Hey all. I’m Tom Pandich and I wasn’t expecting to be doing Raw again tonight. I’m getting a late start at this so let’s get to it.
First there’s a recap of Edge SHOCKING THE WORLD! last night and winning the title.
Intro music and THE (former) CHAMP IS HERE! Hm, the announcing crew is actually acknowledging the very mixed reaction Cena’s been getting. Double hm, Cena seems to be acknowledging it too. He quotes Iverson (the basketball player, not the scholar) about how a million people love him and ten million people hate him. Cena is going to bat for all of those people cheering for him and that those people drinking the Hater-aid can go f*ck off. Cena calls Edge out and he wants his title match TONIGHT!
Crappy Nu Metal and here comes EDG..Lita. Lita says Cena doesn’t get a shot at the title until the Royal Rumble. She proceeds to slut it up saying she and Edge are going to f*ck in the middle of the ring (add in a lot of sexual allusions that I’m not typing) and then derides the audience’s sexual experience. They’re wrestling fans, of course they’ve had sex. Why else would they be watching grown men pretend to play grab ass with each other without being comfortable in their own sexually?
Cena finishes the promo by saying even though some of the audience thinks he sucks, everyone knows Lita sucks. Besides the obvious attacks on Lita (which when she’s calling herself a slut, does that really make for a good zing?) this was the best Cena promo in a while.
Commercial with Ashley/Trish for the title NEXT!
We’re back and here comes Trish. Mickie James reintroduces Trish, demanding the audience that they give Trish a bigger ovation. Here comes Ashley and here we go.
Trish Stratus vs Ashley: Women’s Title Match
You’re going to have to cut me some slack during this match as I’m not that interested and have some crap to take care of. Ashley does some headlock resthold stuff, Trish counters with a fireman’s carry and gets two. Trish locks a headlock on and Trish counters with a head scissor. We do that again. Trish goes for head scissors off the top rope and Ashley catches her. Trish lands hard face first and Ashley pins. Mickie comes in and attacks Ashley. Trish is announced as the winner for no reason in particular and the commentators jump on it. Silly Lilian Garcia.
Winner by DQ Ashley
Commercial break time.
We’re back and so is RVD in the Royal Rumble match. McMahon comes to the back to talk to Cena. Vinnie Mac comes to congratulate Cena on his win at New Year’s Revolution and condone him on his loss. He also says that if Cena interferes with the sex tonight he’ll be taken out of that match at the Royal Rumble. Add in another unfunny sexual reference and the Big E can’t get much lower.
Wait, nevermind. It’s Carlito and Chris Masters doing a backstage promo. Masters is wondering with great anger whether or not he can count on that shifty Carlito since last night in the Elimination Chamber, Masters was double crossed. Carlito says Masters can count on him more then Michaels can count on Angle tonight. This is quite the night so far!
Commercial time. We really don’t need another f*cking horror remake says me. Why couldn’t they leave When A Stranger Calls alone?
We’re back and Rob Conway is in the ring. Here comes Chavito. This is a Royal Rumble qualifying match.
Rob Conway vs Chavo Guerrero: Who will be the first man out of the Rumble?
Chavo is still riding the Eddy heat. Side headlock on Chavo to start and the King puts himself over. Conway puts Chavo in the corner with some punching. Conway dumps Chavo, but Chavo tries to skin the cat. Conway sends Chavo to the CONCRETE FLOOR. After some more offense by Conway on the outside, he brings Chavo back in. An Eddy chant revives Chavo and he takes over with an enziguri dumping Conway to the outside. Chavo goes over the top and lands on Conway.
Chavo puts Conway in the corner and proceeds to get cuatro punches on him before being shoved off. Guerrero hits a drop kick followed up with the Three Amigos and the frog splash. Uno, dos, tres and Chavito is in the rumble.
Winner: Chavo Guerrero
Angle/Michaels vs Carlito/Masters is next. Plus there’s that sex thing which promises to not make me suicidal. Speaking of which, I need to take some pills. Here’s more commercials.
