In Memoriam: Patrick Cranshaw, a man who makes you realize that the stars drive business in Hollywood, but it’s the character actors who are of greater importance.
December 30th, 2005 was a day of anniversaries, some of which were worth celebrating, some not.
It was the twentieth anniversary of the crash of Ricky Nelson’s plane, for instance. That cost us a Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Famer and a legendary performer.
It was the thirtieth anniversary of the birth of Saint Tiger of Augusta, all praise his holy name.
It was the centennial of the assassination of former Idaho governor Frank Steunenberg, an incident that was the spark for one of the most ferocious battles between capital and labor the US ever experienced, a battle that started the Industrial Workers of the World on the path to destruction and Socialism to the end of its influence in this country.
And it was the zeroeth anniversary of the last episode of Smackdown for 2005. Yay. Of course, this means that this is my first column of the New Year. Yay ditto. It’s just a freakin’ date on the calendar. It has no solar, lunar, or religious significance. Yet we choose to mark time with it. The only thing significant is the fact that this year has 86401 extra seconds. Enjoy them.
Okay, I’m using the Canadian feed again for Smackdown, so get ready for anamorphic screen caps. Hell, when it’s up on Thursday night and you can get a jump on the column on Friday afternoon by using it, you’d grab it too. Well, no need to prolong the misery…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Matt Hardy over High-Quality Speaker Boy (COR): Fortunately, instead of watching this match, I tried to figure out what a Ford Taurus limo would look like. Thanks, Tazz. And what exactly is High-Quality Speaker Boy’s quid pro quo for helping to get the Boogeyman over? Another title reign sometime in 2006? Personally, I wouldn’t settle for anything less.
Look, you f*ckers, what did I tell you about that particular sign? In 2006, I start using live ammo. Got it?
Does High-Quality Speaker Boy look a little chunky to you?
Three Beasts, no Beauties
Super Crazy and Psicosis over Chad Dick and James Dick (Pinfall, Super Crazy pins Chad, moonsault): Good match, abysmal commentary (there has to be some finite limit to the number of dick jokes in the universe, doesn’t there?). Given the quality of this match and the results of the tag match later in this show, please tell me exactly why the Mexicools don’t have the tag straps right now. Please, do so. I need to laugh in someone’s face right now.
When you kick a Dick, always aim for the head
Our Lord and Savior over The Young Antichrist, Best Of Seven Series Proxy Match (DQ, Paisley-ference, Booker currently up 3-2): Okay, we all knew that Benoit could carry Orton, so the match was watchable. However, the presence of Orton made it incredibly dull and interminable. It thrilled me so much that my progression through it went something like this: watch, pause, go to Wal-Mart, get my mail, come back, watch, pause, go read cnn.com, watch, pause, go read si.com to get the final score of the Sun Bowl, watch, check GMail while leaving it run, come back for Benoit doing the Three Amigos, check The Pirate Bay while letting it run, come back and let it end. Of course, I have the attention span of a mayfly, so that may have something to do with it.
Oh, yeah, just to follow up on something I mentioned last week, it happened again. Michael Cole remained totally clueless when Benoit kept the arms locked after the first German. This standard lapse was made even more apparent when Booker mentioned the Triple Germans right at that point. Jesus Fucking Christ, Cole, start calling the Triple Germans. Even if you know that Benoit’s going to break after the second one to apply the Crossface like he did in this match, call it.
Booker’s secret Christmas wish, to be young, white, and useless, was granted
In pain, Randy? Good.
Bobby Lashley over Sylvain Grenier (COR): So, who was getting the push in this match, Lashley or Grenier? Hey, don’t laugh about Grenier getting a push. You read those news reports about Trevor Murdoch getting a push? Grenier actually deserves it more than Murdoch. That isn’t saying much, of course, but it is the truth.
Personally, I think he should start every promo with “Bobby, Bobby, Bobby”
All-American, soldier, gay-basher
Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro over Rey-Rey y DAVE, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Mercury pins DAVE, Henry-ference, New Tag Champions): The match was total formula, so I won’t bother commenting. But the booking…oh, there we have a bone of contention. So what exactly was the purpose of hot-shotting the belts? What was the purpose of neutering what was a very good tag match between MNM and the Mexicools at Armageddon? Why did they have to get the belts back now? Why in the name of heaven did they decide that this was a good time for Mark Henry to come back? Too many question, no obvious answers. Yes, it’s nice to have a little mystery once in a while, but not when the overriding question is “How much crack did ‘creative’ do before coming up with this?”
You know what? I’ll let Her Majesty speak for me:
DAVE is not amused
You have to be quick if you want to take advantage of the post-Christmas sale on male whores
(By the way, Rey-Rey calling the Bronco Buster the “1904”…that’s kinda obvious. “19” is S, “04” is D, SD is short for Smackdown. Duh.)
Rey-Rey heard that Johnny Nitro gave the best rimjobs in WWE and had to find out for himself
Benoit’s insistence on not celebrating Kwaanza didn’t go over very well
Uh, Hold It…: Actually, this isn’t sexual harassment, Melina. DAVE isn’t using sex as a quid pro quo for some sort of reward, discriminating against you due to gender, or any of the other common definitions of said. The most you can get him for is implied breach of contract. As someone who’s been falsely accused of sexual harassment in the past, I get a little upset when that term’s thrown around willy-nilly. Besides, Melina, do you know how many Batista fangirls are pissed at you right now because you got a piece of him and they didn’t?
