It’s an ordinary day in Nip Tuckville.
As I sit down to a holiday cup of spiked eggnog sans the eggnog, I’m reminded of why we’re all together and share during the holiday season. All the kiddies are nestled in their beds dreaming of sugarplums and I’m ½ tanked waiting for the Carver to be revealed.
Personally, after seeing the previews, I’m now thinking it could be anyone, including Liz the lez. But when they show the Carver in action, it’s clearly not a woman. I’m down to Quentin and Matt with Quentin favored by 14 points.
Season Finale:
Christian and Sean receive a gift at the office. How Sweet! And it’s dripping with blood. Ew. Not so sweet. They open it hesitantly and find that there are bloody breast implants. Of course, I’m such a sleuth in reading all of my Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys mystery books growing up and I figured out they belonged to Kimber. Oh, and I think a lot of Scooby Doo has also turned me into a mystery solving machine.
Come to find out Kimber was not just slashed by the Carver, but pretty much mutilated as all of her surgeries performed by Dr. Christian Troy were reversed. Ew. Also, pointing out that this is work done by a skilled surgeon, advantage Quentin.
So we got Quentin in the Library with the candlestick.
Christian vows to make her beautiful again, but apparently the Carver got to her psyche and she’s now thinking that beauty is shallow and false and that Christian would never love her if she didn’t look like she used to. Honey, I got news for you… nobody would watch the show if Christian wasn’t hot and you weren’t gorgeous! You gotcherself a hot plastic surgeon. I don’t see you at the mullett festival scoping for men.
Julia puts Sean on the lease of the house. Ok, so they’re gonna work it out now that he’s knocked her up. But her tests came back and there’s something in the tests. If I had my druthers, (that’s right, I said druthers) I’d say that the baby is missing a penis. Her 40 year old having a baby dream/ nightmare sequence was pretty cool, though. Then again, could’ve been the sauce kicking in…
Matt’s trans-gender-vestite-sexual friend, Cherry, shows up at the office and wants a fixer upper pro bono (or pro boner) or she-he’s going to the cops about Matt beating sher up. Sean’s pissed about the threat and tells Matt and Matt says to do it AND shows up post surgery! First he beats shim up, now he visits sher with a gift of sensitivity? What is going on with this whacko!?
As the Carver slashes up a sorority house, it’s now learned that the mysterious masked one sports a strap on.
Kit brings in Liz for questioning… nothing…. except we find out that she’s a dominant lesbian. Who cares?
Kit brings in Quentin for questioning and photos. As he drops his drawers, we learn that the man has no penis. Now, was I the only one quoting Ghostbusters? “Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.” “Is this true?” “Yes, it’s true, this man has no dick”. Classic Bill Murray line…
The Carver enters the office and drugs Gina (Christian’s old flame), he removes the mask to show Quentin beneath all of the slashings and treachery.
In a parallel storyline, Quentin drugs and ties up Christian & Sean and Ariel’s dad kidnaps Matt & Cherry and ties them up. Both are threatened to have body parts chopped off. Matt has to chop off Cherry’s dick or he’ll get a brain bullet, and Quentin chops off Sean’s finger and wants Christian to cut off his own hand. This was too much slicing and dicing for me… I had to cover my eyes with when I refilled my hot toddie.
Quentin is shot by Kit.
Ariel’s dad is shot by Cherry… (or is he?).
Apparently Quentin never died, his body bag is unzipped, and he flees the scene.
The part I don’t get is why Kit would tell the Hardy Boys, Christian & Sean, all of this information about the Carver and his past. How his sister had a cleft lip which explains the markings left on the victims and how they grew up in a convent and that Gina called 911. You know they’re gonna thank Gina and she’d have no idea what’s going on!
But now plastic surgeons think they’re Magnum P.I.??? Paying a visit to a convent no less. But it paid off as it’s revealed that Quentin’s sister is Katherine aka Kit. Ahhh… the twist we were all waiting for.
Cut to Kit and Quentin sipping drinks by a pool in the Mediterranean ready to unleash more mayhem on innocent victims.
So, it’s Colonel Mustard and Mrs. Peacock in the dining room with no penis.
Overall Rating: 9.2 (damn that Russian judge!)
Unanswered Questions:
Why did the Carver never hit Julia?
Is Matt an accomplice to murder? Was Ariel’s dad murdered?
What’s inside Juila’s belly?
How could 2 doctors stand above an undead body?
Who let the dogs out?
I find it ironic that a man with a penis doesn’t want it. And a man without one wants one. If this was a real episode of giving for the holidays Christian & Sean would chop Cherry’s tree and give the trunk to Quentin.
Oh, what will I do with my Tuesday nights???
