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FUN IN THE PSYCH WARD

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but my girlfriend works in a psychiatric hospital, or more colloquially, a crazy house. 4 times a week she wakes up at 5:30 in the morning and spends her day helping manage the day to day care of psych patients.

While the job has its depressing aspects, it does provide a lot of good stories. This week, she had the following conversation with a Latino patient, who we will call Rodrigo. Rodrigo is bipolar and psychotic, and as we will see below, very delusional.

My Girlfriend-
“Here is your medicine.”

Rodrigo-
“I have to keel my wife. I have to be a widow so I can be the Pope.”

My Girlfriend-
“Ummm..I think they already found someone for that job.”

Rodrigo-
“Oh. Well..I could do eet beeeter.”

It’s not easy to become the Pope. It’s even harder if you are locked up in a mental institution. Maybe someday.

NFL PLAYOFF PICTURE
We’ve got only ONE week left to go in the NFL regular season. Week 17 is always a weird week. You have some games that have all the intensity and predictability of preseason games, which is to say no intensity and no predictability. Then, you have some games that are playoff games in everything but name. You’ve also got games where one team is fighting for a playoff spot or playoff position, and the other team is fighting for a good tee time on Tuesday morning.

So what does our playoff picture look like headed into this funny little week? Let’s take a look.

NFC
1. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (13-2); CLINCHED #1 Seed in NFC, 10-1 v. NFC
WON v. Indianapolis 28-13

The Hawks wrapped up home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs by beating the Colts’ C Team at home. Do you know who has gone to Seattle and won this year? Nobody. Noooooobody. They are 8-0 at home.

If the chips fall according to the way the teams are seeded, the Seahawks will be facing the Bears in the NFC Championship game. The Bears are only 4-3 on the road this year, and 1-2 on the road against teams with winning records. They’ve got a clearer shot at the Super Bowl than anyone, and that includes the Colts at this point.

KEY STATS
– 139 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns for the soon to be NFL MVP, Shaun Alexander.
– Alexander tied Priest Holmes’ NFL record by scoring his 27th TD of the season. He will be leaving the team this week to attend his aunt’s funeral, but he does hope to play v. Green Bay on Sunday and get a TD to break the record.

– Matt Hasselbeck completed 17 of 21 pass attempts. He spread the ball around evenly. No Seahawk receiver had over 40 yards receiving.

– It was a win, and they got their home field advantage, but this was far from being a well played game by the Hawks. They were 1 of 7 on third down conversions, and gave up over 7 yards a pass play against an offense that was quarterbacked by Jim Sorgi most of the game.

– Teams have been keeping more blockers in against the Seahawks’ pass rush. They have been getting less pressure on the quarterback, and giving up more completions. The team that first figured out this weakness is the Giants, who threw for 344 yards against Seattle and were a terrible kicking day away from beating them on the road.

NICK PICKED
SEAHAWKS 23, COLTS 21


Heyyy…Alllright…You Sacked Jim Sorgi…Okayyy…

2. CHICAGO BEARS (11-4); CLINCHED #2 Seed in NFC, 10-1 v. NFC
WON at Green Bay 24-17

You know what, I’ve been rough on the Bears this year.

I am a Bears fan. Hell, I used to be a Bears employee, back when they were good every year. I don’t even do the standard Bear fan thing of bashing the McCaskey family, because the late patriarch of that family, Ed McCaskey, was a hell of a nice man and even though he owned the team he would take time to say hello to the kid mopping the floor in the front foyer of Halas Hall, and ask him if he enjoyed his job. That kid was me, and I did.

But, you see, there are 2 types of Bear fans.

One type is the Bear fan who is also a Cub fan. These are the “Superfan” types who are eternally seeing the Old Style mug as half full. They think the team is the greatest thing since Giordano’s Pizza even when Steve Stenstrom is quarterbacking them to a 4-12 season. This is not me.

I am the second type of Bear fan, the Bear fan who is also a White Sox fan. As White Sox fans, we embrace the dark side of the Force. We are cynical, joyless, and evil. When our eye turns to football, our team could go 16-0 and we’d still complain that the quarterback isn’t good enough, or the defense doesn’t hit the way the 85 Bears did, or they are only good because the NFC Central (nobody calls it the “North”, just change it already Tagliabue) sucks. So because of this, I have not been a big believer in this team.

Really, I still am not.

But I do have to give credit where credit is due. This team lost their starting quarterback in preseason, threw a rookie drafted in the 4th round out there, got off to a 1-3 start, but somehow has managed to win 11 games and not only make the playoffs but get a first round bye.

They’ve shown a lot of character this year, and a lot of will to win. There were many points where they could have packed it in and turned into the Eagles or the Jets, losers with an excuse. But they didn’t do that. So congratulations to the Bears, and to their fans. Both kinds.

