IT IS THE FIRST RAW
OF THE NEW YEAR
WHAT DOES 2006 PORTEND?
ELIMINATION CHAMBERS!!!!!
…on…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E ! ! !
Joining us tonight are:
Taken from the past… JENNA
Sent to us from the future… HERNANDEZ
Barely in the present… BILL
And living in the now… ME!
We are one week away from the Elimination Chamber at New Year’s Revolution, which is an awesome name for a PPV, as well as it has that great dragon motif, and tonight on Raw – will we get a new GM? Will Kurt defeat Cena in the FIRST BLOOD MATCH? Let’s find out!
Oh and they are going to show us “””footage””” from Ric Flair’s road rage incident. I predict an ‘edge’ocation… HA! YOU SEE WHAT I DID THAT!
Here, starting the show off, our chairman…. Vince McMahon
“The man is always walking around like he’s chaffed” – Roommate Randy
Vince announces again that he is going to put in his NO TOLERANCE policy again. Translation: No More Mr. Nice Guy.
“Enter: Alice Cooper” – Me
He announces that he should have spit right into Shawn’s face. He should have knocked the hell out of Shawn. he should have fired his ass on the spot! He explains that he did everything he’s ever done for the people… but to hell with that, now it’s all for him.
“Much like the last ten years.” – Me
So he made the First Blood Match and this match we are about to see… he addresses Lillian Garcia to make the announcement.
“AND BARK LIKE A DOOOGGGGG” – Me
Here comes KANE!
And… ha.. guess what… it’s SHAWN MICHAELS!
“That’s a nice opening match! Unlike Jericho he realizes that he can play at both ends of the spectrum” – Hernandez
“That’s because he’s the tupperwarrior! So wrestling Kane.. that’s the cross he has to bear.” – Bill
“RIMSHOT!” – Me
Now the stipulation is that if Shawn uses the superkick, he’s DQ’d… fun!
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. KANE
Superkick DQ match!
Match starts up after Shawn talks to Vinnie with some chops, but he of course gets tossed to the corner and a stiff ol hit drops the boy DOWWNNN! Kane tosses him to the ropes and he goes for the leap over and the sunset flip for two. Kane boots him down and chokes him with some boot. Shoulderchecks, fists, chokes, and Kane is just decimating HBK.
Kane gets a couple two counts, and only after Kane charges in to Shawn and eats a boot do things start to change. Shawn punches and chops him, finally clotheslining him over the top rope, and then the HBK plancha! Vinnie though follows him to the outside and they have a brief argument in time for Kane to clothesline and sends us to the commercial.
“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?” – Shawn to Vince
“Because he can’t do it Triple H anymore” – Jenna
“Because somewhere Bret Hart is laughing at this all” – Hernandez
“Because I’m the anti-christ” – Bill
“Because Linda’s going through menopause” – Me
Back to the show and Kane has Shawn on his back, and Kane is allowing a sleeperhold. The big man keeps slamming him into the corner… breaks the hold and Shawn leaps RIGHT back. Kane hits the side suplex and THAT broke it. Kane misses the elbow and Shawn heads up to the top and Kane gets him RIGHT in the stomach… Shawn puts him in a chinlock for a nice pausing hold spot.
Kane chokes him against the second rope, slides out and punches him with a nice wet thud. Kane only gets the two count. Right back into the chinlock. Shawn though gets some love from the crowd.. and Christ. He stomps his way up… fists to the gut…. tossed to the rope and Shawn hits the kneelift. Bill ‘Woos’ along as he chops Kane. Tosses him to the ropes, reversed and Kane hits the chokeslam, but Shawn slides off in a flub.
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: Shiggity Shiggity Shwa!
Toss to the ropes and the flying cross body. Hits Kane with the reversed atomic drop. DDT from Shawn ONLY for two. Kick to the gut and a neckbreaker. Two count. Shawn charges again, but this time gets hit with the boot. Kane heads up to the top rope….. he goes for the big clothesline, but Shawn ducks and hits a couple clotheslines of his own.
Shawn hits the elbow! He’s looking to the corner.. HE WANTS TO STOMP
“It’s Muscle Memory!” – Bill
“Pavlov” – Hernandez
“Jesus told him to…” – Me
OOooooo Vince grabs the mic and says if he does it, he’ll be out of the elimination chamber! Kane spins him around, and chokeslam Wham Pin!
WINNER: KANE
COMMERCIAL
During the commercial, Vince makes Todd to inform Shawn that he is going to be the NUMBER ONE entrant in the Elimination Chamber… awwwwwwww….
Gregory Helms last Monday explains that Jerry Lawler is holding him down. He feels that Lawler is making a mockery of Helms…
“Well he HAS worked with comedians in his career” – Bill
And here comes, with his new music and new ‘sunglasses’ video… comes on down Gregory Helms right into the ring.