We’re back and it’s the Wrestlemania “Big Time” moment which was of last year’s Money in the Bank match. The announcers talk about how clever Edge was and here comes Michaels and Angle yelling at each other before tagging up. “Last night we were opponents, tonight we have bigger things to worry about.” Honestly, a tag match with Masters and Carlito isn’t as important as a chess match between Angle and Michaels.
We’re in the back with Shelton’s Mama. Apparently she’s seen Mr. Val Venis in some films. Val starts naming some films and she gets offended by one of them asking him who does he think she is? She’s a good Christian woman. She says Val is going to hell….. TONIGHT! Wow, Shelton’s mama is going to kill Val gangbuster style.
Speaking of hell, it’s time for Masters and Carlito to come out for a match. Aren’t I funny? We cut to commercial with Masters and Carlito arguing in the ring.
We’re back and Masters and Carlito are still arguing. How will they work out their differences!?! Here comes Angle. Here comes Michaels. Here comes the hope of all mankind that this may be slightly entertaining.
Our Olympic Hero and Neo-Jesus stuck against a Rock and a Hard Place
Angle and Michaels are arguing. Carlito and Masters attack them. Masters gets dumped and Michaels puts on the headlock to Carlito. Carlito tries to send Shawn into the ropes but Shawn grabs the fro. Angle gets tagged im and goes to the same headlock. Carlito punches his way out and sends Angle into the ropes. Angle blocks a hip toss and counters with a fireman’s carry. Back to the headlock which Carlito powers out of with a belly to back suplex. Angle takes over again pretty quickly and gets two after laying Carlito out with a clothesline.
Angle tags Michaels in who tosses Carlito into the ropes, puts his head down, and eats boot. Carlito makes the tag. And Michaels quickly counters. He tags in Angle and he gets some more offense in. Angle hits some nasty European uppercuts, but gets laid out by Masters. Masters measures Angle for the Masterlock, but Angle counters with a vicious German Suplex. Masters pulls himself up in the corner. Angle charges and his shoulder goes into the steel ring post. Carlito runs over and takes Michaels out. We cut to commercial with both Michaels and Angle arguing on the floor and Daviri shouting in his moon language.
We’re back and Angle is in the corner taking a beating from Carlito. Angle gets up and tries for a huge german suplex which Carlito flips through. Angle answers with a belly to belly suplex. Tags and Michaels is on fire. Michaels ducks a clothesline, hits some chops, hits the flying forearm, hits an inverted atomic drop and cleans house with a few clothesline. Masters gets hit with the big elbow and the band is being tuned up. Carlito pulls Michaels band out from under him and breaks his flute. Carlito gets tagged in and Michaels is offically a face IN PERIL!! Michaels eats a drop kick and is officially bleeding. Michaels powers out of a Carlito head lock, but Carlito hits an odd looking backbreaker and puts Michaels down. Carlito puts on a headlock and gets sent into the ropes and eats a back drop. Michaels goes for the tag but Angle gets distracted by Daviri. Huge asshole chant goes up as Masters comes in. Michaels gets dropped by a slam and Masters goes for the Masterlock. Michaels drops out of it and hits a big DDT on Masters. He goes for the tag as Angle gets distracted again. Michaels has had enough and he tosses Angle in. Ref calls it a tag and Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music on Angle. Masters locks on the Masterlock and Michaels gives Daviri a Sweet Chin Music. Angle passes out and the ref calls the match for Masters and Carlito. That was a much better match then I thought it would be.
Winners: Carlito Caribean Cool and Chris Masters
We get a recap of the match and Angle is screaming in the ring. We’re reminded that Edge’s sex thing is next and we’ve got the Wrestlemania 21 promo video. Wrestlemania is going “Big Time” in Chicago. Yay for that. Commercial break. By the way, watch Monk. It’s a great show.
We’re back and Vinnie Mac is chatting it up with Shawn. Next week it’s Shawn and Angle. Next week, Vince says that we’ll be moving on. Are we having a pink slip on a pole match? One can only hope!
