Survivor maintains freshness after all this time. Earlier this season, when Bobby Jon defended himself against Jamie (or was it Judd against Margaret?), Judd/Jamie (the child) kept going on and on, such that all Jeff could do was shake his head in disapproval. Keep it up Jeff.

And so, yeah, about the results of that Tribal Council. Lydia left without any significant discussion from Rafe or Steph. Danni had prevailed, and was one win away from the million. She had overcome the biggest hurdle at that tribal council, and all she had to do was not majorly screw up.

I am contractually obligated to talk about Lydia’s boot. As I’ve said before, anyone who makes Final Four is a good player. You can make the jury by luck, but not the final four. Although Lydia did not have mush to offer in regard to strategy, challenges, or being a memorable character, she got there. While powerhouses Brandon, Bobby Jon, Jamie, Gary, Judd, and even Cindy, were being themselves, so was Lydia. The only difference is that Lydia shut up and let the others seal their own fate. And that right there – keeping one’s mouth shut – is all it takes in some instances. She did it well. And she did put up a decent fight against Danni. She laid low, and waited to play her cards. And in the end, it just wasn’t enough. But props to Lydia.

So then there were three. The final immunity challenge was a typical endurance competition. Don’t fall off is the only rule. I do have somewhat of a problem with this final IC. Anyone can hold onto ropes for balance. So the ‘endurance’ part came when everyone simultaneously figured out that they had to lean against the side, and THAT was going to determine who can hold on the longest. But whatever. I guess I just prefer the whole ‘hold this one position longest’ challenge a la Vanuatu (bow and arrow), Pearl Islands (the floating platform), and Thailand (the lotus position). Call me a traditionalist.

And the challenge came down to leaning against a post. Rafe pulled a Jenna Lewis and accidentally touched what he wasn’t allowed to. That cost him the challenge. From then on, it was out of his hands. It was down to Stephenie versus Danni. A little while later, Steph was struggling, and Danni was just chillin on the post, such that Danni only had to wait it out. Steph fell, Danni wins immunity, is in the final two, and in a great position.

But then, poor old Rafe with that damn soul of his. He went OUT OF HIS WAY to inform Danni that it was okay to break the deal. It’s moves like that that can’t help but leave a sour taste in fans’ mouths. Here he is, in the final three – clearly a good player – and he essentially quits. And I can’t not think that all this Rafe hype was in vain, because good players just don’t do that. You keep your mouth shut, and hope for the best. Or play a more subtle card when you get back to camp. But don’t be so blatant about it.

I think deep down his strategy was to show he was a nice guy, such that Danni would have a difficult time voting him out. Very risky. But. I originally thought it would work. Going into TC, I thought that Danni was going to bring Rafe because of a friendship. I was delighted/very surprised to see RAFE written on the card. And Rafe becomes the last person to be voted out of Guatemala.

Ode to Rafe. Rafe was a great player. It always helps to be a good player and have a conscience – at least from an audience member’s point of view. The textbook case is Tina Wesson and Ethan Zohn. These are two good players, who were just plain old good people. Such is the case with Rafe. Rafe knew all about this game. He shut up when he had to, talked when he had to, defended himself, laid low, and shone, all at varying points of the game. He knew what to do and when to do it. And let’s not forget that this skinny guy won FOUR individual immunities. I’ll make my final point about Rafe in the next paragraph.

So the final two is Danni and Stephenie. Two women. Then I’m flashing back to my early columns (pretty much any column while there were two tribes), and I distinctly recall repeated comparisons between these two female powerhouses. I should have seen this one coming from a mile away. To conclude my Rafe comments, Rafe was the last man standing next to the two toughest women Survivor has ever seen. Rafe, you rule.

That right folks, I just came out and said it. Stephenie LaGrossa and Danni Boatwright are the two toughest women Survivor has ever seen. That doesn’t mean the BEST two women in the game (those honors go to former Outback tribemates Amber Brkich-Mariano and Tina Wesson), it means the two physically toughest. These two broads brought everything they had into the challenges, making sure that everyone knew not to mess with them. And no one did.

Not much else to say. Final Tribal Councils as of late have been a bunch of bitter people. Survivor fame is fleeting, and these people want their last time as center of attention to be somewhat memorable. So instead of using this opportunity to gather info to make a decision on who is the best, they go in there knowing who they’re voting for, and use the time as a chance to take out a vendetta against one or both of the final two. Grow up kids. And lighten up too. You wanna know who’s had the best (ie, funniest, and nothing bad against the contestants) final TC speeches? Scout Cloud Lee (Vanuatu) and Rudy Boesch. Scout called everything out, but was laughing about it (Chris was up to his ears in BS), and Rudy was just pissed off at himself for taking his hand off the pole. Tom Buchanan’s Africa speech was great, but Ethan and Kim totally interpreted it seriously, so the joke was ruined.