“Unlike yourself, Jerry, I have something to say face to face.
“He has small Charlie Brown eyes” – Jenna
So Jerry gets into the ring and they go face to face.
“You ain’t got nothing nice to say. When I was the Hurricane, you had a joke every minute. Now you got nothing? If someone looks like a joke… it’s you.” – Helms
“A double negative!” – Me
“Well at least when you had on that stupid costume you were half-way entertaining. Now you are just…” – Lawler
“A bad version of Edge.” – Bill
They come to blows and a stiff clock later and Helms is out of the ring and Lawler challenges him to New Years Revolution. Ummmm woo?
COMMERCIAL
Now we see welders and–
“The sculpting of the Masterpiece” – Bill
the elimination chamber. They give us a video package of 2002’s Elimination Chamber, which, as a note, some of us saw live… and RVD almost killed Triple H. Sweet.
In the back, Vinnie is talking to Mickey James and charging in comes Davairi and Kurt Angle. Vince doesn’t want to discuss the General Manager issue this week, but Kurt doesn’t either.. he wants to discuss–
“His wife” – Hernandez
–his problems with his match tonight. He doesn’t want to get screwed. Vince doesn’t really care, he just wants violence.
“So since he hates the soldiers, does that make Kurt the Cobra Commander?” – Dani
So Mickey wants to talk to Vince, but the commentators insist on interrupting and showing us the Trish/Mickey James kiss again – and then Trish training up and down stairs. Todd asks her about the kiss and she says it makes her uncomfortable.
“She was asking for it” – Roommate Randy
“…The Slut” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
Tonight at 10 on A&E… ROLLERGIRLS!!?!? AT THE SAME TIME?! GOD DAMNIT!
In the ring, Boobage mcTahtah is doing the kiss cam around the arena
“They are total cousins…” – Bill
So here comes Victoria, Torrie, and Candice… and tonight’s winner of the lech award isssss… MARIA!
“Hey look a giraffe with tits!” – Jenna on Victoria
Victoria is in fact wearing a shirt that says ‘Tell your boyfriend I said thanks’
“Jamie, why is she thanking you?” – Dani
“He gave her a blowjob” – Bill
“I lent her ten bucks…” – Me
So Victoria comes down in her neckbrace, and bitches about her neck as it was hurt from Carlito. Maria mouths an ‘I’m sorry’ – then gets kicked by Victoria. Here runs in a ref and a match starts apparently.
VICTORIA vs. MARIA
Maria eats a snapmare and a surfboard. She kicks down Maria and a shot to the gut and hangs her on the second rope. and gets slapped by Torrie. Victoria throws her into the corner and charges after her and Maria ducks! Maria rolls her up and gets the pin!
WINNER: MARIA
So here comes the pink beatdown! And coming to her rescue is Ashley! AND IN A LATE ENTRY! Ashley takes the Lech award and shares it with Maria, as the girls have stripped her to nothing and she looks so sad… and Ashley, wearing shiny underwear… that has nothing to do with the beatdowns in the ring, but trust me… this is more important.
In the back Edge and Lita are coming on down.
“There’s someone who isn’t winning the award…” – Bill
“She just shouldn’t talk..” – Dani
“Yeah because when she opens her mouth, insects fly out!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
During the commercial break, King just got the best news of the New Year.
“Your wife’s dead!” – Bill
Anyway, Vince came down to the ring during the break and informed all of the girls are going to be in a Bra and Panties Gauntlet match….
Now in the back, someone is in the shower, and Mickey James is waiting outside for them. Mickey James borrows her towel and waits for Trish to come out of the shower… completely dry. Mickey apologizes and comments on her boobs.
“This is all stupid…” – Dani
Here comes Edge!
“This too!!! Why did I come home in time for this?!?!?” – Dani
So they head on down off the ramp to the side and Edge grabs the mic. He addresses that he’s caught a lot of flack for making fun of Ric Flair for the last few weeks. A man who has paved the way for so many other wrestlers.
“You know who I blame for all of this….. Matt Hardy” – Dani
So Edge prattles on about how he is one of a kind.
“Yeah, I’m the only blonde haired muscley guy here” – Roommate Randy
So Edge brings us some footage from the day Ric got arrested. And of course it’s Edge in a car, dressed like Ric and singing, wooing and getting cut off and strutting down to the other car. So “Ric” runs to the window, kicks the door and yells at him through the window… note – his victim has an Edge shirt on – and pulls him out of the car and chops him for awhile… pokes him in the eye.. and puts him in a figure four, all while Wooing!
And as Jersey boys, we realize that this was taped IN Jersey right by the Meadowlands. Funny.
The whole bit wasn’t actually that bad!
