The Weekly Music Pulse – Stuff I Think and Shouldn't Say: 33

Ah, the Holiday Season is upon us. It’s a time to sit down with the ones that you hold dearest, knock back a few glasses of tasty eggnog and open gifts that everyone will, inevitably, return to various retail outlets in the upcoming weeks.

There is, however, one thing you can count on every holiday season…a fantastic Stuff I Think and Shouldn’t Say! Yes, the shoulder problems got me down. I won’t lie to you, my dear reader. In fact, one might say that my spirit was crushed up until the point I returned to work. When I contracted pneumonia shortly thereafter, I was devastated. Then I broke my tooth off, and the car broke down on the way home from visiting the dentist. It’s been nice, right?

How can a guy make his rent when he’s been out of work for 10 out of the past 13 weeks, let alone buy Christmas gifts that he can guarantee WON’T need to be returned? Well, I bought a lot o’ crap for Ssquared’s Clan, as the folks at the O.G refer to my blood relatives, but that isn’t the thing that drives the holiday spirit.

In my family, we have a tradition. Every Christmas Eve, the entire family gathers at a predetermined member’s house, to exchange gifts and pretend we like each other. It’s a blast, I swear. First, I leave to go buy beer, and then I attempt to ingest it as quickly as possible. Then, when my relatives begin to think that I am fully inebriated, I begin to put ideas in the young cousins heads.

For example: last night, I told my youngest cousin, who is starting puberty, that every time he “does that thing that he does in his room/bathroom/garage/basement” that Jesus kills a kitten. When he asked why Jesus would do that, I told him that he should ask his father…and then I ran out of the room.

I also told the entire family about the ancient tradition of “kancho,” a Japanese “game” in which the children in Japan jam their fingers into the anuses of their elders when they aren’t looking. The only “rule” is that they MUST yell out the word “kancho” while they attempt to penetrate said orifice. Yeah, it is kind of funny when a young child tries to commit such an act on someone, but with adults, well, the results can be creepy. Please, as fun as this MIGHT sound to some of you, don’t do this in public, unless you know the person very well, or know that you are MUCH faster than them. You CAN be arrested.

(Remember as a child, that whole “this is the church, this is the steeple” hand gesture? Position your hand like that and aim for the deepest recesses of your intended victim’s intestines. Need more guidelines? Head here.)

The fact that the adults are 1) fully clothed and 2) fully capable of killing these same children makes the whole experience quite funny. After convincing the children that sticking their fingers into their parents’ bums is a great idea, AND a few practice rounds, we decided to play another Ssquared favorite:

PEE PEE TAG.

The origins of said game came from the locker room in my freshman year of college. The goal was to backhand/slap/punch another grown man in the genitals as hard as humanly possible.

That’s it.

Good times. Honestly, though, I think I popped my future brother-in-law’s testicle. He should have known not to play a game like that with me. Christmas makes me CRAZY. Someone should have warned him.


KANCHO!!!

Howie Doesn’t Have a Nice Day!

Singer/songwriter/overall douche bag Howie Day was arrested December 22nd at Boston’s Logan Airport for rowdy behavior on a Boston-bound flight after he became intoxicated from a mix of sleeping pills and alcohol. I keep holding my breath that he was actually TRYING to die, but let me explain this story further.

Witnesses told the Boston Herald that Day and his entourage got drunk and were harassing flight attendants and other passengers. The flight crew alerted State Police, who were waiting at the gate when the American Airlines flight arrived at Logan.

Oh, and just to remind you all what a scumbag Howie Day is, in March 2004, he was arrested in Madison, Wisconsin for allegedly locking a woman in the bathroom of his tour bus after she refused his sexual advances. He then broke the cell phone of another woman who tried to call police, according to that criminal complaint.

(credit: Billboard.com)

I slapped this asshole’s face in college. He was a cover musician who came to Teikyo Post University while I was an undergrad. At the time, he was known for his impressions of Dave Matthews, which were, in fact, pretty damn good. When the then 19-year-old, crater-faced Howie Day asked to be served a beer and was turned down by the student dispensing the drinks, he proceeded to curse her out. When she politely explained that “she could get thrown out of school for dispensing beer at a university sanctioned event to a known minor, he reminded her that he was, in fact, “a f*cking star.” He then took a swing at one of my male friends, and, at this point, I slapped him across the face like the bitch he is. Yup, I slapped a musician. Like a bitch.

True story. He cried.

Howie Day is a scumbag. Next time a friend hears Howie for the first time and brings him up to you, tell them my story.

He’s a piece of shit.

Interrupting for Some Plugs

First Impressions of Earth – Strokes

29

KDP talks Pacing.

Win the Producers Soundtrack!

Gloomchen calls it a year.

She’s Really Preggers…Underneath It All!!

Gwen Stefani is reported to have told the audience at the final stop of the Harajuku Lovers U.S. Tour that she wanted the audience to “sing so loud that the baby hears it.” Us Weekly, who are known to be a reputable news magazine much unlike the Star, Globe, Ok Magazine, and People that you can find at any grocery store in America, claimed that Stefani postponed production of her second solo album earlier this week because husband Gavin Rossdale “put a baby in her.”

This will be the couple’s first child together, although Rossdale recently found out that he has a 16-year-old child from a previous relationship a few months ago. He’s classy, that one. Oh, and he evidently doesn’t wear a condom. That or he has “super sperm,” a trait that only Irish Catholic men can boast.

InsidePulse.com, Ssquared, Matthew Michaels, Dan Hevia, Jesus, Jalen Cameron and Gloomchen wish the Rosstefanis the best of luck in raising a baby together. This should be interesting, eh?