So the take home message for jurors is don’t be sour grapes: you lost because of something you did. And it’s not court; have a little fun with it. God, why do so many people suck?

But in all honesty, who doesn’t love a GOOD (ie, merited) argument. Eliza had reasons to be pissed at Twila and Chris; Chris screwed her and Twila was a bitch. However, Judd was pissed at Danni, a) because as I’ve said before, he is a douchebag, and b) because she was a better player than him. Judd was not a merited argument. Just loser-y bitterness.

So we all know how it ends. In the end, Rafe voted for his friend Steph. Bobby Jon and Gary voted for teammate/ally Danni. Judd was Judd. Jamie just converted back to his old self and either voted with the crowd or because he decided he was pissed at Steph. And once again, who knows about Cindy or Lydia? A more appropriate question would be to say ‘who cares about Cindy or Lydia?’

Exactly.

So Danni won 6-1 over Steph. But I can’t help but feel ho-hum about it. Yeah she did play a good game, but I get a feeling that she won by default. The jury did not want Steph as Sole Survivor, and whoever was next to her was going to become a millionaire.

Now before you throw sharp objects at me, let me explain myself. I am in no way discrediting Danni for her gameplay. I am merely a disappointed fan. I know before the Thanksgiving episode, I said Danni was my favorite and I was going to stick to that. Well, I’m now confessing that over the course of time, I “figured out” that Steph won, and I was rooting for her. I did this so much that she became my favorite. Sorry people.

I’m also ho-hum about the outcome because Steph did so much more than anyone to get to the final two, and she still came up short. It ALMOST seems unfair. But I’ve said this before: there is no ‘unfair’ in Survivor. Ever.

But. It’s not quantity, but quality, that wins Survivor. While Steph was frantically running around making sure she micro-managed everything, Danni kept cool. She kept her head up when she was outnumbered 5-1. She gave up food and family for an advantage in an immunity challenge, and the game played out such that she was in a good position. She took that to the end, won immunity, and brought a good bait to the final two with her. And that is why Danni won. She did what she had to do to win the money, and when she had to do it. It didn’t hurt her that she was so likeable, either. Plus she’s super hot, which is always a plus.

Danni pulled off a seemingly simple strategy flawlessly: keep your head in the game. Don’t overdo it, and don’t panic. Fiendishly simple? I think not. And she has the cash to prove she’s the best. That’s the key to victory.

My preview to the finale column said that there’s stories going on. This season’s story, when boiled down, really is about Stephenie versus Danni. During the tribal portion of the game, Danni was the better competitor. Toward the end of this, however, no matter how good she did, it was not enough, and Steph took control. The entire Xhakum part of this season was about how Stephenie was the woman to beat out in the jungle. And in the end, it came down to these two tough broads. It was this last-minute effort that launched Danni back on top, and the season concluded this way. I had previously called Danni ‘better than the best woman ever.’ I have to give extreme congrats to both Danni and Steph. Steph worked her way up, and had a huge target on her back. She had come a long way to get where she did. And to Danni, she is better than “the best woman ever” (according to Jeff Probst).

But not by a lot. Both women should be extremely proud with the outcome.

All in all, a very good season. In eleven seasons, it’s so refreshing to see Survivor constantly redeem itself.

To conclude, I’m referring to my October 18th column, entitled “Women on the Top,” in which Stephenie was ranked #2, and Danni was #1. In that column, I said (copied and pasted): “In a perfect world, the bets players would be women, and one woman would be in control of each tribe. Oh my gosh, that’s the case!”

Maybe the world is perfect.

And that’s it for me. I’ll try to be back with some columns to piss you off in between Survivor seasons. I’m hoping to come up with some topics, and defend my point of view. What I’d like to do is have a one-sentence statement, and spend the entire column proving/disproving that (for example: “Richard Hatch is the best Survivor ever,” to which I would provide evidence to support my acceptance/rejection of such claim). So for those of you in e-world, come up with some one-liners, email them to me, and test my Survivor debate skills. The more controversial, the better.

I’m excited for Survivor Panama (for the third time). Sixteen new contestants. Does it mean four tribes of four, or will they bring back some old-timers to make it 18, or who the hell knows? Oh, the possibilities!

Feel free to email me with your thoughts anytime. I’m off from school, so I will respond to each email.

So until next time, when we discuss the benefits of getting a flu shot, stay cool.

~Dora