KEY STATS
– Brett Favre was picked off 4 times in this game. He has thrown 28 interceptions this year, surpassing his previous career worst total in 1993, his first full season as a starter.

– Ryan Longwell missed 2 makeable field goals for GB. One was from 38 yards, the other from 39.

– The Packers chucked the ball up 51 times. They ran it only 21.

– Bear fans, please, just STOP with the Rex Grossman as Messiah bullshit. He completed 11 passes against a team KYLE freakin BOLLER hung 48 points on the week before. His QB rating for this game was 68.4. Since he’s come back its 59.9. That’s 0.2 higher than Kyle Orton’s 59.7. The Bears’ weakest position is STILL quarterback, and it’s STILL pretty damn weak.

– The Bears’ MVP in this game was running back Thomas Jones. This was not the best of games for the Bear defense. Jones helped keep them off the field by carrying 25 times for 105 yards.

NICK PICKED
PACKERS 17, BEARS 16


Rex Gets a Win On His Birthday…Oh Wait You Mean He’s NOT Jesus??

3. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (10-5); 8-3 v. NFC
WON v. Atlanta 27-24 OT

No team improved their situation more in Week 16 than the Bucs did. They did it despite doing everything they could to give a must-have game against Atlanta away in overtime on Christmas Eve.

The Bucs fumbled the opening kickoff of OT setting up what should have been a chip shot game winning field goal for Atlanta. The Bucs blocked the kick though, and stayed alive. They then drove down the field and set up a chip shot field goal of their own, which Matt Bryant missed. Then, with time running out in overtime, Mark Jones had a big punt return to give the Bucs good field position, which they converted into a game winning field goal with only 20 seconds remaining before the game seemingly nobody wanted to win was ruled a tie.

This game meant everything for both teams. The Falcons are now eliminated from playoff contention. The Bucs, meanwhile, not only stayed alive but vaulted into the NFC South lead thanks to the Cowboys going into Charlotte and beating the Panthers.

The Bucs now need only to win at home against a Saints team that has lost 10 of its last 11 to clinch the division and ensure that their opening round playoff game will be played in the shadows of their gay pirate ship. Yarrrr!!!

KEY STATS

– As Cadillac Williams goes, so go the Bucs. This week, the Bucs got a good game from their inconsistent rookie, and, not surprisingly, a win. Williams carried 31 times for 150 yards and a TD.

– Tampa outplayed the Falcons by a lot more than 3 points. They outgained Atlanta 444-281.

– The Bucs sacked Michael Vick 4 times, including 2 by Simeon Rice.

– Rookie TE “The Other” Alex Smith had a big game for Tampa. He caught 8 passes for 75 yards, and it was his reception that set up the game winning field goal. Smith was a 3rd round pick this year, and has caught 40 passes for 345 yards on the season.

NICK PICKED
FALCONS 20, BUCS 17


One Giant Leap for the Bucs

4. NY GIANTS (10-5); CLINCHED Playoff Berth, 8-4 v. NFC
LOST at Washington 20-35

So, the Giants are currently seeded below the Bucs, but they’ve clinched a playoff spot, and the Bucs haven’t? Yes. That is true. Trying too hard to figure out playoff scenarios can actually open up holes in the space/time continuum, and we don’t want that. But trust me on this.

The Giants are in, but they can’t be feeling very good about what happened this weekend. They played a team that they punched in the balls 36-0 not too long ago, and got thoroughly dominated. The Giants’ pass defense is bad, and the Redskins made them pay for that weakness. Santana Moss ripped their secondary to shreds, and when he was done, Clinton Portis finished the job by running all over them.

This is a one man team right now. If Tiki Barber doesn’t run for like 175 yards, the Giants lose. That’s too much to ask out of one guy and the Giants are going to be an early out in the playoffs.

KEY STATS

– The Giants gave up 11.2 yards per pass play in this game. To put that in perspective, the team that ranked last in the NFL in pass defense coming into this week, San Francisco, had given up 7.8 yards per pass play for the season.

– Big Blue was playing from behind the whole game. They ran 42 pass plays versus only 19 runs. You don’t win that way, especially when your best player is your running back, NOT your hit and miss second year quarterback.

– The Redskins had 3 trips inside the Giants’ red zone, and came away with TDs all 3 times.

– Tiki ran for 80 yards. It broke his string of five straight 100 yard games.

NICK PICKED
GIANTS 27, REDSKINS 19


Dazed and Confused

5. CAROLINA PANTHERS (10-5), 7-4 v. NFC
LOST v. Dallas 20-24

Carolina lost a big game at home this weekend to a team that got beat 35-7 last week and had lost 3 of their last 4. But it was all because of the referees. If you don’t believe me, just ask the Panthers.