“Just impersonate Flair for the rest of your career, you’ll do awesome Edge” – Hernandez
Edge, back in the arena, promises to make Ric’s life a living hell and rescue the IC title from Flair. Oh and Flair charges at him and they run down to the ring together. Flair hits him with the back body drop, and now goes for the figure four, but Lita charges in with a sleeper and flubs the snapmare. Ric is setting her up for the figure four.. and Edge bails!
After a long moment, he finally charges down.
“Now I have rescued her.. ha ha.” – bill
Leaving Flair in the ring.
“This is dangerous… Flair now has Lita’s scent.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
We get a bit about Stacy on ‘Dancing With The Stars’
“Yechh..” – Me
“It’s thirty seconds..” – Hernandez
Then they show the shot of her as she’s five or six years old.
“THERE’S THE MONEY!” – Me
And talking about the money..
“AIN’T NO STOPPIN ME NOWWWWWW” – Music
“We’re seeing Shelton’s Mama tonight…” – Hernandez
SHELTON vs. MASTERPIECE
“Who the hell is this?” – Roommate Randy
“Oh this is–” -Bill
“POWWDERRRED TOOOASSSSSST MAAAAAAAAN” – Me & Bill
“CHRISSshshhhhhh Masshhhtterrsshhhhh”
Bell rings and Masters charges Shelton to the corner and Shelton fights out of it and hits a CRUCIFIX PIN!!!! For two. I love the crucifix. Shelton fights for a pin, but Masters spins him around for a HARD clothesline! Masters goes for a pin and gets two.
“There is a ‘BRING BACK SKINNER’ sign!” – Me
“Skinner’s holidng it…” – Hernandez
So back in the real match and Shelton catches the spinning kick HARD to Masters. He goes for the pin and Shelton gets his foot on the ropes for two. Shelton hits a flying clothesline, and as Shelton brings him up to his feet again, Masters punches him in the gut. Shelton leaps up for a bulldog, but Masters grabs him into a Masterlock… but Shelton slips down too quick and drops back for the backbreaker.
Masters hits the ropes and leaps, and gets tossed into it again! This time Masters locks in the full nelson – and after a long long wait of Shelton fighting it… Masters gets it…
WINNER: CHRIS MASTERS
“Chris Masters is like a Rob Liefeld drawing…” – Roommate Randy
“Horrible neck musculature.. fake veins and all…” – Bill
They show us Elimination Chamber 2003. Gilllllllberrrrrrrrrg…..
COMMERCIAL – Over on Rollergirls, they are TPing Cha Cha’s house.. whatever that means…
So here comes Triple H… IT’S TIMMME TO PLAAAY A GAAAAMEEEE
“How come Jersey likes Trips?” – Dani
“Maybe they’re booing..” – Me
“And it SOUNDS like cheering…” – Bill
“At least he’s not wrestling” – Dani
“But that means he’s TALKING!” – Me
Hey Trips has a mic.
“There are a lot of people in this world who talk about the things they want to get done, but when they get to doin’ it they fail miserably.” – Trips
“I was the #1 International Champions… anything.. watermelon seeds… water… semen…” – Bill
“When I need to do something … I nail it.” – Trips
“..Stephanie…” – Roommate Randy
“Hell I am thinking this is information I could of used last week, but that’s too bad Show.” – Trips
They show us the video package of the last few weeks of Show versus Trips. Five weeks ago bit, and Trips is kind of stunned and makes note that it wasn’t the footage he wanted to see, but it’s live tv so he’ll wing it. He then takes a long moment to riff.. and I gotta say, he does well.
“There is an old saying that holds true today. The bigger they are–“
“The more they eat…” – Me
“The harder they fall…” – Trips
HEY IT’S THE BIIIIG SHOWWWW
“WWeell… well my haaands broke…..” – Bill
And here comes Show, wearing a HUGE cast.
“Meaty McClubFist!” – Me
“From now on…. it’s going to hurt.” – Jenna
So Hunter bails to the ring.
“He’s going to get a pen. The pen is mightier than the Show” – Bill
Trips grabs a chair and tries to hit Show with it, but he deflects it with his cast. Trips grabs a monitor and Show punches it down with a shower of AWESOME sparks!
“Oowwww… I broke it again” – Roommate Randy
“He’s just a weapon of… mass.” – Bill
So Trips bails.
“OH GOD SPARKS IN MY MUSTACHE!” – Bill
So over on Smackdown – Melina is suing Dave for sexual harassment. They then had a top notch match with MNM. Mark Henry comes in and causes the screwjob.
“Look the father of Mae Young’s hand..” – Hernandez
“Mark Henry looks AWESOME!!!! Then he’ll get fat and leave” – Me
“Heh.. he’s gonna eat MNMs….” – Dani
COMMERCIAL – A commercial for Big Mommas House 2…. and Hollywood is officially OUT of ideas.