We look at the nice cold Pennsylvania arena and it looks nice. HHH and Big Show have still pictures shown of their match. Look, it’s HHH and New Guide Todd. HHH says he’s going to win the Wrestlemania because he’s the one constant in the WWE. Not Cena, not Big Show, not anyone but HHH. He’s the king of kings(?) and will win the WWE title at Wrestlemania.
We see Victoria and her hoe crew snuggling in the sex bed. Then we cut to last night’s exclusive WWE post match interview with New Guy Todd about how they’ll have sex in front of everyone tommorrow night which was last night so they’ll be having sex in front of the Raw audience tonight. Commercial time. Woo.
We’re back and it’s Dancing with the Stars. Everyone except the middle judge liked her. Kenny Mayne got eliminated after his hillariously bad dance. I laugh my ass off every time I see that. Here comes Shelton with Shelton’s mama. The Royal Rumble is being brought to us by “the Con for Playboy… I mean Playstation Portable”. Well played King. Here comes Val Venis.
Val Venis vs Shelton Benjamin: Royal Rumble Qualifying Match
Shelton gets dumped and mama makes it better. Val gets smacked talked by Shelton’s Mama and it’s funny. Val eats a huge knee lift and dumped with a scoop slam. Shelton’s mama is the loudest woman in the arena. Her loudness has made this match completely unwatchable. Val gets two with a small package. Shelton tries for his spin kick but eats a big spinebuster. Val misses the money shot and Shelton rolls him up for two.
Shelton’s mama yells so damn much that I literally have to mute the tv. Val blocks an Exploder and stumbles to the rope. Shelton’s mama stabs Val in the ass with a hair pin and Val stumbles into an Exploder. Shelton wins and I can listen to the tv again.
Winner and Royal Rumble Qualifier: Shelton Benjamin
Next is Edge, Lita, and Sex. We promise. No cop out is coming with this one. But first, here’s some commercials.
The Royal Rumble Commercial is cute. You screwed Breticus and Shanicus betraying “Caesar”. We’re back and it’s Kane. Who’s he destroying? Why it’s Snitsky!
Kane Qualifies for the Royal Rumble
Kane is pissed, Snitsky eats a clothesline, chokeslam. Over.
Winner: Kane
Kane says he’s going to win the Royal Rumble. Isn’t that cute.
Edge and Lita get out of a limo and we cut to commercial… again…. for the last time tonight.
Here comes Edge and he can’t hold the belt up correctly. Aww, cute. Lita and Edge snuggle before the ugly bumping. “THE CHAMP IS HERE” says Edge. Silly Canadian, white people without street cred can’t rap. Don’t tell Cena that though. Edge says none of us saw this coming. I disagree. None of us thought the WWE would give Edge the ball ever despite the Money in the Bank match. Edge rocks and he knows it. He also can’t pronounce WWE right. We get a nice little Edge video package that’s heelness is sort of undercut by the Staind. If the E can do one thing right, it’s a good video package.
Time for the sex! We get bad porn music and Edge takes off his boot. We get Snitsky foot fetish jokes. Lita goes into her bra and panties and garters. Edge is losing his pants and is wearing the gayest briefs (stuffed of course), now called mantines, I have ever seen. Lita gets bent over and pushed into bed and everyone is waiting for the run in. Lita’s bra comes off. Now Edge comes off with Lita’s panties. The front row camera side is captivated. Edge pulls out the belt and here comes FLAIR! Thank all that is good and holy.
Flair talks about how Edge isn’t championship quality. Edge is also “dead in the bed Fred”. Flair comes to seduce Lita with his jiggly man boobs. Flair pokes Edge in the eye. Edge bails for a chair and pelts Flair with it. Edge does a one man conchairto on the announcers’ table. Here comes Cena and Edge bails leaving naked Lita in the ring. Cena offers Edge the chance to come into the ring. Lita pops some clothes on just to be pulled out of bed and gets an FU.
That’s it for tonight’s Raw. Good night everyone, I’ll probably (possibly, maybe) be gone next week so take care of yourselves and check out the other sections. I write Gaming Zen every Monday over in Games along with a bunch of other stuff. Hope to see you around.