“The referees, they called a lot of questionable calls today. What they did was they decided the game and decided the fate of who was going to win.” , said Panthers CB Ken Lucas, chiefly in regards to a roughing the kicker penalty that negated a missed field goal that would have ended the game, but instead gave Dallas a first down, and led to the game winning touchdown.

Well, blaming the referees is not exactly the hallmark of a great team. The referees aren’t the reason a guy who up until this week had been battling a bad case of Sophomore Slump ran for 194 friggin yards against you. They’re not the reason you haven’t been able to get a running game of your own going all year. And they aren’t the reason why you gave up a TD pass after that roughing the kicker call.

They’re not the reason you’re underachieving, and they won’t be the reason you make an early playoff exit.

KEY STATS

– Carolina was 4 of 14 on third down conversions.

– Dallas outrushed the Panthers by 143 yards, and by 2.2 yards per carry.

– Jake Delhomme completed only 14 of 31 pass attempts. He did find Ricky Proehl for 2 big gains though. Proehl had 2 catches for 104 yards and a TD.

– Julius Peppers had 3 sacks.

NICK PICKED
PANTHERS 26, COWBOYS 17


You Make the Call…

6. WASHINGTON REDSKINS (9-6) 9-2 v. NFC
WON v. NY Giants 35-20

Nobody in the NFC is playing better than the Redskins are right now. They’ve won 4 in a row, they’ve trounced 2 of their archrivals in back to back weeks, archrivals who are also in playoff contention, and they may just have the best balance of offense and defense in the conference. Oh, and they also have a guy who could finish the season as the NFL’s leading receiver. And, there’s that Hall of Famer they have coaching them.

NOBODY wants to play this team right now. They are 9-2 against the NFC. Run down the list of teams that will be in the NFC playoffs, and tell me they can’t make the Super Bowl. Seahawks? The Redskins have beaten the Seahawks. Bears? The Skins have beaten them too. They’ve also beaten the Giants. They haven’t played the Panthers but the Panthers are a bunch of whining bitches so who cares about them. The only current playoff team they’ve played and haven’t beaten is the Bucs, who they lost to 36-35. They can and have beaten pretty much anyone they will face in the postseason.

There are 2 things that may keep them from reaching the Super Bowl though. One, they’re going to have to win on the road. The Skins are 6-2 at home, but only 3-4 away from FedEx Field. Their game next week is on the road against an Eagles team that is decimated by injuries, but has continued to play hard. If they get upset, they will miss the playoffs, because Dallas has a home game against the Rams that they are not going to lose.

And, that segues nicely into the second thing that could keep them from winning. Their quarterback’s health is now iffy. Mark Brunell left Saturday’s game with a knee sprain. He may or may not play on Sunday against the Eagles. If he can’t go, then Patrick Ramsey will start. Maybe not that big of a drop-off, but you don’t know for sure.

One thing is for sure. If Washington can reach the playoffs, they’ll be a factor. But that’s still a pretty big if.

KEY STATS

– The Skins were an unreal 9 of 14 on 3rd down conversions against the Giants.

– Clinton Portis ran for 108 yards on 27 carries, and threw a TD pass. Part of the reason he was so effective though, was that his backup, Ladell Betts was able to carry some of the load. Betts carried 13 times for 36 yards.

– Santana Moss caught 5 passes for 160 yards and 3 TDs. He now has 1400 receiving yards on the season, and trails Steve Smith by only 32 yards for the NFL lead.

– If Ramsey has to play against the Eagles, the Redskins hope he plays as well as he did this week. Ramsey came off the bench to complete 5 of 7 passes for 104 yards and a TD.


Fun Bunch 2000!

STILL ALIVE

DALLAS COWBOYS (9-6) 7-4 v. NFC
WON at Carolina 24-20

I have to hand it to the Cowboys. They looked like a team that was waiting to die when they got flagellated by the Redskins 35-7 two weeks ago, their 3rd loss in their last 4 games. It seemed like a fait accompli that the Panthers would finish them off this week. It didn’t happen though, and Julius Jones is the reason why. Jones carried 34 times for 194 yards and two touchdowns, and led the Cowboys to an upset win in Charlotte. Drew Bledsoe took a beating in this game, getting sacked 5 times, but he kept getting up and was able to utilize his 2 main receivers, Terry Glenn and Keyshawn Johnson, equally. Glenn and Keyshawn combined for 10 catches and 177 yards.

The Cowboys have a home game this week against the 5-10 Rams. That’s going to be a win. What they then have to hope for is either the Eagles to defeat the Redskins, or the Panthers to lose in Atlanta to a Falcons team that has already been eliminated. Neither is out of the realm of possibility, so the Cowboys still have a very good chance to sneak into the playoffs.

KEY STATS

– Rookie DeMarcus Ware had 3 sacks for the Cowboys

– Carolina had gone 10 games without giving up more than 300 yards of total offense. The Cowboys broke that streak.