I have even money that says this kid isn’t allowed to watch the Wiggles. Instead, he/she/it will be subjected to buttloads of imported Japanese cartoons and Shonen Knife albums. He/She/It Rosstefani will be good looking, and will have a bizarre accent. When this child shits, it will be worth money, unlike a regular person’s fecal matter.

(credit: Spin.com)


Courtney May Hawk Nirvana Catalogue

The holidays have been less than happy for Courtney Love. Earlier this month SPIN.com reported that Courtney Love may lose her Olympia, Washington residence because of an unpaid mortgage. Now the Hole frontwoman is selling her most prized possession: The rights to the Nirvana catalogue. The New York Post reports that Courtney is asking for a starting price of $100 million for rights to the entire songbook. It’s been a rough year for Courtney — what, with exposing herself at a NYC area Wendy’s, slurring her speech at Pamela Anderson’s roast, and boomerang trips to rehab. Hopefully 2006 will bring fewer trips to the Los Angeles courtroom and more trips down the red carpet for the never-boring Love.

(credit: Spin.com)

If I could raise the money to purchase the catalog, I would. The only reason I would do such a thing would be to ensure that Courtney Love had no excuse to ever leave her house again. The sooner the better. Everyone, send me a dollar!

= = =

Let’s see, there should be one more bit of washed-up musician new…oh, here we go:


Jacko May Lose Ownership of Beatles’ Catalogue

Michael Jackson’s 1985 purchase of a 50% stake in the Beatles’ song list — the sale of which caused a major and still open rift between Jackson and former ally Paul McCartney — may be up for grabs if Jackson cannot muster up the funds to meet a loan repayment. The beleaguered Jacko owes $200 million to hold onto the publishing rights, according to the BBC. If Jackson defaults on the payment, his catalogue assets will be seized by NYC equity fund Fortress Investment Group. In addition to Jackson’s massive Beatles’ holdings, he also owns the rights to songs by Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, and Stevie Nicks. Jackson has been in the red since he spent massive amounts of money to acquit himself of child molestation charges. The loans were supposed to have been repaid by yesterday, Dec. 20, but Jackson’s lawyer told the BBC, “There is no doomsday, or anything like that…At the moment, people are still talking.”

(credit: Spin.com)

Hmmm…I wonder if Michael Jackson spent 200 million DOLLARS on plastic surgery? Is that possible? Check that man’s financial records…STAT!

vs.

The good thing is that even though he double-crossed Paul McCartney to purchase the Beatles catalog, it appears as though God is making his face melt…slowly. And very WHITELY as well.

VITILIGO MY ASS!!!

The QUICKY-FAST News!


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Radiohead Ready to Roll

Radiohead are planning a small-scale tour of the U.K. for the spring and then a U.S. tour for the summer. The band has been in the studio working on the follow-up to 2003’s Hail to the Thief — without longtime producer Nigel Godrich — and will use the live shows to debut new material. Here I am, STILL trying to mention this EVERY week, in hopes that “someone at Capitol Records” will get me an advance copy…again.

Cash Returns to Folsom

Walk the Line, which begins and ends with Johnny Cash’s memorable performance at California’s Folsom Prison, will be screened for inmates at the penitentiary on January 3rd. Joaquin Phoenix, who received a Golden Globe nomination last week for his portrayal of the late singer in the film, will be in attendance. He is being held on charges of concealing a CLEFT LIP! Ha!

Chesney, Zellweger Null and Void

Country star Kenny Chesney and actress Renee Zellweger are officially single again. The couple, who met in January, wed in May and announced their separation in September, were granted a judgment of nullity on December 20th in Los Angeles. Chesney released the chart-topping The Road and the Radio in November. Also, he’s gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

Pogues Play U.S.

Veteran Irish rockers the Pogues will play a string of dates in the U.S. beginning with two shows in Washington, DC, on March 9th and 10th, with dates running through March 19th in New York. The recently reunited band — which again includes founding frontman Shane McGowan — released the two-disc set, The Ultimate Collection, featuring their live performance at the Brixton Academy in 2001, along with tracks spanning the Pogues’ career. Nice.

Digweed DJs Get Documented

DJs Sasha and John Digweed will release the documentary DVD Sasha & John Digweed Present Delta Heavy, based on their 2002 Delta Heavy tour, on February 7th. The film features an hour of performance footage from the artists plus opening DJ Jimmy Van M, as well as interviews and photos. Several young children mistakenly received early screener copies of this DVD.

They had seizures and died…but they sure were smily!

Pink Preps for New Album

Pink and director Dave Meyers shot videos for two songs — “You and Your Hand” (which leaked online this past summer) and “Stupid Girl” — from her upcoming album I’m Not Dead. One of the two will serve as the first single and is expected to hit radio in January. The album is due in spring, which is unfortunate.

Ssquared’s Bi-Weekly Weirdness

Ah yes, my gift to you folks. I have thought long and hard about this one, but I decided that for the majority of my fans, the best thing we can do is laugh at EMO KIDS!

They think I’m gay just because they saw me kiss a guy…well, a couple of guys. It’s the 2000s, can’t two, or FOUR, dudes make out with each other without being gay? Chicks dig that kind of thing anyway.

FINAL PLUGS:

DP Wieland

…and the man that loves me JUST as much as my Momma:

AARON CAMERON!

Two weeks until the next SITASS, I think.! Until then, keep it real!

Ssquared

An Inside Pulse "original", SMS is one of the founding members of Inside Pulse and serves as the Chief Marketing Officer on the Executive Board. Smith is a fan of mixed martial arts and runs two sections of IP as Editor in Chief, RadioExile.com and InsideFights.com. Having covered music festivals around the world as well as conducting interviews with top-class professional wrestlers and musicians, he switched gears from music coverage at Radio Exile to MMA after the first The Ultimate Fighter Finale. He resides with his wife in New York City.