In the back, Shelton is taping himself up, and who is there, but his Momma…
“Mark Henry?” – Roommate Randy
She explains that Shelton is going soft, that they don’t take assbeatings, but give them. She then threatens Shelton with the belt… and the Rabble shuts up before something REAAAALLLLLYYYY mean comes out of our mouths.
Some more Elimination chamber bits….
COMMERCIAL – GIRLS IN ROLLERSKATES! Rock Rock.. Rock and Rollergames… and tonight’s new rookie is… Venus Envy versus Mustang Sally!
As we head back, it’s time for the main event…
THE CHAMP IS HEEERRRRRREEEEEEE….
“I’ve seen three hate for John Cena signs..” – Dani
“CENA SUCKS” x2
“MAKE CENA BLEED”
He grabs the mic as the NJ crowd BOOS THE HELL OUT OF CENA!
“THE 06111 – The Rabble Puttin The Wings Up!” – Dani
Cena continues to rap in the ring as New Jersey boos the hell out of him.
DICK JOKES – 2
GAY JOKES – 2
SOLDIER CALL OUT – 2
And this is all stopped by Kurt Angle! Thank god. Bill sings on a fake kazoo.
“I’ll smother you with a pillow…” – Dani
COMMERCIAL – Los Puentes Del Fuego have gained three points.
The show comes back with Kurt throwing the triumverate of suplexies and Cena bangs his head HARD…. he throws a fourth.
“…Annnnnd he’s blind.” – Bill
Davairi runs up to the corner and removes the top turnbuckle pad.
“That sir… is a TRAP!” – Bill
Kurt throws Cena into the corner and he fights getting slammed into it. Kurt gets tossed to the corner and thrown over the top AMAZINGLY! Cena drags him back in, and the crowd is booing every single thing Cena does! It’s insane….. Angle hits a belly to belly release and the crowd goes NUTS!
“They love the shark man!” – Bill
“does that make Cena Lavagirl?” – Dani
Angle grabs Cena and throws him RIGHT to the corner, headfirst… and Angle makes the ref check him. He is not bleeding. Angle rips off his straps and hits Cena with the Angle slam. Kurt is on FIRE! He runs out and comes back in with the chair. Kurt swings – and Cena ducks!
Cena hits the ropes and throws the shoulderblock! Angle bails and Davairi leaps on his back. Angle comes back and Cena goes for the FU… and ANGLE TURNS IT INTO THE ANKLE LOCK! SWEEEET!
“He could turn the Masterlock into the Ankle Lock!” – Bill
So Cena pushes and Angle flies, and REF BUMP!
Cena stands on limping foot and gets the chair. Kurt though is getting to his feet too. He sees it and slinks back as Davairi comes in to stop Cena. Cena throws him out as Angle grabs the chair and wings Cena with the chair, and now Angle is doing his best to open Cena the hard way. AND HE DOES IT! CENA IS BLOWN BLOOD RED!
AWESOME!
“….now where is the screwjob gonna be…..” – Me
Angle grabs Cena up in the angle slam! Cena reverses it, and drops him into the STFU! Cena is DRIPPING BLOOD on Angle! It’s insane! The ref wakes and sees it! Apparently though, it is NOT a title match!?!??! HOW COME I WASN’T TOLD?!
WINNER: KURT ANGLE
Here comes Carlito!
Here comes Masters!
They beat down on Cena until Angle announces that Cena is his….
Masters puts Angle in the Masterlock! Here comes Kane!
Chokeslam to Masters!
Chokeslam to Carlito!
Chokeslam to Angle!
Chokeslam to Davairi!
Superkick to Kane!
HA!
Michaels is eyeing up John….
“Pop of the night if Cena stands and he superkicks him!” – Me
Cena catches the foot!!!! F U!!!! EVERYONE HATES IT!!!!
The Ring is laid out as the show goes to black! Cena is a twitching bloody mess…. and we go to black.
What did the Rabble Think?
“It was bloody… I got nuttin” – Dani
“The Rabble was awesome.. the wrestling was crap. We’re sexy beasts.” – Bill
“We’re men in tight TIGHT tights…” – Hernandez & Bill in song
“I think they blew their wad on the first match.. and I mean that in the dirtiest way possible.
And bra and panty gauntlet match.. what the f*ck?” – Hernandez
“It was alright… not too excited… hopefully the ppv makes up for it.” – Jenna
“True, horrible build up to a ppv.. sucktacular.” – Hernandez
“All I care is… Elimination Chamber… I don’t even mind Masters and Carlito are in i…..ok.ok.ok… I mind.” – Me
That’s that, we’ll see you on Sunday for the New Years Rabbolution!