– This was the first 100 yard rushing game for Julius Jones all season.

– Kicker Billy Cundiff, who had a 34 yard field goal blocked, and missed a 33 yarder that was negated by a roughing the kicker penalty, was cut yesterday. He will be replaced by Sean Suisham, who kicked for Dallas earlier this season and was perfect in 2 field goal attempts.


Tuna Still Fishing For a Playoff Spot

SEE YA IN 06

ATLANTA FALCONS (8-7)
LOST at Tampa Bay 24-27 OT

It’s often been said that you can’t measure Michael Vick by the statistics you use to measure other quarterbacks. You can’t measure him because he plays a completely different game than the other quarterbacks play. You can’t measure him because he wins.

Well, the Falcons are sending 5 guys to the Pro Bowl this year (six counting Vick), and they are sending 0 guys to the playoffs. They are 8-7 despite having a largely injury-free year, and having a roster that many felt was good enough to get this team to the Super Bowl and possibly win it.

I blame Vick. I know “you can’t measure him like other quarterbacks!! NEEEYAH!” But, just for shits and giggles, let’s take a look at his QB rating in his last 3 full seasons.

02 81.6
04 78.1
05 74.1

In my country, that’s called regressing. And now you can’t say that he wins anymore, because he doesn’t. The team has underachieved. I guess what I’m saying is, can we PLEASE stop it with this guy??? He’s an OK quarterback. Please stop treating me like I’m a effing idiot and beating me over the head with him. The dude has a lower QB rating this year than Trent Dilfer, Kyle Boller, and David Carr.

And you know what, don’t tell me QB rating doesn’t matter. Because it DOES.

I’ll throw some names at you. Peyton Manning. Ben Roethlisberger. Carson Palmer. Matt Hasselbeck. Tom Brady. Jake Plummer. Byron Leftwich. What do they have in common? They are all in the list of the top 10 in QB rating, and their teams are all going to the playoffs. The only 3 QBs in the top 10 that aren’t going to the playoffs are Marc Bulger, Drew Brees, and Trent Green, and 2 of those guys, you best believe they would be in the playoffs if not going in as the #1 seed if their teams played in the NFC.

Stop it with the Michael Vick. ESPN, I’m talking to you.


Bryant’s Field Goal Ends Atlanta’s Season

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (8-7)
LOST at Baltimore 23-30

Given everything that happened to the Vikings this year, it’s really pretty amazing that they stayed in the playoff race this long. They did it on the back of their defense, but the defense disintegrated on Sunday night against the Ravens, and with it went the Vikings’ playoff hopes.

Take a good look at this Vikings team, because it’s going to be very different next year. Mike Tice, despite doing a good job with this team this year, will be and probably should be fired. It would be best for the Vikings to start over under a new coach, and probably best for Tice, who should be able to get a head coaching job somewhere else (Green Bay? Detroit? Houston?).

The team needs to get it’s new stadium built if they are going to stay in Minnesota, and Minnesota is a state that does not automatically fork over cash for new stadiums just because a team tells them to (which is why the Twins and Vikings are both still playing in the anachronistic Metrodome). They know they are on thin ice with the community thanks to the scandal plagued year. Look for them to concentrate on improving the character of this team in the offseason. We’ll see how that translates on the field in 06.

NICK PICKED
RAVENS 21, VIKINGS 17


The Vikings Sail Into the Sunset

AND THE REST..

(3-12) NINERS 24
(5-10) RAMS 20

GORE! GORE! GORE! Two touchdowns for Frank Gore. Torry “Meaningless Game” Holt has 163 receiving yards and a TD. Rams officially suck as bad as when Rich Brooks coached them.

NICK PICKED
RAMS 31, NINERS 16

(5-10) LIONS 13
(3-12) SAINTS 12

Saints give up 40 yard pass play on 4th and 17 with 37 seconds left. This is what it sounds like when the doves cry.

NICK PICKED
SAINTS 20, LIONS 19

(6-9) EAGLES 21
(5-10) CARDINALS 27

Mike McMahon goes 12 of 33. But he ran for 2 TDs. You can’t measure him with normal statistics. He plays a different game.

NICK PICKED
EAGLES 24, CARDINALS 20

Well’ that’s it for today. Tomorrow we’ll do the AFC, same drill as last week. I like this format so I’m sticking with it. Hope you’ll stick around too and be here tomorrow as we break down the AFC Playoff Picture!

In the meantime, check out:

Patrickwho KNOWS how to fix the Houston Texans. A hint: it involves naked chicks. I know, it didn’t work for the Vikings, but his idea might.

Omarsays no medal for the US Hockey team this winter in Turino.

Now that Christmas has come, the NBA season officially starts for real, and Phillip Ciprotti has the breakdown.

Eric S.has a Christmas tale sure to warm the hearts of any Bear fan.

A domani!