“Don’t cry for me, Argentina…”
Violating The Statute Of Limitations: Remember Jim Cornette’s famous seven-year statute of limitations on recycling angles? The same goes for promos. When Kid Kash said “What in the world is a Juventud?”, I went to the nearest wall and decided to ram my head through it. In case you don’t know, that line was used before, on August 9th, 1999. Yes, I know the exact date by heart, because it was one of the most famous promos in wrestling history. It was said by Flex to Chris Jericho during Jericho’s WWE debut, the night Jericho was buried forever. So not only is Kash violating the statute of limitations, he’s also ripping off lines from Flex, of all people. I want to rip off Kash’s testicles and stuff them down his throat.
Is it just me, or does everyone find Funaki easier to understand than Kash?
You know what? I was trolling through some past columns of mine when I came across what I wrote about on June 14th regarding Kid Kash in the wake of One-Night Stand. This is what I said:
Of course, he’s an ego run rampant, so they’re not going to take a chance on him, which is sorta too bad, really. When his mouth isn’t running, he’s damn good in the ring.
I think he proved that with this promo. Damn, he can do better than that. He has in the past.
Learning To Let Go: What is going through Fit Finlay’s mind? He’s got a great thing going. He’s a respected road agent, he’s doing a good job training the women…why make an in-ring comeback? What’s left for him? Okay, he’s never taken WWE by storm, admittedly, but still…come on, Fit, you know better than this. However, if it’s you against Regal at WM and you’re given fifteen to replicate that kick-ass brawl you had in WCW, I may change my mind.
We know who he’s rooting for in the Fiesta Bowl
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Jeff Jarrett and Monty Brown over Kenny King and Shark Boy (Pinfall, Jarrett pins Shark Boy, Brown pins King, Stroke and Pounce, respectively): Oh, please. A double squash designed to feed Jarrett’s ego and prevent Monty from thinking about the ass-raping he’s taking from management. Yeah, that’s how I want all my openers to be.
If this is what Tough Enough losers get in TNA, imagine what happens to the winners
Rhiyno over Alastair Rouse (Pinfall, Goar Goar Goar): Well, which deprecating term should I use for this match? Squash? Angle Advancement Match due to the apres with Abyss? Both? Probably the last option. But, really, all I need to say is that Savory Steak Sauce Boy was involved. That’s insult enough.
Rhiyno’s become so popular that he’s being looked at as the next coach of the Lions
Samoa Joe over Roderick Strong (Submission, Kokina Clutch): If anyone wants to know the difference between ROH and TNA, here is it. In ROH, this is a twenty-minute main event. In TNA, this is a five-minute virtual squash.
Now that Joe has the X Division belt, he’s starting to ask for perks like having Strong as his own personal boot remover
James Storm over A. J. Styles (Pinfall, superkick): Okay, this is definitely a “mission accomplished” match. Make Storm look strong as a singles competitor? Check. Make A. J. look strong in losing? Check (it took two outside interferences and a beer bottle to bring him down). Set up the tag match for the special? Check. And they did it really well, too. Nice, nice match, and there was very little sign of A. J. having to carry Storm. Wonderful.
This is not what the fangirls meant when they said they wanted to get A. J. horizontal
The “Styles As Christ Figure” movement gets new life
Everything angle-wise is either set or on hold for Sting, so it’s caps and nothing else this week:
Jackie reenacts for us the first time she saw Charlie naked
You have to admire the cross-cultural nature of this Hispanic gang
THE “FIRST MATCH OF 2006” SHORT FORM
Considering the participants of this match and the obvious quality that would entail, how would this be treated as per Match of the Year consideration? In one-quarter of the world, the match took place in 2005 (ignoring the fact that it was taped in 2005, of course). Since this is the part of the world I live it, it’s obviously more important, so, therefore, it should be considered under 2005, right? Well, we already decided on MotY, so it was a moot point. And, it wasn’t that great anyway. Just something to think about.
Actually, I saw the match live, but I wanted to see it without the commercials to see if it would flow better. Also, at the time the match was on, I was doing a CHKDSK on my C drive, so I couldn’t fill stuff in. So I downloaded it for a screen cap and a re-viewing. Here goes…
Chris Harris and James Storm over A. J. Fuckin’ Styles and Christopher Daniels, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Storm pins Styles, Shannon-ference): Well, they had to pull out something special for this. And this was special. No Christian, no Rhiyno, just four guys who may have had some notoriety before coming to TNA, but who became some of the biggest stars in wrestling thanks to TNA, with no help from Vince. A perfect way to celebrate TNA’s achievements. Well, until Shannon Fucking Moore decided to interfere in order to pimp him up as a challenger in the X Division. Does TNA have an inferiority complex? No, honestly, do they? Do they really think that we, the TNA audience, would believe that Shannon Moore is worthy of sharing the same ring with Styles and Daniels? Look, Shannon Moore wasn’t fit to share the same ring with Novocaine Helms back in WCW. Oh, please, dear God, let them get a sense of proportion.
Introducing the 2006 model Flying Styles
(By the way, this was image #20000 that we have on record for our articles here at the Pulse. I missed out on #10000, but I got this one, so nyahhh.)
More Flying Styles? Sure!
The First BME of 2006
None, but what did you expect from thirty minutes including commercials? Okay, the Sting announcement and the match for Final Resolution, but, really, do we give a shit?
And that welcomes this year in. Let’s all hope for a better
2006 than 2005 turned out to be, shall we?